To be so upset at SIL saying I was strict with my children and she finds it ‘scary’

[MakeEconomyScream]

Am away on holiday with DB, SIL and their children. I am here without DP but with my DC. I have always had a lovely relationship with SIL…until today! We were talking on a walk when she started saying her dad was very relaxed and so was she but my DB was a bit stricter with the DC. She said my parents were strict with me and my DB/DS. I agreed and then she said (TWICE - so obviously really wanted to say it): ‘you’re strict with your children and I find it a bit scary’. OUCH. I wanted to cry. I may be strict - maybe even too strict (who knows?) - I’m muddling my way through a full time job, two young children (one of whom doesn’t sleep, the other of whom is pretty challenging at times) and away for a week without my DP. If she really thought this couldn’t she just slag me off to my DB rather than hit me in the gut with her words? I feel really uncomfortable being around her now and am questioning my parenting and myself. Is this what she wanted? (For context, she has said similar to me about my DSis and her partner before, but to my knowledge has never said it to their faces)

"We're all muddling along, aren't we?" would be my response

I guess I might stop to reflect if I am too strict / scary, perhaps ask a friend for blunt opinion

But if you and your family are happy, then ignore her and crack on

Are you sure you’ve received this remark in the way it was intended? If you generally have a good relationship I’d be inclined to think she was kind of jokingly confiding this? I’d be so surprised if she was slagging you off as you put it.

Can you ask her about it? It doesn’t have to be said with any edge. Just, hey I hope you don’t mind but what you said earlier has been playing on my mind, can you explain what you meant? I bet she was just saying it was really different from her way and what she’s used to.

I hope you can sort it out. We all do our lives our own way. You shouldn’t feel the need to change and nor should she.

Maybe she's trying to make you aware because she knows what it's like (she only said her dad was relaxed so maybe her mum was strict?) and doesn't want you to damage your relationship with your children?

Did she give any examples of what she finds scary? I don't think I could have left it at that comment, I'd have wanted to know in what way she meant it.

Maybe because of something from her own childhood that makes it scary. Are you too strict? Do you should loudly at the kids?

Is there any truth in it? Are you "scary" in the way you handle your kids? If someone said that to me, I would have a good soul-search and decide whether I thought they had a point or not. If I really didn't think so, I would conclude that they were a prat and ignore them.

Being strict is not a bad thing generally. It certainly shouldn’t be ‘scary’.
Having rules and boundaries you and your partner stick too consistently should in theory make parenting easier in the long run, is it easier to loosen the reins as they get older than suddenly tighten them!
Is her parenting style very different to yours? What would you say to her if you could without offending her?

Strict is good.

Don't let it bother you.

Its difficult to know if she has a point without some examples of what she might be referring to but I think most people will know families who appear stricter than their own and some who seem more relaxed. It seems rude to me to comment either way.

@AuContraire Not always. It depends.

Sounds like you're either taking it way too personally. Worth reflecting though as to whether she might have a point?

@MakeEconomyScream

" I may be strict - maybe even too strict (who knows?) "

You could reflect on this? What do you think?

It’s hard to advise without examples.

My dad was too strict and I’ve never forgotten it. Being too strict can create anxiety and stress for children and give a feeling of a lack of control and the need to take back that control by rebelling or destructive behaviour. Even over eating or under eating.

Or. Is her parenting style particularly un-strict? Does she lack discipline/boundaries? She may have noticed something lacking in her own methods, and is justifying it to herself, by branding your style as “scary”.

So rather than point out that maybe muddling through means that you can possibly be too strict/scary you wanted her to talk behind your back.

having clearly defined boundaries is good

strict maybe not it all depends

Well look at it this way, you’re on holiday parenting by yourself and she’s with her DH. You’re doing double the work load so to speak. Perhaps you’ve been unable to relax as much as she has!

I can imagine it didn't feel good.

FWIW some parenting can come across as scary - my ex FIL was a shouty father and a shouty grandpa and he could be quite unpleasant to be around.

I hope that it's her being unreasonable.

It's so subjective and so many things at play here. I suspect one of my friend's feels I'm too strict with my son, but she literally has no boundaries with her daughter as she can't tolerate distress (i.e. that she might cry or tantrum is she doesnt allow her 2-3 ice creams a day). Boundaries are good for children, and consistently maintaining them make them feel secure and safe. Being excessively authoritarian and punitive is not however. Only you and those around you will know where you sit, but her comment may have been as much as about her as it is you.

Are there noticeable differences between how the two groups of children are able to enjoy the holiday? Are you always the one ending fun/play or reminding children of responsibilities? Are your children ever scared of your response to things?

It’s never easy to hear criticism - but if your parenting does scare her as being overly strict - isn’t it better she say something? If her husband was overly affected by strict parenting, and refers to it a lot in their parenting discussions, she might have felt it important to not just silently watch you behave similarly. She may have been trying to think how to raise a really sensitive topic - and ended up saying it twice cause sure was rehearsing it in her head how to do this. You’ve said she’s mentioned your sister - maybe she’s saying something direct because she doesn’t think you got the indirect references and sure is genuinely concerned.

Strict is a vague definition - it can mean everything from child isn’t allowed to go parties full of drunk teens, or child is expected to keep their room clean, to child experiences a level of control that is abusive and leaves them afraid to misstep. And a lot in between.

I think you should take a step back and look at how “strict” plays out for you. Is it not letting your kids run wild? Or does it control your kids too much? Maybe talk to your brother privately - it could be that they have spoken together about this topic. He might be in full agreement with his wife’s comments.

It might also be, when you calmly evaluate things, that your conclusion is B&SIL go too far the other way and parent in a way you think is not good for their kids.

I know for a fact that my SIL thinks I'm too strict. I think she's lax. I also know that my DSis thinks I'm lax 😆 Opinions are like arseholes.

Agree with PPs though that it's almost impossible to comment without examples.

Don't go on holiday with them again, lesson learned.

DH's siblings have both parented very differently. All the kids have turned out OK, probably we prefer the ones who had 'strict' parents.

The 'relaxed' ones used to bitch to us about the 'strict' ones and avoided spending time together as a family. They were also the most convinced that their way was the best way, rather than just muddling along like most parents do.

Don't take it personally but don't give her the opportunity to slag you off again without defending yourself.

Muddling along isn’t ok, are you too strict, scary strict? Instead of being all offended, reflect on is It true and how do you treat your own kids, is she right if so get it sorted, if not, then ask her to explain why she thinks that.

This. Some things are worth being strict over (safety). Some things really aren't (food, clothing choices).

Most times I hear people judging other parents for being too “strict” it’s because they have a lack of discipline with their own kids. This comment seems to be more about her than you. I would ignore it.

Without any specific examples it's impossible to say.

I remember a few incidents from my childhood where I found my dad scary and it's not a nice feeling. I also remember one of my friends' mums seeming especially strict and being terrified of going to her house as a result.