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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I deserve to miss pancake day?

138 replies

ForPoliteJoker · 17/02/2024 22:14

Wanting to get some opinions on a situation that happened this week.
I had to go away to work on Monday & Tuesday. Really long days and fairly stressful job. However I had to leave my DP at home with our 6 children - which I fully accept is just as (if not more) stressful!

Importantly for this situation Tuesday was Pancake Day and pancakes are my absolute FAVOURITE.

On the Tuesday night I arrived back to my usual place of work in the evening and my DP was also there, along with 2 of our kids and my mum (we run a family business together). Ideally I was supposed to be going home at the same time as my DP but my mum was really stressed out when I arrived - nearly in tears, so I offered to stay and help her out. One of our daughters asked to stay with me as she had missed me - which I checked with my DP and we both agreed she can stay with me whilst DP would take the other child home and leave work.

My DPs point of view is I arrived back from being away and after hugging the kids and my mum I didn’t hug my DP and didn’t seem like I had missed them. From my point of view I hugged the kids and then my mum and realised how stressed she was which then became my focus - however I acknowledge that generally I am not affectionate enough and this is something that my DP needs, and I need to do better at.

Meanwhile another person at work had some pancakes and I asked if I could have one - it was fairly late into the evening by then and I had not seen a pancake all day. I was pretty delighted that I was still getting a pancake despite having to stay at work!

When I got home my DP was less than excited to see me and I could sense that I had done something to upset them. We went to bed on a bit of an atmosphere. The next day we had a chat and DP explained being upset I hadn’t given them a hug and didn’t seem to have missed her at all. I apologised and we cleared the air and all was fine.

As it turns out DP had planned to do pancakes when I got home from work and had prepared chocolate and strawberry’s etc. However when I chose to eat the other persons pancake and stay at work DP decided to go ahead and eat all the pancakes with the children at home, clear away and not celebrate Pancake day with me at all. When I got home there was not a trace of pancake paraphernalia to be seen.

AIBU to feel that DP had an over reaction and that having gone to the effort to prepare pancake day celebrations knowing how much I love them it was a little hurtful to them exclude me from them (even if I didn’t know it had been planned originally)

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 18/02/2024 08:43

YABU to make such a fuss over pancakes. You can have them when it is not Pancake Day, you know.

However DP sounds childish.

Missingmyusername · 18/02/2024 08:43

🤣🤣🤣 This cannot be real!

Trulyme · 18/02/2024 08:52

There are some serious issues in your relationship and making lighthearted fun at it, isn’t actually helping the situation.

You and your DP need to work on communicating better, at the very least.

You were of course being ridiculous to be so upset over a pancake (that you can have any day) and I understand why your DP felt upset at being blanked but it’s irrelevant because this isn’t about pancakes.

Blueuggboots · 18/02/2024 09:08

You do know you can make pancakes on any day you fancy don't you??

BronwenTheBrave · 18/02/2024 09:11

Time to move on. You deserve so much better than this. See a solicitor NOW!

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 18/02/2024 09:16

I'd be bloody fuming, nothing comes between me and my pancake day. It's my favourite food day of the year 😭🤣🤣🤣

shoppingshamed · 18/02/2024 09:20

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 18/02/2024 09:16

I'd be bloody fuming, nothing comes between me and my pancake day. It's my favourite food day of the year 😭🤣🤣🤣

Why dont you have them on other days f you ike them so much?

Picklestop · 18/02/2024 09:23

Your partner sounds a bit childish about the hugging and missing her stuff after one day! But you are being childish about pancakes. You decided to have pancakes with a colleague at work, your partner decided to have pancakes at home with the children and cleared up after themselves. 🤷‍♀️

AinsleyHayes · 18/02/2024 09:24

Thanks for all the replies. Clearly the light hearted nature of this thread did not come across 😂

There is nothing light-hearted in your OP. EIGHT paragraphs about pancakes does not connote levity.

It sounds like you have plenty of potential stressors in your life without inventing new ones. The drama sounds exhausting.

Bs0u416d · 18/02/2024 09:25

Oh my god I can't get worked up over his one single bit.

ThanksItHasPockets · 18/02/2024 09:26

You could have made yourself pancakes for breakfast in the time it took you to write that saga.

GinaB8 · 18/02/2024 09:35

Picklestop · 18/02/2024 09:23

Your partner sounds a bit childish about the hugging and missing her stuff after one day! But you are being childish about pancakes. You decided to have pancakes with a colleague at work, your partner decided to have pancakes at home with the children and cleared up after themselves. 🤷‍♀️

Totally agree. While I think she was bang out of order to have a tantrum over a hug though I do wonder if her annoyance is because she’s often left with six kids because of work? I’ve definitely felt a bit moody and perhaps blown something out of proportion unfairly when DH was working ridiculous hours and missing bath and bed time a lot. So definitely a conversation needed about a few issues.

JaneAustensHeroine · 18/02/2024 09:35

Bizarre. It’s not light-hearted or amusing at all. It’s childlike.

Livelovebehappy · 18/02/2024 09:38

It’s all making a mountain out of a molehill stuff…..

Sophist · 18/02/2024 09:41

I can’t really see this as light hearted at all. Either it’s just about pancakes (in which case you could have made some more in the time it took to write the post) or you’re actually upset about missing out on a fun family occasion, in which case you all need to learn to communicate better.

Did the child who asked to stay with you also miss out?

mumda · 18/02/2024 09:41

Is pancake code for something?

thetruthandthelie · 18/02/2024 09:46

Qwerty21 · 17/02/2024 22:23

How old are you both? 13?!

👍

Squidlette · 18/02/2024 10:00

There's a lot of drama here ... nothing really.

Dh has been known to get a bit huffy if he's been away for a few days and none of us fawn over him when he comes back. But that's because he fails to understand that we all function perfectly well whether he's here or not.

Woodyandbuzz1 · 18/02/2024 10:06

Squidlette · 18/02/2024 10:00

There's a lot of drama here ... nothing really.

Dh has been known to get a bit huffy if he's been away for a few days and none of us fawn over him when he comes back. But that's because he fails to understand that we all function perfectly well whether he's here or not.

It's probably more about affection and love, being missed in that sense, than you being able to cope with daily life when he's not there?

Trulyme · 18/02/2024 10:18

Sophist · 18/02/2024 09:41

I can’t really see this as light hearted at all. Either it’s just about pancakes (in which case you could have made some more in the time it took to write the post) or you’re actually upset about missing out on a fun family occasion, in which case you all need to learn to communicate better.

Did the child who asked to stay with you also miss out?

I agree.

I think OP said it was light hearted after some of the responses.

There are obviously much bigger issues here.

zingally · 18/02/2024 10:27

This all sounds really silly.

I think you're both over-worked and maybe under-appreciated.

I can see your DPs point of view. You didn't greet them, and then stayed late at work to prioritise being with your mum and socialising with colleagues. Their response being to clear away all the pancake stuff is silly and petty, but I can see why they did it.

But frankly, to me, the weirdest part of this post was why an adult is seemingly so obsessed with pancake day? Are you very Christian? If not, you know you can literally have pancakes any time you like? And supermarkets sell pre-made ones year round! Look in the chilled desserts section!

MermaidEyes · 18/02/2024 10:28

Thanks for all the replies. Clearly the light hearted nature of this thread did not come across 😂

Nice backpedaling there.

2024namechange · 18/02/2024 10:58

This whole situation is ridiculous imo

diddl · 18/02/2024 11:01

Surely you were the one who chose not to celebrate with them by staying at work?

Is having pancakes on pancake day ever a surprise?

If you're not affectionate enough for your partner I would have thought that that's quite a big incompatibility tbh.

That's who you are & they should be accepting of it imo.

If they think that you not showing affection means that you don't care then that is for them to deal with.

Sounds as if they "punished" you for not behaving how they wanted -even though that is not natural/easy for you.

EighteenBaldingStars · 18/02/2024 11:03

So...this op about you all finding everything so hurtful 😢, was...a joke? Um...unusual sense of humour you have there.

And yes you were for some reason concealing your dp's gender (unless they/she uses they/she pronouns).