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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I deserve to miss pancake day?

138 replies

ForPoliteJoker · 17/02/2024 22:14

Wanting to get some opinions on a situation that happened this week.
I had to go away to work on Monday & Tuesday. Really long days and fairly stressful job. However I had to leave my DP at home with our 6 children - which I fully accept is just as (if not more) stressful!

Importantly for this situation Tuesday was Pancake Day and pancakes are my absolute FAVOURITE.

On the Tuesday night I arrived back to my usual place of work in the evening and my DP was also there, along with 2 of our kids and my mum (we run a family business together). Ideally I was supposed to be going home at the same time as my DP but my mum was really stressed out when I arrived - nearly in tears, so I offered to stay and help her out. One of our daughters asked to stay with me as she had missed me - which I checked with my DP and we both agreed she can stay with me whilst DP would take the other child home and leave work.

My DPs point of view is I arrived back from being away and after hugging the kids and my mum I didn’t hug my DP and didn’t seem like I had missed them. From my point of view I hugged the kids and then my mum and realised how stressed she was which then became my focus - however I acknowledge that generally I am not affectionate enough and this is something that my DP needs, and I need to do better at.

Meanwhile another person at work had some pancakes and I asked if I could have one - it was fairly late into the evening by then and I had not seen a pancake all day. I was pretty delighted that I was still getting a pancake despite having to stay at work!

When I got home my DP was less than excited to see me and I could sense that I had done something to upset them. We went to bed on a bit of an atmosphere. The next day we had a chat and DP explained being upset I hadn’t given them a hug and didn’t seem to have missed her at all. I apologised and we cleared the air and all was fine.

As it turns out DP had planned to do pancakes when I got home from work and had prepared chocolate and strawberry’s etc. However when I chose to eat the other persons pancake and stay at work DP decided to go ahead and eat all the pancakes with the children at home, clear away and not celebrate Pancake day with me at all. When I got home there was not a trace of pancake paraphernalia to be seen.

AIBU to feel that DP had an over reaction and that having gone to the effort to prepare pancake day celebrations knowing how much I love them it was a little hurtful to them exclude me from them (even if I didn’t know it had been planned originally)

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 17/02/2024 22:36

We don’t have pancakes on pancake day, we regularly have them on weekend mornings I strongly suggest you do the same!

Crikeyalmighty · 17/02/2024 22:37

I confess I went to bills at breakfast that day for gluten free bottomless pancakes (with strawberries and cream) - £7.50 - a complete bargain- I did only have the initial stack of 3 !

Greenstorm · 17/02/2024 22:37

I feel like I have lost thinking power after reading this post

TotalDramarama24 · 17/02/2024 22:38

@Wictc in amongst all the "DPs" and the "they"s in an inexplicable attempt to cover up the same sex relationship the OP missed an errant "her" in the sixth paragraph.

Wafflethewonderdoggy · 17/02/2024 22:38

6 children? 6?
is it a blended family? That’s a lot of kids

TempleOfBloom · 17/02/2024 22:39

So your partner had Pancake Day all prepared but you got involved in your Mum being stressed, stayed late at work and ate pancakes with someone else.

How long, how late was she supposed so wait for you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2024 22:39

Eat pancakes more often. And hug your partner more often. She’s told you it’s an issue, listen to her.

Christmaslights21 · 17/02/2024 22:40

You both sound immature.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/02/2024 22:40

Oh dear Mummy's Boy didn't get pancakes at home coz he was late home and the home kitchen was now closed for the night.

You hugged your mother, and not even your DP !

You prioritised your Mother over your own family - you know the family you work for and live with.

So apologise to OP and take the whole family out tomorrow for pancakes if they are so important to you.

or at the very least get up early tomorrow, before all the children are up ! and go buy all the ingredients you need and be in the kitchen making pancakes for the family as they all come downstairs.

DodgeDog · 17/02/2024 22:41

It was fine for your DH to do pancakes with the kids, fine for you to stay at work and eat a pancake there, a good idea to all have pancakes tomorrow morning together. Everyday can be a pancake day, it’s not limited to shrove Tuesday.

Mumof2teens79 · 17/02/2024 22:41

You are both being pathetic.
It's pancakes, you were late, people needed to eat.
DP shouldn't be punishing you for being busy but I am not sure having pancakes without you is the hardship you seem to think it is.

TotHappy · 17/02/2024 22:42

She set pancake day up for you, and you decided to stay at work. She probably cried angry tears while shoving it all away later. You didn't prioritise her and the kids - maybe justifiably, depends what was going on with your mum, but sounds like she felt home and family was unimportant to you.

CatamaranViper · 17/02/2024 22:45

She's obviously feeling quite rejected by you. You go around hugging everyone else in the room but not her despite the fact you know how she feels about physical affection and your lack of it towards her. That would hurt. Then, you decide to stay at work late on such an important day (to you) and eat pancakes with colleagues instead of going home to your partner and 6 children (who you've also not seen for nearly 2 days at this point).

To summarise, if you want to join in pancake celebrations on pancake day, go home.

CatamaranViper · 17/02/2024 22:46

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/02/2024 22:40

Oh dear Mummy's Boy didn't get pancakes at home coz he was late home and the home kitchen was now closed for the night.

You hugged your mother, and not even your DP !

You prioritised your Mother over your own family - you know the family you work for and live with.

So apologise to OP and take the whole family out tomorrow for pancakes if they are so important to you.

or at the very least get up early tomorrow, before all the children are up ! and go buy all the ingredients you need and be in the kitchen making pancakes for the family as they all come downstairs.

If OP is female, I bet you would have commented differently.

NewName24 · 17/02/2024 22:49

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 17/02/2024 22:27

You prioritised your mum and spending time with coworkers over going home. You may feel that was justified by the situation with your mum but you can hardly complain that you then didn't get the nice stuff at home. I think it probably was really hurtful for your partner who had prepared a nice treat/celebration for you coming home when you decided, voluntarily to stay at work, and I can see why they didn't fancy having that celebration when you finally made it home.

This.

Like 89% of the poll at the moment, I think YABU

Allthingsdecember · 17/02/2024 22:49

It depends why your mum was stressed. Anything other than a complete catastrophe and I’d be really pissed off if my DH came back from working away, didn’t even great me properly, and chose to continue working instead of rushing home… and I only have two children. If I had been left with six I’d be ready to LTB.

FabFebHalfTerm · 17/02/2024 22:54

@ForPoliteJoker

what time did she & 1 child go home?

what time did you & 2nd child go home?

Why did you talk & arrange a mutually agreed time for pancake dinner?

Did it really need to take ages to sort your mum out or say, can we talk about this tomorrow? I told DP & the kids I'd be home for pancake night, they've missed me. ??

what's with the 'them' nonsense? Why not just say she? It's 2024.

have a pancake breakfast tomorrow!!

oh & yes, you need to up your affection!! And communication or you'll end up on your own & would you then regret your lack of communication & affection??

dimllaishebiaith · 17/02/2024 22:55

This all seems unnecessarily dramatic, and could have been resolved with a simple conversation

I was also away with work Monday and Tuesday this week, getting home late on Tuesday. So, given I also like pancakes, my DH and I had a simple conversation when planning the week to decide which night would be more convenient for us to have pancakes on. Like adults.

But given you had left her to look after 6 kids for two days and then instead of going home to do some parenting you decided to stay late at work instead, admittedly with one of the children, I feel like perhaps expecting someone to work around your schedule and do all the parenting is a little much. Perhaps she would have been happier if you told your mum you would solve her problems the next day and gone home on time so that the pancakes could be a family event that you could have helped with?

Do you always rely on your partner to be the one that creates the "magic" of holidays and special events?

Summerbay23 · 17/02/2024 23:10

Very dramatic. We had pancakes on the Wednesday (shock horror!) because DD and DH were busy on the Tuesday so decided to reschedule. It’s really not a big deal.

SpudleyLass · 17/02/2024 23:14

Honestly, your partner could have set aside a pancake or two.

You should have hugged her.

Doingmybest12 · 17/02/2024 23:17

Regardless of rights or wrongs I would of done the same as your partner.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/02/2024 23:17

Have pancakes when you want! Honestly I fail to see how this is a big thing.

Also - i say it every time - but the sex of the participants is always relevant. It gives a lot of info as to the person’s situation in life, how the couple may view each other, how society in general has viewed and conditioned them, the obstacles they may or may not face in life, the significance of hugging the mother (who for some reason wasn’t made “parent” in all of this) and not the partner etc

For this reason I intensely dislike a “they/ them” thread, or “partner 1/ partner 2”. It’s always relevant.

SwordToFlamethrower · 17/02/2024 23:17

You can eat pancakes 365 days a year if you want

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/02/2024 23:18

More importantly, did the dc who stayed at work with you get pancakes? That would seem worse if the answer is no than an adult not getting them.

letsstaylight · 17/02/2024 23:21

Hug your partner

Have pancakes whenever you want