Excluding a friend?

[StephPlum]

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5.
We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too.
Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp.
Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in).
Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2.
Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded.
If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us.
Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

To move your child to a new school
Is not a quick process and it's not an easy process. It also means you are probably thinking last resort.
I feel like you are maybe giving friend 2 more credit than she deserves. However I also find it bizarre that nothing seems to have been worked on to resolve the situation before it got to the point of moving school.
They clearly both have communication issues with each other and you have all been dumped on the middle. It feels like you need to send them both a message saying it's not fair to be in the middle and whilst you want them to resolve the situation and you will support where you can, you don't want them putting you in the middle anymore.
I am leaning more to friend 1s side though. I think it's a big step to move your child for something supposedly minor. I think maybe friend 2 is as much of an issue as her child.

Op, you are falling in the trap of wanting to please the most difficult person and taking for granted the more easy going person as you don’t like someone being upset with you.

Try thinking about who is actually a better friend to you and the right thing to do instead.

What I'm taking from this is that you're scared of Friend 2 because she can be very volatile and demanding. That's not friendship, that's emotional manipulation. I think you should be putting her in her place and pointing out that Friend 1 wouldn't just move her kid's school on a whim.

You're right I don't like anyone being upset with me, or because of me. It's horrible.

And further to this, I bet friend 1 has been just as upset all along but hasn’t wanted to make things difficult for the friendship group. ie she has empathy.

If your child was being bullied by a friend's child, so badly that they had to move schools, you'd keep quiet and carry on as if nothing's happened? You're a very strange person if you can do that! I think most people would want their friend to acknowledge their child's bullying behaviour and deal with it.

I was F1, as I said above.
And this would be me as well ... pretending all was well when I was devastated they'd fallen for the bullshit being spouted by my child's bully's parent and supported them in their 'devastation'.

F2 is going scorched earth. She won't really be happy until you've all excised F1 from your lives completely (or at least go to great lengths to disguise any contact).

Make sure you never, ever upset F2 or it'll be you next time - you know that's the lesson she's teaching you right? Great friend. Fun times.

I had thought she would talk to us if she was upset, but you may be right. I need a proper chat with her

She feels sad that she's lost her friend (f1)

Yet won't meet up with her in a group!

I do wish they'd sort it between them!

How will that happen when F2 excludes F1 & won't meet up when she is there?

I think you should ignore the original disagreement. Unless 1 actually killed and ate 2's puppy, it's between them.

Now 1 wants to go back to normal (with some unavoidable froideur), but instead is being excluded by the group.

And 2 wants you all to go further and completely ostracise 1 and is so so upset that you haven't.

You wouldn't need to know anything about these two people or their disagreement to work out what you have to do from reading the above.

It's reverse Prisoner's Dilemma. The Prisoner who's an arsehole shouldn't be the one that gets out of gaol.

Honestly I think you are getting way too involved in their relationship. If I were you I’d take a big step back. Refuse to talk to either of them about the situation with the other - “That’s between you and X. My relationships with you both is seperate to the issue you have with each-other. That’s for you two to sort”.
Id accept whatever invites I wanted and declined what invites I wanted. You can’t complain about being left out if you chose to leave a group chat, you can’t complain about being left out if you are invited and choose not to attend.

Honestly, the rest of you should take a step back.

So what have the consequences been to your child for bullying f1’s child? Because it is blatantly obvious that you’re friend2

actually after her behaviour I’d be removing friend2 from the group. The reason she doesn’t have friends is because she’s a bitch.

so if you’re not friend2 but are siding with her that’s what decent people will think of you too.

If you want to do the right thing you will often upset people.
If you're worried about staying in the 'in' group in your school, keep doing what you're doing. That's why bullies always win... seems like learned behaviour on the kids part!

I have never had this level of drama in any friendship group. Honestly I think some people enjoy it or even if they don’t enjoy it they feed it. It would be so easy to just not get involved.

Friend 2 is a bully, just like her kid.

ETA: And you are a bad friend, siding with #2. 🙄

Friend 2 is so manipulative that I am surprised that you can't see it. Friend 1 sounds like an emotionally mature adult. I am not surprised Friend 1 has many more friends than Friend 2. I suspect this situation will sort out itself in time as Friend 1 will move closer to her other friends and lose touch with you. And then you will be left with Friend 2. Lucky you, eh?

Is F2 the queen bee of the group by any chance? She is clearly manipulative from your posts yet you can't seem to see that. I would be amazed if the child wasn't bullying the other one. Seems they learnt from the best how to manipulate adults into believing everything they say.

Yes she is. She's very involved In school too which I think adds to her upset

As is the OP. Either because she is friend2 or because she is siding with her.

You're still holding on to that narrative that DF2 is the one who is really upset, aren't you?

Yes, you beat me to it -- crossposted with my edit.

It doesn't take away from the fact that f1 is also upset. I see that I've been unfair to assume she wasn't that upset about it and was likely just trying to navigate difficult waters with the rest of us all in mind.

The more you post, the more of an arse friend 2 sounds. You keep saying you're trying not to take sides but you absolutely are doing, by the sounds of it purely on the basis of friend 2 making more of a fuss! I feel so bad for Friend 1, she's done literally nothing wrong and is taking the brunt of all of this.

Friend 2 has somehow managed to make everything all about her, rather than a BULLIED CHILD! She's dramatic, manipulative and entitled. How dare she suggest the friendship group can only exist with 1 or the other of them? Is she TWELVE?! That's emotional blackmail and I'd be telling her to fuck right off. She sounds vile.

The more updates OP posts, the more I think Friend 1 has had a lucky escape. What a horrible viper's nest Friend 2 presides over.