Excluding a friend?

[StephPlum]

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5.
We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too.
Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp.
Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in).
Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2.
Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded.
If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us.
Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

Ah I see. Friend 2 is “sensitive”.
Sensitive people have more feelings and naturally get more upset about things than others. They are always the victim. Loudly.
Strangely when their behaviour is mirrored back to them they lash out, and are not at all sensitive about other people’s feelings.

It is true, nice guys do finish last. Friend 1 appears to have been utterly decent about the whole thing. To reward this you’ve rallied round the wrong person and she’s left out in the cold.

Totally absolutely, if this is not made up, I will never believe you are not the F2.

Sit in a corner and think a bit about your life and your treatment of others, even if you are not f2.

She was forced to pull her child out of school because they were being bullied by a friend's child and her reward for doing so is exclusion from the friendship group and you assumed she wasn't upset?!!

Now I'm starting to think this is a wind up too.

She's had to move her child to a different school and has seemingly lost her friends over it!

HOW can you assume that's not upsetting?! Because friend 1 isn't being as emotionally manipulative?

So friend 2 is Queen B. Friend 2 is being all melodramatic. Friend 2s child most likely bullied friend 1s child enough for friend 1 to move schools in year 6. Friend 2 thinks the sun shines out of her dc arse. Friend 2s child was spoken to by school for excluding others. Friend 2 is organising stuff without friend 1 even though friend 1 still invited friend 2.

Good grief woman can you but see who the problem is here?

Why are you so concerned about upsetting friend 2 but not so worried about upsetting friend 1

What is is about Queen Bees that has all the weaker mums pandering to them and being so manipulated

Grow up and support friend 1.

So are you and the other women basically playing Anne to F2's Amanda? How embarrassing.

Friend 2 said it’s not sustainable too. She said it'll only exist now with with either her or friend 1. She was really devastated at the prospect of the latter. ah so she gave you an ultimatum. Nice.

I wish people would use Annie, Beckie, Carrie(or other ABC names) etc instead of friend A, friend B Friend 1, 2 etc!! Makes it easier to follow imo.

Anyway sorry for the rant above but as for this situation friend 2 is playing you like a fiddle. She's accusing friend 1 and child of being liars and trying to manipulate the rest of the group to shut out friend 1. Classic bullying behavior hidden behind a tear-streaked smokescreen.

Unless you suspect friend 1 of lying might be better to step back from the mess. I'd ask the rest of the group to clearly express to both of them that will both be invited to all events and expected to act like the adults they are or not attend. Then do not tolerate and openly air it either of them tries to influence parts of the group not to include the other (guaranteed this will be friend 2)

I'm starting to think OP is friend 2.

Either that or she's scared of her.

OP I can assure you of one thing. Being friends with a Queen B who manipulates the way friend 2 does will ultimately leave you hurt and lonely and bitter. They are a force if destruction and there will come a time when you are the target.

I hadn't seen it that way at the time but yes
Crap.

All of this!!

@StephPlum whether you like it or not! You are not a great friend. Does F1 have to be sat rocking and crying in a corner for you to use an ounce of sense and surmise that she might just be a tad upset by this whole situation and that her child has probably been devastated (being bullied then moving schools in year 6 - which is a massive deal!!). F1 then still has the decency to try and be mature in her adult friendship group and still invite F2 to things! But NO drama queen F2 has made this all about her and has you all rallying around her! He child will end up being a nightmare queen bee too!

wtf have I read! You are F2 aren’t you!??? - do better!

If F1 was weeping and wailing, op would be wishing she'd shut up because F2 might hear and get so, so upset.

These types of exclusive, cliquey friendship groups always end in tears

Honestly you’re a shit friend and you and the group of bullies (that’s you, the others and friend 2), deserve each other.

hope friend 1 makes nicer friends at her son’s new school. Imagine being kicked out of a friendship group because your child is being bullied.

OP, I hope all this feedback motivates you to reach out to Friend 1 at least. Be open and honest about how you had completely missed how upset she much have been, and give her due credit for her attempts to handle it all maturely. She may appreciate it.

I would honestly bin off friend 2. She has played you all like a fiddle and friend 1 has tried to build bridges when quite frankly she shouldn't have to. It seems the child of friend 2 didn't fall far from the tree and you are too blind to see all the manipulation, bullying and ultimatums.

I feel for friend 1 in all this, I hope she goes out with other good/true friends and leaves you all behind.

It's this.

Why are you pandering to friend 2 and allowing this shitty behaviour from her and her child?

Friend 1 literally moved her child's school to get away from friend 2s child and you're all leaving friend 1 out? Shocking op.

All of you but friend 1 are bitches.

F2 is a nasty piece of work and you’re a bunch of suck-ups, frankly.

I hope F1 tells you all to F off, she’s better without you all.

I hope this is made up. Otherwise you and your friends are awful. F2 is an absolute arsehole. I agree with PPs that I hope F1 finds a much nicer group of people to hang around with.

Indeed.

She should stick to her other friends!

Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?🙄

Honestly sounds like you are all a bunch of teenagers. especially friend 2 who seems like head mean girl who has you all under control through manipulation.
Friend 1 is better to move on with her other friends and forget about you all and leave you to it.

PS I think you’re friend 2.

Jeez, there's a lot of melodrama here. I don't see why you can't just continue to see each of them separately. Be honest with each of them and say that while you understand if they don't want to socialize with each other, the other 3 of you want to remain friends with both so they will just have to deal with you doing separate nights out like you have been. No-one's been excluded as you're continuing to do stuff with both of them. They both sound like drama llamas tbh.

How would you feel about friend 2 if it had been your child that had to move schools in yr 6 because of friend 2’s child? Would you still want to socialise with her?

Didn’t think so.

How could you not have seen this at the time? Are you myopic to the point of visual impairment?! You're giving the squeaky wheel allll the grease and being a shit friend to boot.