To think if a male manager refuses to talk about women’s health..

[LeopardWellies]

Then they actually should not be a manager?!

For background, I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis after 20 odd years of horrific periods and being fobbed off by various GPs and nurses. I chose to have a laparoscopy and before I went off work my manager just would not talk about it with me and would say “oh it’s personal, you don’t need to tell me”.

In other words, I don’t want to talk about your periods because I am a man-child.

This is a rhetorical Q because I know I am not unreasonable in my opinion 🤣

And if a male manager raised the subject and was over-invested in women's health, he would be called a creep and accused of crossing a line.

My initial sick note was for four weeks and I was off for longer.. it’s not a couple of days recovery.

I suppose I just thought in 2024 managers must realise that non-work issues affect work too. I do with my direct reports, two of which have been/will be off for major ops. It costs nothing to be nice.

I have endometriosis and have been on both sides of this, both having to tell my own manager and also having been told as a manager.

I'm not sure what you expect from him in terms of treating it differently to any other illness. How long will you be off? What support do you need?

A few years ago, a male colleague of mine was treated for prostate cancer. It is absolutely not my place to ask anything other than the above.

It would be completely wrong of me to ask him for any more details that the above. It's none of my business, may cause him embarrassment or discomfort and HR would absolutely displicline me if I strayed off anything other than the facts - time off and any work supports required.

His private personal medical information isn't my business. His time off requirements and any supports he needs are.

You are being unreasonable.

You see asking questions as being nice
I would find it intrusive

This is a rhetorical Q because I know I am not unreasonable in my opinion 🤣

Tells me everything I need to know about the OP.

My dd has adenomyosis so I have sympathy, but OP YABU.

I'm not sure what you expect from him in terms of treating it differently to any other illness. How long will you be off? What support do you need?

The point is he didn’t even offer that, there was no conversation.

I am going through the same, but I know my manager is squeamish (if someone throws up he can't deal)
I just said I have been diagnosed with endometriosis and will need to have an op etc
He said ok tell me if you need anything
End of conversation

See I would take that, that’s nice enough, but I didn’t get that convo.

OP if one of your male staff members said they were having issues and needed time off to have a delicate procedure involving their testicles, what would you do differently that your manager didn’t do with you?

So you are off for 4 weeks.

You have no idea what support you might need on returning, or what other appointments there might be.

It’s assumed if you don’t feel you can return after 4 weeks, you will get another sick note. Nothing he can do at this point changes that.

Non work issues do impact work. And what? There’s nothing he can do until you know you are returning.

Surprised at the responses here.

As a manager I wouldn’t ask any detailed questions. And I probably would say something along the lines of “you don’t need to share any detail with me”. But I’d also check in on how long you expect to be off, and ask whether it would be helpful to set any more support in place now - eg an agreement that you could work from home for the first week of your return. And I’d do my best to be open so that if you did want to tell me more then you could. “It’s been so hard to cope with and I’m relieved I’m getting treatment but worried it might not work” may not be strictly work-related but it’s a lot easier for me to support you if I know that’s going on in the background.

OPs manager sounds totally dismissive. Doesn’t take much to understand there could well be misogyny behind that.

So you just wanted a platitude?

and you think you didn’t get cause periods. It’s likely he didn’t say it because he assumed you would tell him if you need anything.

its got nothing to do with why you are off.

But because he refused to talk about it he had no idea that I would even be off for 4 weeks, let alone 6. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want your manager to care about when you will be coming back to work. And surely from a work perspective he should need to know, no?

That doesn't mean it's because of your endometriosis.

It is most likely because he lets HR deal with all medical issues. A lot of managers do...

I tend to ask colleagues what supports to they need from because I think it works best for our team but some managers don't. It's also easier to understand what colleagues may need if you've been off with a serious illness in the past. Maybe he hasn't.

He's not wrong, he just has a different approach. If you need anything additional in terms of time or supports, I'm pretty certain HR will accommodate it.

Right but because he shut down any initial conversation, I’m obviously going to be less likely to ask for help in future..

He’s done exactly what any manager in my workplace would have done. We are specifically warned NOT to pry or ask, because then you can be accused of pressuring for details etc, he’s been absolutely fine

That's not bad advice.

@LeLeopardWellies not unreasonable at all. Can I ask what age he was please? I worked with a man like that but the ladies just used it to their advantage and just told him "women's issues" and I don't blame them. I'm in my 40's and my wife tells me she likes that I ask the odd question about anything like this (we've been watching a TV show and a lady in it is talking about her going through the menopause, which I'd prefer to have more of an understanding - not in a weird way, just so I have a grasp of what's happening). For context it's never bothered me - my Dad on the other hand was horrified to learn that if I'm doing the shopping and sanitary items are on the shopping list then I'll put them in the trolley 😂.

You have work your sick note. They know. He didn’t need any info about the surgery. And if you need more time, then you give them that note. If you need adjustments made then you give them that info when you have it.

Your writing more posts but people still don’t agree with you. So again, grow up.

So who did you give your note to?

He’s early 30s!

It’s my opinion that period chat needs to be normalised tbh.

I don't chat medical details with my team. Some offer some details and some are so private I have no actual idea what the medical condition is. It's none of my business.
He could have asked you if you need support or anything. But clearly he didn't. Is that being squeamish about periods? Or is he just a bit of a " leave it to HR" kind of manager? My first instinct would have been the latter rather than the former tbh.

Personally I don't think the period chat or prostate cancer chat or vomiting and diarrhoea chat every needs to be normalised in the workplace.

It's a complete overshare.

Your manager should not be discussing your health condition with you. This is outside of their scope.
I support people with reasonable adjustments in work and I always tell them to stop talking about their diagnosis, symptoms and hypothetical scenarios. Approach your management with concrete details i.e. "I am unable to complete the required paperwork in the timeframe given due to significant cognitive deficits. I need additional 15 minutes between appointments to process any ongoing correspondence" or "I am undergoing surgery on the 15th of April. The advised recovery time is 5 days. What procedures are in place if I need to request additional days off sick?".

I just dealt with HR after that.

He didn’t know I would be back on the day I came back, then didn’t speak to me directly for 3 weeks.