the petition going round about dads in hospitals

[strawberryswizzler]

just me who is absolutely against this idea? i’ve had 2 c-sections. one emergency, one elective. could barely sit myself up to feed my baby nevermind walk properly etc, i felt so vulnerable. the thought of being in a 4 bed bay separated only by curtains with random men who could be anyone makes me feel ill. anyone else??

Coped, the way bajillions of women have done for thousands of years

I really believe this this post is symptomatic of the problems. It really is designed to make it hard for women to say no and position men as the primary person when a woman gives birth.

in that you have completely dismissed the concerns of women who have been raped and sexually assaulted might I ask you understand the other side?

Fine strange men on the postnatal ward or watching you breastfeed wouldn’t phase you. For many women they would find it deeply uncomfortable and some
exceptionally traumatic.

A little empathy wouldn’t go amiss here.

this is from a dads website not a midwife.
The advice was sourced by the dad ( from a midwife) who wrote it to offer advice.
Men shouldn’t act like this but clearly some do
Theres a lot of crazy rude mums and women visitors on wards too that could do with a bit of common sense advice as well.

Theres no harm in posting advice !

Absolutely!

It’s so difficult as I absolutely see your point about not wanting random men in the bay but I really feel for the ousted Dads of the world. I gave birth ten years ago so not current but as I had, had twins and a c section I could have done with Dad around. Through my own fault I am incredibly stoic and also a nurse therefore I wouldn’t press my bell for any assistance in moving or settling my babies, Unfortunatley this was probably detrimental to my bay comrades as we likely kept them awake all night and I would trundle round on a morning apologising to them all. Of course they said it was fine but that didn’t detract from the fact that having their Dad their would have helped and helped the midwives on shift that likely had 24 patients to deal with

i had an energy C section and no way would i have been okay without my husband. he helped me go bathroom, did the nappy changes etc. I was breastfeeding so couldn't do feeding but that's it. there was another lady in the ward with no support and the nurses didn't help her at all, in fact they were patronising her, it was very sad.

When i was in the recovery ward my husband wasn't allowed to be with me, I was only alone for about an hour and half. In that time i almost fell asleep whilst holding my baby which is incredibly dangerous. I couldn't get up to put them in the crib and it was so hard to get someone's attention to help.

So yes absolutely someone should be able to spend the night with their partner who has gone through immense pain to give birth.

Maternity wards are not for men round the clock. Go home if you can't cope without him.

Glad I'm long done having babies. None of that crap when I had mine. After my last kid dads could stay during the day but definitely no overnights. I went home as soon as possible me, too hot and noisy those places.

I would have loved to have gone home but DS1 needed IV antibiotics. With DS2 I actually discharged myself against hospital advice the same day as DS2 was well and I knew that I would get better care at home.

I thought I needed my DP after both my cs and tbh if the midwifery team were better, I probably wouldn't have thought that (he didn't stay). The reason I am so against partners staying was because of a bad experience after my 2nd cs - the birthing partner was a woman and made me so uncomfortable loudly laughing that people were snoring, farting, crying and moaning about how all the babies were crying. We were all trying to recover and it was just awful thinking if I fell asleep and snored she may make comments about me when I was so vulnerable.

There was a dad who stayed and he was really well behaved and didn't make me uncomfortable but if there were other less well behaved men I would have hated it. I am for giving midwives and nurses more money and more staff to actually support the women post birth.

I’ve had sections and had this problem. Not tarring all men with the same brush but they do like to leer. Maybe hormones and feeling extremely vulnerable but I noticed this both times. I was on wards that were full and felt the stares as they filtered in to get to their partners. I found extended family members also irritating. Curtains aren’t enough, especially when you’ve had surgery and can’t move. Should be private rooms, I even said I’d pay for one when I was pregnant with my second. Very vulnerable time for ladies and I think rooms should be available for all, same argument for there being quadruple more toilets available for ladies in public toilets! Will never happen.

I would have loved my husband to have been able to be there longer. I was exhausted and in pain. I’d had a spinal tap in preparation for a possible c-section so was struggling to get about. Not enough nurses/midwife’s on so my husband would have been a blessing.

Thank you. I really appreciate that and I'm sorry for your experiences too. It's lovely to hear a kind response when most of these posts are dismissing, minimalising or ignoring the experiences and input of women like me.

Tbh, this thread is a really good example of how women are not necessarily compassionate or insightful towards each other. Thank god I had my partner with me for the many days I was stuck in hospital under the horrendous 'care' of the mostly female staff.

First child, wasn’t allowed (14yrs ago). Second (6years ago) it was.
I was horrified and actually disgusted in the male that spent the night with the woman next to me.
sat on his phone, told the woman to give up her bed, snored really loudly… hmph! Last thing you need imo when you’ve had a baby!

I was in 3 nights, other than the observations that we were kept in for I got zero help from anyone, not even a “how are you” but I did make a complaint about the man next door and they got moved so whether they knew I wasn’t going to take any rubbish or not I don’t know. As I’m sure you’ll have guessed my husband went home each night and i believe they all should (unless you have a private room)

When my first was born they took him straight to nicu ward without me even seeing him first and then they send my husband home. That felt cruel and unnecessary and then they put me in a room with mums and babies.
defbitely partners should be allowed to stay the night

Absolutely this. When my 1st was born I was wheeled onto the ward and abandoned. Epidural not quite worn off enough to move, had a drip one side and urinary catheter out the other. New baby crying, I was in pain as painkillers worn off and no one to be seen due to staff ‘changeover’. DH had been sent home as visiting hours were over and no one responded to buzzer. I was in pain and scared. Another post labour mum had to wander around to find help. Could’ve done with DH there to help. My 2nd however, was born during covid and the care was brilliant- completely different experience as there seemed lots of staff there to help and I was fine without DH. More staff is the answer - NHS basically needs more funding, simple as that.

I hated being there with men behind the curtains while at my most vulnerable. I could hear snoring all night & one tutting at a baby crying. Self discharged to get out of there!

that sounds so frightening. i’m sorry you dealt with that.

and you’re right, pp is chatting utter crap tbh it’s completely different trying to figure out breastfeeding a brand new baby vs being confident with breastfeeding when baby’s a little bit older.

i think a lot of women here are underestimating their capability to be totally honest

I had a terrible pregnancy with my second, two stays during pregnancy and 3 days for his brutal birth. It never occurred to me to ask if my husband could stay even though I had a private room twice, once when they thought the pregnancy was ectopic and I cried all night and after the birth which was horrendous. I would have loved to have him there but it just didn't feel right to ask.

Don't even think they should be on mumsnet never mind maternity ward!

I was a single first time young Mum (who was left after having a wardrobe pushed on top of me when he found out I was pregnant). By the very nature of having two or more people in a tiny bay my physical space was encroached on all day with the Dads flapping into the curtain, shouting over to their partner and welcoming various friends and family members and making jokes about how unpopular I was as I didn't have visitors, flowers or balloons. It just made me feel so unheard and small. The nights really were a good reprieve from that and encouraged rest, the babies also seemed less stressed as they weren't being manhandled or startled by noise constantly.

It was the same when I had my hysterectomy last year, loads of husbands and visitors making the ward loud, hot, bustling and uncomfortable. I'm not sure why it's felt creating such a stressful atmosphere for patients recovering from gynecological armageddon is the right thing to do. Surely a bit of peace and quiet aids recovery? Don't even get me started on staff insistence on pulling the curtain back for all to see you at your sickest either.

I think the only way it will work is if there are more single occupancy rooms so those who want partners to stay can. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to want your DH/DP there all all, but in a private room away from other patients. I totally see why those in a multiple occupancy room wouldn’t want men staying overnight. I wouldn’t feel comfortable and I don’t think it should be allowed.

My DH stayed with me when I had DS. I had a planned c-section and was in for 2 nights. My hospital only allowed partners overnight if you were in a private room. The room was en-suite and had a pull out bed for DH. He never left the room unless it was to leave the ward or track down a nurse. There was no cost to us (I know some hospitals charge for a private room) but I would have happily paid it if there was for the benefits it gave. I know sometimes your request can’t always be guaranteed, especially if someone else needs the room and so we were lucky in this instance.

I wasn’t given any support with getting out of bed, going to the loo for the first time or moving around after my section or even with feeding baby. I couldn’t lift baby out the crib to feed or put him back when done, or lift him out for nappy changes. DH did all that. He left me alone for a couple of hours at one point to go and get some dinner, and I buzzed twice for someone to come and pass me my baby who needed feeding - no one came. My medication also wasn’t kept on top of, and I had to stay in an extra night because I was in so much pain. We asked for support with these things but they just brushed us off or help never materialised. DH and I just winged it together. If I was on my own I would have found that so stressful and upsetting.

Tbh, to echo many other pp, I think more staff and support is the answer - as I had to rely on my DH for help that the nurses and midwives should have been giving, but they were just so stretched and busy.

I was pointing out many posters here also disagree ie some agree and some disagree

Its irrelevant to my post whether I hav or dont have a partner, it’s irrelevant whether I want them in hospital with me as I wasn’t making a point about that.

Perhaps you meant to tag a different post? Or is this a general query unrelated to the post that you tagged ?

Which was my point - yes they do, as when I transferred to postnatal ward I was in no fit state to look after my baby so my partner did everything.