To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

You are entitled to DLA. Please apply for your children. My son is Autistic and has emotional needs and he receives it xx

Get the DLA forms. Fill them in and get supporting evidence from the school and GP. Send off and wait for decision. Move on and forget the inheritance stuff.

It’s shit what you’d DF has done..

but you’re very angry about a lot it seems and you’re being incredibly rude to people pointing out that this is your life you need to sort it out. No one can assume inheritance that’s absolutely ridiculous!! You’re not entitled to anyone else’s money regardless of what was promised.

You need to spend some time thinking up a side hustle or you need to get a second job to do in the hours your DH isn’t working.

You have to let your bitterness go… that’s not going to help you. I struggle to see how what you’ve said adds up tbh.

Figure it out because otherwise you’ll just be angry forever and that’s no way to live!

That’s wrong - my son has had DLA/PIP all his life for a major cardiac defect, and he has been through mainstream primary and secondary school, and is now at uni and is still in receipt of it.

I didn’t vote as honestly I didn’t know how.

I feel for you, I really do. If all had gone to plan there is a good chance (not guaranteed), you would be financially better off now than you are. You have both worked hard and the financial fruits are still to fully show. Your parents generation would have done really well whereas maybe our generation it is not. You’ve done everything that should have secured a better financial feeling. I’m also feeling annoyed, I can’t afford to take my family away on holiday, they haven’t been on a boat or plane. We both work FT and I have two jobs and my DH works a lot of OT. Our cars are also on their last legs and we need / would like a larger home. We have also worked non stop and studied since I can remember.

However nothing in life is guaranteed, even inheritance. Some would inherit all being well, but it is spent on care homes, gambling, in home care, parents taking out equity loans which wipe everything out - you name it. Or just simply, people change wills and don’t tell people. No one can presume they will inherit any sum of money and I think it healthier to assume you won’t get anything and if you do great. This can be difficult to balance when it is a parent or someone has given an express wish. Sadly it must have legal backing. Money does funny things to people.

Can you move to a cheaper area or have any chance to claim any money back? Do look at what you do have, two healthy children and a healthy husband - and your health. People near me are losing their spouses before they’re 38. Carrying anger never ends well, good luck.

I'm so sorry OP. Very similar things have happened in my and DH's families, so much wealth in previous generations has been squandered and taken by people who shouldn't have got it. Whereas our grandparents and parents lived quite wealthy lives, it's all gone, and we, my siblings & DH's siblings have been left with nothing, left to struggle. When I think about, and sometimes my siblings & I mention it, and it makes us mad. But ultimately we're resigned to it, we forge our own lives, and generally try not to think about it. We just think that the previous generations have been very selfish and foolish and uncaring, that's their problem, we'll make our own way. It's shit OP, I know, I empathise entirely x

Have you heard of Olio? It’s an app where people give good items (clothes, household items, food) away for free! I have put a good few items on there over the last few years. It’s a really nice community. You’d be able to look for things like a new coat, free food etc. it’s really
good and designed to help families get through tough times and reduce waste.

I’m not having a go at you but you are asking for advice on an anonymous site. People asking how much you earn and what your outgoings are isn’t unusual and hardly likely yo out you.
I know some of the comments have been harsh and uncalled for, but if you want genuine advice about your financial situation, you need to provide some information.

Nearly half the people here feel you’re being unreasonable. I do NOT feel you’re being unreasonable.

I know the misery of being promised a gift from my father but watching it being stolen by the current wife. Worse, my father new his wife was wicked and told me to fight for it, if I didn’t receive certain assets. I didn’t fight and feel guilty for not honouring his wishes.

Money makes people dirty, filthy rotten cheats! Your experience of family and their bad choices has shown you the scummy side of life. You’re clearly living in poverty!

However, life has dealt you an unlucky hand and so you have to deal with it. Nobody in your life cares about what they have unfairly cheated you out of so you have to be grateful for what you have!

You have your husband and children and you’re both well educated - put MASSIVE effort into finding new jobs that pay better wages!

When you both focus on increasing your income, you won’t have to struggle so much. You say you’re professional people; I would strongly suggest you see a debt management company - you could just do it yourself but if you’re struggling as much as you say, you sound as if you could do with external help with your income and expenditure budget.

Once you have your expenses under control and you find decent jobs that pay well, you can start making progress and fix up the house one room at a time!

If you work Monday to Friday, you can maybe make a hobby out of doing some DIY and decorating at weekends or evenings for example.

You can do it! Go for it! Forget the thieving, callous family - you don’t need them! Good luck!

PS re your mortgage - find a good mortgage broker, theyre worth their weight in gold

I'd call it being entirely unlucky, with a dysfunctional family to boot.

None of the parents or grandparents had sound relationships or were responsible enough or thought things through.

But then I wouldn't recommend having two children, before you're financially sound, without a plan. You can't base your life on waiting for someone to die and inheriting.

But then again no one anticipated Covid and Lockdowns and financial implications.

However break down the nightmare into chunks you can deal with.

Speak to a financial adviser and/or Citizen's Advice Bureau. Find out if you can or can't afford to keep your home.

If you can't, find out what Gov support is available to you.

If you can, break down all the things wrong with your house into manageable chunks and successes.

It sounds like a very long list.

If it's too overwhelming, I'd go to an Estate agent and find out what I could sell the home for. And see where you could live for a better quality of life.

And then I'd also go back to your universities. If you've paid that much money for a course, you should have work opportunities available to you to be able to afford to live.

I’m sorry your parents were slack and I understand and empathise why you feel bitter about that.
Now, you are both adults, both earning adults. Buck up. Do your kids deserve parents looking backwards? Poppers cost nothing -fix your coat? Your husband needs to google how to fix and mend. I have no creative or diy skills (or good coordination) but plastered a wall thanks to a fab guy who shared whole process on youtube. Turn the water off and take the bath out yourself. Install a shower. Threadbare carpets are fine. Do you have wooden floors under them?

DLA is not income dependent, and children in mainstream can receive it, even for things like speech and language delays.
The paperwork is very long and heart wrenching - you have to focus on the worst and avoid any of the positives, but it sounds like you could maybe benefit. Do you have EHCPs?
Sounds like your jobs may be easily transferable - have you considered moving to a more affordable area in the UK if you’re not already? I appreciate schools will be an issue but you may find something better for you all?
You can tell from your responses how angry you are with your situation, and probably totally exhausted by it also. Add in to the equation children with SEN it becomes even more exhausting and you probably have little brain space left to see a way out of your situation

Yes it does. I work for the DWP.

You can claim DLA for both children and they will not be assessed until they turn 16. All you need to do is gather reports from the school regarding their SEN, and any medical information from medical professionals, then call DLA and apply. You can apply for PIP online, as of this year, so hopefully DLA has also gone digital.

Stop wasting time while you could be applying for DLA and getting some arrears. No more excuses!

I think you could also benefit from speaking to a money adviser/CAB. I also hope you've applied for UC - It's deducted at 55p in the pound and there's also a small income disregard.

You work 30 hours, yet to work full-time would only be an extra 5 or 7 hours a week. You could do an extra 4 hours on the days you don't work to spread the hours out, or add an extra one hour to each 10 hours to make up 11hr shifts.

I also have ND/SEN children. 3 of them. 2 in Primary and 1 in comp. We both work full-time and study. You can definitely do this, O/P. We all do it. You are not alone.

Also, take your Dad to court and take your husband's step-mum to court. You've nothing to lose. Apply for UC, and even if your award is 0 you may very well get legal aid.

Can’t help but feel the op isn’t serious, who can’t afford a coat and would wear something that doesn’t do up for 3 months. You’re either joking, a liar, or completely incapable of managing the money you have.

None of the issues with inheritance are the cause of your financial issues. They might have helped but you really need to let it go, it's done now and you and husband need to work out where all your money is going each month. Times are tough for a lot of people at the moment.

So you and DH work professional jobs, bringing home at least £60k, in a tiny house not in London, and you’re complaining because nobody gave you any free money to make your life easier? You refuse to indicate how much you actually earn, but even on min wage for two on 80 hrs you’d have a decent income and small mortgage. You make life choices, and now you’re raging at the world and people on here who’ve taken time to offer some advice? Maybe take a deep breath and take some personal responsibility for your own lives. Most of us have had no inheritances and just make our own way.

Definitely check the entitled to benefit calculator. Not all benefits are means tested. There nay also be grants available to help with some repairs. Perhaps also contact step change to speak to an adviser about ways you nay be able to release a bit more disposable income that you're not able to see right now. Talk to your energy company as well about what support packages they can offer with your children's needs, especially being able to keep warm enough.

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=e2edae01-281f-42e9-95ba-3903ccb58d3a

Please apply for DLA, you can most definitely get it, it is not linked to income at all and is not allowed to be. My child is in mainstream school and we get High rate care and low rate mobility for her. Have a look on Cerebra for a guide on applying when it's not physical disability, and/or ask school for help or a Carers Resource if there is one near you.

To be fair I've no savings, never owned a home, am never going to be financially comfortable but I did buy a lovely winter coat for a tenner in Scope.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/654a533ce70413000ffc4971/dla1-child-interactive.pdf

dla application form.

I can understand being upset/disappointed at missing out on an inheritance but YABU to blame your current situation on it. As adults you and your husband made choices which have not paid off. Its unfortunate but it happens. Instead of being bitter and resentful, what steps are you and your husband taking to improve your situation?

You absolutely should apply for DLA.

My 11yo son has autism / adhd. In a mainstream primary. 100% attendance. He can walk and talk. But he absolutely 100% needs more care than an average 11yo. He gets DLA.

I also didn’t think he would qualify. He does. You should absolutely apply.

Obsessing over past injustices and disappointments is the road to madness you absolutely have to put that aside so you can focus on improving your present and future. You are two working professionals with a small home and minimal responsibilities. Where is your money going that you can’t move forward on the basics? Document every penny you spend for a month, review and make a financial recovery plan to move you past this.

I can't see how your income is so low if you are both in professional jobs, even if it is the NHS! But seeing as you aren't revealing your income I suspect you know it's pretty decent!

If your house is in a state and tiny then it probably wasn't sold to you for a really high price and assuming you are are no older than in your 30s and a mortgage term to age 70 (a 40 year mortgage ? 🤔) then the repayents must be lowish.

The inheritance thing is frustrating, but since your parents are still alive then you wouldn't in normal circumstances have access to inherited money unil they last one living dies. It's normal for spouses to leave their house to their surviving partner not the children.