Being the OW - why?

[StrawberryEater]

AIBU not to understand why some women choose to be the OW? I’m not talking about those who just want sex and don’t care if the man is married, I mean the single women who knowingly enter into long term affair partnerships and particularly those who hope the man will eventually leave his wife for them.

I think so much less of men who have affairs that I cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that. I’d just not respect them. And wouldn’t the former OW always wonder if he was going to cheat on her next?

I find it baffling and am genuinely interested to hear from anyone who has done it. Honestly not to flame you! I just can’t get my head round it.

I said rarely, I didn't say never.

It's always the same on threads about the OW, there is a perception of how they must be but it's generally not the case.

Interesting how many talk about how it is because the man is in an unhappy marriage. Maybe that’s true, but that doesn’t really answer my question which isn’t why people have affairs, but how the OW isn’t put off. Because again, I would find a man deeply unattractive if he didn’t have the courage of his convictions to leave, but did have the “courage” to lie to his wife all the time. It’s back to the issue of not being able to respect someone willing and able to do that, I suppose.

Some really interesting responses here from people who have been or still are the OW. Thank you for sharing them.

I know someone who had admitted to having a short affair 7 years earlier and seemed very regretful that she'd done it, she said she hated herself for it and didn't recognise tha person she was back then...she then went on to have another affair with a married man with young children and they're now together and engaged..she did have a very tumultuous marriage and was very unhappy but I don't know how they can trust each other.
We dont see each other at work much anymore but I don't think I'd want her as a friend or acquaintance anymore anyway.

Everything on MN is so black and white, so many threads like this. Yes thee are some philanderers out there, there have been since time immemorial. But there are also many more complex situations where such crude judgments don’t fit. I’ve never encountered such hide bound attitudes in real life but seems to be a staple on MN. Yawn.

Once on the sidelines of a school match I had a long conversation and interesting / shocking with one of the mums.

She was quite blatant and explained how she had met her now DH when he was already married and basically deliberately targeted him because he was good looking, funny and successful with a view to split up his marriage and then marry him herself. In which she was successful.

I asked what if you split up the marriage and he never married you? Her response was that "I would have been annoyed but I gave it go"

I asked does it worry you that the same could happen to you and that he cheats with someone else. Her response was that she'd either ignore it or get well paid off in any divorce.

She was quite calculating about the whole thing but did say of course she would never have done it if he already had children.

Finally I asked what made her think he would be interested and she said his wife was a hard working, high earning professional like then then husband and that she simply had to give him more flattery, time and sex.

@RandomForest no, she doesn't want to meet me but I have had hold of his phone when the texts from her come in, and listened into phone conversations enough
There's no deceit, I can read his messages etc and he will answer the phone and say "I'm just leaving hers now so will be X minutes and home" or she will text saying "can you get some milk on the way back from X"

I knew one woman who had a lovely husband but found him boring. Once she has him moved out she started dating with a passion.

Only thing is she would only see married men.

She was very discreet but one day confided in me about her sordid lifestyle. At the time she had around three men on the go, all 'happily' married and they didn't know about each other.

Because they were married they couldn't see her as much as if they were single as they had to juggle work and their own family life.

So for her, the three men were on a rota and she was very happy as they each brought something different and she wasn't feeling bored.

It was in my view, absolutely horrible and I told her so. One day I met her mother who was a lovely woman except on the subject of her ex husband who was the father of the woman and he had cheated and they had divorced when she was a teenager.

I think this coloured her mine and made her treat men in this manner. I'm not a psychiatrist though! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Should add we do also have rules set around it like he never stays over, no gifts and I'm not emotionally connected to him
If I meet someone (I did for about 11 months) then it ends

It’s very easy to judge from the inside of a happy relationship. There has got to be some element of desperation and low self esteem there. You’re single and starting to think it’s unlikely you’ll be attractive to any man, a married man shows you a bit of attention because he’s bored or whatever and you fall for it because you’re tired of the online dates and single men who think you’re disposable.

1dayatatime I think that is a common scenario too.
It happened to a friend I had and had happened to her mother!
The ow wanted to meet and marry an Englishman. She ended up living in my friends house, marrying my friend’s ex h and having a child. All planned.
My friend said her mother’s best friend told her mother “I’m going to be with your dh,” the husband dismissed it as nonsense. Sure enough she became his bit on the side. He ended up leaving his wife and marrying her best friend.
Again lord of flattery involved and sex on a plate.
The older woman was married herself but I think she had married him primarily to save being a single mother. She didn’t really love him.
The fist woman was single and was on the look out for a certain type of man.
The older woman was like an embarrassing type of Stepford wife doing everything for her man. I say older woman but she was 10 years younger than the man.
This often seems to be a theme.
Old man, young woman.

My ex h fed the OW the line about not being able to leave the kids especially as we had a new baby , but she was fine with him leaving me virtually a single mum while he shagged her in his office and sneaked off with her claiming to be working …. He even took my baby dd with him to meet her on several occasions claiming he was taking her for a walk to the shop .
He also told her I was mentally unstable and he feared what would happen if he left me 🙄 despite knowing me .. she fell for it ..

I've had a married man make advances - I'm married too. At first I thought he was an annoying flirt but then realised he wanted something more so I cut contact to the bare minimum - then reflected as to why pick on a happily married woman? - and realised there must be people like that who both have a lot to lose on both sides so makes for the perfect affair. Those are really dangerous I guess.

@Lurkingandlearning Im not “protesting” I don’t have low self esteem whatsoever, however galling that might be to some. It’s easier to explain away to give that reason but I’d say to be an OW you need a certain amount of confidence.

There are a million reasons people will become the OW (or the OM - why do they never get told they have low self esteem?) low self esteem might be one reason for some. It wasn’t for me, and it wasn’t for other people that I’ve known in the same situation.

Sometimes it’s as simple and brutal as “because they can”.

You're dead right! A friend of mine ran off with my other friend's husband and couldn't understand why I never wanted to speak to her again.

Super selfish and no empathy despite "pretending" she was a decent person who I looked up to before that!

She had wrecked so many kids lives for a doomed relationship with a sociopath so am waiting for the sh££ to hit the fan and karma to step in ☹️

He also told her I was mentally unstable and he feared what would happen if he left me 🙄 despite knowing me .. she fell for it ..

She probably didn’t @Rockschooldropout She more than likely just let him say it and went along with it. Most women, OW or not, are not that gullible - everybody knows the yarn - but choose to accept what they are saying.

You’re probably right - when I found out and confronted her she said .. “I think he tells me what I want to hear “ I did say at that point she was welcome to him and I started divorce proceedings and moved out … she did me a favour even though I went through hell at the time as years later I met someone else and am happily married .. bizarrely he only proposed to her after he found out I was getting married 🙈

I know two people exactly like this but withholding the children when he was dying. It beggars belief how evil some people are 😡

If you were so emotionally connected he would have left his wife by now. You are his bit on the side. Enjoy.

I've name changed for this and please do not jump down my neck about it, now as a older married woman I throughly regret what I did and am ashamed of my younger self.

When I was a younger girl/upto teenage I was bullied for the way I looked, I was fat and bad teeth came from family with little money so never had nice clothes so bullied for that. I share that to give you an image of who I was.

I got to my alevel years lost all of my weight/suddenly became attractive to 'men'.

I went out with much older guys - sometimes they were married, sometimes in relationships but I craved the attention, somehow flattered they wanted to spend their time/money on me not their OH.

I didn't care who I dared/slept with and their status I just wanted attention.

As I say I'm thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed but it's what was.

I was the OW, very briefly. He didn't tell me he was married until we'd been dating for a while. We were both very drunk and he told me and asked me if I still wanted to see him. I did a few more times but in the end I couldn't do it. You asked why. I was 21 he was 37 and I assumed that he didn't love his wife, because I couldn't understand how you could have sex with someone else if you loved your partner. I actually asked him and he refused to talk about it. Now being his age I think probably they'd just had a baby and he was just looking for sex, but he really made me believe that he loved me. I still feel very stupid about it.

or the OM - why do they never get told they have low self esteem?

I suspect most men need a certain amount of self confidence to be physically able of having an affair- if they're that crippled by low self esteem, they probably can't get it up.

As sad as it is the other women tend to be younger, more naive and men can manipulate them into thinking the wife is the epitome of evil and the OW is saving them. Very few men actually leave their wives.

My DH’ dad left his mum for her close friend when my DH was a baby and left them all homeless in the process, the OW would taunt her and tell her they were going to get custody etc etc, however he also went on to do the exact thing to the OW, my DH has nothing to do with him and never will, he thinks he’s a disgusting excuse of a man.

Being an OW is more frowned upon than being single!

But yes, many people prefer some kind of relationship to none at all.

"People don't have affairs when they are happily married."

I think some people do. Having their cake and eating it.

"Most marriages end in divorce"

That's not true.

My guesses:

1. Age. If you're single over a certain age, most of the people you meet are taken.
2. Fear of commitment. Only a slim chance of the relationship becoming too stifling.