Daughter still hurt over childhood

[Gran648]

My daughter and I have a good relationship and we live close by so I see her and my 18 month old grandson most days.

A few years ago, she started going to therapy and soon after brought up how much her childhood had affected her, which I took very personally. I feel bad now but rather than listening I got very defensive and lashed out back at her.

I had my DD1 (now 35) when I was 23, her dad didn’t want to know when she was born. We lived with my mum/step dad who supported us until she was around 5/6 so they were very close and like parents to her. Sadly, my mum became ill with cancer and passed away when my daughter was 7. This had a huge impact on both me and her. A lot of grief. Around this time I had started a new business and my partner of a year or so moved in with us in a new place (now married) and a few years later we had another DD. My partner was a lifeline for me when my mum died and we all became close to his family. Around this time my DD also started seeing her dad again and she would go there every weekend. Her relationship with him hasn’t been great for various reasons. In the early years, DD1 also didn’t have a great relationship with my partner.

My DD is now saying how isolated and segregated she felt and as though she had lost her family unit when my mum passed away, and I had a new one with my partner and DD2 and also a business that I was running. She feels as though she wasn’t given enough support and it was hard for her to blend into a new family. This hurts me very deeply and something I had never intended. It seems she has carried this with her for years and now I feel as though I am the focal point for her anger. We’ve had several arguments about it.

I just wondered if anyone else has any experience of anything like this and aibu for getting defensive about it?

You likely did the best you could in hard circumstances, that doesn't change how your daughter feels. Be supportive, understanding and remember this is about her not you.

If she says things that you could've done differently then just kindly explain you were struggling and did what you thought was right at the time but acknowledge her view.

Don't dismiss her feelings or make it about you, this is another chance to be there for her which is just as important as when she was young.

Basically before you speak, think is this just to make me feel better, or is this actually going to help our relationship. If it's not productive then rephrase it.

I didn’t realise how badly my own childhood effected me until I did therapy for the fourth time, as my previous therapists never really managed to get me to think about it properly. I understand now how my mum was quite emotionally unavailable and wishy washy with her parenting, and when I’ve tried to discuss it with her since therapy she has reacted the same way as you, got angry and defensive and told me these people don’t know what they’re talking about. She invalidates how I feel and says I’m making out as if it’s all her fault

Funnily enough though, if I ever talk about things brought up that don’t involve her, she agrees with me! I know it’s a defence mechanism because she feels guilty but it makes me resent her even more. She’s always told me I could talk to her about anything but I never could as she could never understand my point of view on things, so I just dealt with things alone mostly, and her reactions to this are further proof.

You’re not helping your daughter at all, put your own feelings of inadequacy aside and listen to her, and apologise.

When you have arguments, what are you arguing against? If she's saying things that aren't true in a deliberately malicious way, that's one thing, but if she's sharing her experience and you're telling her she's wrong, that's hugely invalidating for her.

What is she saying that you argue against?

Your post is a bit 'me, me, me'...

Your daughter has shared with you her feelings which was probably really difficult fir her to do.

Your reaction was get defensive and it sounds like you are still unable to listen to how she experienced her childhood and continue to meet her views with denial and aggression.

Defensiveness and 'several arguments' doesn't sound good.

Instead you should try to have a calm conversation with her and explain that you felt that you did your best at the time but that you understand that she experienced things differently and that it affected her deeply and you are glad that at least she is seeking therapy to help her cope with this.

If you carry on taking the view that she should not ever criticise you/everything was fine which is very much gaslighting her feelings then that is not going to end well.

Everyone makes mistakes and it is likely you were not the perfect parent, so you should be able to accept that your daughter had some issues that she is now trying to address and listen to her.

It sounds like she had a lot to cope with: your first relationship breaking up, the loss of a beloved grandparent, not getting on with your new partner (it is questionable as to why you would stay with a partner if your daughter could not accept him...) and her father, a second child coming into the family. Why can't you accept that a child might have had a hard time coping with all this?

She had her experience, you had yours, what is the point of these conversations for her? Does she want to hurt you back? Or repaint events as she sees them? Or is it that she wants you to know her more honestly and see her? What will make you both happy going forwards because the past is done.

I can only judge from your daughter's perspective. My childhood affected me deeply and while cognitively, I absolutely understand that my mum did her best under the circumstances, all I ever wanted from her was acknowledgement of my feelings. Similarly, she chose to be defensive and lashed out at me every time I tried to start a conversation. It completely changed our relationship. I don't blame my mum for my childhood, I just want to feel heard so I can work though my own trauma. She chose to focus on her own feelings and this was and is painful. So the best advice I can give you is to be open to a conversation, acknowledge your daughter's experience, apologise if necessary and allow her to move on.

This is really common I think. Many kids don’t settle/accept a new unrelated male being added to the mix. Your new partner was for you, not her.

i have a friend that’s just done this & she’s so wrapped up in ‘I have to be happy too’ that her poor DS just seems so down.

I would say sorry to her & let her then start to heal.

Ditto. I could have written the exact same thing. It's so destructive because I feel so crap inside and yet if I try and address it I get nowhere.

Keep apologising. Over and over again till she believes you mean it.

I can’t forgive my parents for my shitty childhood. They dismiss and deflect whenever I have tried to raise it. I am now in my fifties and hate them for it. I do my duty but there is little love there.

‘my childhood and either get defensiveness or "well I'm sorry I'm so crap, I can't do anything right" followed by tears’

Yep. It makes it all about them. And makes you feel that you have done something wrong by raising it.

You did your best. And it was your best - for you.
I have carried the collateral damage of my mum doing her best - for her - for my whole adult life too.
You have to own the fact that what you did at the time was probably not the best for your daughter. She knows that and you probably do too - otherwise you wouldn’t have lashed out.
But that’s life, I’m afraid. My mum and I still have a fairly good relationship most of the time but she’s not prepared to acknowledge the trauma she caused me and my brother. The best way you can repair this is to be as open as you can to a conversation in which you accept her feelings don’t match yours. And that they’re valid.
And also try not to be angry with her or yourself.
Good luck, this family stuff is so hard.

Ask her to tell you more, genuinely listen, and apologise. Don’t dismiss or belittle her feelings. Don’t say ‘well, I did my best,’ as though that should make her feelings go away.

our childhoods have profound effects on how we develop as people. I don’t think parents were as cognisant of this 35 years ago as they are today - certainly, mine weren’t. You need to understand how your behaviour affected her as a child, and how it affects her today. Ask how it makes her feel. ‘I’m really sorry that my choices made you feel that way. I wish I’d realised and been more thoughtful at the time’ would be a good start.

I might get flamed but I've noticed a new trend whereby lots of young adults are going into therapy and looking at their perfectly ordinary (probably not perfect but not horrendous) childhoods and playing the victim and blaming all their problems on it.

It doesn't sound like a totally perfect childhood no, but it doesn't sound particularly traumatic or awful.

I think she's being unfair

Do either of you really have anything to apologise for? It sounds a fairly normal loved childhood. Is she disappointed with what you provided? If so is sharing that helpful? If it helps her why is that?

It sounds to me like she’s saying “you could have done better, mum”. To be fair we all could all the time at everything. So what response is she looking for and is it reasonable honest and right to give it?

I think it is very very common in step families for the adults to think everything is fine while one or more of the children are deeply unhappy

I don't know your daughter.

So I am guessing.

But probably what she wants is for you to accept her feelings. To say that you didn't want her to feel like that and you are sorry that she did.

In the same way that if she shared with you about a time someone else hurt her in the past you would sympathise. You just do the same.

I'm not sure I would have started a new relationship with someone if the relationship with them and my kid wasn't good

I had similar as a child and you have no right to tell your dad that you’re hurt about how she feels. She can’t help her feelings, which are entirely valid and understandable.

I realise it’s had to accept that actually you didn’t do to it best by your child, but that’s often the reality when step families are created. It’s best for the adult, not the child.

SO she lost her gran and had a lot of grief she was dealing with and then you suddenly shacked up with your boyfriend and then had another baby while she was still reeling and really needed your time and support?

Yeah you were selfish and did what was best for you with little thought of what was best for her - particularly as you knew she didn't have a great relationship with you partner or the father she was being shunted off to every weekend.

I'm amazed that you can't see where you went wrong, you sound incredibly self absorbed.

I’m amazed that anyone thinks that OP shouldn’t have married and had a second child because she was a single mother.

In fairness, I think that is quite a different situation. No one chooses to have a major accident.

I am sorry for what you went through as a family.

Or to have their mother die as OPs did.

One of the most powerful things a child can hear is an apology from their parent or an adult. Might be slightly hyperbolic but it's so rare.
You're going to feel defensive, of course you are, because it's happened now and you can't change the past. You can, however, listen to her, hear her and allow her to have these feelings and understand that they are valid for her.
'I didn't realise at the time how any of these changes may have been affecting you and I'm sorry. What could I have done differently back then, now that we're both able to look back on the experience?' and have an uncomfortable discussion.
Her therapist has enabled her to discuss hard emotions and feelings. Do your bit to change by not arguing or being defensive. Even if you say 'I was just about to jump and give my reasoning about why that happened but I won't, I need to listen to you'. This could be a really quick fix with some communication work 💐

Your daughter’s feelings are valid. It’s how she feels, don’t dismiss these feelings. You did your best in the circumstances, at the time - but your daughter feels hurt.

You getting defensive and arguing has done more damage - as it comes across as you don’t want to hear how your daughter feels. It’s all about you and your feelings.

My own mother has done some pretty terrible things to me over the years. Whenever I have tried to discuss how it made me feel she gets very defensive, raises her voice, and is argumentative and pretty unpleasant.

I’ve come to realise she doesn’t really give a shit about how I feel - as it’s all about her. Consequently we have a very LC relationship with each other and I don’t discuss anything with her.

It's not about her being a single mother. It's about those particular circumstances for her DD.

If she had been a single mother to a three-year-old with an actively involved father nearby, a secure home and grandparents around, then the risks of her DD being disrupted or unhappy would have been a lot lower.

Besides, it is not about what anyone here 'thinks' - her daughter's word is the only one that matters.