Being the OW - why?

[StrawberryEater]

AIBU not to understand why some women choose to be the OW? I’m not talking about those who just want sex and don’t care if the man is married, I mean the single women who knowingly enter into long term affair partnerships and particularly those who hope the man will eventually leave his wife for them.

I think so much less of men who have affairs that I cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that. I’d just not respect them. And wouldn’t the former OW always wonder if he was going to cheat on her next?

I find it baffling and am genuinely interested to hear from anyone who has done it. Honestly not to flame you! I just can’t get my head round it.

I've made clear in my comments that I think the man in question is an absolute creep. Indeed my vitriol has been aimed in the main at him (even though they're both, morally, as bad as each other).

And its got fuck all frankly to do with what 'I wish to be the case'. The facts are established that @FrianBerry has been having sex with a married man, for several years, behind his wife's back. When you post details on a public chat forum you're inviting others' opinions, its the entire premise!

Tbf your comments here are, respectfully, nonsensical contradiction anyway. You're indignantly posing the question why married men get away with cheating, whilst defending the position of the woman he's cheating with.

If he genuinely IS in a sexless marriage (which I doubt tbf) then he should've left, instead of lying.

He could be. There are plenty of threads on here about people trapped in sexless marriages. Plenty of women say they're not interested in ever having sex again. Plenty of men suffer ED (quite a few of them are on OLD,) so it is not always one side or the other. And marriage and love aren't only about sex. People stay in less-than-perfect marriages for all sorts of reasons; perhaps they shouldn't, but they decide to do so anyway, some for reasons which would be unfathomable to others.

Humans are contradictory and confusing, especially emotionally.

I’m so sorry to read that, Songbird. Not only your bereavement, but the fact that it attracted predators to harass you. They obviously hoped your grief and pain had weakened you. They are disgusting on so many levels.

I hope you are happier and safer now xx

All true. Its also true though (again judging by threads) that people having extra marital affairs often falsely claim to be in sexless marriages.
The crux is, in this particular example, someone being cruelly deceived (his wife hasn't agreed to any of this, shes unaware). And thats wrong, on the most basic humane level. We see on a daily basis on here women destroyed upon discovering their husband's affair; I've saw women on MN suicidal over it. Its indefensible.

@Ofcourseshecan , I can believe it. My mother was widowed not at a young age but before retirement age and quite a few men were sort of sniffing around (housekeeper and nursemaid potential probably).

Quite a few married predators would have been hovering around you. They seem to have a script for the 'OW' and 'Potential OW' as well as the wife.
Unfortunately, if there's a nice-looking woman suddenly single some married men think with their dicks.

Totally agree OP. How would the OW ever trust a man who would leave his wife /partner?

I have met two men through work who have eventually wanted to have affairs with me, once in my 20s, once in my 50s. Both the same 'we are essentially separated, sexless marriage' script. Both were people I thought were good friends and who I had known for years. That was a sad end to both those friendships.

Sorry, posted too soon. Both offers came when i was at quite low points in my life, it would have been easy to give in and keep the level of support I had been given by these people.

I think it's a power play for some. Look what I can do.

Many relationships end. I suspect OW assume the old relationship was just not right. Often that's true. It's hard for people to accept but the fact is that many many affairs end up as life long love for the new couple.

I've been married for over 30 years and very happy. But I'm not so naive to think life and relationships are straightforward. Every single situation is unique. I try not to judge

Leaving your spouse isn't the same as leaving your child. Couples split all the time. Do you honestly accuse all the parents of abandoning their dc?

OM and OW just tend to be liars, pathalogical liars in most cases.

They lie to their partners, the om or ow, to their children and to themselves. They recreate justice to suit their needs and desires, affairs would be fine if complete honesty was divulged.
No one wants to be the person who is lied to, it's a cruelty and verging into sadism when it becomes a long term lie behind an unsuspecting person's back. To not recognise or acknowledge someone elses pain is in line with personality disorders.

As to your question aimed at ow, op, I would say although many of the deficits that make up someone's lack of concience are probably inate, nurture also has a bearing, but that can be linked with genetics also, having the same selfish characteristics, learning from parents, family and social circles that equate infedelity as the norm. There are actually great swathes of people that don't partake in affairs as recreational pastimes, maybe their lives have not been entertwined with such examples.

I also think it's a mixed bag of ow who have low self esteem and those that have an extra ordinary high level of self esteem.

I would say to replace a wife takes an extra ordinary ammount of confidence, much of which is usually attained by hiding behind the male, it takes a weird lack of insight or gall to brush off social disaproval of friends, family and especially children. I've seen ow who are totally detested by step children and hear them either ignor or minimise the situation, personally it wouldn't be for me.

To live a life, doing the right thing, being the right thing and not bulldozing over someonelses feelings for gain, is for many the right path, there are many things in life which you can't have without hurting others, but you certainly need a lack of concience, no doubt to partake in an affair.

I think in the OW case with my ex she had no moral compass .. she was in her fifties and her marriage had ended , she firmly believed they were star crossed lovers and that he was just unlucky to be married to the wrong woman .. her sense of entitlement was high .. she wanted him to walk away from his wife and children and was determined to see that happened .
On the occasions when he’d suddenly develop a a small amount if guilt and would tell her it was over and not to contact him .. she’d text repeatedly and pester him at work (and yes he could have blocked her number but I truly believe he got off on the power trip ) .
I later discovered that everyone in his work place had known abc had covered up for them . On days I’d believed him to be at work , they’d actually booked away days together …
when I finally found out .. her best friend who also worked in the same place .. told me “I deserved it because ex h had told them all what a monster I was “ and despite having children together his entire family cut me off because it was easier for them to believe the narrative that he’d been trapped in a miserable marriage with a hideous wife …
people will say anything to get what they want and I really think that OW self esteem was so low that she Would rather spend years waiting for a married man than be alone

Never been the OW, but isn't it as simple as:

• You fancy him
• You get to sleep with him/get wined and dined without all the crap
• You are both doing something you shouldn't, which massively adds to the sex appeal and excitement, making it intoxicating

I doubt most OW actually want a full blown relationship with a cheating man tbh. I wouldn't

I think the thing people tend to overlook in all this blaming of the OW and holding her equally culpable is that men who properly love and value their partners don't even attempt to cheat. It should never be necessary for OW to refuse them to protect your marriage, because if your marriage was worth anything to your husband he wouldn't make himself an option.
Once a man gets to the point where he thinks so little of you he has decided that sex with someone else is more important than you are, well as far as I'm concerned it really doesn't matter if the OW accepts or refuses his advances, because if he is only faithful for lack of opportunity with her, there's nothing left for you to lose, and nothing worth hanging on to.
(For the record, I've never been an OW and have been cheated on.)

I think people don’t want to accept that sometimes, it’s just that your partner meets someone else they like more.

It’s easier to think it must be insecurity, cowardice, low self-esteem…

As said above, I’ve know multiple ‘affairs‘ which have ended up long-lasting, apparently permanent relationships.

@5128gap

I quite agree, yet it doesn't mean this should give someone carte blanche to be in cahoots with abusing another person.

If a bully asked you to join in with their plans to harm someone would you be in agreement or be one of many who turn a blind eye. Many times this is a seismic implosion of a family unit whereby not only the betrayed is harmed but children.

I think people don’t want to accept that sometimes, it’s just that your partner meets someone else they like more.

Of course this can be true, but in many cases people see that their preference can be short lived with foolhardy decisions that last a lifetime.

I think that's the difference betwen those who would allow themselves to fall in love with other people when they are married and those that would not, the fact that poor choices cannot be rectified, a sense of entitlement is what I see most as in thinking an innocent unaware partner will forgive or will never have the sense to find out or an innability to imagine the future, it's very immature, especially when the betrayer doesn't want the marriage to end.

I think ow can be equally lacking in vision, sometimes getting carried away with the endorphins to the point they put their values to the side, I'm sure many men have contributed to the very real trauma many ow have experienced at the hands of duplicitous men.

All avoidable, what's not avoidable is being a victim, there is no choice for the victim.

I think that MN is just way to simplistic in its expectations of human beings to be so black and white. I am also not sure that with the much longer life expectancy we have nowadays that a single monogamous marriage is realistic for say 50+ yrs.

From my older experience (I'm 63) , I can honestly say that the VAST majority of long marriages are second marriages Almost all as a result of an affair whilst raising young children.

It seems to me that young couples conform to biological type and seek out a good person to mate with , one that will increase the odds of a child. Then when children arrive the entire focus of the women switches to the child/children and away from the male. It's a very primitive behaviour but it seems so prevalent still. Then of course the male becomes dejected, bored and irritated by lack of sex and attention, that they are open to the promise of attention from another .

Should it be like this ? Shouldn't human being of evolved more. become more aware of the conception/rearing responsibilities. The effect of parental separation on children. Well of course they should. However biology and nature are extremely powerful forces and are often the winners.

I honestly believe that most people have a relationship 'for kids' and a second for themselves and that is why so many 'affair relationships' last for the long haul.

To my utter shame I had an affair with a married man. I had v bad self esteem and obviously a shitty moral compass.

Agree very much with this.

Because these women are desperate. Let’s not infantilise them by making excuses for them.

Yep blame the woman, not the man cheating on his family

@MozzieMayhem sorry for your friend, that sounds absolutely awful

I've done it. Both in sexless relationships and then caught feelings. Neither of us were married just in long term relationships. Both relationships ended eventually although we didn't end up together.

I'm not condoning but nothing desperate about it for some women. They see. They want. They take. You can judge them in some ways if you want but desperate isn't something that springs to my mind.

@Passingthethyme From my older experience (I'm 63) , I can honestly say that the VAST majority of long marriages are second marriages Almost all as a result of an affair whilst raising young children.

Whilst I agree life and relationships are anything but black and white and I don't hold the vitriolic view of many on here, I think the statement that most long marriages are from affairs started during raising young dc is SUCH a weird conclusion

You must mix with a very specific and peculiar group of people and stats don't support your assertion.

I work with a man who had an affair with a colleague

If you take away the affair part,he's a lovely married-with kids-man and she's loud,shrill and bloody annoying

When his wife was pregnant,they had an affair that went on for the whole pregnancy

He spun her the 'she doesn't understand me like you do' and 'we never have sex' (!)

The ow knew all about his wife and kids but wanted sex and power over him-he wanted a shag

Wife had the baby and it seemed to fizzle out (or they stopped being so open about it-for all I know,it could still be going on)

The ow got slated for the affair from colleagues-she was a marriage wrecker/a slag/a whole and the 'how could she?'

Not one word about him

I pointed out that it wasn't her who had taken marriage vows,got the wife pregnant (3 times) or promised he'd leave her

The faces when I pointed this out,had to be seen to be believed

She seems to have moved on and now has a boyfriend (that nobody has met) and he's crawled back to his wife who doesn't seem to know anything about it and would swear he'd never cheat on her