To think if a male manager refuses to talk about women’s health..

[LeopardWellies]

Then they actually should not be a manager?!

For background, I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis after 20 odd years of horrific periods and being fobbed off by various GPs and nurses. I chose to have a laparoscopy and before I went off work my manager just would not talk about it with me and would say “oh it’s personal, you don’t need to tell me”.

In other words, I don’t want to talk about your periods because I am a man-child.

This is a rhetorical Q because I know I am not unreasonable in my opinion 🤣

Its nothing to do with periods. It’s to do with talking about medical information. You might want to but others won’t want to and will find any questions intrusive. So managers don’t do it.

You give your sick note, which shows the time you’ll be off. That’s all you need and all they need; it doesn’t need a discussion and a whole load of people will not want to discuss it.

You only need a further talk if you need more time of adjustments.

@LeopLeopardWellies oh looool early 30's 😂. Definitely should be at least a little aware then.

Yeah maybe it’s not a period specific issue. He described someone with schizophrenia as a “whack job” so clearly he doesn’t have much regard for mental health either.

You'll presumably furnish them with a sick note from your doctor?

That's one help of a drip feed.

But I don't think think it helps your argument in anyway.

Why would you even want to discuss private medical issues with someone who has proven themselves to be so disparaging of other people's illnesses?

I suspect you dislike the manager anyway and while it may be with good reason, there is nothing negative in your interaction.

I’m in my late 30s, I manage someone in their early 30s who tells me about her periods every month and I just don’t need to know!

So it’s got nothing to do with periods.

He is just a poor people manager?

Thats completely different.

Non of what you want is specific to periods or women’s reproduction. You want him to be a better manager, I get that. But it’s nothing to do with why you are off. He just doesn’t care either way.

But no, you don’t need to comfortable with talking about periods to be a manager.

You have your note to HR, they will have advised him how long you were having off

I read a thread where someone got into trouble by talking about kids. So I completely get where he is coming from. Can you imagine if he asked a question about a women's health issue and it be taken the wrong way? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I'm a woman but I wouldn't want to know about someone else's period issues!

It’s my opinion that period chat needs to be normalised tbh
You're an over-sharer aren't you?

Hahaha it’s not me I promise - I’ve spent the last 10ish years sitting at my desk feeling like I’m going to pass out in silence every 3.5 weeks.

I was just thinking about the other thread in the context of this one.

@LeopardWellies you're conflating issues. Yes, periods are normal. I'm a woman manager and would be out the door if I questioned someone as to the details of any medical intervention they were taking time off for.

He was quite right to tell you that he doesn't need to know the details of your private circumstances.

That doesn't mean he has any issues with women and their periods. It's just not relevant to his being a manager.

Nope the opposite.

If you have endo/adeno then periods are a medical issue. And it’s not just the pain and bleeding it’s everything that goes with it.

I just think if I had IBS or migraines and had a flare up and needed time off then you would say that and nobody would bat an eyelid? But it’s so different if I have an endo flare up.

And it goes deeper because women’s health is so under-funded there has been next to no investigation into endo and there’s currently no cure. Not even GPs give a shit and it would just be so nice to know why I have this chronic illness and y’know.. be able to treat it.

I know he doesn’t need to know my monthly cycle! And I wasn’t going to tell him anything anyway. But to say “that’s private” and shut the convo down without asking how long I need off etc is just so odd to me.

I’m a PA and I cringe so badly when people email my boss the gory details of their illnesses !!

We don’t need to know you’ve had diarrhoea all night - ‘I’m ill’ is fine!

If you had IBS I wouldn’t want to hear about that either. Provided I trust my team members then I don’t need to hear about the ins and outs of their health I just need to hear

1)“I’m sorry I’m too unwell to work today but I aim to be back tomorrow”

2)”sorry I am unwell and not sure when I will be back”

3. “Sorry I am unwell and I am likely to have flare ups from time to time but they are quite unpredictable, I will of course let you know how I am feeling”

This is all I need and as much detail as I want to know

I'd not expect a manager to ask for details to be honest because it relies on them being a mind reader.

For every person like OP who expects their manager to ask details to show they care, there's probably more colleagues who would find questions intrusive and awkward. I'd also suspect few managers would want to leave themselves open to a situation where a team member is upset/offended or thinks the manager is straying into medical area that's outside their expertise.

HR deal with the absence side of things and occupational health are the people to speak to if health issues are likely to impact the workplace. The manager just needs to be professionally friendly and take advice/guidance from HR and occupational health.

I guess he missed the professionally friendly memo! Although if it was a rugby injury he’d deffo be all over it 🤣

I just say “Do you want to talk to me about it?” And if it’s a no then “Let me know if I can help with anything”. It’s really not difficult.

I just can’t with this Instagram / TikTok / my truth generation 🤦‍♀️

It really depends on whether he is not letting you tell something pertinent - ie. how long you will be off if it depends on certain recovery points being hit.

Why didn’t you just email him the relevant information about how long you would be off, the possibility of it being longer of recovery was slow and what you might need in terms of support on your return?

Just rereading the OP's posts. @LeopardWellies

How many times did you try and make your manager discuss your endo? Because your post seems to be saying it was more than just a one-off? "He just wouldn't engage"

I'm genuinely trying to envisage any conversation I've had with the people I manage over the years where either they've wanted to, or I've wanted to, discuss the ins and outs of their absences for medical procedures.

The answer is none. Because it's unprofessional and bordering on harassment if the other party wants a private matter kept private.

The doctor's sick note suffices. That tells HR and your manager how long you'll need.

"How are you feeling" when you're back suffices.

He does sound a bit squeamish and rubbish. Generally I know about the health issues of my team because they tell me in our 121s and we have already been working out strategies for management sometimes that includes occupational health and external support. My manager knows about my issues. But we've made it clear we're supportive employers who won't discriminate. Possibly too much cause sometimes I feel like a surrogate mother.

I wouldn't want any colleague of either sex talking to me about my reproductive health.

I don't think men generally feel comfortable talking about periods with women who are not their partner or family member. He could be worried he'll say the wrong thing and offend you. I guess he offended you by not wanting to say anything.

Unless you are close friends outside of work, he would not think there was a need to discuss it. Other than to offer generic sympathy, like sorry to hear you are unwell.

Would you expect him to talk openly with you about the fact he has erection problems, a growth on his testicle etc?

Most men would run a mile from having to discuss the female reproductive system and certainly wouldn't want to ask too many questions about for fear of offence . They can't win really can they!!