the petition going round about dads in hospitals

[strawberryswizzler]

just me who is absolutely against this idea? i’ve had 2 c-sections. one emergency, one elective. could barely sit myself up to feed my baby nevermind walk properly etc, i felt so vulnerable. the thought of being in a 4 bed bay separated only by curtains with random men who could be anyone makes me feel ill. anyone else??

@AndrewGarfieldsLaptop indeed. But they don't say anything and let the men walk about and use patient facilities. They have the obligation to stop them.

If they tool control and effectively told off the men who aren't being considerate etc then it would be fine to have men on the ward.

I have just seen your PP and I'm sorry for your loss and in your situation I think it should be allowed.

Absolutely, totally agree with you that it's essential in this situation. We have a bereavement suite in my trust so the partner can stay for the entire admission. Its self sufficient so a male won't cause anyone else any discomfort. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby

I agree with the poster above. It's amazing that we consider it appropriate for strange men to have unsupervised access to vulnerable women and babies while they might be in pain, undressed, sleeping or (the women) drugged without some sort of background check. At the very least, men who want to stay with their partners should have to have some sort of training on appropriate behaviour in ward settings and should be required to sign an agreement undertaking to comply with a suitable code of conduct.

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby and I agree with you OP. I don't sleep well, I feel uncomfortable around men in general and the thought of having to stay in a bay with just a curtain around me fills me with dread.

I don't know what the policy is at my hospital. I know DH can stay in the delivery room with me, and fingers crossed all goes well and we can come home without being moved onto the ward.

I understand there are arguments for both sides. I think unless you are in a hospital which is all private rooms someone is always going to get an experience they're not happy with.

I would also add that there is no way to prove on a postnatal ward that any particular man is the father of a newborn. It could be a legal problem to allow a man to leave with a child just because staff are told or assume he is the father - 95% of the time this will be the case of course but it's still a risk to assume.

So are you then against at visitors at all on the wards at any point at all?

I think it’s ridiculous to ban dads. Especially with the state of the NHS today. I had an emergency c section after being in hospital for 3 days with no sleep and lots of blood loss. There’s no way I could have coped once the baby was born after. The nurses were over staffed and unavailable, not their fault but definitely not enough on duty to help me. I get really frustrated with a lot of people saying they are there to help you so you don’t need the dads but are basing this on this experience over 20 years ago, it’s not the same today!

Gosh what an awful idea. So much evidence exists emphasising the importance of keeping mum and baby together wherever possible, assuming the mother is well enough.

I'm not sure if you're misunderstanding- this isn't about banning dad's. It's about opposing a petition that wants men to be able to stay overnight on the ward.

Dad's should absolutely be free to come and go as they please during the day, say 9-9ish.

They shouldn't be allowed to stay overnight. They are often loud which ruins the first few days of your babies life for other woman.

Is there a link to the petition for those who want to sign?

I do see where people are coming from but personally I would much prefer it if dads were allowed to stay. My DH was not allowed to stay and I had to care for my baby all night by myself when I was exhausted and in pain from a traumatic delivery. I also have social anxiety which made it difficult for me to ask the nurses for help. I didn’t go to the toilet at all until visiting hours when DH came back because I was terrified of leaving my baby alone or asking a nurse to watch him. I remember being completely overwhelmed and stressed out the whole night which could have all been avoided had my DH been there to support me.

I'm not sure how beneficial it is when the mother is recovering from major surgery and is stuck watching her newborn scream in hunger because she simply isn't able to move to get to baby and has been waiting 10 minutes for a midwife to come and help her.

Obviously if she's breastfeeding then there's no choice but if baby is formula fed anyway and mum wants maximise rest and recovery which would be beneficial to her and baby, I don't see why it is such an awful idea for baby to go home with their other parent.

I do see where people are coming from but personally I would much prefer it if dads were allowed to stay.

Then go private.

I don’t think your needs and anxiety should trump others - you could’ve sort help prior to birthing - or requested a home delivery.

It doesn’t mean others have to suffer random men on wards.

It's not dads that should be needed! It's a proper level of care!

I trust my DH wholeheartedly with our babies. He’s a hands on and devoted father. However, him taking them home when they had just been born would have left me having an emotional breakdown. PIL taking DD1 for a walk around the block when she was a couple of months old had me a sobbing wreck!

Taking them to a nursery would have been even worse!

The problem is this cuts both ways. One could just as well argue that the minority who take issue with having men around should go private!

I understand, but I do not believe they should be banned overnight.
As I mentioned in my post, the staff did not have the resource to help so I would not have coped if he had been kicked out at say 9pm. Until there is enough staff/ resource in the NHS, I would be a terrible idea as women who are physically unable to look are there new born will be abandoned.

Then you simply just wouldn't do it.

Not everyone is going to feel the same as you did, I didn't. I'd much rather DH take my baby home than watch my baby cry in hunger due to overstretched, understaffed midwives who can't be everywhere at once to pass babies who need feeding.

having had two c-sections I still think I’d rather they had to leave by a set time at night. Changing the rules will most definitely result in some sex pest taking advantage of a woman in a vulnerable situation. I’d agree as well that establishing breastfeeding would feel harder if I knew men were all around me.

As hard as it was having to do it all myself while in a fair bit of pain, there was something lovely about my husband coming the next day both times to take us home and me feeling like I knew this little person so well, while he didn’t yet. Especially with my first as it was during covid so my husband didn’t get allowed to the ward at all. I did like the special feeling of just having bonded with the baby without anyone else in the way

That just sounds like excuses for lazy husbands.

There's plenty men can do to help. It shouldn't be women doing the bulk of it.

Our maternity/paternity leave systems aren't set up right in my opinion. There should be more paid paternity leave (not taking away any maternity leave to do so).

I didn’t realise dad staying wasn’t a thing? My husband stayed on the ward pre and post natal with both mine. My second was an emergency section, not only did I need him as I couldn’t move, but my baby was extremely poorly in intensive care, I hadn’t even met him. I was on a ward full of babies and had DH not been their I would have been all alone, upset, worried sick and recovering from a section. I couldn’t have been without him.

I can see both sides. Overall I think it would be a good thing. It seemed like torture when I had to stay in hospital for 6 nights after having a emergency c section, with an infection, really struggling to look after my newborn, and my husband had to leave us at night time. All I wanted was her dad there to help me, I didnt want midwives (although they were lovely!). It was a really difficult time. Also surely it would alleviate the medical staffs workload?

With one or two exceptions, all of the arguments being put forward here that dads should be allowed to stay are actually arguments saying that maternity care in the UK just needs to be better. It's obvious that units are understaffed and poorly funded.

The answer to that is not to allow men to sleep in a ward full of incredible vunerable women; it's to actually properly fucking fund maternity care so there is no need for them to be there at all overnight.

If some women want their partners to stay over without a really good reason, they should pay for private treatment and single rooms.

I had a c section for both DC and would have been lost without DH there. The hospital I gave birth in both times allowed dads to stay overnight and tbh I kind of assumed that was the case nationwide. I was away with the fairies on morphine both times so I was relieved my DH was there. I can see the arguments on the other side too so I think the best solution is for there to be split wards, so that the needs of those who want their partners present and those who don’t want to be in an environment where males are present are respected.

YANBU. Private room - fine. General ward - they should be banned.

Private rooms should be available for any complicated births so dad is able to be there to support his partner but a straightforward birth (including straightforward c-sections) the dad should go home after visiting hours on the ward. I was extremely conscious of how loud and taking up unnecessary space my DH seemed to be after my second c-section and even I couldn’t wait for him to leave the general ward.

I should say though that I’ve had really obnoxious dads during visiting hours on the wards I’ve been on for both births which may be colouring my view somewhat.