Performance parents

[Maryquitecontrarymary]

Am I the only one who is irritated like hell around these people?
At airport waiting to board flight. Couple infront with 2 kids who seemed to want everyone to know what fun they are and how much banter they have together as a family. "Oh look at us, look how fun we are, look how great we get on with our kids".
Try to ignore but it's impossible as they are so loud and they are constantly looking around as though to see who is watching and listening, so you have to make sure you don't look their way or make eye contact.
Oh and guess where they happen to be sitting? Yep you guessed it, right behind us. I swear the whole flight could hear them and only them. The woman had a gob like a foghorn and seemed to swing between being performance banter mum and having a go at her husband. Even ear plugs couldn't drown them out.
I'm surprised these people don't exhaust themselves with their performances

Yes, I think this is what TheaBrandt is identifying as PP.

so what’s the big deal

she’s teaching her pre schoolers a bit of french she knows 🤷‍♀️

I had a performance parent on my commuter train to work a few days ago. Quiet carriage - load of commuters trying to get their heads down with laptops and coffee.

enter performance mum with 3yo ish girl
COME ON DARLING YES WERE ON THE TRAIN NOW TAKE A BIG STEP YES THATS RIGHT OH LOOK WHERE ARE WE GOING TO SIT EVERYONES SO QUIET HERE ARENT THEY WE MUSTNT TOUCH ANYONES COATS MUST WE LETS GET ALL YOUR BOOKS OUT YOU LOVE YOUR BOOKS SO MUCH

And on and on until finally someone engages and compliments the little girls jacket

OH YES ITS A LOVELY JACKET ITS A LOVELY JACKET FOR A LOVELY GIRL ISNT IT DARLING NOW DONT GET OUT OF YOUR SEAT! YOU MUSTNT RUN AROUND NO YOU MIGHT DISTURB PEOPLE!

At top volume for the whooooole journey

the little girl was very sweet but also totally silent as her mum wasn’t letting her get a word or reaction in edgeways!

like the mum wasn’t shouting to engage the child - wasn’t interested or noticing if the child saw, understood or reacted to anything being described or pointed at. Just loud shouting for all of us.

kind of funny, but yeah it was annoying as I was trying to do some work!!

Are you always this faux naive?

I speak French. Do you know when I speak French to my preschool twins? At home. In the car. Pointing out the colours of other cars as we park. In the garden. When we go for a walk. Normal volume, so I don't look like an attention seeking prat shouting French at the general vicinity, speaking at a volume only the children next to me can hear, as only the children need to hear.

Do you know when I don't do it? Loudly. In a fucking library. To make sure all the lesser beings nearby can bask in my superior motherhood and my genius children learning a second language, because I need to let everyone know, we are distinctly better than "yow."

This just sounds bitter and jealous. You encountered a family in a "public" place that you didn't like. That happens to everyone every day. So what? Just forget and move on. Not everyone can meet your expectations of decent/perfect parenting and these people sound mildly annoying at worst. If they had been abusive towards their kids I'd 100% understand any frustration or anger. But not now.

😬

This was exactly my thought too.

I get how annoying it is when everyone is in a confined space quietly chatting and someone is really noisy and it feels like they are inflicting their conversation on you. However I also worry about how quickly mums (it’s usually mums not dads accused) are accused of performance parenting if they explain anything to the child or try and tell them not to throw toys or similar in public. Sometimes at baby groups I feel mums aren't intervening when their kids snatch toys or push others for fear of looking like a performance parent.

I know what you mean op

no doubt there is a few on here 😀

people can sense others wanting admiration it’s not the same as being loud

the type who will have a five minutes conversation with their toddler in the busy cafe on why they shouldn’t be jumping on the chairs rather than just taking them off the chair and cleaning the seat

You do understand that not everyone on MN is in the UK? It’s half term where I live too, not that we call it that. And so what if she posts about it later, what does it matter to you?

Maybe your dd needs to practise on being bored.

There are always people who basically show off all the time and think they are superior to everyone else! Now my dc are older they actually roll their eyes when they spot this! I think that these people are actually really insecure and want adoration from others in order to feel like they are doing a good job. It can be quite amusing, but I imagine if I was stuck on a plane with them behind me, I would not be happy!

I honestly can’t believe what I am reading. So there is now a term for being noisy and having fun with your familyWhy do we have to put other mums down so much?
You can’t control what other people do, only your reactions. Just ignore them and focus on your own family.

Gosh, how absolutely dreadful of them to share sweet moments and funny videos with relatives. You should definitely inform them that you find their desire to involve you in their child's life irritating and boring.

I've never seen "performance parenting". I only hear about it on here.

I assume people are just parenting and some are louder than others. I'm not sure what constitutes a performance and it only seems to be described as parents having fun.

Yes there is a term for it. For a reason.

So let me get this straight- a family with multiple kids at an airport were joking amongst themselves, talking louder than you deem to be acceptable, and trying to make eye contact with other people? Clearly you were miserable before the holiday even started but it may come as a shock to know some people find the experience exciting.

What a sad little life, Jane.

This is just another stick to beat mums in particular with.

So there is now a term for being noisy and having fun with your familyWhy do we have to put other mums down so much?
That would make sense if it was a term for being noisy or for having fun with kids, but it isn't.

Plenty of rude people and parents with poor boundaries are noisy, but it doesn't make it performance parenting. Nobody would say that the parents who let their children scream and run around cafes because "they're just kids" are performance parenting.

It's also not a term for having fun with your family. Lots of families have fun together and lots of parents talk to their children and it's not performance parenting. It's totally possible to have fun with your children, talk to them, engage them and have lots of interesting conversations without performance parenting. The majority of parents manage just fine.

Nobody ever seems to be able to pin down what exactly is so wrong though, besides the vague "showing off" and "you know it when you see it."

In this thread alone we've established it's not just being too loud (although that is annoying), and it's not being too posh, since it applies to bangers and mash in a caravan in Wales just as well as it applies to quinoa in a villa in Tuscany. It's not simply talking to your kids or engaging with them, but bloody hell don't explain flowers to them, Jesus.

It seems to boil down to... checks notes looking around too much. I don't think I notice what any other parent is looking at to be honest, maybe they're looking around because they're very aware they're being stared at and judged.

@Itsmychristmasdress has nailed it - it's a stick to beat mums with. Mothers should be seen and not heard eh.

it's a stick to beat mums with. Mothers should be seen and not heard eh.

Ffs what a conclusion.😂 Father’s do it too, you know.

Parents then 🤷🏻‍♀️ point stands. Most parents are just doing their best.

You know OP I bet they didn't actually give two hoots what you or anyone around them thought. Why on earth would they? It sounds like a minor annoyance that you have taken to heart, perhaps reflect on why that is?

Of course they are. Even insecure performance parents. It doesn’t mean that performance parenting doesn’t exist though.

Everyone's just trying to do their best, aren't they? If it feels like someone's looking round to clock reactions whilst they're interacting in public, it probably means they're anxious about what other people think of them. Can't we just be kind about this stuff? I don't blame you for finding the noise annoying but I'm so sick of parents being classed as either annoyingly performative or criminally neglectful.