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AIBU?

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Original poster

To politely decline this week away

141 replies

Lovelycupofcoffee · 18/02/2024 19:36

So five of us have decided to go a cheap week away in April. I only know one of the people going and she’s lovely. I met 2 more this weekend. They are so not my type of people and it sounds awful but I really don’t want to spend a week with them . Am I being really horrible to decline the week away ? The conversation was really strained and it just felt like we have nothing in common.

OP posts:
crockofshite · 05/03/2024 08:02

You were being judgey and also rude.

There's no need to always be brutally honest, sometimes it's better to lie, ie - so sorry I can't make it now, something unexpected has come up (family thing, sick friend/relative etc). No need to over egg the omelette, keep it simple.

You need to teach yourself to recognise when something you say is going to hurt feelings.

Learn to be an adult.

NeedToChangeName · 05/03/2024 08:13

Lovelycupofcoffee · 04/03/2024 20:54

@Autienotnautie i was very honest and said I just said I felt that they weren’t my type of people and I didn’t want to ruin her holiday . No one lost any money .

That's so rude. I don't blame her for taking offence

And then, to add insult to injury, you've posted about it online ........

NeedToChangeName · 05/03/2024 08:18

I can’t lie to save my life and always prefer to be honest

OP, do you also use phrases like "I tell it like it is" and "I'm a marmite person, people love me or hate me"? If so, I can tell you that most people hate that attitude

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/03/2024 08:20

I expect the other holiday-goers are feeling like they have had a lucky escape!!

Iwantmyoldnameback · 05/03/2024 08:34

Do you actually have any friends other than this cleaner at work?
To be honest with your manners and social skills I'd be swerving you.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 05/03/2024 08:42

*Repeating how "rude" the op was just isn't helpful. People repeating the same thing are just putting the boot in.

AngelinaFibres · 05/03/2024 09:03

All of this is odd. You work at a company and the organiser is the cleaner but also your friend. How did that dynamic ever happen? Surely she is doing her job when she's there and you are busy with yours/ finishing for the day and going home. How would you have anything in common ?

MermaidEyes · 05/03/2024 09:06

DullGret · 05/03/2024 06:49

This is odd. You’ve been having a hard time, so you agree to go on holiday with your company cleaner, who you don’t care if you ever speak to again, and with two of her friends you’ve never met?

That was my first thought. Tbh I'm kind of assuming OP doesn't really have anyone else to go away with because otherwise who would say yes in that situation? 🤷🏻‍♀️

diddl · 05/03/2024 09:37

Sounds as if she isn't a friend so overall it doesn't really matter.

But how did you happen to get invited?

Floatlikeafeather2 · 05/03/2024 09:39

You do realise that by saying they aren't your sort of people you are, in her eyes, saying she isn't your sort of person. No wonder she doesn't want anything to do with you.

CurlewKate · 05/03/2024 09:43

Politely declining would be fine. Rudely declining -not so much.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/03/2024 09:46

In fairness having read your posts @Lovelycupofcoffee, you didn't 'politely' decline the week away. You went in with a sledge hammer and the friend you thought you had, now sees you as stuck up and someone who doesn't like the company that they keep.

There are 100's of ways you could have backed out of the weekend without saying that they didn't appear to be your kind of people.

Who knows what kind of people they would be when you'd go away with them? You could have said that you didn't feel well (closer to the time) or that you remembered an event that you had previously agreed to go to (before hand and before paying anything). All are white lies and would have been less brutal than your statement to the office cleaner friend.

Newestname002 · 05/03/2024 10:16

Lovelycupofcoffee · 04/03/2024 21:19

I can’t lie to save my life and always prefer to be honest .I did tell her in person as I felt a mail / message was not the best way forward. Her reaction this morning now makes me think I could gave handled the situation a lot better.

Sometimes truth needs to be given with a little bit of honey OP. You were right to pull out as you'd changed your mind but, in future, need to take into account how your words (and maybe tone?) will be taken by the other person. 🌹

WhatNoRaisins · 05/03/2024 10:17

I do think you need to accept that you've burnt your bridges with this particular individual OP.

MumHereAgain2023 · 05/03/2024 10:23

Sorry you were rude. Could have said it nicer.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/03/2024 10:24

That’s a firm no from me. Don’t waste your time on things you don’t want to do.

Shitlord · 05/03/2024 10:43

AngelinaFibres · 05/03/2024 09:03

All of this is odd. You work at a company and the organiser is the cleaner but also your friend. How did that dynamic ever happen? Surely she is doing her job when she's there and you are busy with yours/ finishing for the day and going home. How would you have anything in common ?

Christ, can't cleaners have friends at work? What on earth do you mean by that?

Beautiful3 · 05/03/2024 10:52

Seems strange for your friend to be so offended?! You did nothing wrong, at all. Just ignore it and perhaps change the cleaner, if she's still ignoring you after a few months.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 11:00

Lovelycupofcoffee · 04/03/2024 21:19

I can’t lie to save my life and always prefer to be honest .I did tell her in person as I felt a mail / message was not the best way forward. Her reaction this morning now makes me think I could gave handled the situation a lot better.

Oh you absolutely could!

White lies are sometimes good manners. Why cause unnecessary hurt?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 11:01

Shitlord · 05/03/2024 10:43

Christ, can't cleaners have friends at work? What on earth do you mean by that?

Show quote history

That there would be little time for their paths to cross in most workplaces?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 11:01

Beautiful3 · 05/03/2024 10:52

Seems strange for your friend to be so offended?! You did nothing wrong, at all. Just ignore it and perhaps change the cleaner, if she's still ignoring you after a few months.

She was way too blunt!

So it was obvious she didn't like the friends

KreedKafer · 05/03/2024 11:08

YANBU not to want to go on holiday with people you don't think you'll get along with.

YABU about pretty much everything else, though. It was weird to agree to go on holiday with people you didn't know in the first place, it's weird that you don't care if someone you apparently liked enough to go on holiday with in the first place never speaks to you again, and it's weird that you couldn't find a nicer way of saying you'd changed your mind about going.

It absolutely sounds as if you just fancied a holiday, latched on to your friend's trip, realised you were going to be massively out of place because you didn't know anyone, and then were then really rude about it.

Shitlord · 05/03/2024 11:15

OP if you prefer to tell the unvarnished truth in all circumstances that's your choice but you then face the consequences when people find it abrasive. Most people at least in British culture with those they don't know well generally favour tact in these sorts of situations. That is loosely to say not making it about the other party. How's your Dutch?

I would've suggested saying it was too much of a financial stretch. It's not a lie. You didn't want to spend money on a holiday with this group. The others didn't really know you so wouldn't have questioned it or made it awkward re offering to pay.

It's sorted now anyway

KreedKafer · 05/03/2024 11:25

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2024 11:01

That there would be little time for their paths to cross in most workplaces?

Show quote history

The OP doesn't say how they met, so it's possible they met elsewhere before they ended up working for the same company?

However, there are cleaners in my building all day, not just in the evening, and there are some teams who are in pretty much constant contact with them. (I'm not, but I at least know them well enough to chat to, much I like I know the people who work in accounts or data analysis or HR or whatever, ie I don't work super closely with them but I see quite a bit of them and we know each other's names and our paths cross at work events.)

TheIceQween · 05/03/2024 11:33

I commend your honesty. Imagine telling a lie about why you didn’t want to go this time, and then the same group of friends arranging something in the near future that you didn’t want to attend either. This is how a lie would snowball as you’d need to lie again and again to keep yourself from rubbing shoulders with people you aren’t keen on. I don’t see the issue