To be so upset at SIL saying I was strict with my children and she finds it ‘scary’

[MakeEconomyScream]

Am away on holiday with DB, SIL and their children. I am here without DP but with my DC. I have always had a lovely relationship with SIL…until today! We were talking on a walk when she started saying her dad was very relaxed and so was she but my DB was a bit stricter with the DC. She said my parents were strict with me and my DB/DS. I agreed and then she said (TWICE - so obviously really wanted to say it): ‘you’re strict with your children and I find it a bit scary’. OUCH. I wanted to cry. I may be strict - maybe even too strict (who knows?) - I’m muddling my way through a full time job, two young children (one of whom doesn’t sleep, the other of whom is pretty challenging at times) and away for a week without my DP. If she really thought this couldn’t she just slag me off to my DB rather than hit me in the gut with her words? I feel really uncomfortable being around her now and am questioning my parenting and myself. Is this what she wanted? (For context, she has said similar to me about my DSis and her partner before, but to my knowledge has never said it to their faces)

Are your children scared of you? If not then I think this is your SIL putting you down because you have a firmer parenting style than she does. Perhaps she feels inadequate?

I think she was just making an observation based on her own contrasting experience growing up, rather than making a criticism. But clearly it has hit a nerve with you because, I'm guessing, you feel like you go too far with your children sometimes and it upsets you to think someone else thinks that of you too.

Well if I am not scary then I would assume they have unresolved issues, just because someone says something doesn't make it true and there is no need to turn dramatic over it

If it is wrong change if you want if not move on

“What do you mean by that?” Would have been my response.

Your update is good, OP. I think it's positive that you and your SIL were able to discuss it, and it's good if both of you are using this as an opportunity to reflect on your parenting.

I do think you may have misunderstood 'scary' - you took it to mean that your children are scared of you which would be a negative thing. But she may have meant (like a pp says) that she finds the idea of being firm with people scary, which is more a comment about her than you.

Kind but with boundaries sounds like an excellent aim for all of us as parents.

The correct response is that kids need clear boundaries so you're just providing what they need.

Why take it as a criticism?

Maybe take it as a compliment.

Friends in teaching hold the view that a decline in parental discipline at home is having a massive negative impact on behaviour in classrooms.

Maybe you have the right idea and she doesn't.

Can I ask gently why you habe to try so hard to be kind to your own kids?

i find some of your wording concerning, and it does feel like possibly the sil has climbed down to avoid a family war.

being kind to your kids should be the default, being unkind as default and you need to work to avoid it, is a concern

I just want to say that if she is a gentle sort of person and has said something and risked upsetting /annoying you, maybe she feels very strongly that something needed to be said. You may be offended but it's worth some self reflection of how your strictness may land with a child.

I grew up with parents who were 'strict'. A couple of minor daily examples: I'd be put to bed early, before I was tired and told that if I wasn't asleep in 10 minutes my dad (who always seemed tense, angry and on the edge) would be back to smack me. I wasn't allowed out of bed to go to the loo overnight. I grew up afraid, controlled and anxious. Aunts, uncles, teachers and grandparents knew it was too much and they knew I wasn't happy, (they quietly told me so in my late childhood) but nobody said anything to my parents so they wouldn't offend them.

I wish someone had cared enough or had the guts to say something.

It's good you and SIL were able to clear the air. It's also good that you each found something admirable about the other's parenting style which it sounds as though you could both learn something from. Mind you, sometimes what we learn from other parents is what NOT to do...

We avoid spending time with my BIL + SIL because of their "strict " parenting.

We decided not to go on holiday with them again because we could tolerate them shouting constantly. It's really disruptive to be trying to do anything when an adult is constantly shouting near you. Frankly we don't want our kids around the level of tension they bring

They seem to be a real passion for "because I told you so" and arbitary rules so spend a lot of the time telling their kids what to do, so then it's really easy for the kids to "disobey". Everything is a battle ground with a wrong way to do it. Even simple stuff like why have you put your coat on before your shoes, you must keep your slippers on at all times"

To the extent at christmas I bought a craft activity and felt really bad because the kids got told off repetitively for "doing it wrong" because they weren't decorating them according to the parents preferences. It wasn't shouting just constant "listen" "not like thst" "you're spoiling it" "you need to put these sequins here" "we will pack it away if you don't do it properly" in authoritive tones etc
They asked for a noisy toy for Christmas and we didn't get it because we knew it would be a new battleground of its to early to play with that, too late, not while adults are talking etc

Weve tried to gently have a conversation about it, but now just dont spend much time with them because its too stressful.

We've no idea what to do about it. It's a sad situation all round

Just another perspective, to say she didn't necessarily mean anything negative when she said you are "strict" -

I have in the past referred to my SIL and BIL as "strict" .. .what I mean by that is they are very firm, and are much more able to hold boundaries than me or DH ever seem to manage. (I don't mean strict in the sense of shouting constantly, having endless arbitrary rules and not letting kids be kids). When I say they are strict, it's not a bad thing in my book, it's a GOOD thing! I am envious of how they are, and I'm always subtly observing to see if I can pick up some tips.