the petition going round about dads in hospitals

[strawberryswizzler]

just me who is absolutely against this idea? i’ve had 2 c-sections. one emergency, one elective. could barely sit myself up to feed my baby nevermind walk properly etc, i felt so vulnerable. the thought of being in a 4 bed bay separated only by curtains with random men who could be anyone makes me feel ill. anyone else??

I had a stillbirth in 2021, and I needed my husband with me when our second daughter was born in 2023. I was terrified of being alone in case anything happened.

Well when I had my eldest 38 years ago there was a sign that said "Dads may visit at any time"
There were dads that were there all the time, but they never troubled me and hopefully mine didn't trouble anyone else either.

When DD1 was born DH was kicked off the ward at 9pm, not allowed back until 9am. When he left me and DD, I was sore, tired but generally in very good spirits. At 12 hours old DD had established herself as an easy baby so everything was going to be fine until DH got back.
At 9am on the dot he returned and I was a shell of a person. DD had waited 3 minutes after DH left before she woke up and did not stop screaming, or vomiting or pooing for the next 11 hours. Of course when DH returned she settled back 'down' for the day commencing the pattern she would follow for the next 3 weeks, so all he saw was his cherubic child and his absolutely broken wife. That night, despite it being my first night with my daughter and should have been the one of the greatest nights of my life, was without a doubt, the worst night of my entire life.
When I had DD2 DH made it absolutely clear that he would not be leaving us in hospital again and that even if it meant discharging us both and the promise to return us in the morning, he was absolutely adamant that the wife he came back to that morning, he would never see again. Luckily we had a very straightforward home birth second time around and it wasn't necessary at all, but I believe him that he would not have gone quietly if anyone had tried to tell him to leave without me had we been in hospital. I think as traumatic as it was for me, seeing me in that state was just as traumatic for him the next day.

Dad's 100% should be allowed to stay with their partners because leaving women on their own is truly one of the cruelest things I think we currently do to new mothers these days in this country.

I was told my DH wasn’t allowed to stay when I was kept in with DD1. However, there were other men there. Being completely along was scary for me and I didn’t know what I was doing - DD had tongue tie and I couldn’t get her to feed. I ended up calling my DM and she told the midwives that she would be coming in to be with me. Luckily, when I was readmitted, I was in a private room and my DH and DM took it in turns to stay with me.

DD2 was born in Covid so overnight staying for DH again. It was fine that time though as I knew what I was doing and DD2 was a lot more chilled. I would have preferred him there but I was fine.

I’m due DS in a few weeks and would prefer my DH to stay but I’ll cope if he can’t. However, if other men are allowed to stay, I will feel incredibly vulnerable without him. It really needs to be an all or nothing. I know my DH would actually be useful to me because he’s proven himself a hands on dad and a supportive partner. He’s also not an abusive arsehole and not a threat to other women but I understand that they won’t know that.

If my husband hadn’t been able to stay with me I would have probably had a breakdown. I had a really traumatic birth not helped by being on a makeshift ward that wasn’t fit for purpose as the post labour ward was falling apart. I was struggling and couldn’t even pick up my baby let alone feed or change her and the staff couldn’t even get me paracetamol let alone help as there was barely any of them (not their fault). I wouldn’t have coped if he hadn’t been there to do these things for me.

I guess we'll have to disagree on this.

I would also add that there is no way to prove on a postnatal ward that any particular man is the father of a newborn. It could be a legal problem to allow a man to leave with a child just because staff are told or assume he is the father - 95% of the time this will be the case of course but it's still a risk to assume.

This is why mothers are always on a birth certificate whereas a father is optional. We can prove that the baby has come out of the woman so when a baby is discharged from hospital with its mother everyone can be sure that baby is 100% with at least one parent.

For goodness’ sake. The men there aren’t just random guys trying to gawp at women, they are fathers looking after their partners and new babes. They have every right to be there

I had to stay overnight and sent my husband home because I was under the impression that a ward for women and their babies wouldn't have a load of random blokes wandering about in it,

I was wrong and I hated it.

Men do not belong on a ward, private rooms is fine, but expecting women to sleep, shower, breastfeed, waddle to the toilet with blood running down their legs while strange men are all over the place is ridiculous.

I had men in the bay directly opposite and the bay next to me, the nurses kept coming over to do obs and leaving the curtains open when they left so I'd have to struggle off my bed and close them each time. At one point I was topless trying to get DD to latch when they whipped the curtains open leaving me completely exposed to both men. In the morning I was stood waiting outside the shower for about 10 minutes with blood trickling down my legs and it turned out the person using the showers was the partner of one of the patients, the men weren't even supposed to be using the facilities.

They spent all night pacing around the ward, playing on their phones or gabbing loudly. Made a hellish place even worse and they weren't of any use when it came to actually caring for the babies or their partners, they were just hanging around, bored and noisy.

I've had 3 DC. Men should not be allowed to stay overnight IMO. Post birth women need space away from strange men.

When I had my first and second, all the women in the ward pulled together to help each other. The men were allowed in most of the time (sent away at meal times and away home at 8pm. I didn't make it to the ward with DC3, sent home.

There does need to be more midwives though.

It must depend on which hospital as I’m due next month and our chosen hospital have been very open & clear about the fact that my husband will absolutely be able to stay for as long as I/we want him too.

Discussed this with a midwife friend and the she suggested the vast majority of women appeared to want - and to have - their DH there overnight.

Seems odd to stop the majority from having something that it valuable to them. Why not just put the minority who take issue in a separate side ward, if space allows?

I wish my DH could have stayed with our 3rd. I was in hospital for a week and it was June 2020 so restrictions meant I only got to see him for 90 minutes a day.
DS was born early and quite poorly for the first few days and I just felt vulnerable and lonely plus recovering from an emergency csection.
Obviously some men would be useless but I doubt their partners would want them to stay anyway.

How ridiculous what do you think is going to happen? Men that are there are purely helping their partners and their newborn baby. I’d be heartbroken if my DH couldn’t stay with me.

I’d have loved if my partner had been allowed to stay the night after I had my son! I had massive bruising and a what felt like a mile long episiotomy, so had to ring the midwives for help every time my son wanted to eat as I couldn’t pick him up and get back on the bed on my own. I was obviously exhausted after a long labour and would have loved if he’d been there to change the baby and hand him over for breastfeeding. He also wouldn’t latch so I stayed in for three days, it was shite! Personally I felt really vulnerable being on my own, especially when a nasty wee shit of a midwife tried to make me feel bad for needing help.

Used to be a matron would tell a man what's what, and if he didn't comply, he would be sent home. Not any more...

@strawberryswizzler do you have a link to the petition please? I can’t find it online

Over 80% of women in my trust breastfeed whilst still in hospital. So yes, it would be normal for them to do the bulk of the caring of their new baby. Also kind of the point of maternity leave.

Babies are designed to be close with their mother.

I imagine the reality is that most women want their partners but not other people's. Given the choice most women would probably want a private room they can share with their partner and child not a free for all on an 8 bed ward.

I don't think most women wanting their own partners should be confused with women being happy with a ward full of men who are strangers to them.

A man can be added to a birth certificate when unmarried without any proof so it's a similar thing really.

Ultimately, it should really be up to the mum. Most people aren't expected to be able to care for someone, let alone a helpless newborn when recovering from a major surgery and if fathers can't stay then at least the option should be there for a mum who formula feeds and wants to rest as much as possible if she's had a c-section or any other complication such as severe blood loss etc by allowing dad to take baby home.

What’s the difference between men being on ANY ward? I was on a ward for a week last year and I was vubersble. If your going to ban them from postnatal wards then why doesn’t it apply to every ward?

They should have a course like a driving theory test for men who want to stay on wards. There could be an hazard test where the men click on the 'hazards' or risks such as empty plate and water jug - click, your wife needs you to arrange for this to be filled up and how to spot a wife in pain, you cant do that if you're asleep.
Babies should now co-sleep with mums following the new world health Association guidelines so dad's need to be in chairs not mums.
If they fail the test because they cannot see their role is to tend to the mum and baby/phones on flight mode at all times... they cant come in overnight and need to find an alternative to support their wife.
So unrealistic.

There are still matrons.

Not dads, not random men, proper bloody staff and proper food. If men had to give birth they'd be up in arms about maternity services. Let's pack you off home after squeezing a watermelon out of your fanjo/major abdominal surgery, after no sleep and no food. Let's guilt trip you about breast feeding whilst doing nothing whatsoever to help establish it. Let's leave mothers after EMCS with no food and no drugs. Let's have a petition to have a load of random blokes wandering about when you're at your most vulnerable. It's shocking!