To be so upset at SIL saying I was strict with my children and she finds it ‘scary’

[MakeEconomyScream]

Am away on holiday with DB, SIL and their children. I am here without DP but with my DC. I have always had a lovely relationship with SIL…until today! We were talking on a walk when she started saying her dad was very relaxed and so was she but my DB was a bit stricter with the DC. She said my parents were strict with me and my DB/DS. I agreed and then she said (TWICE - so obviously really wanted to say it): ‘you’re strict with your children and I find it a bit scary’. OUCH. I wanted to cry. I may be strict - maybe even too strict (who knows?) - I’m muddling my way through a full time job, two young children (one of whom doesn’t sleep, the other of whom is pretty challenging at times) and away for a week without my DP. If she really thought this couldn’t she just slag me off to my DB rather than hit me in the gut with her words? I feel really uncomfortable being around her now and am questioning my parenting and myself. Is this what she wanted? (For context, she has said similar to me about my DSis and her partner before, but to my knowledge has never said it to their faces)

The only reason I would have to ever raise this with someone is if I thought their actions were detrimental to their children.

It sounds like you have an otherwise good and healthy relationship with SIL, maybe she genuinely is trying to help you see that (in her opinion) your not being the best parent you could be.

Sounds like a weird conversation! People don't usually direct comments on parenting styles directly to their friends and family unless it's an extreme situation.

If she feels she has something to say that could genuinely help, she should have given specific examples. If she tries to bring it up again, I'd be prepared to ask what exactly she means, and if you're satisfied with how you parent, I'd tell her just that. Different people parent differently, and who is she to say which way is best?

I think I’m pretty sensitive but this comment really wouldn’t bother me. I think you’re taking it waaay too personally.

I would like to think I'm a strict parent. There are parents who I think are far too soft and weak and so if they said I was strict I'd think "good". There are others I think do a great job of being strict but in a calm, firm way. If they said it, I'd be worried they thought I was too shouty or something and it would concern me.

What do you think of her parenting? What do you think of your sister's parenting?

There's no one right way to parent - she might think you're too strict and you might think she's too lax, but you could still both be excellent parents.

I may have had an emotional dump there. So, OP, you might be scary, it might be her stuff. If you've concerns about yourself then have a think and reflect. If you think it's her issue then I'd just let it go.

Only you know @MakeEconomyScream whether you regularly lose control and shout. I don't believe anyone should be be shouting unless it is an emergency.

Has something happened on the holiday that has brought it to her notice?

Are you struggling with both kids without your husband there?

I think sometimes when with others I could be over strict so that my kids wouldn't seem a nuisance?

I probably haven't worded that well.

Something that you might not bother about at home but with others about you feel perhaps you should pull them up on it?

Your post seems a bit of a contradiction. You want her to talk about you behind your back but not to your face, yet feel the need to point out that you think she did exactly that with about your sister and her partner.

Maybe take a step back and think about what you are like. You’re on holiday with several other adults so presumably there is some form of support from them (even if it’s just someone to keep an eye on the children whilst you do something) and you aren’t at work. Usually people who are shouty around others are thought to be worse when people can’t hear them. Are you worse?

You’ve taken this quite personally.

Strict is not necessarily a bad thing. Are you worried you’re scaring your children?

Maybe your strictness is having an impact on the holiday.
Do you still have rigid bed times on holiday? Are your kids allowed to do the same things as the other children?

Or maybe the SIL's lack of discipline is having an impact on the holiday and she's projecting.

Maybe although the op does admit she’s strict. And ponders maybe too strict.

Unless ur an absolute tyrant I wouldn’t really take much notice. Everyone parents differently. I think one of my SILs is a bit strict snd im pretty sure she thinks I’m not strict enough and my kids are allowed to re amok. Ur right we r all muddling along as best we can. No one is the perfect parent

Sounds like this is a conflict in her own marriage - your brother is strict and she is relaxed - and she is blaming it on your wider family's parenting style.

I think if it was me I'd speak to my brother and ask him honestly are you too strict or scary?

Maybe she was trying to say 'I think I'm too soft and I'm insecure about it so I'm going make a fuss about you being really strict to try and bring up a conversation about parenting and make myself feel better'

I'd wait until you cool down a bit and just ask her to elaborate. As parents sometimes it takes an outsider to point something out before we see it ourselves or she could be too lenient. It's best to get answers. My parents were strict on us growing up and I definitely believe it affected my self confidence. I was never allowed out after school and wasn't allowed to go to the shops/cinema ect with friends. It wasn't until I mentioned it recently (20 years later) that my parents noticed. They were completely oblivious.

Depends on the definition of strictness.

If it’s being harsh, or raising voices or shouting at a child for every little thing, then it’s too strict. If it’s constantly telling your child to behave and threatening punishments, then it’s too strict. If it’s not accepting that children can be unpredictable and excitable, then it’s too strict. If you are over-regimented with your child, then it’s too strict.

OP, I always think that if someone says something to you and it makes you feel uncomfortable like this, there's probably truth in it*. Maybe take some time to reflect and consider if perhaps you are a bit scary in your parenting.

• For example, today someone messaged me to criticise me and accuse me of being various unpleasant things. It didn't affect me at all because their accusations were ridiculous and I know that are wrong.

I would ask the kids.

@MakeEconomyScream

I wonder 🤔 if she is just a snowflake type ❄️

Who's idea of strictness is just a parent being firm and assertive with boundaries and not being a push over?

My mum was strict and as a grown up my cousin told me my mum scared her a bit. Yes she definitely was strict and I got the odd smack ( in the 60's) but that is not my main memory of her. My cousins parents liked to party and would take their kids with them and just let them crash out when they were tired. My mum was definitely not a party animal and my days had more structure of the " tea, bath story bedtime " to them.
Probably as a kid I would have preferred the " fun" parents but as a grown up I think my childhood was great.
With my own son I followed some of my mums ways and ditched some. He's an adult now and he told me that he thought my " discipline " techniques were about right. He said he felt listened to, loved and supported but he absolutely knew where the line was and that I would follow through with any sanctions if he crossed it. But what made me laugh out loud was his comments but " omg mum, you had some seriously killer looks" .

What does she mean by strict? How do you discuss behaviour expectations, what are your red lines and how do you react when they do not do what you want?

Meh. I’m sure my sister and bil would say dh and I are strict. Our kids, however, are exceptionally well behaved in public (not always for us at home!) and are often complimented. My nephews are not so well behaved and can’t be trusted in restaurants for example - even at the age of 8 and 10. So, I’ll take being thought of as strict and raise decent human beings!

As PP have said, strict is very open to interpretation. Using the word scary is perhaps a bit more considered.

The questions for me are
Do you shout at your DC when you could ask something positively and in a normal voice?
Are your DC scared of you?
Do your DC think you have a scary temper?
Do you shout more than other parents?
Do you say no more than yes?

As long as you can say no to the above, you have nothing to worry about..

I would be inclined to ask her what she meant by scary so you can reflect in whether you were overboard or she's too sensitive. How is her parenting? I am firm and had a friend of a friend comment similar to your silbbut her kids are feral and she lets them do what she wants, not allowed to hear the word no. Tbh I laughed and said I'm taking that as a compliment as we have extremely different parenting styles. I think she got offended but that was slightly my point. Have a think on how you parent and if your comfortable in yourself that you are happy with how you treat your children then don't think much of what she said. But I would have a conversation about it as I would be angry if that's something she's repeating to people. Maybe ask your brother for objective opinion?