To think it’s pushy to demand all my holiday information?

[BelleBoyd]

I’m in my mid fifties and my elderly mother has been demanding all my holiday information daily. Just gone away for a long weekend to France and have told her when I’m back and where I’m staying. Sent photos and messages. Only away 3 days. But she has been messaging daily asking for hotel address and flight numbers. Just think it’s a bit much. Have sent her it all now but I feel uneasy about it..

Well, in extremis they would know we were on a crashed flight, or not.

They can't necessarily do anything otherwise, but they like it and it is no problem to us at all. I'm normally writing the info out for ourselves anyway.

I think this is a generational thing. I always provide my mum with the same details to stop her fretting too

Yanbu OP this is very odd. My own dm has a lot of anxiety but she wouldn't ask for this.

If she needs me, she can call me or my dh - why does it matter which flight I'm on or which hotel I'm in?

At most I might text her just before I get on a flight to say - I won't be able to text back for the next 6h or whatever.

Needing the hotel address just doesn't make sense in the days of mobile phones.

Why are you uneasy, do you think she is going to turn up to surprise you? 😱
Sharing details is just someone everyone used to do. My mum and grandmother always share details, as my grandmother isn't good particularly on her ipad.

My dad always asks for this stuff. I don’t mind at all I think it’s sweet. Totally get that wider things going on in the relationship would impact how it feels though.

It was always standard information that I'd leave with my adult daughters. More recently I don't always book my accommodation in advance as I backpack and move around, but I message them and send the occasional photo.

I think that having the flight numbers and accommodation is a reasonable security blanket so that she knows you can be reached in an emergency/knows that you're safety there/home. You don't have to be a highly anxious person to appreciate having that info.

In what sort of emergency would op be contactable at her hotel but not on her own mobile phone?

If she has such a serious accident that she can't answer a text (god forbid) then she'd be in a hospital, not in her hotel. And in any case op's dm could contact her travelling companion first if applicable.

So why is the hotel address useful?

It used to be useful in the days before mobile phones, I grant you.

We always used to share this information with my parents (and vice versa if they were the ones travelling). DS gave us his flight details last year when he went in his post A-levels holiday with his mates

In these days of gdpr the hotel concierge wouldn't even be able to give out info to op's dm. So even if op was uncontactable on her phone (serious accident etc) then the hotel address would be no use. They wouldn't be able to tell her which hospital op had been sent to (even if they knew).

It's useless info. Op, explain this to your mum...!

This was pretty normal years ago, I can remember my grandparents coming around with the "important" documents eg wills and a piece of paper with flights, hotel name telephone number and tour operator before trips, and my mum always tells me which airline, dates and tour operator though of course they have mobile phones so nothing more needed, always tell her at least dates and location, the tour operator if it's a package. I find it odd not to let someone know!

To me it’s a perfectly sensible thing to do. Plus I enjoy tracking planes on apps! Mobile phones are not the answer to everything. In the (hopefully unlikely) event of any problems abroad and issues with the mobile network, I would like to be able to be able to report where my family were and what flights they were due on rather than “I’m not sure exactly where they are are or which flights they were due back on.” For a matter of a minutes work it just makes sense. Hopefully will never need that info, but at least it’s there if it is.

My Mum also always wants to know what time we fly and it's out of nothing more than so she can work backwards by her own standards and start asking if we've checked in / have we gone through security / are we on our way to the airport hours ahead.

I don't appreciate or need that level of faux concern when we're enjoying the last of our trip, or travelling to the airport or I'm in a meeting (I also travel for business) so I just don't tell her anymore.

Many years ago, my sister was on holiday when my grandfather became very ill. We could not get hold of her (before mobile phones existed) as we didn’t have the details of where she was. I picked her up from the airport and had to tell her he’d died the day before. She was devastated.
My DDs send me their flight and hotel details whenever they go away and vice versa. It’s reassuring.

Thinking about it, my DD's always tell me their flight number's too and I plagued with WhatsApps daily full of photos. I think it's odd not to share

We just let FIL know we've safely landed, and occasionally send a nice photo

My adult DC always tell me where they are staying, flight details etc. I don’t ask for it, but it just seems normal.

However, no way would I ever provide this information to my own mother who is a controlling narcissist.

So I wonder if this is a symptom of a much wider/deeper issue that needs addressing? Otherwise I don’t see why this would bother you so much.

I never saw it as important to give out all the information, I’m 38 now, but mum has always asked DB and me for travel info, but both ny parents was in a car crash a few years ago and since then I’ve asked her for all in for when she goes away too. I’ve even installed a ring camera so I know when they have arrived home so I don’t have to worry about them. I don’t know if your mum is controlling or just worried, big difference though

Just simply don't play along. A simple 'I'm not letting your anxiety become mine with these unnecessary need to know requests you've making. See you when I'm back'. Stop letting this woman have any input, in your mid fifties it sounds like you've been conditioned to think her behaviour is normal. It isn't.

I have to do this with my mum. As soon as I book anything now I just make a note of travel details, hotel etc and let her know the room number once I get there.

She's not the sort to just turn up somewhere, it makes her feel better having that info and it doesn't hurt me.

Small back story where she had to call around hotels trying to find me once. Obviously they can't give out information about guests so it caused a lot of unnecessary stress.

Too much. Mine would do this so she could ring the hotel if i ignored her calls. Tell me the hotel is too expensive. Ring my home the minute she expected me home.

I don't appreciate or need that level of faux concern when we're enjoying the last of our trip, or travelling to the airport or I'm in a meeting

But presumably there is a back story here as to why you think your mother’s concern is faux. Why do you think she texts you?

My ACs always give me flight and hotel info, as I do them if I go away.

Seems pretty normal.😗

I have never sent flight details to anyone.

I could see that a young person on their first trip alone might want to do that, but someone in their fifties? Completely unnecessary.

Feeding the anxiety doesn’t make it go away, far from it.

These are the only things that op's dm could do with the info - especially the hotel address, it's no use at all in an emergency.

Only useful to indulge nosiness/unwanted criticism

It's what people used to have to do pre-internet and mobile phone era. Always give hotel, flight numbers so you were contactable in emergencies.

She's reverting to old-fashioned ways to keep you safe in her mind. Irritating but it's an act of love. You know them anyway, so just send them to her next time.