Being the OW - why?

[StrawberryEater]

AIBU not to understand why some women choose to be the OW? I’m not talking about those who just want sex and don’t care if the man is married, I mean the single women who knowingly enter into long term affair partnerships and particularly those who hope the man will eventually leave his wife for them.

I think so much less of men who have affairs that I cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who would do that. I’d just not respect them. And wouldn’t the former OW always wonder if he was going to cheat on her next?

I find it baffling and am genuinely interested to hear from anyone who has done it. Honestly not to flame you! I just can’t get my head round it.

@Gwenhwyfar , about a third do, so you are quite right.

I am an OW currently and have been for about 5 years although we have known each other for 6.5 years. We are both late 50’s and met via OLD, we see each other about 6 times a year due to distance and other issues on both sides and talk/text all the time. I’ve known he was married almost from the outset. I have been single for 6 years.
He said right from the beginning he would never leave his wife ( out of loyalty for a family issue on his side for which she has been a huge support) but he has been in a sexless marriage for the last 15 years or more ( I can’t say here how i know this is true but it honestly is). I am completely off men because of a horrible XH and disastrous dating since my divorce in 2012. I already know I will never live with a man again and will never want to.
So In theory this works well for both of us, except we have both developed strong feelings for each other. Nothing in our set up will change but it’s an added complication that we both deal with in different ways. I go through periods of hating myself for what I’m doing and periods of thinking well I’m not cheating on anyone.

I already know I will never live with a man again and will never want to.

I get the impression though if he offered to leave his wife and move in with you, you'd accept. Hopefully his wife will find out what a fraud he is, and kick him out.

As it is, he has all the power, he's betraying his wife, and the likelihood is he's lying to you about his circumstances (you may well not be his only bit on the side). If he genuinely IS in a sexless marriage (which I doubt tbf) then he should've left, instead of lying.

Its a valid point that you're not, personally, cheating on anyone, but morally you're no better than him. Surely being single, and working on valuing your worth, is preferrable to scraps from the table?

Low self esteem, desperation, could be all sorts of factors like that, some people are just not fussed about the feelings of others.

@SloaneStreetVandal no even if he left his wife I wouldn’t live with him and he knows that too. I don’t want any man spoiling my home life dynamic

But you're happy to play a major role in spoiling someone else's (potentially significantly so). Horrible behaviour.

It will end in tears for you, and deservedly so, given your attitude.

It will end in tears for you, and deservedly so, given your attitude.

How do you know?

Doesn't always end in tears, and 'karma' doesn't exist as much as people want it too.

The PP sounds happy with her situation, why would it end in tears? She doesn't want any more than she's got.

A friend of mine is the OW. She would like him all to herself but apparently he would lose an awful lot of money if he left his wife. He's able to get away with it as he just tells his wife he's on a shift at work. From what she tells me they do lead fairly separate lives and he treats my friend like a princess. My friend knows the score atm and doesn't put any pressure on him but I think she will vote with her feet one day or meet someone who is actually available

I think everyone has an internal moral compass - “this is right, that is wrong”.

However, some people’s moral compass can go up and down depending on the circumstances - “if they do it, it’s wrong, if I do it, well I have reasons, that make it ok”. Then further down the line “it’s definitely Ok, because …….” and because they know the difference between right and wrong, even when they are doing shit stuff they can still justify to themselves they are behaving ok.

Thats why sometimes we can know someone for years and then be astounded at something we think is dishonest, but they don’t.

A dividing line might be where you buy something in a big store, the cashier undercharges you, (not your fault), and you don’t realise the mistake until after you get home, or even a while later, and then it will be a big faff to take it back, and quite likely if you ring them they won’t want it back (say cost less than a fiver).

So, you technically took unpaid goods out of the store (wrong), but do you morally feel you behaved wrongly. I think most people wouldn’t do anything, because it will only get sorted with action, and in a situation like this, inaction is just easier.

How else do scammers, thieves, fraudsters live with themselves?

Obviously, you also have people with personality disorders, and non normal brains eg narcissists, psychopaths, etc etc.

Our brains don’t develop fully until we are 25. So in the case of younger women perhaps working with an older senior (married)colleague, their sense of right and wrong can be influenced/distorted by said married man.

So in some cases the OW will only understand what she has done with further life experience and will be full of regrets, either because she was manipulated and lied to, or because she now can now understand the wife’s side. Sadly that tends to happen when young women get repeatedly let down by men.

Or she’s got no moral compass, is easily influenced and will never care or examine her own honesty.

She doesn't want any more than she's got.

Well exactly.
She's a booty call, buying hook/line his 'strong feelings' patter like it hasn't already been established that he's a fraud.
I'm not talking about karma either, I'm talking about waking up one day to the crushing realisation that you've been used/treated like a faulty (ie guaranteed pay out) slot machine.

I can see the opposite of you. Ripple might feel it's a total love story because against all odds they have to be together sort of thing.

Let's face it, lots of marriages are not happy. It's not surprising that there is a crossover when one should have ended and a new one starts.

I didn't know. He lied about his name and as we lived in different cities and it was a brief thing I never visited his home town or met his friends etc. He used to work in my city on occasion so that's how we met / would meet up.

On the days we weren't together we'd be talking throughout the day so I had no reason to suspect he was married. After a few months he made out he was severely ill and I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. Curiosity got the better of me and I reverse image searched his profile picture and some social media profiles came up with a different name. Had a snoop and turns out he was married. I sent him a message saying I knew he was lying about being married, his name and being very ill and then I blocked / didn't contact him again.

I don't blame myself, I genuinely thought I was going on dates with a single man and wouldn't have pursued anything if I had known otherwise. For a while I felt guilty about not telling his wife, but I found her profile on social media and someone had sent her screenshots of his previous indiscretions about a decade ago, so I suppose he has a habit for doing it and she turns a blind eye.

Well one obvious answer is that men frequently do leave their wives for another woman, don't they? They just sometimes faff about taking a long time to make their mind up. But eventually, either because their wife finds out and gives them no choice, or because they finally get the courage, they do leave. In many cases they start a new life with the OW. In some cases the relationship works out and they live happily ever after. Presumably the OW who wait for their married men think this will be the case for them.

I'm not talking about karma either, I'm talking about waking up one day to the crushing realisation that you've been used/treated like a faulty (ie guaranteed pay out) slot machine.

Thats how you might feel but that’s not how someone who has gone into something eyes wide open would feel.

Maybe she is also using him?

@SloaneStreetVandal I think you may be projecting here. I’m nothing like a booty call. We pre- arrange to see each other when it suits us both, if one suggests a date and the other can’t make it we say no.
Id say that’s the opposite of a booty call. His wife is his responsibility not mine, he is the major player in any spoiling of their home life dynamic, I’m a bit part.
@unripesock has it, I’m happy with what we have. It suits us both for different reasons.

@Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions

I agree that there is a tendency to explain away why affairs occur such as "I had low self esteem " or it was all the fault of the man etc.

Whilst I don't doubt this happens it is incredibly naive not to see that there are cold calculating women purposely targeting well off married men in order to benefit from them.

The woman I spoke to in my example was very matter of fact about it. I did ask her whether she felt guilty about what she did.

Her response was that whilst she was not proud about it, she attempted to justify her actions by saying it was his choice as well, that other women do far worse things to get wealthy and that the wife as a high earning professional will anyway be perfectly fine in life whereas as for her it was her way of out of poverty (not her exact words but the jist of it.).

I've noticed that the commenters who call OW the most horrific names are always so incredibly awful that I'm pretty sure I'd be more likely to want to be friends with the OW over being friends with them.

I think you're just a bit deluded - its incredible that you'd assert projection whilst dozily using the term 'bit part' to describe yourself!
This is a married man who was trawling dating sites looking for sex on the side, and has duly lied (to indulge in hook ups) for several years. He sounds absolutely disgusting tbf.
You've agreed with @unripesock's assertion that you're using him, so surely there must be single guys on dating/hook up sites not looking for commitment, and who'll happily be used as a rent-a-cock? At least with a single guy you'd avoid these periods of hating yourself that you've described 🤷‍♀️

@SloaneStreetVandal Im not dozy or deluded I know exactly who i’m with , what i want and what he wants.
Plus you know nothing about him or what he’s been doing for several years. Out of the 2 of us I am the one who actually knows him.
No I don’t want a rent a cock thanks or to be on a hook up site picking up randoms who’ve been god knows where. Whatever you think of my relationship it’s been built up over years, so we have friendship, trust and familiarity, I’ll never get that with some hook up and neither will he.
Re. the going through periods of hating myself, of course it’s not ideal and I will never be at peace with it.

Just because that's what you'd like to be the case doesn't make it so.

Honestly, women are so ridiculous in their constant pillorying of 'the other woman'. It makes absolutely no difference and it's nobody else's business but the people involved.

It is though a catnip subject, guaranteed to get the guillotine knitters out in force with their incorrect and spiteful assertions. Nobody has any idea of why another woman would do anything so why bother speculating? I won't waste my time suggesting that a topic asking why married men get away with cheating because they mostly get a free pass. Pathetic.

@MidnightMeltdown Agree with this

People should end their relationship if they're tempted to stray

But, they often don't, until they know they have someone / somewhere else lined up

In my case - she was fed a load of bullshit and chose to believe it.

She knew we had 3 kids including a 4month old baby but he fed her the usual lines:

We didn't have sex - no shit mate I have 3 kids and one is tiny plus you do fuck all to help and don't even talk to me most nights

I was a bully - yes I was - because I asked him to help around the house, stop 'working/band practice' every night, asked him to go to Relate

I didn't love him anymore - not true but I refused to be physical with a man who called me mental, a bad mother and once drugged my with brandy to try and get his leg over

He didn't love me - well dah! Except in the 15 years they have been together there hasn't been a week when he hasn't tried it on with me or told me I was the love of his life - including only paying maintenance in person as an excuse to get me 1-1.

They are now getting married - thank fuck - good luck love!

Because sneaking around is more fun to them.

They have low self-esteem and getting one over on the wife makes them feel more desired.

Losers.

You can tell some women actually enjoy having the label OW (going off threads on here)….”I’m the OW AMA”. It becomes a persona almost

I started dating a man when I was around 20. He was 3 years older. We didn't ever live together, but I used to stay at his flat for days on end, weeks even. We were together around 5 years. During the entire relationship he had a 'best friend' who was a woman, two years older than him, whom he'd met at 6th form college. She hated me, though she'd only met me once or twice, briefly, and couldn't bring herself to speak to me. He convinced me she was territorial, nothing going on. Honestly, she didn't seem his type. I was a very good looking young woman (this is partly vanity, but I can say looking back at pictures, I was conventionally good looking). So was he. His girlfriend before me was a stunner, modelled for gyms... This best friend was really not conventionally good looking. She also made her own clothes as she was quite quirky, but they always looked home made. I admired that about her, actually. i wish I could sew!

Anyway, we split up, and 4 years later he married her! I had no idea, and was off living my life, but a few years later I met up with someone who knew us both and she filled me in. She said he'd cheated on me with her the whole way through. Basically any time we argued and did that young 'on a break' thing, they were at it, then he'd leave her alone for a while until we argued again.

I never understood why this woman who met him at 17, hung on through all these other gorgeous girlfriends, to marry him 15 years later, and I remember all the awful things he used to say about her looks etc to convince me there was nothing between them. He was the pits. Anyway, I have also been informed since that he still goes out clubbing and regularly pulls other women. And while the source can't be sure, the inference is that there is actual sex going on.

I believe this woman has and probably still has incredibly low self-esteem, makes no sense to me otherwise. 30 years of being in some kind of attachment with a man like that. Yuk! He probably wore her down since the moment they met. I feel very sorry for her, although of course, I'm aware she was in the background, and foreground tbh, through my entire relationship with him. I am also extremely grateful that I didn't stay with him, so if she played part in that, thank you OW! I feel I dodged a bullet.