To be so upset at SIL saying I was strict with my children and she finds it ‘scary’

[MakeEconomyScream]

Am away on holiday with DB, SIL and their children. I am here without DP but with my DC. I have always had a lovely relationship with SIL…until today! We were talking on a walk when she started saying her dad was very relaxed and so was she but my DB was a bit stricter with the DC. She said my parents were strict with me and my DB/DS. I agreed and then she said (TWICE - so obviously really wanted to say it): ‘you’re strict with your children and I find it a bit scary’. OUCH. I wanted to cry. I may be strict - maybe even too strict (who knows?) - I’m muddling my way through a full time job, two young children (one of whom doesn’t sleep, the other of whom is pretty challenging at times) and away for a week without my DP. If she really thought this couldn’t she just slag me off to my DB rather than hit me in the gut with her words? I feel really uncomfortable being around her now and am questioning my parenting and myself. Is this what she wanted? (For context, she has said similar to me about my DSis and her partner before, but to my knowledge has never said it to their faces)

Simply Having rules and boundaries ia not being strict. And yes it can be very bad indeed, controlling, not allowing children to learn, demanding obeyance, no flexibility, those are the kids who grow up and run.

This is a tough one. If you were raised by strict parents (overly strict?), then I guess unless you make a concerted effort to be different, it's likely you'll parent in a similar way to how you were raised (we all have a tendency to do this). Of course you're trying your best, as we all are, but if something has felt confronting (like this seems to have felt for you), it could be because you recognise some truth to it? There is a difference between strict and firm and there is lots of parenting research that shows that authoritarian parenting, does not have the best outcomes.

Of course, without knowing you and your style of parenting, the above could be true or it could just be that she has a much softer approach and so perceives your parenting as 'strict' when it's actually not overly. You could prove her further or ask an honest friend for feedback?

That must have been hard to hear, especially as it all sounds full-on for you at the moment.
What sticks out to me is that she mentioned your parents and your sister, and then said it twice. That does seem to indicate she thought about it before saying it. Which, while this may be tough to hear, means that it might be worth taking a step back and assessing yourself a bit? Did you ask her for examples, or could you? She could genuinely be concerned for the stress you are under, and while i understand it must hurt, if she's doing it out of love for you and your family then it's worth thinking about, as let's face it, it's easy to lose sight of things sometimes, and we're not always great at judging ourselves. From what you've written, it does sound like you think there might be a grain of truth there? Can you think of anything that might have happened to prompt her to say this?

It depends what you mean by strict. I had a friend who was otherwise lovely, but called herself strict. This basically involved screaming at her DC and very little in the way of actual boundaries. If you generally have a close relationship and she cares about your DC, she may be trying to highlight your behaviour.

Can't judge on whether you are a scary control freak or not, sorry.
Can judge your sil who has said something hurtful when you are on your own.
Step away from worrying about whether it's justified or not. Call her out on her words and her timing.
Deflect the inevitable ins and outs. Get it back to "How would you feel if someone described your parenting as scary when you were on your own? "
But decide what you want. An apology (a real one). Or something else.

Fwiw if you need independent assessment ask school for early help. Trust them. Do not ask for opinions on parenting from anyone else!

Hugs.kind of thing my ex sils would do. Stamp on it now with the bravery and clarity I never had. They helped considerably with my slide into depression.

Tell your dh. Your sil used very specific negative language to describe our parenting.

I'd go home. Don't take crap because it will grow and grow.

Op as much as I would be upset I would also use this as an opportunity to reflect on my parenting.

Are you strict? Do you need to be? Could you relax more?
Is your sil too laid back? Is there a compromise.

💐💐💐

If your parenting is scary to an adult then it's more than just being strict.
She may be trying to tell you that your parenting is concerning.
Strict is maintaining firm boundaries, there should be nothing scary.

This.

The 'strict' parents in our family appeared to be perfectly normal but got accused of being scary by the 'relaxed' ones.

If she thinks you're strict, you're probably doing it right. You should be proud - your children will grow up to be polite and responsible adults, and not over-indulged.

This. I'd probably take it as a compliment. Most parents are verging on negligent these days.

It depends what she finds scary. My SiL and BiL used to smack and shout loudly at their kids (similar aged to ours) and I hated it. I don't think people realise that other people don't want to see kids being disciplined harshly. A smack on the leg or shouting loudly might be the norm for some parents, but its not for me and mine. I don't want to see it and I don't want my kids around it.

I don't like being around people who yell at their children, that's not how I parent, what did she mean by scary?? Are you shouting a lot?

What are the things you do that she/you think might be too strict? Without examples it's impossible to know if you are too harsh or she just thinks kids should be able to do exactly as they please.

She wanted to make you feel bad, ignore the twat from now on.

I find shouting scary, especially when it's sudden like as soon as you get in the car.

Do you think you are too strict? If it had been a friend commenting , would you have received the feedback differently…
it’s hard to tell without any examples from you. I have a friend who definitely thinks I am too relaxed with my child ( and has shouted at him in front of me) and made comments about how how she wouldn’t let hers do some things I do ( they are both toddlers btw, 2 years old)
so I guess im in the reverse situation.. I think we all parent differently - and if I were to be totally honest, I think she’s too strict sometimes - shouts at her child, and once pushed her off the sofa onto the ground as she was irritated by something the toddler was doing. The only time I really felt like saying something was when the kid was pushed off the sofa .. so I guess only you know the answer to the question:are you too strict? If you think not, then have a word with her and tell her how she made you feel

It depends how shouty you are, how old your dc are and what your dc are like. One of my dc was very headstrong and needed a firmer parenting style with clearer boundaries than another dc. Maybe her dc are more naturally compliant than yours. Perhaps they are happy with more relaxed boundaries but yours need clearer guidelines to feel safe. So many different variables that although it is worth considering the feedback it is not worth spending too long worrying about it.

Do you shout? Are your children nervous about making you angry?

There are different ways to be strict. Most my friends are strict but have firm boundaries which they uphold kindly and with compassion. I had one friend who was strict but demonstrated it by barking orders at her kids and constantly telling them off and shouting at them. I've chosen to distance myself from her as I find it quite upsetting and really feel for the kids.

If you feel she is undermining you, or bullying you, or being nasty, move on.
Parents neglect to be strict sometimes these days. Then the teachers in schools have to discipline children of such parents. Old fashioned? Blimey. Just with a lot of common sense

I think I'd have asked for a specific example of when I'd scared her, otherwise I'd just think she was a monumental hyperbolic twat.

There’s levels of strict though, if I was to turn around to dm and say they can’t have any more cake, they’ve had too much already she’d call me strict, in the same way ‘scary’ can mean ‘I’m worried about them’ or can just be a phrase. If you’d agreed and been talking about others being strict, it sounds like it was just one of those conversations. Definitely doesn’t sound to me like an attack but only you and she really know

Fine to be strict and hold boundaries. Not fine to be strict and shout and scare your kids. Depends on what the dynamic is.

Who cares? And why would you let this upset you to the point of wanting to cry and damaging your relationship with your SIL?
She didnt insult you, she has an opinion on how you parent. Which is fine.

We cannot control how others feel, only how it affects us.

Maybe reflect on whether you are TOO strict, which would not be a good thing, but otherwise, just roll with it.