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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To politely decline this week away

141 replies

Lovelycupofcoffee · 18/02/2024 19:36

So five of us have decided to go a cheap week away in April. I only know one of the people going and she’s lovely. I met 2 more this weekend. They are so not my type of people and it sounds awful but I really don’t want to spend a week with them . Am I being really horrible to decline the week away ? The conversation was really strained and it just felt like we have nothing in common.

OP posts:
sandrapinchedmysandwich · 04/03/2024 21:31

LeroyJenkinssss · 04/03/2024 21:24

Ya think?! I mean there’s no way you weren’t judging her friends and that’s a pretty brutal way of telling her you weren’t going.

as an aside, I hate when people excuse their rudeness by saying that they prefer saying the truth. Nope you don’t get to bypass social niceties. Her reaction is perfectly in keeping with your explanation.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. In my experience people who say they are just being honest, are often downright thoughtless and rude.

chrisfromcardiff · 04/03/2024 21:35

Lovelycupofcoffee · 04/03/2024 20:54

@Autienotnautie i was very honest and said I just said I felt that they weren’t my type of people and I didn’t want to ruin her holiday . No one lost any money .

Oh dear. That could have been phrased better. Well, the deed is done. Let her ignore you if she wants to. Don't engage with her. Just do your job and allow yourself the relief of knowing you don't have to go on a trip with people you don't really care for.

shoppingshamed · 04/03/2024 21:58

Oh dear, that's a tricky one to put any positive spin on, if you're in a similar situation in the future ask for advice on how to word things

No ones taking not my type of person as a positive judgement

splatmouse · 04/03/2024 22:19

Well, what you asked originally was "Am I being unreasonable to politely decline this week away?" and 100% of the 56 people who answered your question said "no". And you wouldn't have been unreasonable to politely decline. To politely decline.

redfacebigdisgrace · 04/03/2024 22:46

Eek OP, bit of a shocker 🫣

MsMcGonagall · 04/03/2024 22:57

Don't worry OP, I actually commend you for being honest. So often on here people are advised to be honest, "use their words", speak up, be assertive, have boundaries. You have successfully extracted yourself from the trip. And you gave the real reason, so they don't have to second guess or wonder what you're hiding.

If she ever does speak to you again you could always explain "it's not them its me" style. But I'd just leave it now. Let her have her huff.

NewName24 · 04/03/2024 23:04

The other woman isn't odd, and her reaction isn't over the top.
You were rude.
You were judging her friends.
I mean, as everyone said when you first posted, it was probably wise to not go (as long as you weren't leaving anyone in the lurch or out of pocket) but you could have thought more carefully about the way you said you no longer wanted to go.
So it is you that is in the wrong here, not the other lady, who is absolutely justified in her reaction.

ScierraDoll · 04/03/2024 23:08

You did the right thing. Life's too short and even a cheap week away is too expensive to spend it with people you are not comfortable with.
It might have cost you your friendship that tbh that's a small price to pay, perhaps you could have handled your reason for not going more diplomatically but that's water under the bridge now

saraclara · 04/03/2024 23:24

Lovelycupofcoffee · 04/03/2024 20:54

@Autienotnautie i was very honest and said I just said I felt that they weren’t my type of people and I didn’t want to ruin her holiday . No one lost any money .

Jeeze. No wonder she thinks you're judgy (and you were).

I can't believe that you actually said that.
Are you Dutch or German or something? *

*My German and Dutch friends can't help but be absolutely straight and honest! We've all learned to laugh about it, them included, now. But it still takes me aback sometimes.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/03/2024 23:25

Obviously you lie and say you’ve realised you can’t afford it or there’s a family event that’s come up, or anything but that you don’t like her friends. Or even worse “not my type of people” - it couldn’t be more snobbish and judgey.

Gunnersmanager · 04/03/2024 23:41

Omg 😳

Ladyluckinred · 04/03/2024 23:57

I don’t think what OP said is bad at all, it’s the truth. I have groups of friends that don’t mix with my other groups of friends (apart from my birthday). They’ve never hidden that the other groups are ‘not their type of people’. I’ve never taken offence because I understand, of course, not everyone is going to get along with everyone.

OP, if you made up a lie, there’s a chance it could have come out that you made something up eventually. I’m sure your friend will cool off and it’s okay that she’s upset. You have the right to tell the truth and she has the right not to like it. And life will move on…

ToWhitToWhoo · 05/03/2024 00:01

I don't think you were U to cancel, but it would have been more polite to say that you had realized that you couldn't spare the time/ money/ something had unexpectedly come up (which it had- her bringing her friends- but you didn't need to say it was that), rather than say that her friends weren't 'your type'. I wonder whether you are in a somewhat more senior position at the company than she is, in which case I could understand her thinking you were being snobby. Even if not, it wasn't the best way of putting it.

Lurkingandlearning · 05/03/2024 03:09

Honesty is usually good, sometimes diplomacy is better. But it doesn’t sound as though you and your colleague were great friends so you’ve not lost much. Just be cordial.

I don’t really understand how judging people has become a fault. We judge people all the time, that is how we know if we like them. When we do like them it seems it was ok to judge them. Not liking someone is ok too. No one likes every single person they meet.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 05/03/2024 03:41

With her reaction, no loss. But try to practise some diplomacy and it is better to make up a relative recovering from illness or surgery needing you to help at night, than to offend somebody else.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 05/03/2024 03:42

Don't think of it as a lie think of it as protecting somebody's feelings.

Josette77 · 05/03/2024 04:01

You said to her face that you didn't like her friends???

Surely you realize this was rude?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 05/03/2024 04:20

I think they've dodged a massive bullet!

Who goes on holiday with people they've never met, organised by someone you couldn't care if you never spoke to again. Bizarre.

HonorGold · 05/03/2024 04:34

It’s done now, so forget about it (let’s not be too hard on the OP, she already said she was having a rough time).

However, for future OP, you can still be diplomatic without lying (I can’t lie either). You can just tell a different versions of the truth. Such as “I’m so sorry I’ve changed my mind. I thought I could go away with people I don’t really know, but actually, I’m not in the place to do so”.

Commonhousewitch · 05/03/2024 04:40

what does "not my kind of people" mean ?
she is entitled to think that you were being snobby potentially or judgemental on other factors - if you were going to be honest you need to possibly be clearer - ie they were a lot more extrovert than me

HelplessSoul · 05/03/2024 04:40

Lovelycupofcoffee · 04/03/2024 20:03

So the situation has now gone downhill . The lady who organised the holiday is also the cleaner at our company. Since cancelling the week away she has ignored me so this morning I asked her politely if she’s annoyed with me . She said she feels I was judging her friends (I wasn’t ) and she no longer has any interest in anything I have to say . Is this a bit over the top ? It really doesn’t bother me if we never speak again but I just felt her reaction was a bit odd ?

So, she no longer has any interest in anything that you say?

Great!

Tell her to fuck off with her childish response and start ignoring her back. Doesnt sound a like a friend to me.

She does however sound like a spoiled, stupid cunt. I'd say you are well rid of her frankly. Fuck her off and ignore her.

puzzledout · 05/03/2024 05:23

S*o, she no longer has any interest in anything that you say?

Great!

Tell her to fuck off with her childish response and start ignoring her back. Doesnt sound a like a friend to me.

She does however sound like a spoiled, stupid cunt. I'd say you are well rid of her frankly. Fuck her off and ignore her.*

Crikey! That's a reaction Grin.! OP the friendship is over, you're not bothered so leave it.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 05/03/2024 05:31

That was really rude and she's someone you'll likely see often at work. How do you get through life without occasional white lies to smooth things over.

Gophering · 05/03/2024 05:55

Agreeing that was rude! Although the friends are possibly relieved as I imagine you weren’t their type of person either.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 05/03/2024 05:58

Yes you were rude and judgy and I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to speak to you again

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