Excluding a friend?

[StephPlum]

In the last few years my friendship group has settled into a nice little group of 5.
We have a WhatsApp that's busy with chat and support and we often get together with or without families. Husbands all get along too.
Before Xmas friend 1 told friend 2 that she's moving her child to a new school because of bullying that friend 2's child was involved in. Friend 1 insisted she didn't want to fall out, but friend 2 was upset, said it was all liesbso they had words and friend 1 left the WhatsApp.
Friend 1 has kept in touch with everyone except friend 2. When sending invites to stuff friend 1 includes everyone (Inc. Friend 2, who won't join in).
Friend 2 won't join anything that friend 1 is involved in. So we've had a few get together with just friend 2.
Friend 1 found out about this and is really upset. She thinks they should both be included in everything, and that we are actually preventing a reconciliation by enabling friend 2 to just leave her out. She left the WhatsApp group herself but is now feeling excluded.
If we didn't do anything with friend 2 separately she wouldn't see any of us.
Aibu to leave out friend 1 sometimes?

Not taking sides usually is taking sides. All those bystanders watching whilst somebody is getting bullied? They’re taking the side of the bully.

but you’re not even an outsider! You’re actively participating. Your participation is what makes the exclusion of friend 1 possible.

Did F1 confront F2 about the bullying on your WhatsApp group? Or privately? Had it been taken to school first?

So basically F2's child bullied F1's child to such an extreme extent the only solution was to remove them from school. F2 then bullies F1 to such an extent she's effectively removed from a friendship group. You've sided with F2 to bully F1. Nasty pieces of work all round. F1 is better off without you. You are deeply unpleasant yourself.

Friend 2 sounds as much of a bully as their child. No idea why you seem to have taken their side.

So she should t Jane said anything about friend 2s son bullying her own son, is that what you are saying?

Shouldnt have

F2's reaction to the situation is that her child did no wrong, it's all lies, she's just jealous. Why would a mother take her child out of school because she is jealous?! All cop out responses which don't answer the question why. She is upset that her child has been accused, but how about addressing the issue rather than completely ignoring it. Has she actually parented her child in response to their bullying?

You are focused on the loss of your group as opposed to being there for your friends. You are actively encouraging f1 to make the steps to fix your group mainly for your own benefit not for f1s as it's clear that f2 has not reflected or is willing to see the issues in her household.

I hope f1 leaves and finds some decent supportive mums in the new school.

The thing is, you’re not in the middle because there’s nothing to be in the middle of. Friend 1 is perfectly happy for everyone to meet as before, it’s only friend 2 causing a problem. And in my opinion she doesn’t get to have meet ups on just her terms - it’s not fair for friend 1 to be left out like this.

@StephPlum I wonder if the problem between friend 1 and friend 2 has come about because friend 1 kept quiet too long and presented the bullying and school change as a fait accompli denying friend 2 the opportunity to tackle it, meaning friend 2 feels ashamed and as if it looks like she didn’t care and everyone is pointing the finger at her? If friend 1 was going to say something perhaps she should have said something sooner? It’s a shame, given they were friends that they couldn’t have talked about it before it got to the point it got to. I’m not blaming friend 1 but perhaps there could have been better communication between them?

No one likes to hear their child is behaving badly but friend 2 would be unwise to dismiss it out of hand. Changing schools in year 6 is a big deal so Friend 2 shouldn’t be minimising it, something has clearly gone on. She’s doing herself more damage by flinging around accusations of jealousy and lying. I’d be interested to hear the school’s take about what went on.

It doesn’t sound like their friendship is particularly repairable and I think a fracture between two friends in a group tends to shatter the whole group. All you can do is send invitations etc to them both and say to both that you are not going to pick sides and they need to sort it out between them. What else can you do?.🤷🏻‍♀️

OP stop being friends with both of them, you aren't their friends anyway. You ignore and dismiss what is happening to Friend 1, and you only hang round with Friend 2 because you are clearly scared of her.
Find some people you actually like.

Of course you can leave friend 1 out sometimes, it's not high school yoi can do whatever you want. Friend 1 shouldn't be dictating the terms given her kid is a bully

Oh I think I've mixed this up. Basically do whatever you want, too much drama and you should eb able to hang out with whoever you want to

Also odd that friend 2 with the bully kid, also appears to be a bit of a bully herself 🤔

Wait til friend 2s perfect child starts on your DC, then you get excluded from the friendship group for mentioning it. Then maybe you'll have a scrap of empathy.

Anyone picturing friend 2 as Amanda from Motherland?

Do you as a friendship group have a feel for what might have happened? I was friend one once - dd changed schools in last year of primary to escape bullying. Everyone knew there were big issues with friend two’s child but never said so to her face. My daughter had to start life again as did we as a family and it was incredibly hard.

My friends kept socialising with friend two and then used to come to me and moan about her. One of them still does it six years later. I still find it quite hard tbh. If friend two offered any kind of olive branch I’d take it even now as I still miss my old life sometimes but that would involve her accepting that her child was not always perfect and she’ll never do that.

It's Friend 2's kid who is the bully. Friend 1 is the one who pulled her kid out of school.

There are no more posts by StephPlum on this thread.........

I’m actually surprised F1 wants to see any of you. You are all obviously scared of F2 who herself sounds like a bit of a bully, issuing ultimatums etc The fact you think F1 should have kept quiet so as not to upset F2 says it all really. I’m sorry you are feeling so caught in the middle but I think F2 should be apologising to F1 and encouraging her back into the group. I strongly suspect that F2 child may have genuinely upset F1 child’s but I understand she might be hurt by the use of the word bullying. Maybe F1 could apologise for choice of words there.

I don’t think I have ever read such a frustrating post. I am on page 10. Do you get it OP? I really hope you do.

Really? You're obviously taking friends shit as you want to avoid any conflict. If my child had to change schools due to my friends child bullying I would be saying something. You all sounds like really shitty friends and being controlled by the bully's mum who sounds like a bully herself. I hope friend 1 finds nicer friends

oops wrong thread

There's a lot of truth in what you say but, to be fair, friend 2's child does seem to have been at the centre of the bullying

I think all of you need to accept the friendship group as it was is at an end. A solution would be for you all to just socialise separately with them both at different times. Not all friendships last.

Friend 2 is the problem op and you sound biased towards her. She not the poor me person in this she's the one who can't and won't make the effort despite her child being the problem and you seem to be leaning towards being more sympathetic towards her. Poor friend 1!