To be so upset at SIL saying I was strict with my children and she finds it ‘scary’

[MakeEconomyScream]

Am away on holiday with DB, SIL and their children. I am here without DP but with my DC. I have always had a lovely relationship with SIL…until today! We were talking on a walk when she started saying her dad was very relaxed and so was she but my DB was a bit stricter with the DC. She said my parents were strict with me and my DB/DS. I agreed and then she said (TWICE - so obviously really wanted to say it): ‘you’re strict with your children and I find it a bit scary’. OUCH. I wanted to cry. I may be strict - maybe even too strict (who knows?) - I’m muddling my way through a full time job, two young children (one of whom doesn’t sleep, the other of whom is pretty challenging at times) and away for a week without my DP. If she really thought this couldn’t she just slag me off to my DB rather than hit me in the gut with her words? I feel really uncomfortable being around her now and am questioning my parenting and myself. Is this what she wanted? (For context, she has said similar to me about my DSis and her partner before, but to my knowledge has never said it to their faces)

Maybe she is embarrassed that because your children are better behaved than hers because you are stricter with them?

I was strict, never shouted. My sister wasn't, we were completely opposite. Just do what you want, thats the advice my mum gave me when I had kids.

Good on you for being strict, can we have some tips please! I'm a disaster, and just lucky my kids mostly well behaved. I somehow have lost control. I'd say you're doing something right!

Yeah, I would be asking for examples. Maybe you are scary strict. Or maybe she’s just an earth mother who is so in tune with her kids they don’t need rules and doesn’t understand why the rest of us can’t be as cool as her.

NO one can say if UABU or N because we do not know anything about how you treat your children.

I voted YABU as you should feel more secure in your parenting. If she has intimated similar about other family members, she's the one with the issue not you!

My 14 year old wanted to meet a friend earlier. She said let's meet at KFC. Her friend wasn't allowed to meet at KFC if she went in KFC she would get her phone and tv removed. The message said you don't know my mum. Don't be that mum.

"Scary"? Is she 12?

I'd also ask for examples. Are her children similar ages? It's worth reflecting on but also ask yourself what you think of her parenting too. Is there some parenting conflict going on here where there are different approaches to things on the holiday?

We've been described as strict by some of the in laws. I've refused to go to certain places with them because they aren't strict enough. Road safety, car safety, water safety are non negotiables for me and yes I would raise my voice to a child who ran into a road, ran into open water on their own or wouldn't wear a seatbelt. Last time we were out with them their 4 year old was nearly hit by a car.

I'm sure some of my friends thought I was too strict when my kids were little but they were literally fearless and I needed to keep them alive! Learning boundaries is good for children (and some need firmer boundaries than others).

I muddled through doing what I thought was right. I didn't always get it right but overall it worked out OK. I find I rarely have to use strict mode now they're older. I'm not sure if it's because I got the foundations right or if they would have calmed down anyway.

I have noticed that some of the kids who had very gentle parents who never said no to them are now quite snowflakey and can't stick at jobs, courses etc. Of course that might have happened anyway.

Anyway I would rather people thought I was scary than a wet lettuce.

Different children respond well to different parenting approaches. I'd ignore SIL's perception and focus on your own children and how you feel that you and they interact.

The worry with overly strict parenting is that you make them anxious, unconfident and afraid to take risks for fear of being censored. I actually don't think it's the worst thing in the world for kids to push boundaries sometimes and have to be reminded that they are there, because that is part of how they learn to interact confidently with others. The ones who never push boundaries, who always hang back, would worry me more. That said, obviously you don't want to go to the other extreme and have children who have never had any boundaries whatsoever imposed and so struggle with acceptable social behaviour.

If your children are happy, confident, not afraid to take some risks and know that they are loved and can come to you with any problems they have, then your approach is working. If they're afraid of telling you things (like they've had an accident or broken something) because they're afraid of your reaction or they're nervous or on eggshells around you, then you should reassess things. And while no one is the perfect parent and most of us shout sometimes, ideally shouting wouldn't be the first response to misbehaviour as opposed to a gentle but clear reminder that they are crossing a boundary.

Would you ask her for parenting advice?

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I told my DB and and asked if he thought I could approach his wife about what she’d said. He then went and told her himself and she came and apologised and said it wasn’t what she meant, that she had meant that I have boundaries and stick to them and that she really admired that. Tbh I’m not sure that’s really the whole story as the ‘scary’ thing was unnecessary if it were. She did say she saw herself as a pushover and I wonder if classing me as scary for my approach makes her feel more secure in her ‘pushover-ness’. I have to say I don’t think she’s a pushover, just a kind and very patient mum. I would have said I try and emulate her parenting to a certain degree. I don’t shout at my kids very often at all, but i could be kinder sometimes. This is something I have always worked on.
Regardless of whether what she said is accurate or not, it has made me think about how to improve further as a parent, which is a good thing. I would just never dream of commenting to someone who is obviously really trying on their parenting like that.

The word scary may be confusing for you but I can believe her explanation. I’m a therapist and I have had clients describe the thought of putting in boundaries with people as terrifying, that it would destroy their relationships, that it would mean they were terrible people. So I get that it’s scary. She may have an admiration but also a fear that she can’t remove from the way she talks about it. For me, the use of the word strict stood out, as that carries negative connotations. But I think the fact she’s sought you out, tried to clarify and tried to reassure you it wasn’t a judgement is all positive. Time will tell.

Everyone takes everything as criticism these days. Sometimes a comment's just that - a comment. It doesn't have to be good or bad. Are you stricter than her? If so, the comment's true. Where's the problem?

Do you feel you know what you're doing?

If so, crack on and don't listen to her.

I rarely question my parenting decisions and I wouldn't let a comment like that from anyone bother me.

Are you scary OP? Food for thought.

Is she using the 'you' to mean both of you?

Could she be trying to broach the subject that she is scared of how her husband treats the children when there aren't any witnesses?

@MakeEconomyScream you said she said your parents are strict with you. Is that a current thing? As you’re an adult and they should have zero control or say over your life and parenting/adult decisions.

I’d much rather be a stricter parent who sets boundaries than a parent who has no boundaries and their child walks all over them.

i know a couple who don’t say no, their child rules the house and their child makes the decisions on where they want to go what they want to eat etc, they say they are scared to set boundaries in case their child doesn’t like them! This child is 4!

I also know an 8yr old who has had no boundaries and parents are regretting the choices they have made.

Are you always very over sensitive? ‘Strict’ doesn’t mean abusive!
FWIW strict is better than wishy washy gentle. If your kids are well behaved, respectful and disciplined you are doing fine.

Ahhh so she is a parent without boundaries.
That is crap.
Children respect and need boundaries.
Children without them tend to be a nightmare.
How on earth will they ever know right from wrong?
How can they behave at school? Or in society for that matter.
Letting children do as they please us wrong.
If children were capable of making their own decisions then we wouldn’t need laws to protect them would we?
They would be able to di as they please from a very young age.
Goodness me society needs more parents like you op and fewer like your sil.

Could she have meant scary as in 'I wouldn't mess with you you clearly mean business' as in a compliment that you're taken seriously when she isn't? Only you know the tone of voice.

When most people comment on others like that it's a jealousy thing- she is probably jealous that you have children that behave.

Unless YOU think there's a chance your children might be scared of you then I wouldn't give it any more thought

Thanks for your update.
That's so positive.

In truth, from the OP, I thought your interpretation of what she said was quite different from what I "heard" her say, from your description.
But this is a classic case of - keeping in mind you said "I've always had a lovely relationship with SiL" - why on earth you didn't ask her what she meant at the time.

This all depends on how old your children are and what you mean by “strict”. I have firm boundaries and rules with my own young children but the word “strict” sounds nasty in the context of young children. If you discipline in a way that isn’t age appropriate then that could be something to reflect on.