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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I deserve to miss pancake day?

138 replies

ForPoliteJoker · 17/02/2024 22:14

Wanting to get some opinions on a situation that happened this week.
I had to go away to work on Monday & Tuesday. Really long days and fairly stressful job. However I had to leave my DP at home with our 6 children - which I fully accept is just as (if not more) stressful!

Importantly for this situation Tuesday was Pancake Day and pancakes are my absolute FAVOURITE.

On the Tuesday night I arrived back to my usual place of work in the evening and my DP was also there, along with 2 of our kids and my mum (we run a family business together). Ideally I was supposed to be going home at the same time as my DP but my mum was really stressed out when I arrived - nearly in tears, so I offered to stay and help her out. One of our daughters asked to stay with me as she had missed me - which I checked with my DP and we both agreed she can stay with me whilst DP would take the other child home and leave work.

My DPs point of view is I arrived back from being away and after hugging the kids and my mum I didn’t hug my DP and didn’t seem like I had missed them. From my point of view I hugged the kids and then my mum and realised how stressed she was which then became my focus - however I acknowledge that generally I am not affectionate enough and this is something that my DP needs, and I need to do better at.

Meanwhile another person at work had some pancakes and I asked if I could have one - it was fairly late into the evening by then and I had not seen a pancake all day. I was pretty delighted that I was still getting a pancake despite having to stay at work!

When I got home my DP was less than excited to see me and I could sense that I had done something to upset them. We went to bed on a bit of an atmosphere. The next day we had a chat and DP explained being upset I hadn’t given them a hug and didn’t seem to have missed her at all. I apologised and we cleared the air and all was fine.

As it turns out DP had planned to do pancakes when I got home from work and had prepared chocolate and strawberry’s etc. However when I chose to eat the other persons pancake and stay at work DP decided to go ahead and eat all the pancakes with the children at home, clear away and not celebrate Pancake day with me at all. When I got home there was not a trace of pancake paraphernalia to be seen.

AIBU to feel that DP had an over reaction and that having gone to the effort to prepare pancake day celebrations knowing how much I love them it was a little hurtful to them exclude me from them (even if I didn’t know it had been planned originally)

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 18/02/2024 07:25

you were both stressed so don’t let it brew and just do pancakes again today. You can never have too many pancakes.

BusyMummy001 · 18/02/2024 07:27

So, you expected your DH and kids to sit around and wait for you to arrive home late because you were eating pancakes with someone else, on pancake day?

Am sorry, but you must know you are being unreasonable? If it was that important to be home and take part, you should have left on time (or early)… and it’s ‘pancake day’ FFS not the end of times or even your birthday. There’s no reason you can’t have them with your kids on any other day of the year if you love them so much.

DH was totally reasonable to put the excitemnt and expectations of your kids first and crack on. Grow up.

Scalottia · 18/02/2024 07:27

Are you both 12?

Grow up and make your own pancakes.

6 children too. If this is real, I despair for our poor planet.

puzzledout · 18/02/2024 07:32

Scalottia · 18/02/2024 07:27

Are you both 12?

Grow up and make your own pancakes.

6 children too. If this is real, I despair for our poor planet.

You might want to read the OPs second post! Three were not made by them, they're adopted.

Everydayimhuffling · 18/02/2024 07:35

Unreasonable to expect them to wait for however long for you. Totally reasonable to have a second pancake day this weekend. I also love pancakes and Pancake Day, but we have pancakes about every second weekend as well. Pancakes are delicious. Eat more of them: it'll cheer you both up.

PP who think the OP concealed their relationship in some way: she is not to blame for your lack of reading comprehension and understanding that same sex relationships exist. And partner is a normal thing to call your partner of whatever gender. Don't be so daft.

user1492757084 · 18/02/2024 07:38

Your mistake was that you didn't touch base with your partner after two days and ask what your partner wished to do re Pancake Day.
You zoned into your mother's feelings, which is fine as long as you can also juggle your partner's as well.

Did you have to stay at work extra long?
Would your kids and partner have liked you eating with them, pancakes or not?

You are both over worked and need to focus on one another more often and certainly at the end of every day.
Six kids and a business (and a family business at that) means that you both have to purposefully put each other first. It will not just happen naturally, given that you are time poor.

Pancakes are a metaphor for every regular/drudgey family occasion. Family life and partner should excite you as much as a pancake. Demonstative behaviour towards them all is due and delighful.

Notlongtogo2 · 18/02/2024 07:44

I completely agree with the previous poster!

Maddy70 · 18/02/2024 07:48

Spirallingdownwards · 17/02/2024 22:21

You weren't home in time for pancakes with your kids. You could have made your own if you had wanted some.

This....

Dhoukd they all have hung around waiting for psncakes because you chose to stay later?
You're being selfish

IncompleteSenten · 18/02/2024 07:49

ForPoliteJoker · 18/02/2024 01:35

Thanks for all the replies. Clearly the light hearted nature of this thread did not come across 😂

I can confirm that I am in a same sex relationship - which apparently is relevant and not something I was trying to conceal in the original post.

We run a business together and raise 6 kids - of course we have more adult problems to deal with - this was a post to make light of the pancake conundrum! However it’s served it’s purpose as we’ve had a good laugh and really enjoyed reading the responses together - great bonding!

To answer other queries - 6 kids because DP has 3 from prior marriage, and 3 extra that we ended up emergency fostering and now have adopted them (all unplanned - so highly stressful couple of years!)

Mum was covering business for me whilst I was away so didn’t really feel it fair to leave her stressed out and on her own when I was home. She had covered all day, I felt like it would be taking advantage to then have her cover all evening when stressed just so I could have an early finish.

Thankfully the child that stayed with me did get a pancake!

It's relevant because if posters think you are a man, she is automatically in the right whereas if you're both women it's harder to decide. 😁

Glad you both got over it but you could just have got the stuff out and made yourself a pancake you know.

Also. Hug your partner more!

Abbimae · 18/02/2024 07:52

Most bizarre thread. You are upset over a pancake? Are you 5?

JaneAustensHeroine · 18/02/2024 07:52

Your DP could have said “We are going home to make pancakes. Come now if you want some!” Equally, if pancakes are that important to you then you could have arranged not to be working that day and spent the day doing pancake-related activities.

However, you had your pancake so you didn’t ‘miss out’. Were you expecting your DP and children to go without because you weren’t there?

Everyone sounds rather needy in this scenario. You can celebrate pancake day any time.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 18/02/2024 07:57

The word 'pancakes' has appeared so many times it's making my eyes go funny. 😵‍💫🥞

Ladybrrrd · 18/02/2024 07:57

I simply must have a pancake now

nighttimeforgenerals88 · 18/02/2024 08:00

Your DP is BU as she failed to mention the pancakes at home scenario.

Thulpelly · 18/02/2024 08:01

I know it’s not the point of your post but you can literally eat pancakes any day of the year.

Your DP overreacted but she’s probably a bit stressed.

Maxus · 18/02/2024 08:01

Hug your partner. My son's have been making pancakes since they where 10 years old. Milk, flour and eggs. Takes less than 10 minutes to make a batch. Just make yourself some.

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/02/2024 08:10

MermaidEyes · 17/02/2024 22:20

Not really the point of your post, but if you love pancakes so much why wait for one day of the year to eat them?

This. You can eat pancakes whenever you want. I didn't make any this year on Shrove Tuesday because I was on my own and couldn't eat a while batch but I'll eat them another time.

BertieBotts · 18/02/2024 08:13

Sparklfairy · 18/02/2024 06:36

So, knowing pancakes are your absolute favourite, DP reacted with spite and excluded you from pancakes because she didn't get a hug?

That's insane. It's such an extreme reaction. Does she do other things like this for some minor slight? It's totally understandable that when you hugged your mum and saw how stressed she was, your focus was distracted. I would do the same!

If this is a one off, then DP probably missed you a lot, felt hurt and decided to be petty. But seriously, if she does this kind of thing regularly, I'd be very careful. Because that would mean she's pushing herself to make sure she's front and centre of your mind at all times - so next time, you'd think, 'Oh, better not upset DP, better give her a hug first so she doesn't get annoyed with me!' That's no way to live.

This. Even though the other stuff is a bit bizarre, the detail that stood out to me is OP's partner punishing her because she didn't get physical affection.

Maybe I'm projecting my own personal experience here but big big red flag for me.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 18/02/2024 08:16

Are you actually a practising Christian? Do you give up certain foods for Lent?
(and therefore pancakes on Shrove Tuesday has some genuine religious significance for you)

Or do you just like eating pancakes? In which case, you can create a pancake-eating event on any date of the year.... A very weird thing to complain about...

CarpetSlipper · 18/02/2024 08:26

You wanted to have your pancake and eat it.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/02/2024 08:29

LyndaSnellsSniff · 18/02/2024 07:57

The word 'pancakes' has appeared so many times it's making my eyes go funny. 😵‍💫🥞

It doesn't even seem like a word now...
Pan-cakes..

GinaB8 · 18/02/2024 08:38

Bloody hell, I’ve had to remind myself we’re talking about a pancake: dirt cheap to buy and piss easy to make - every day of the year if you wish. Even with some chopped strawberries and melted chocolate or Nutella or whatever.

Might your partner had had a long day looking after six kids and just going through the motions of the day and decided to tidy/clean up almost without thinking and on autopilot? I think I might have done this and not given any kind of special thought to it being Shrove Tuesday because of what I said above - they can be made any other day! (I enjoy them too.) I also wondered how often they’re left with all six kids which is definitely more stressful than working, I’d say! Btw, there were just two of us growing up and not a chance a pancake would be going spare in the fridge, let alone with six kids.

I’d say you both need to grow up. Next year, just let her know you absolutely want one left in the fridge and nobody is to eat it if she’s left to do it with all the kids.

GinaB8 · 18/02/2024 08:39

Forgot to say an important point: you need to talk about how toddlerlike unreasonable it is for her to have a tantrum for not having a hug.

Workhardcryharder · 18/02/2024 08:40

You wanted her and the kids to all want her for pancake emperor to come home before they could eat their pancakes?

sounds like you are both overreacting

Sothisiit · 18/02/2024 08:42

You're getting too focused on this. You both had your reasons for feeling put out and now you know why and how to resolve this.
You can eat pancakes on days other than Shrove Tuesday.
Tell your OH " I'd really love if you could make pancakes for the two of us one evening, and promise to make a fuss of him too!"
That way you move the situation on, receive what you missed and are both happy again.
Life's too short to dwell on this stuff, just be open, honest and accommodating to each other.