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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t do this when someone is taking you out for a meal…?

352 replies

greedyguts18 · 20/02/2024 17:02

DH took his sister out for dinner to celebrate her birthday at the weekend - it was a nice restaurant so he knew it wouldn’t be cheap but his sister ended up ordering the most expensive food items on the menu & had 8 cocktails at £20 a go!!!

The meal ended up costing hundreds and hundreds of pounds - so much so that I’ve had to bail him out so he could get through the rest of the month.

If someone is treating me to a meal, I always make sure I don’t choose the most expensive thing on the menu - surely this is just basic manners ?!

AIBU? Or was she really grabby to do that ?

OP posts:
StockpotSoup · 20/02/2024 23:31

Redpaisley · 20/02/2024 21:27

You missed 8 cocktails. Of course he could not afford 8 cocktails plus other expensive items. But he and Op have been able to have a dinner in £200 in same restaurant but this time sister had just her drinks worth that amount.

Show quote history

And YOU’RE missing that this has left the OP’s husband in a position where he needs to borrow money. A bit irresponsible, isn’t it? Even if she’d only ordered £50 more than he’d expected, that still didn’t leave him much breathing space.

Poppyzo · 20/02/2024 23:31

Nando’s next year? He should have said something about the drinks before she had so many. She was definitely taking advantage!

Combinedvakue · 20/02/2024 23:32

Sceptical123 · 20/02/2024 23:17

I was going to say I could see sisters doing this, maybe brothers, as being the same gender it’s a different dynamic to chatting over food, is that sexist? I’m thinking of nights out with just men or women compared to mixed company. I know brothers and sisters can be extremely close, I am with my own brother, but I can’t imagine either of us being in a long term relationship and not inviting the OH/OH’s along too for a meal. A comedy show or gig, yes as it’s a mutual interest that not everybody would share, but who doesn’t like a meal out?

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Bit sexist yes! There are loads of things you share as siblings that you might either not want to share or more likely your partner would probably find boring so a night out together would be much nicer. Like I said, maybe the OP just doesn't really like her sister in law, hardly unheard of and yes most people like a meal out but with people you choose to be with not just because they're related to your partner. I don't particularly like my Dh's sister so I'd be very relieved if the two of them went out together and I didn't have to go. I'd be pretty annoyed if she downed 8 cocktails though at his expense!

porridgeisbae · 20/02/2024 23:37

Yep I mean, people can eat what they want, I like to when I eat out, but when she ordered something really expensive she should've said she'll put in something towards it, and the same goes for the cocktails, she should've paid for all or most of those.

Wetherspoons for her next year :)

PinkPanther98 · 20/02/2024 23:43

Yeah it's the 8 cocktails thing that gets me!
I would go for the meal of your choice and a drink or two.. but 8 is really taking the mick!
If she wanted more, she should have offered to pay towards!

It sounds entitled that she would happily order all this expecting her brother to pay because it's her birthday!

Sceptical123 · 20/02/2024 23:46

Combinedvakue · 20/02/2024 23:32

Bit sexist yes! There are loads of things you share as siblings that you might either not want to share or more likely your partner would probably find boring so a night out together would be much nicer. Like I said, maybe the OP just doesn't really like her sister in law, hardly unheard of and yes most people like a meal out but with people you choose to be with not just because they're related to your partner. I don't particularly like my Dh's sister so I'd be very relieved if the two of them went out together and I didn't have to go. I'd be pretty annoyed if she downed 8 cocktails though at his expense!

Show quote history

I guess it depends on the relationship. I can imagine going out for a meal with my brother just us 2, or my partner with his sister, if both free and out together or gone for a drink and fancied something to eat. I don’t understand it being a special occasion like a birthday and doing that though. If I wanted to take my brother out for a meal I’d invite him and his wife (and my OH) and my partner would do the same with his sister, me and her partner. If we were both single then yeah I could see this happening. But I think to not invite their OH is rude and excluding and I think not going (unless not invited) is also rude and demonstrating you don’t care for them much. Birthdays are a celebration of them. If they’re part of your extended family why wouldn’t they/you want you to join them? Different to a meal out on any other day when you can catch up with your sibling then and share all the sharey things you share with them only. I also think the dynamic is different for sisters/brothers, I’m not saying it’s the only way to view it but I think others would agree.

Sceptical123 · 20/02/2024 23:48

The fact I’ve had thanks on my first post would add weight to this possibly

StockpotSoup · 21/02/2024 00:03

Sceptical123 · 20/02/2024 23:48

The fact I’ve had thanks on my first post would add weight to this possibly

😆😆😆

caringcarer · 21/02/2024 00:18

It is basically bad manners to choose the most expensive thing on the menu if someone is treating you. I've even managed to teach my 17 year old with learning difficulties if a friend's parents are taking him out for a meal to look at the mid range meals and pick one of those. There are always plenty of choice. His sister is rude and after 3 expensive cocktails your DH should have said something like I'm not a millionaire sister, you'll have to have wine or a soft drinks now.

caringcarer · 21/02/2024 00:21

WimpoleHat · 20/02/2024 17:26

Bloody hell - that’s rude! I’ve discussed this topic before with a good friend of mine who does a lot of entertaining; between us, we’ve decided the rules go like this:

  • The person being treated should stick to the middle of the menu - ie not feel obliged to pick the cheapest thing, but definitely not go for the most expensive thing either.
  • The person hosting should “open up the menu” if s/he is genuinely happy for more expensive things to be ordered (eg “the fillet steak here is really good” or “I’d highly recommend the lobster if you like it”). Similarly - “let’s have a glass of champagne” (as not okay to order that on someone else’s tab unless explicitly asked!).

I think that’s quite a good way to look at it. If you’re taking someone out, you want them to enjoy themselves and it’s irritating to think they’re ordering tomato pasta and tap water just to be polite. But equally, you don’t take the piss with numerous cocktails at £20 a pop unless explicitly encouraged to order them!

Yep, I agree with all of this. This is what I've taught my DC to follow.

user1492757084 · 21/02/2024 00:54

Always pay for your own alcohol.

winterwarmer8274 · 21/02/2024 01:05

I don’t get why he didn’t say anything?

After the second cocktail I’d have just been like, I know I’m treating you but I can’t afford to go too wild so I’ll pay for one more drink and thats it.

I think he was probably encouraging the drinking or something and that’s how it got so out of hand.

I Wouldn’t have a problem with her ordering the most expensive food.

IloveAslan · 21/02/2024 01:08

The 8 cocktails was rude, but if you ask someone out for a meal you shouldn't expect them to order the cheapest things on the menu. If you can't afford to pay for the more expensive dishes then you take them somewhere cheaper.

Ilovetea33 · 21/02/2024 02:27

My cocktail at the One Aldwych cost £ 19. I wonder where they went.

Ilovecleaning · 21/02/2024 02:45

trooba · 20/02/2024 17:54

Seems completely wanker behaviour to deny someone a pay rise purely on ordering food on an night out. Work should have said nothing above X.

Show quote history

I politely disagree. Ordering the Wagyu steak because it’s the most expensive says a lot about his character and ability to make the right choices. He made himself look like a grabby tw*t.

SheepAndSword · 21/02/2024 02:47

Good grief, I don't think I'd be very compos mentis after 8 cocktails.

Yes that was rude of her, DH has now learned there won't be a repeat. When's his birthday?? Steaks ahoy!

To be fair I'd probably order a more expensive item as I'm pescetarian and fish tends to be priced higher but my saving grace is that I don't like to drink alcohol whilst eating.

Ilovecleaning · 21/02/2024 02:49

greedyguts18 · 20/02/2024 18:02

He was definitely out with her as she posted about it all over Instagram ! I was awake when he got home, he wasn’t drunk but really taken aback at all the cocktails she had but she’s a big character so no one ever says no to her.

I totally get what other people are saying about if you’re being treated you order what you want food wise. I personally would not choose the most expensive thing on principle but do appreciate what others are saying

Edited

Why can’t you post on Instagram something like - ‘ glad you enjoyed the meal. I have now bailed out your DB to get him through to the end of the month. 8 cocktails at £20 a throw - wow!’

TwoShades1 · 21/02/2024 02:56

I think the 8 cocktails is the issue here. That’s a lot! The food is harder to complain about as people should be entitled to order whatever they fancy. They shouldn’t have a quinoa salad to be polite if they really wanted a steak. I’m surprised he didn’t say something at the time, just a jokey comment, but so she was aware that she was going a bit overboard.

asdunno · 21/02/2024 04:09

I would have paid for the food only! How old is his sister?

Blueink · 21/02/2024 04:18

8 cocktails even at half that price is an absolute piss take.

He should’ve knocked it on the head (regarding the drinks), but lesson learned and he should not pay for further meals or drinks out for her including subsequent birthdays.

RiderofRohan · 21/02/2024 04:51

It doesn't sound like your husband could afford this particular restaurant if £160 broke the bank. Take her to Nandos next time.

Glittertwins · 21/02/2024 06:58

Even our teen DCs would never order the most expensive thing on the menu when someone else is paying, I cant understand how a grown adult can't grasp it's rather rude.

I also love a good cocktail and have been known to have a few whilst out with friends but I don't let them pay, even when it's their round, if they are way more expensive than what they are drinking.

Herdinggoats · 21/02/2024 07:07

The cocktails are excessive, but I don’t see the food as an issue to be honest. I like steak, I will often order steak, I’m not going to pick something I don’t like from the middle of the menu just because you have insisted on “treating me”. It’s not a treat to pick something you don’t like- I’d rather pay my own way.

IloveAslan · 21/02/2024 07:23

Glittertwins · 21/02/2024 06:58

Even our teen DCs would never order the most expensive thing on the menu when someone else is paying, I cant understand how a grown adult can't grasp it's rather rude.

I also love a good cocktail and have been known to have a few whilst out with friends but I don't let them pay, even when it's their round, if they are way more expensive than what they are drinking.

It's not rude. What is rude is asking someone out for a meal and expecting them to order something inexpensive. If you can't cover whatever food they order then you should take them somewhere cheaper in the first place.

Many years ago I went to a meal out provided by my exDH's boss. My ex really wanted something expensive, but ordered a cheaper meal - everyone else, including the boss and his wife, ordered what he had originally wanted. Lesson learned.

The cocktails are a completely separate issue in OP's example - that was rude.

paulMcCartney · 21/02/2024 07:28

What did your husband drink? If he was nursing half a lager while she drank 8 cocktails, that’s a bit off. On the other hand , if he was also knocking back the cocktails, not really rude although they must have been smashed.