To think it’s pushy to demand all my holiday information?

[BelleBoyd]

I’m in my mid fifties and my elderly mother has been demanding all my holiday information daily. Just gone away for a long weekend to France and have told her when I’m back and where I’m staying. Sent photos and messages. Only away 3 days. But she has been messaging daily asking for hotel address and flight numbers. Just think it’s a bit much. Have sent her it all now but I feel uneasy about it..

If I was going to share this information for safety reasons I would share it with my brother. Not an elderly anxious mother. What good is that in an emergency?

This this this. Don’t feed the monster.

My mother in law is like this - the more you give her the more dependent she gets on knowing every detail.

kind and firm ‘I’ll let you know when I arrive - and I promise I’ll be in touch if I need help. You have my mobile number if you need to get in touch’

You have to "look it all up"? Surely you have all this to hand on your phone. There must be some back story to this for you to resent it so much, create a post about it and moan about it eating into your holiday. She's old and anxious and you are old enough to behave better. It's ridiculous that you post about it. Do it or don't do it, it's really not an issue either way.

Is it really normal?

DH and I are both of the pre mobile phone generation and it wouldn't occur to us to give our mothers any details. That stopped after our first independent breaks age 18 in the days where you turned up in a city and then found accommodation rather than having everything pre-booked.

Generally with anxiety the more information you give, the more information the anxious person thinks they need and it just spirals.

I have a relative like that too.
if I gave my hotel details they would call the hotel if I didn't answer any text within a couple of minutes.
for my mental health (and probably theirs) I had to go low contact and not tell much at all.
and only post photos on sm after return.

My in laws always give us this info. Their entire itinerary usually and call through our their holiday.

My parents, on the other hand, not a sausage. All we ever knew usually was the destination. They weren't being secretive just very much out of sight, out of mind as far as they were concerned.

Because it's driven by nosiness and a need to have something to fret over. Not being at the airport 3 hours before a 35 minute domestic flight from a tiny airport is not a genuine worry for anybody.

One of my friends had a mum like that who wanted to know the flight and hotel details.
Imagine her horror when not only did she bump into her parents at the departures, but was also told they were staying in the same hotel for the duration of the holiday.
She told her mum zilch after that.

No not normal , no one in my family does this . My older teen children are beginning to travel and they have never done this .

Messaging everyday is bizarre .

Sounds very controlling and exhausting. I'd start to cut back on the daily messages .

My parents were lovely people but they would often ask where I was going when on holiday and want flight / accommodation details. Then in the unlikely event of a plane crash, hotel fire etc they would immediately know if I could be involved or not (their never was but it would calm their anxieties to have the info).

Also if something happened to them they could get a message to me. Yes mobile phones make this completely not the best way to get hold of someone but in case you don't have roaming on as it costs a lot or your phone is locked in a hotel room safe while you are at the beach it could still be the fastest way to contact someone.

I'd give the wrong info

So if OP disappears, they know where to start looking.

DM used to ask for this when I was travelling alone, before I met DH. She’s been more than happy to hand that responsibility over to DH now though (he isn’t bothered).

I always did that with my mum too, and my daughter usually gives me her flight numbers if she's flying. It goes back to my very first trip overseas without my parents when I was 17, so that they would be able to know easily that I hadn't been involved if there was a plane crash or others disaster.

In some families it is normal to share information. On my side it is normal, whereas it is not a thing on DH’s side of the family.

My elderly neighbours have even been known to give us holiday details. I have a key and water plants and keep an eye on the house whilst they are away.

Information is for emergency contact only and not for nosiness or constant contact

If op disappears, the hotel won't be able to give out any info to op's dm. Because op is an adult and may have "disappeared" deliberately ie gone no-contact with her mum.

No it’s not normal. She has your phone number if she needs to contact you.

or your phone is locked in a hotel room safe while you are at the beach it could still be the fastest way to contact someone.

Who from the hotel is going to walk down the beach calling your name because your Mum's on the phone, do you think? 🤔

It's the wider pattern of behaviour which is potentially an issue.

The sharing of flight details etc. in itself is not particularly weird. For many families it's routine to leave that sort of info with a family member.

So the police know where to start looking, instead of having to get a warrant to hack into OP’s gmail, or booking.com account. The hotel will be able to tell the police if OP has checked out or not, and may have CCTV.

The flight number is to see if the plane has crashed.

I know this is highly unlikely to ever be necessary, and I don’t do it myself, but that’s why people want the information.

When I travel abroad for work I give my travel info to my DH, and when we travel as a family do give this type of info to my DM. We might send her a postcard or text a couple of pics if we remember, but definitely not daily texts for a long weekend - we're on holiday!

But then we do ask the DC to "text us when you're back at your flat" when they return to Uni after a weekend visit - I'm sure it drives them bonkers!

Yeah it's sensible.

My parents (75) wanted it when I go abroad. They also track my flights via something and can see when we did an attempted landing then went quickly back up last time!

It's a fairly easy thing to provide so I do it. And sensible for someone to have it too.

It depends on your relationship.

I always forward confirmation emails to my mum and DC and vice versa. In the past I would write it all down.

It has always been the norm for us. Most of the time we don't look at it at all, but it is there if needed.

My mum is about the same age as yours.
I usually tell something like next weekend we are going to Ibiza for about a week. I wouldn’t say time of flights and exact place. Then I txt/ call that we arrived safely and send some photos once in a few days. Then I call straight away when we arrived home. I always followed this pattern and it was ok.
However I always travel with my DH. Are you traveling alone? If yes, maybe it makes your mum more anxious.
Also my mum is not in UK so generally she doesn’t know many details about my life, distance makes our communication more vague. My sibling lives near her - mum is much more involved in their lives. if you are the only child I can imagine focus on you is much heavier.

I always used to give my mum details of where I was staying etc. Nowadays I tend to just email my sister with all the booking details, hotel etc.

@wubwubwub The reason we do it so they know where you are in case of an emergency. I guess it predates when we all had mobile phones and it wasn’t so easy to get hold of one another.

And thinking about it, I have no kids.

Someday I will no one to send my flight details to and no one to text me to say "you've landed hope you had a safe flight" and that's quite sad. 😢 my sister won't care!