To be afraid of teenage boys

[JustanAunt]

This is something that is starting to affect my life.

I have a dog that I obviously take on frequent daily walks but everytime i see a group of teenage boys, its like my blood runs cold and i start to internally panic. No one would think I was having a fear response by looking at me as I am a calm person (on the outside), but I can feel my anxiety growing when I take my dog out

Heres my basic reasoning as to why I find them scary:

1. they are physically stronger than me, especially in a group
2. they are immature and prone to do and say stupid things
3. they can egg each other on in a group and seem to want to appear tough or funny, so I fear things escalating as no one in the group would want to be the one to de-escalate

I have had some run ins with local teens, nothing physical, just having insults hurled at me.

Am I alone in this weirdly specific phobia? I try and avoid them, but doesn’t always work (such as last night when they were circling the area outside my flat entrance), just feels a little pathetic as a grown woman

OP I can see where you're coming from. I had an incident where a bunch of teen boys started surrounding me on bicycles saying "Fuck off to Pakistan" (I am am a white woman), another incident where a young male started sexually harassing me as I was walking along a suburban road (he stopped when his mate said "leave her alone, she's doing nothing to you") another, where I was walking back from the gym, and a lad accused me of of being a "fat fucking bitch" in front of his mates (who thought that this was hilarious); a (very young) male kid tried to grab me while I was out running. I accept that a lot of this was was bravado but it is extremely intimidating. I don't know what the answer is but I feel your pain xx

have you tried smiling and saying good evening?

The thing is, we have all had horrible encounters with other people of various demographics, but we don't allow ourselves to tar huge categories of people with the same brush the way we do with teenagers. I have had multiple elderly women be unbelievably rude to me, especially when parenting young children in public. I don't fear or avoid elderly women or expect them all to be nasty - that's prejudice. For some reason it's deemed acceptable to demonise adolescents in a way that would definitely be frowned on for any other group. It's really quite tough and dispiriting to be a teenage boy in our society. They know they are unwelcome and disliked.

Being submissive is the worst thing you can do. Look them in the eye- they are less likely to have a go if they think you are going to have a go back. Billy big bollocks doesn't want to risk you making him look like a tit in front of his mates.

This!

I do understand where you're coming from but having 3 teenage boys myself and dealing with a multitude of their friends, the vast vast majority are harmless. They look much scarier than they are and its highly unusual they'll even notice you.

It is a crap society though that we live in where boys are demonised.

What utter rubbish 🙄 as the mother of 5 boys (men now) I've been around a lot of groups of teenage boys! They might get a bit loud and boisterous in groups but they have all been generally sweet, good natured, funny and kind. Don't make such ridiculous generalisations!

I'm more afraid of dogs than teenage boys.

I appreciate that some may be intimidating and can be extremely ill mannered and behaved in public, so I do understand what you mean. Although just recently in a busy train station 3 (taller than me) teenage boys helped me down a huge flight of stairs with a couple of bags as I’m heavily pregnant and had a toddler. Initially on their approach to me i was cautious but I was grateful and it taught me not to be so quick to judge. I think it depends on the nature of the teens as it does any adult around you. It’s good to be cautious though.

I'm a mother of a teenage boy and I don't think you are being judgemental.
I don't like walking past a bunch of teens either and neither does my son.

Parents of teens are usually always criticised for letting their kids sit indoors on games all day. So they get sent out and about. And guess what? There's fuck all for them to do.

You probably pass many groups of teens out and about, and you've had 3 times where they've shouted something at you. So actually, groups of teens arent an issue are they?

@Noseybookworm - worked in criminal justice; teenage boys were often the greatest source of problems to others and to each other.

Yes it was the severe end of knife carrying and gang crime. It's attending muggings, beatings and stabbings. Not grown men but teenage boys.

Also on the guff on street presence; well raised kids don't do that to virtual strangers. Brittle teenagers do, with no better place to go do this.

I completely agree with this, and I hate that I have this type of bias, as you are right, it’s completely unacceptable for other demographics. I just don’t know how to change my mindset

For people saying I should greet them kindly, or address them in some way, I did try that once.

my first interaction with the horrible lot in my area so I wasn’t as wary, one of them asked if he could whisper someone in my dogs ear. I was confused but said yes, he roughly grabbed my dog, to which I told him to get off her (she’s a tiny terrier), then he said something like ‘your dog just told me that you’re ugly) and they all ran off laughing. I was completely shaken by this, not because of what he said (I know I ain’t a looker, nor would I expect 16 years to think so) but the fact they had circled me and touched my dog like that, the next time I saw them they shouted about me being a fat piece of shit.

I guess it just ‘feels’ like teenagers are more likely to do something as randomly mean as that, and also most adults don’t congregate in groups like that, other than in the pub. Ultimately the answer may just be that we need more things for teenagers to do with their time. There’s literally nothing for them in the town I live in.

I’m not sure I’m even accusing them of being the issue, my issue is my fear response to them and why I think that way. I absolutely know logically that most teenagers are wonderful people just trying to figure out their way in life. I was also one of them once, though I was the sit at home playing games type

They appear a lot more menacing than they actually are.

Mind your own business, no eye contact, look like you know where you are going and what you are doing.

I worked with teens for 14 years - they are hilarious, finding their way in the world - they are excellent at sniffing out fear and can be outrageously arrogant, rude and clueless at times.

You were once their age … do not let them intimidate you 😂

OP it's reasonable fear, because of what happened. You were just minding your own business.

Those kids were shits

I feel sorry for our local supermarket staff who have to deal with them every day. The brazen shoplifting, breaking windows etc got so bad they they've now got a 7ft security guard on the door. The group that hung around there didn't pay any attention to the PCSOs.

My 9 year old son is wary of groups of teens (he can't imagine being that old!) He recognises the signs that some groups are to be avoided.

How awful! No wonder people are fearful.

You are being quite unreasonable and unfair.
Young people have to be somewhere and in the absence of anything for them to do, they hang around.

That being said, I’m not a fool, there are misbehaving teens, some are frankly dangerous, but they are in the minority and I do find if you mind your own business and keep yourself to yourself, then you will be fine.

I do wish we could move away from hating teenage boys though. If they are treated like unwanted members of society then what can we expect when they start to behave like that.

Noooo. I did grow up on a rough council estate though. I sometimes walk past groups of teenage boys trying to give the impression of being tough when walking my dog. On more than one occasion I get them coming over to pet my very cute spaniel who loves the fuss. One was even showing me pictures of his new puppy. The cloud of candy floss scented vape also makes them seem less intimidating 😂

YANBU.

I weirdly feel better when I'm with my toddler if i pass by a group of teenagers. Perhaps because I feel as though they won't say anything directed at me, if he's with me. I'm sure there are still some that would though!

Do you live in a particularly dangerous area?

It sounds like you have an issue with this specific group, rather than teens in general. Given their frankly odd behaviour, I think it's understandable to be wary of them- but I don't think it's fair to generalise to all teenagers.

Do you know which school they go to? If so, it may be worth contacting their school and explaining the incidents- it may not help, but the school could at least remind them that things that seem harmless or a joke to them can seem intimidating to others?

This makes me so sad both as the mother of two really young boys - it's horrible to know this is how they'll be perceived in ten years - but also as a woman, who recognises this and know that lots of women would and it's because of their own experiences, not a baseless fear and feels sad that this is how women have to move through the world. For me it's actually all groups of men, not just teenage ones. In practice I am normally pretty much invisible to/ignored by them now - I'm pushing 40 and usually accompanied by a small child - but I can't get past the automatic tensing up to expect the harassment that I got so, so frequently as a teen and in my early 20s.

I think that once you have encountered a group of teens behaving badly, you can not help the feeling that large groups of teens are bad. I would suggest a self defence class/therapy to teach yourself methods to cope.

Teenagers are not inherently bad, however there are some groups of teens that are more prone to ASB, if you live locally, you usually know which ones they are and the areas they frequent.

Depends where you live. If there are groups or gangs in your borough you might feel intimidated. I don't feel that, having had teen boys, I'm just not bothered and wouldn't feel intimidated. If I was in a known inner London borough that I didn't know at 10pm at night, I guess I'd feel differently.