To think if a male manager refuses to talk about women’s health..

[LeopardWellies]

Then they actually should not be a manager?!

For background, I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis after 20 odd years of horrific periods and being fobbed off by various GPs and nurses. I chose to have a laparoscopy and before I went off work my manager just would not talk about it with me and would say “oh it’s personal, you don’t need to tell me”.

In other words, I don’t want to talk about your periods because I am a man-child.

This is a rhetorical Q because I know I am not unreasonable in my opinion 🤣

Some of you must have some cold managers! I'm a people manager and if someone was going off to have surgery, whether they're male or female I would absolutely be checking in, making sure they're OK and helping them access any support they might need for physical and mental health. Maybe I'm an outlier but health and wellbeing is important to me for those I manage.

I don't want to know about someone's IBS. Or endo. Or prostate.

If you need medical time off, show me your doctor's note, and off you go.

But why would I email when he quite clearly did not want to talk about it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not a dafty.

I just spoke to HR about it after that, but he didn’t know I was due back on the day I came back, so not sure if nothing got passed on or he just didn’t pay attention to it.

I think he/she just needs to know you may be ill .No details needed! Private to you only

Ultimately this is one of the problems with the way a lot of workplaces are structured: in order to progress in seniority, staff are expected to manage people - which is a completely differently skill to managing projects or workflows or demonstrating professional expertise. People management is a specialist skill in itself and it’s bizarre that we think that because somebody is a brilliant actuary or excels at retail buying that they should also have the skills and desire to motivate and support a team of junior colleagues and really enjoy checking in about health problems and asking caring questions.

I’m so confused about why you won’t tell him how much time you need off - because he hasn’t been warm and fuzzy enough about it - and decided to go directly to HR instead as though to punish him. I think you are making a drama where there needn’t be one. You tell him what he needs to know / what you’re obliged to let work know and that’s that. You don’t wait for him to invite you kindly in just the right tone to tell him.

I don’t understand what you are trying to say here and I don’t think you have read all of my posts?

I am obviously not going to go into depth with him about it - I am no idiot! This is what happened -

I email: Hi, I am expecting an operation in the next two months (endometriosis). At this stage not sure how long I’ll be off for. I wasn’t sure if this comes to you or to HR?
Him: no reply
Once I get a date, was on the phone to him anyway: Oh by the way I got a date for my operation -
Him (cuts me off): Ah no, it’s personal, it’s personal. You don’t need to tell me that. It’s personal I don’t need to know.
Me: OK who do I send sick notes etc to?
Him: Just whoever.
Me: OK great well I’ll let you go, thanks bye.

He didn’t know I was coming back when I did and he didn’t speak to me directly for 3 weeks - there was no “how are you feeling” or “hope it went well” would be better because he obv didn’t want to ask questions.

I’m a female manager and I wouldn’t want to discuss this either.

I don’t want period chat normalised at work either, same goes for any other medical woes, tbh.

I think the least amount of detail shared about your personal life, health and medical records, the better. The only conversation needed is you informing them you’ll be having elective surgery for an ongoing gynaecology issue is all that is needed, approximately how long you anticipate being off sick and how you plan to keep them
informed of your proposed return to work date.

Yeah I think the same? At least offer to speak about it. People aren’t just machines churning out emails!

Honestly I wouldn't want to hear details either. I need a medical procedure would be loads of info for me. I think yabu

Just because you don't like your manager doesn't mean he's wrong for not wanting to discuss your gynecological issues with you. And the only "support" he needs to offer is to approve your time off when he gets the note from your doctor.

Medical privacy is a big deal and managers get in trouble for breaching it. YABVVVVU.

I just say “Do you want to talk to me about it?” And if it’s a no then “Let me know if I can help with anything”. It’s really not difficult
Except it can be difficult because if a manager doesn't want to get outside their lane/expertise/become an outlet for emotional dumping then "do you want to talk about it?" is an invitation for anything from:
"No thank you, but I'll let you know if I need anything "
To
"Actually it would be useful for you to know that ... And I'm happy to keep you in the loop once I've followed up with occupational health "
To
Here's a run down of medical issues that should really be dealt with by occupational health
To
Let me dump my health woes and emotional baggage on you and then if/when you're getting on with managing instead of being my therapist/support human I'll go to HR and say you're not being appropriately understanding or sympathetic, or if it's something linked to my sex then I'll suggest you're discriminating on sex grounds because you don't want to talk about periods/prostates.

As anyone who's spent time in a breakroom with an oversharing colleague knows, some people have no filter and are very happy to overshare / blur professional boundaries because it's all about them. You might be happy taking that risk and might be happy for any of the above to happen, but a manager who doesn't want to open the floodgates isn't unreasonable.

I think he was just trying to make sure that you didn’t feel any pressure to tell him what you didn’t have to. I would love that. We have to email at least four people and will be generally questioned on the reason.

Medical privacy is a big deal and managers get in trouble for breaching it. YABVVVVU.

Absolutely. Also I think each large office has at least one person who decides to make medical issues their entire personality. Oversharing is becoming an epidemic.

That's completely irrelevant to what the OP said.
She told her manager she'd be off. And is offended he didn't want details about her reproductive system.

Obviously it's nice to check in with someone once they've had their procedure. If you think they'd like it.

Then again, you only have to look at all the threads on here when managers/HR aren't even allowed to do that without someone getting the hump!

In my opinion that’s just part and parcel of being a manager. Clearly I’m the outlier though.

This is a consequence of “bringing your authentic self to work”. No. Please don’t. Bring your professional self to work. No one needs to know about your gynaecological issues - male or female.

Jus t lay out the facts in an email. I thought managers etc weren't allowed to ask all the ins and outs of personal matters.

Except I wasn’t telling him about my reproductive system?! I just wanted to tell him when I’d be off 🥲

Would you say that if I couldn’t walk and needed a knee replacement?

Female manager here… You sound very weird OP… Just tell him you’re having surgery and will work out the details with HR and will keep him posted

I would, yes. You only need to say - I’ll be off for a knee replacement on XXX dates, I’ll send you an email with the dates.

No one needs to discuss your health.

This area is a minefield, I understand why he sidestepped it.

@LeopardWellies that’s your problem right there, if you think that being a manager = being an endlessly available emotional dumping ground for all your direct reports. This is not in the job description.

This is a rhetorical Q because I know I am not unreasonable in my opinion 🤣

So why bother asking the question? Is it just so you can argue your case? You seem to like drama for the sake of it