To be afraid of teenage boys

[JustanAunt]

This is something that is starting to affect my life.

I have a dog that I obviously take on frequent daily walks but everytime i see a group of teenage boys, its like my blood runs cold and i start to internally panic. No one would think I was having a fear response by looking at me as I am a calm person (on the outside), but I can feel my anxiety growing when I take my dog out

Heres my basic reasoning as to why I find them scary:

1. they are physically stronger than me, especially in a group
2. they are immature and prone to do and say stupid things
3. they can egg each other on in a group and seem to want to appear tough or funny, so I fear things escalating as no one in the group would want to be the one to de-escalate

I have had some run ins with local teens, nothing physical, just having insults hurled at me.

Am I alone in this weirdly specific phobia? I try and avoid them, but doesn’t always work (such as last night when they were circling the area outside my flat entrance), just feels a little pathetic as a grown woman

If it were up to me I'd make a law prohibiting groups of teens from congregating together in public places

I am glad it is not up to you.
Mother of 2 boys.

Oh I can relate. I had this fear too.
My dog has passed now but honestly the teenagers aren't paying any attention to you.
When I've bumped into them occasionally they've actually been really apologetic! They generally don't bother anyone unless you bother them.
I dated a guy a few years ago who lived in a rough London estate and I was terrified of walking through there alone (this is pre dog). I told him such and his words really helped me. He said- "you're dehumanising people. They're not bothered about you".
It made me change my thought process. Because none of them even batted an eyelid at me.
You'll be ok op. I sympathise but try not to worry too much.

As a teenager/younger adult i used to get loads of grief from groups of teenage boys: mainly about race and weight. Now I'm a forty something I really have tried to assume I'm invisible to them: sadly this hasn't played out and I still get lots of random abuse if I happen to walk by a group of "lads". I'm mother to a boy now and would really hope he has the strength of character to not fall into this group mentality.

Also, weirdly never seem to experience issues in "rougher" areas. It always seems to be in the suburbs/"nice" towns.

I would carry an alarm and spray.
And fo my best to reframe them as children. They are mostly just that. Not set out to hurt you but nonetheless I would have the same reaction as you.

I find teenage girls more intimidating.

More likely to threaten you ‘what you looking at?’ and all that. My DCs know what bullies to avoid and they’re all girls.

I am invisible to teenage boys and therefore feel very safe amongst them.

I think groups of teen boys can be like that, OP, but I think that they vary hugely. If you get used to watching them, some groups are nerdy and courteous. I quite enjoy looking for 'markers' of which ones are truly scary and which ones are non-scary. I'm not telling my 'markers', you can find your own!
I really do think they are a varied bunch if you get to observe them for a while.

I used to a bit until I had my own teenagers. Most teenage boys are loud and silly but perfectly nice if you start talking to then.

Obviously this is different a gang culture, drugs type area where they may not be typical teens. But on the whole they are pretty harmless, especially around non threatening adults.

Maybe your work in criminal justice has coloured your opinion - the vast majority of teenage boys are harmless and it's unfair to treat them all as if they're potential criminals!

I was attacked by a group of teenage boys on a bus when I was a teenager so I'm also automatically weary of them when I'm out.

I don't say they all are. But I do think there is a bit of naivety here. I wouldn't be that pleased or happy it my teenager was in a park, being rude to women, and I note also there are a lot of comments here to the effect that if you show street presence or don't look vulnerable you will be fine. That's not fine.

OP, I do understand what you mean and why it worries you, but I think you should try and challenge your stereotype.

Yes, of course, some groups of teenagers are immature and will shout abuse/ insults or whatever at passers by - they are just being stupid and probably don't have much better to do with their time (fault of the Tory government as much as anything). They are not actually going to hurt you and are probably looking for a reaction or something to do for a laugh, so you can just ignore them.

Don't let it tar your view of all teenagers. A lot of them are lovely. Even the ones hanging around in gangs.

Work on your 'resting bitch face' and walk with confidence. Most groups of teenage boys are just after making each other laugh, so if they shout out after you or call names, turning a sarcastic bitch face on them will make them fall about with laughter, slap one another's shoulders - but they will, by and large, leave you alone.

Another good way of taking the wind out of their sails is to eyeball one of them and say 'oh, hello, Simon, how's your mum?' and then walk off. They will all turn on 'Simon' (who doesn't even need to be called Simon) baffled by why you seem to know him but get his name wrong. Plus there is almost certain to be a Simon in the group, who will then face a LOT of awkward questioning...

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat That is a funny strategy, I like it 😅Although I don't think many teenagers are called Simon these days. It's more of a millennial name!

I do know what you mean.

In case it helps, weirdly I found that smiling at them briefly, and maybe saying "morning" like I would if I passed anyone else has a strangely civilising effect!

I don't know whether it's because it makes them feel grown up, they don't expect to be treated with casual politeness and respect like adults, it shows no fear, I remind them of their mum or teacher, or it just confuses them(!) but it also works to calm my fear as most of the time they'll smile back or just freeze a bit and it takes all the fear of the unknown and unpredictability out of the situation.

Just a thought.

Other names are available. I just picked on Simon.... There are, I have to say, a lot of teenage Simon's around here.

Hmmm. Afraid maybe not, OP, but Aware.
However, if it was possible on reaching adulthood just to shut the door of my apartment and retire,
I would have done. So that may play a part. 😁

I sometimes feel the same. It doesn't help that the fashion (here at least) is to dress all in black, faces covered, so they look quite intimidating. I saw one with a full balaclava the other day, walking through the park. It was a cold day, but it was unnerving.

YABU. It is like saying ;I am afraid f black men' would that be acceptable

I dont. My German Shep makes me feel safe.

If someone had had a traumatic experience with them it wouldn't be unreasonable. People can't help reactions based on experience. That doesn't mean you treat anyone poorly but it does mean you exercise caution based on your own past experiences.

No I don't. I like teenagers. I've never experienced anything but friendliness from them.

I was threatened by a group of them the other day whilst I was with 3 kids. A group of about 7 or 8 15/16 year old boys were pushing in to the queue so I said “please don’t push in” to which they replied “what are you going to do about it?” I said I wasn’t going to deal with them personally, I would just call staff over and their response was “we can all deal with you, if you know what I mean”.
Luckily I managed to get a member of staff over though she didn’t actually care that they were threatening me, more that they didn’t have a booking for the place. 😳

It really depends on the group eg a group of boys hanging around and obviously trying their best to look tough (usually all dressed in grey/black for some reason)- yep Im pretty scared of those but a group of boys kicking a football about or skate boarding, I don't feel at all scared and in my experience these groups tend to mind their own business.

This is a good example; wtf? A group of boys being really shitty to a woman and her kids. I think a lot of people just take this for granted that it's normal for teenage boys to be dismissive to women.