To think if a male manager refuses to talk about women’s health..

[LeopardWellies]

Then they actually should not be a manager?!

For background, I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis after 20 odd years of horrific periods and being fobbed off by various GPs and nurses. I chose to have a laparoscopy and before I went off work my manager just would not talk about it with me and would say “oh it’s personal, you don’t need to tell me”.

In other words, I don’t want to talk about your periods because I am a man-child.

This is a rhetorical Q because I know I am not unreasonable in my opinion 🤣

With the exception of the two or three I consider friends, I wouldn’t want to talk with a colleague in any depth about their health issues regardless of their sex. He’s your manager: he only needs to know why and for how long you’re going to be absent, recovery time, and discuss arrangements for your return to work, any reasonable adjustments and so on, refer you to Occ Health or to the employee welfare line if there is one. He doesn’t have to discuss your periods with you and I think it’s a bit odd you desperately want to or expect him to want to.

Not really. What did you need to tell him about it? He should be able to take facts, like recovery, what support you need on returning etc.

But it’s unclear what you want to discuss with him.

I dunno, I wouldn’t expect to talk to my manager in detail about any of my health stuff. I’d appreciate a manager not needing (/wanting) to know the details, whatever the condition.

But it is a personal health issue and they don’t need to know that. Maybe HR do or occupational health, but individual managers don’t, especially if they don’t want to assume the risk of a privacy breach or anything like that. Unless they need to know to make reasonable adjustments or you’ve had extensive time off sick so it needs discussing, then just say you’re out for surgery or whatever it is.

I wouldn't be expecting to tell my manager (regardless of them being a man or woman) about the ins and outs of my personal health. I'd leave it as "I have to be off for an operation" and the length of time I'd need to be off.

Being a manager doesn't mean taking an interest in your teams physical body! They should ask if it goes well / how you're feeling / how they can support you in work.

Why would you want to detail that sort of medical level of detail to anyone apart from perhaps a partner or close family?

I obviously wasn’t going to tell him the gory details 🤣 but he didn’t engage with me at all or give any support.

This. 🤯

What exactly did you want from him? 😵‍💫

So what did you want?

What supportive words could he have given that weren’t from a stock phrases that managers give that would have made you feel supported.

Remembering those comments shouldn’t also be perceived as trying to pick for private information.

There are plenty of female managers who would not want to discuss it either.

To let me tell him I might need more time off depending on how bad it is?

What support? You’re going off for surgery. What support do you need from your work manager? Honestly, grow up.

If you need adjustments made when returning to work then discuss that type of support but what you sound like you wanted was a pat on the back or a cuddle or something. That isn’t his job. Keep your personal stuff to yourself.

Unless you know for sure he wanted the juicy detail of male colleagues' prostate ops, YABU. It's entirely appropriate for a manager to take the attitude that they don't need the detail because they trust you to manage your own health, and expect you just to tell them what absence and accommodations you need.

You're looking for offence where there really isn't any.
He needs to know if you're fit enough for work.
He needs to know if you need any support such as extra time for appointments or whatever.
That's it

As if you’ve just told me to grow up!

He did not provide me with the opportunity to tell him this or ask for anything.

Right. So you wanted him to ask one specific question that it makes no sense to ask. And that’s proof he shouldn’t be a manager?

You booked time off for this? In which case, it’s your job to contact him and tell him you need more time if you need more time.

If you have booked a few days off, why would he enquire about you needing more. When you don’t know if you need more?

100% agree.
OP, he's your manger, not your BFF...
You should consider being more professional in your workplace expectations.

Right… so that’s what you say. That’s all you need to say. “Going for exploratory surgery and will inform you of the outcome if I need more time off, and will have a doctor’s note.”

But really, they’ll do the surgery and remove any endo they find. You’re recovery time shouldn’t be much affected. You’ll only need more time off if they see something that requires further investigation like an inflamed colon or something. If that happens, you let your work know when. You don’t need to discuss anything with your manager about what the surgery is for and what they will do or what they might find. It’s too much info.

Why bother posting if you don’t want to listen to any response telling you that you’re in the wrong?

Female manager who had endometriosis and adenomyosis here.

I think you are being unreasonable. If I need to know more about someone health needs then I refer them to occupational health. If they are going of work sick, I mind if assume that people will come back when they are fit, and if they need longer they will say so when the know that. What else do you think I need to know? It's nothing to do with "periods" and everything to do with dealing with only what I need to know.

That's about what I would expect from any manager.

I do think a male manager might feel particularly that he shouldn't be too nosy so that his female employees don't feel like their privacy about something personal is being invaded. To me that suggests a certain amount of sensitivity.

It also seems like he trusts his people, which is good.

YABVU.

if you need more time for more appointments, that’s your job to communicate.

As it stands you don’t know if you do. What support you need would be sorted when you are coming back.

Do you have a definitive list of what you need?

Because you can’t answer those questions yet. The onus is on you to tell him WHEN YOU KNOW. Not have a little chat about your endo issues beforehand.

Then you may not have made yourself clear.

Be open and honest and tell him you find it difficult to discuss with him but its a medical condition that will/may affect my work/etc. I'm more than certain the manger would direct you to HR and then HR will update him as per agreement with you what to discolse or not.

A manger needs to be aware of why staff need time off, back to work plan etc.

I had an illness and did not feel comfy telling my manager and they were the same sex as me and they put me onto HR who took over. The reason I did not want to tell the manager is they were a gossip.

I think it's clear why the manager is employed as a manager, whilst our OP... errr... isn't.