To politely decline this week away

[Lovelycupofcoffee]

So five of us have decided to go a cheap week away in April. I only know one of the people going and she’s lovely. I met 2 more this weekend. They are so not my type of people and it sounds awful but I really don’t want to spend a week with them . Am I being really horrible to decline the week away ? The conversation was really strained and it just felt like we have nothing in common.

It is possible to be too honest at times, you can really make people feel crap.

You could have just said something like 'I've thought about it and I think it's the wrong time for me to go away. I got carried away because it was so nice of you to ask me but I'm not going to be able to come'. That's not a lie.

I think you should think hard about 'I always prefer to be honest' because what you said sounds to have been unkind. It pays to think about the other person.

These clearly aren't your people so even though it's not nice that this woman at work isn't speaking to you I'd argue that you haven't actually lost anything. It wouldn't be any fun to pretend to like her mates, she's just not the right friend for you.

I don’t know as that I think either of you are 100% in the wrong, depending on how you actually phrased it.
You don’t have to like everybody. Nobody is everyone’s cup of tea, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly fine for you to not want to go on holiday with someone because of that. Yes you could have told a white lie and said it was for financial reasons etc, but I know I’d have worried then about the (however unlikely) possibility that someone would say “oh well we don’t want you to miss out, we’ll split it and you can pay us back” or similar. So depending on how you actually said “I don’t want to go on holiday with your friends”, I don’t necessarily think you ABU.
However, by the same measure, I don’t think that she is BU to feel a bit put out by that. She probably thinks her friends are lovely, and that if you don’t like them you’re also judging her for being friends with them, rightly or wrongly.

This is odd. You’ve been having a hard time, so you agree to go on holiday with your company cleaner, who you don’t care if you ever speak to again, and with two of her friends you’ve never met?

Making yourself sound like little miss judge isn't politely declining. You've been as subtle as a sledge hammer

You were rude. "Not lying" is not an excuse. Apologise and hopefully blows over.

Oh come on it's nothing to do with being honest! Of course you could have made up an excuse that wouldn't have hurt this woman. I dont get that and I really don't get why you say you're not bothered if she doesn't talk to you again ...you're close enough you were going to go on holiday with her!

You were rude but she now rude. Lucky escape on this holiday. Next time white lie...you can't afford the holiday

i think some diplomacy given you see this woman all the time at work would have been better. BUT At least you’ve dealt with it in such a way that it’s done now. if you’d fobbed them off with an excuse they might have tried to “solve” any reasons you gave for not going or keep asking you. i think she has been pretty rude back to you actually so just write it off to experience and forget about it.

‘Not my kind of people’ is a phrase that carries with it a load of judgement. It’s never said of people with sophisticated taste and high standards! Therefore you have implied her friends are lacking.

What you should have said was something like,
I didn’t think I fitted in very well with your friends and I didn’t want to spoil your trip. I think I’d have cramped your style!

Focus on what wouldn’t have worked rather than what kind of people they are!

DM went with a friend who wanted to lie by the pool and get gently sozzled. DM wanted to explore. It was trying for them both.

Eek OP, I think you very much did judge the friends!

That reply would also have wound her up. White lie would be better.

It's judgy but it's not wrong to want friends you're reasonably compatible with. It's not a nice thing to hear from a person but at least you're not wasting your time on them. The OPs colleague can focus her efforts on other people now.

Well you were pretty rude about her friends. Good for her for standing up for them. What baffles me is why you agreed to go away with people that you have either never met or who you don’t care if you never speak to again. 🤷‍♀️

So OP posted saying she didn't want to go, PP encouraged her not to go, she pulled out and now PP are having a go because she pulled out?

And who is rude? Sounds like the organiser's friends weren't exactly friendly. They probably didn't want a stranger going anyway.

The old " can't afford it " excuse is always the best to fall back on. You were very rude OP. I don't like lying but understand that white lies have a purpose and that is to grease social wheels.

Firstly, it was the first time you'd met these people. A couple of awkward silences is OK, you don't have to be getting on like a house on fire at first introduction. Who knows, if youd gone on the holiday you may have made another friend or two. If not, there was a group of established friends there that could have spent time together whilst you relaxed solo. What really did you have to lose.

As for the 'I prefer to tell the truth' statement, I'm surprised you have any friends at all if you speak like this to them. You were rude and inconsiderate. She was your friend so why didn't you stop and think for a second how she might feel hearing what you said? You absolutely did judge her friends. Having a short meeting with them and fucking off the whole holiday is brutal unless they were fred and rose west. Maybe have a little empathy and compassion for people before spouting your honesty. God, if I went round telling people exactly what I thought all the time without any thought for their feelings life would be a shitshow.

You did judge them and your reason was far to honest that it was actually rude so no wonder she’s annoyed at you. You could of come up with loads of excuses that wouldn’t offend anyone

Goodness. Totally fair enough to decide that you don't want to go, but unspeakably rude to say that it's because this woman's friends are not your type of people. What on earth possessed you to say that?

It's no wonder that she has reacted badly, really. Just be polite and civil to her from now on, and chalk it up to experience.

Or they could of felt just as awkward as OP meeting a stranger for the first time, there’s nothing to suggest they was rude or unfriendly

This is… odd. So you were going to go on holiday with the cleaner at your company, then decided her friends were too rough and so you told her they weren’t your ‘sort’ of people, and she’s offended, but you don’t care if you never speak again anyway…

Ok…

Sorry but it was a very judgemental statement. Even if that is the truth, there's far more polite and and of putting it without lying - eg I'm not in a great place now and don't think I can cope with going away with people I don't know, not a lie just a little economical with the full truth

There's honest and honest.

It would have been equally honest to say 'actually, I've thought about it and I don't think I'm up for a holiday with people that I don't know well. It's a bit of a risk'.

So you've no excuse for being rude about her friends and hurting her.

This all feels a bit odd to me. 'Five of us have decided to go for a cheap week away' - not really the case - you agreed to a holiday without knowing any of the others, and it sounds as if you didn't know the inviter that well either. I think your knock-back was tactless and you'd have been better saying money was an issue, or even simply that you couldn't / didn't want to go, without giving a reason. Still it's done now, and on the positive side you don't have to go on a holiday that isn't for you. Lesson learned.

Quite!