To politely decline this week away

[Lovelycupofcoffee]

So five of us have decided to go a cheap week away in April. I only know one of the people going and she’s lovely. I met 2 more this weekend. They are so not my type of people and it sounds awful but I really don’t want to spend a week with them . Am I being really horrible to decline the week away ? The conversation was really strained and it just felt like we have nothing in common.

It's not a big deal. If she was invited to something else she might decide she was ok with them for an evening and fancied a night out or BBQ. Alternatively she could just say 'thanks but I've got plans'. The plan is not seeing them. Nothing snowballing.

That's a right, sack the cleaner to add insult to injury 😂

I don't think this even happened but if it did you did judge her friends you could have just said oh no sorry my brain! I have a wedding to attend that week I could of sworn it was later in the month or somesuch

That's a right, sack the cleaner to add insult to injury 😂

It's alright, she'll have a holiday to get over it 😆

Perhaps you can now tell the original woman that you don't care if you never speak to her again?

Well, the issue is she has lost a friend, by being honest and saying the friend’s friends weren’t her kind of people.

So it snowballed anyway, only much faster, and the end result is loss of a friend.

@TheMessiahIsMySister I’m about total truth and honesty, and if the cleaner friend is gonna be a princess about it and fall out with me, I’d cut my loses

In this instance (or similar) may I ask why?

This is purely out of interest and I'm genuinely not questioning your values.

It's just that there is a balance of two things that I would see as favourable in themselves- saving the colleague and her friend's face/ feelings and being totally truthful.

For me the former would win in this situ as I wouldn't see it as very important that they knew my true reason for not wanting to go and I'm not influencing any of their decision making by hiding it.

I'm just interested why you would have the opposite opinion! I'm not going to start banging on and countering it, these differences just fascinate me!

Perhaps we all have a different perception of what we consider offensive. I don’t think what OP offered is bad in the slightest. Now if OP said “I can’t come because I think your friends are low-life pieces of shit”.. then yes, I’d agree with toning it down abit. But OP said (and I paraphrase) “they are not my type of people, and I don’t want to cause any awkwardness on the holiday”. Perhaps because I’ve previously said to friends - if for example I’ve met their old school friend - “they were nice enough, just not my cup of tea (or my type of people)”. I’ve never had any drama over it, it’s just a fact of life that we are not going to gel with everyone. It sounds perfectly reasonable.. and honest.

What I find interesting, is that a lot of those on this thread, seem never to have offended anyone with their truth - I’m impressed!!

@MadamVastra yep I can confirm it definitely happened.

I'm really surprised how many people would have lied about the reasons. I wouldn't have phrased it like the OP but I wouldn't have made up a lie either. Was she not there when you met them for the first time? Did she not feel the awkward moments? I would have just said that you realised going on holiday with people you only just met is a bit too uncomfortable.

That’s exactly what I would have said.

I don't think most people are talking about out and out lies, @honeybeetheoneandonly , people are talking about being somewhat more thoughtful of people's feelings in the way you phrase things.
Like this example:
However, for future OP, you can still be diplomatic without lying (I can’t lie either). You can just tell a different versions of the truth. Such as “I’m so sorry I’ve changed my mind. I thought I could go away with people I don’t really know, but actually, I’m not in the place to do so”

It isn't a lie. It is the truth - OP doesn't want to go away with these people, nut by wording it like this, it would have put "the blame" on herself rather than the nasty feeling she has created by the wording she did use.

Well, one person upthread did suggest OP instead say that one of her friends/relatives was sick 🤨AND also had the cheek to advise OP to ‘learn how to be an adult’ - all in the same sentence!! The mind boggles!

This isn’t against you @NewName24, as your post sounds constructive. But some have been preaching about considering ‘others’ feelings, whilst simultaneously saying whatever the hell they want to OP. They certainly don’t care about ‘telling it how it is’ or putting digs in that she must not have many friends - the irony eh!

Agree with @NewName24 - people aren’t suggesting bull-shitting and making up complete lies.

Just being nice, and considering people’s feelings a bit.

@Ladyluckinred 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

But some have been preaching about considering ‘others’ feelings, whilst simultaneously saying whatever the hell they want to OP. They certainly don’t care about ‘telling it how it is’ or putting digs in that she must not have many friends - the irony eh!

Valid point - but - this is an anonymous forum, not a group of friends. And the OP has come here expressly to get opinions from people. So the same social rules don’t really apply.

Of course - people could be more considered in the responses - and plenty have been.

But you post in AIBU on MN, you have to expect some straight talking. It’s not real life.

And you don't mind hurting people along the way?

Well, we will have to agree to disagree there. I certainly don’t think that just because it’s an anonymous forum, people can lose ‘social rules’ (whatever that means). Surely you’re not suggesting that just because it’s not ‘real life’, it doesn’t impact the recipient in anyway? Dangerous things have happened on the internet with that line of thinking.

Yes, I agree about posting in AIBU. My point is the irony of quite a few ‘polite’ people, losing their political correctness because they are behind a screen. Personally, and I speak for myself, my one rule of internet use is: if I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying it to someone’s face in ‘real life’, I won’t say it here either. And as you’ve quite correctly assessed, some on here would say more, because they don’t see the individual as real.

^Did you see my username?^

Ouch, I wouldn't have put it like that, even though it's the truth. I recently bailed out of a week-long holiday with two friends after we went on a short break and one of the friends was a complete nightmare. Even though I do like her as a friend there was no way I could put up with that behaviour for a whole week. Other friend is aware & says she doesn't blame me (the behaviour was mostly aimed at me) but as far as the nightmare friend is concerned it's due to "finances". Like OP, no money has been lost by me pulling out.

It's not bad or offensive but it is saying 'i don't like your friends'. I just don't see it as worth bringing up.

I've definitely said similar too but to closer friends. For this example- work, someone she doesn't know well anyway, it seems more important to just give a clear, polite and impersonal reason and ensure she gets out of the holiday.

I doubt nobody has ever caused offence, just to a lot on here this seems a clear cut example of 'just make a polite excuse'.

I think it is nevertheless more difficult for some to lie than others, especially those who are neurodiverse and for whom lying is much more painful than being honest, even if it makes things easier for someone else.

In many situations, social niceties are only truly nice for the neuro-typicals who invented the rules.

Your post basically says you don’t want to go. Nothing wrong with that and nobody else can really decide how you feel about it.

People do friendships differently. I found it interesting reading on here about OPs who only have individual friends that they see one at a time and never mix. Until then I'd always figured that if a friend didn't want to introduce me to their other friends that they weren't that keen or were just being nice to me out of sympathy. If I made a friend but found I didn't get on with their other friends I'd question the potential of the friendship.

OP it's probably worth figuring out what sort you are because I think it makes a difference as to how best to handle this sort of situation.