the petition going round about dads in hospitals

[strawberryswizzler]

just me who is absolutely against this idea? i’ve had 2 c-sections. one emergency, one elective. could barely sit myself up to feed my baby nevermind walk properly etc, i felt so vulnerable. the thought of being in a 4 bed bay separated only by curtains with random men who could be anyone makes me feel ill. anyone else??

When I gave birth to my three (youngest was born in 2002) men were not allowed to stay on the antenatal or postnatal wards beyond the set visiting hours. Thank goodness.

The odd one would be around if there was a special reason (partner going into labour and about to go up to the delivery unit etc.) and that was fine, but as a general rule they weren't allowed and didn't stay.

Even during visiting hours one man had to be removed from his partner in our four bed bay for abusive and threatening behaviour (towards his partner, but in reality it was awful for everyone around). It was such a blessed relief when he was gone.

I could hardly have imagined anything worse than having to spend the night inches from a snoring, farting stranger when I had just given birth.

So I generally say no men on maternity wards. Not overnight anyway. If they are needed due to the particular needs of their partners then there should be areas set aside for that. Staffing levels need to be significantly increased too because the level of care available in too many hospitals is just totally inadequate and unsafe.

My DD is a student MW and said that every MW on the postnatal ward she did her last placement on hated men being there overnight. It makes safeguarding horribly complicated, and she was told some pretty upsetting stories that I won't repeat. Including staff being sexually harrassed - who thinks of the female staff having to be around these men too with no security/back up?

Maybe it could be an option for dads to take baby home if, of course, baby is checked out and everyone feels comfortable with it?

I doubt many mothers would want it but it would obviously mean they would be able to recover better since they wouldn't also have a baby to look after.

Bringing nurseries back at least for those with complications/c-sections could be an option too but again, that would rely on adequate staffing.

I hadn't slept for two days when I eventually gave birth.

The midwives left me with my newborn baby. I was so exhausted I passed out with her on my chest. My DP stayed awake overnight making sure she was safe on my chest, and latching her to my breast when she cried. I was so out of it I didn't even wake up when she cried to be fed. I'd also lost a litre of blood.

We only found out later that officially my DP shouldn't have stayed. But the other mothers didn't even know he was there - we were all behind our own private curtains.

I think it's ridiculous the official policy is for me to watch a baby all night after losing a litre of blood and not sleeping for three days, going through the trauma of childbirth with a third degree tear.

Of course dad's should be allowed to stay in hospitals with the mother and babies. I'm sure my DD would have come to harm with me passed out after birth if not. I think it's more important there's someone there who hasn't just been through vaginal birth or major surgery who is well enough to look after the baby.

No men should be there overnight. It’s a safeguarding issue.

There should be more staff to support the women.

I completely agree

Maybe it could be an option for dads to take baby home if, of course, baby is checked out and everyone feels comfortable with it?

New mothers can't establish breastfeeding with the baby elsewhere and would go against the principles of encouraging breastfeeding. I know not everyone wants to but the NHS can't be seen to discourage it.

It would also be a huge safeguarding risk. More so than women struggling on a ward.

No way

When I had my last,they seemed to allow dad's to stay all day

I was on my own,trying to force back tears,trying to breastfeed,was fully aware I was bleeding heavily and could leak at any time and maintain some dignity all at the same time

The bloody dad at the opposite side of the room was loving all the free passes at bare breasts and vulnerable women-it was his playground

He did nothing but sit and slobber with the biggest smirk at the sights he was seeing

I tried to close the curtain,just to maintain some privacy but it was snapped back by a nurse (god knows why) so he could watch us again (and by god,did he)

He pissed all over the loo seat,chatted loudly on the phone,had the tv on loud and was just there,all bloody day (not helping mum at all)

I'd had a hellish birth and discharged myself early just to get away from him

Men do not belong on a post natal ward

Bad idea. When I had my C-section, the Dad in the bay opposite talked all night to his partner. I also felt worried about going to sleep with strange men on the ward with having a newborn next to me. Nighttime in hospital should be for patients only.
It’s unnecessary to have the Dad there all night. It’s usually only for a night or two.

I loved being alone in the first couple of days with my babies. You never get that time back.

Maternity wards I think should be for woman and others visiting only. If maternity want to have men staying over then they can provided rooms and charge for them.

If the mother is not well enough to look after baby then a room can be provided as they would get priority

Clearly the NHS needs much better funding/organisation and ideally there would be sufficient money/space in every maternity unit for every woman to have a private room with an ensuite if she wants one or for there to be female only bays.

When I had DD (5) we had to stay in for 3 nights. DH went home when he had to leave and came back during visiting hours. This was despite DH working as a doctor on the maternity unit where I gave birth and knowing all of the staff. No one would have batted an eye at him staying past visiting hours.

However, despite quite wanting it I knew I didn't need his support and that the other women would probably be happier if he went home.

When I had DS (10) DH stayed overnight with me in a private room for the first night and then on the chair of a partially empty 4 bed bay in our local community hospital for the next two nights.

I am autistic (diagnosed when DS was two), have severe mental health issues and was supposed to be on suicide watch when DS was born.

Despite there only being 3 women on the maternity unit in the community hospital and it being properly staffed I nearly made it off the unit. I was in such a state that I was going to walk miles home in my nightie, bleeding, with no shoes or keys, at night in March. If DH hadn't been there it would have been hours before anyone noticed that I was missing.

I am not trying to prove that men should be allowed on postnatal wards or that my needs then were more important than those of the other women but I am interested in people's opinions as to what better option was. I did not want to upset any of the other women or make them feel uncomfortable at a vulnerable time for them. However the alternative is that I made it off the unit and potentially died out in the fairly rural area surrounding the hospital.

Ideally I should have been properly supervised and supported but I wasn't, despite begging for help for the entirety of my pregnancy. The necessary private care wasn't available in my area, there were no private rooms available at my hospital and so we did our best with the options available.

I was thinking more about those who don't breastfeed. Obviously if you want to breastfeed, baby has to be there.

Why would it be a huge safeguarding risk?

Where I gave birth they let partners stay. My partner stayed on a blow up bed for me for the whole 6 days I was there.

I had a c section, I could barely stand to change a nappy… in fact I changed half a nappy in hospital… I got light headed half way through and sat down.

My husband also got me my lunch and dinner every day because I couldn’t manage the walk to the canteen.

My husband helped me shower and get dressed because I couldn’t bend over because of the pain from my scar.

As well as practical help he was also a massive emotional support to me during those six days. I couldn’t have managed without him, i think the staff also couldn’t have managed without him as there was no way I could do nappy changes and feeds without help standing up. And they were already short staffed.

He was also there to advocate for me at all times, and after a failed induction which required decisions in the early hours of the morning he was very much needed.

I was on a ward of four, and all of us had our partners there staying with us. My whole experience would’ve so much more painful without my husband there.

At my hospital they have separate loos and showers for birth partners.

Load of crap. My husband very much needed to be there for the six days I spent in hospital.

Because not all men are lovely and some women are coercively controlled and I could for-see certain situations where a newborn was smuggled elsewhere without the knowledge of its mother.

Separating mothers and newborns should be a very last resort and not an answer to inadequate staffing and care.

I can see both sides, and I don't think there is a simple solution.

I guess we could allocate side rooms to people who want a partner to stays, although not everyone is suitable for a side room. Or have designated bay rooms where partners don't stay overnight and if possible women can request which they'd prefer.

During COVID restrictions we still had some partners stay when it was necessary (for example they were their partner's carer,) and we asked them to limit walking down corridors/public areas after partner visiting hours because a lot of mums felt unhappy their partner couldn't stay.

I think there is evidence to the effect that continuous support throughout the birth continuum (which includes postnatally) is beneficial for mothers, but obviously there is never a "one size fits all" solution to anything.

And as bad as it sounds, with how short staffed postnatal care is it can be very helpful having partners around to do the little jobs like lifting the baby out of the cot for a post C-section mum who can't bend over.

I've not seen the petition but I don't agree. However, I can absolutely see why some women would want it. When I had DD2 there was a woman in the same room as me in the postnatal ward who had had a c section and her husband had to leave very shortly after she was brought in. She was in absolutely no state whatsoever to look after a baby (extremely dizzy and faint, vomiting, unable to stand, unable to pick the baby up, so unable to feed or change them. Unable to do anything but lie in bed and vomit over herself, then lie in vomit covered bedding and clothes. It was unbelievably appalling) and there was not suitable staffing on the ward to provide her with what she needed, which was pretty much to have someone with her constantly. There wasn't even staff available to change her bedding in a reasonable timeframe. She should never have been expected to look after a baby.
Of course, one solution is better staffing. But I can see why people think allowing a partner to stay is a more realistic option at the moment.

I think the reality is that if dad's aren't on the wards babies suffer - because often women after C-section or vaginal birth aren't well enough to look after a newborn baby (I mean, they are being kept in hospital overnight for a reason) and the NHS isn't set up to provide full care for the newborn babies.

So we need the dads (or another birth partner) there for the babies' safety and wellbeing, not just the mother's.

There's no need for husbands to stay in hospital overnight! Most new mothers only stay in for one night anyway and there are midwives to help you if you need it. I would have felt uncomfortable with men staying on the ward overnight when I had my babies 😳

I found it really upsetting having my husband sent home when I’d just given birth for the first time. He couldn’t even come to the ward with us to help with bags or settle us in as it was evening. As with others the midwives & nurses on the ward were too busy to really help. The worst part of the experience for me but I can also see it from the other perspective. (Except that there are men there in the day so what’s the difference? The ward I was on was go 24/7 with lights on etc. so day and night had almost no meaning.) What if each woman was allowed a female visitor to stay overnight (mum/sister/friend) to help with care? What we’re really all talking about though is the fact that the NHS is struggling to provide adequate care, dignity and privacy to mothers and babies immediately after birth.

Ideally I should have been properly supervised and supported but I wasn't

That’s the real issue. There should be support. There should be staff to help women shower, to help those who have just had c sections to pick up their crying babies, to watch eg for signs of post partum psychosis or depression.

Having had a c-section and being totally incapacitated in the bed where staff were not responding to the buzzer hardly at all, we often need partners there to help us!!!

if partners could be there to pass things to us, pick up baby when needed, it would take the pressure of the nursing staff who clearly don’t have time to do these things. They can’t provide the care to the standard that is needed for women post partum (mainly staffing issues) and I know several women that have felt like the needed to discharge themselves home earlier than advised to be looked after.

so totally get why it might feel odd/uncomfortable to some people having men around but I really think the pros outweigh the cons considering maternity services at the moment.

Being left on my own, delirious with tiredness, catheter in, unable to reach my baby, in agony from the leg pain that had plagued the last weeks of my pregnancy all at 2am with skeleton staff. I needed DH there and he got sent away as I arrived at the postnatal ward. Horrific experience. I think dad's being there is a good thing.

Surely that would be a safeguarding issue no matter when baby was allowed to go home?

Most mothers attempt breastfeeding so baby would have to stay anyway but if not and both parents were happy, baby deemed healthy etc then I don't see an issue personally.