To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

I totally agree and when we were making our wills I said as much to the solicitor. Every man I know whose wife died, had a replacement within a year or two.
However, the women I know who became widowed, did not marry again. That’s not a study, just my experience but I was not taking any chances.

I haven't RTFT but that bitterness will eat you up OP and you'll miss precious years being angry about something you can't change. You should get some help about how to reframe this in your mind.

No inheritances here - one poor as church mice side of the family (DH) and one side watching it all drain away in care home fees. But we never planned for it and, in the end, it isn't our money. Can you see that it was your grandmother's money and then your dad's/ILs? It was never yours (those who are saying things like 'why didn't you contest' should realise that you only have a claim if you were financially dependent on the deceased).

We've worked a long time, are now retired and are 'comfortable'. But my new coat this year was from a charity shop (Whistles - £15) and we shop at Aldi. We never get take outs (and never did when we were both working). There are lots of bargains out there and , as PPs have said, ways of getting help.

But in the end it is about making peace with the past and then things will get easier.

OP it’s pretty rubbish that you didn’t inherit from your grandmother when she’d made her intentions clear and it’s a shame your OH got nothing from his parents too. Thing is that it’s done and no amount of bitterness or resentment will change it so I think you do have to try and let it go. Festering over something that won’t change isn’t going to do anything but make you miserable.

Recent cost of living increases are significant and I think they are impacting most people (particularly those with rent or significant mortgages). It is what it is and all you can really do is look at any options you have to increase income and restructure spending.

It’s not unreasonable you are upset about the situation but it’s also not constructive to dwell so you should likely try and stop.

Loads of people make claims about their will that don’t come to fruition, it’s so common. It’s very naive to think that because someone promised to remember you will they will follow through in the actual document.

If it had been OP’s parent I could understand but really the promises meant diddly squat.

OP, I hope this thread isn't making you feel even more wound up about your distressing circumstances.

I think humans often react with scepticism towards other people's distress - it's our way of coping with all the shit in the world.

I wish I had something helpful to suggest. The only infinitesimally tiny and pathetic crumb of potential comfort I can offer is to say that I once spent years struggling to make ends meet, and later in life find myself much more comfortable. This might sound weird, but there was something about the frugality imposed on me that actually, in retrospect, made simple things more meaningful.

Rejoicing in small triumphs is probably made harder by the easier life you had so cruelly and pointlessly dangled over you. I completely understand how difficult it is not to feel angry and resentful about it, but that doesn't help you going forward.

I know you know already this. Wish I could wave a wand and bestow the gift of advanced Zen mastery

I got DLA for my son while he was in a mainstream school. It’s worth looking into, though I obviously don’t know your circumstances.

This is why you should never rely on inheritance, there's no guarantee it'll come your way.

Ultimately it was your decision to have two children. Children are expensive. There's no point moaning that you can't have the lifestyle you want and that you can't afford things. There are plenty of people that can't even afford children or a mortgage in the first place so I don't have much sympathy to be honest, especially when you're complaining about silly things like cupboards and baths!

If your children's additional needs are impacting your ability to work full time then you should absolutely be claiming DLA. DLA is awarded to the child, parental income has no impact on the amount received.

I know many people claiming DLA on behalf of their children, all of whom are in mainstream schools. Reasons vary from physical disability to ADHD, dyspraxia, ASD, etc... depending on the extent of care you provide above and beyond what would be expected, you may even qualify for carers allowance. This is definitely something you should explore.

To give you an idea of amounts, a mid rate care component with a low rate mobility component for two children would equate to around £800 a month.

I’m sorry for your financial difficulties. Sounds like your father has very badly let you down. It must be hard to stop thinking about how upset you are with him when it’s in your face every day how much you are struggling. I appreciate there’s nothing available on the nhs but looking into the ideas of acceptance and gratitude therapy and mindfulness might help? Sorry if that’s not helpful. I would definitely apply for DLA. I know several children who get it, none have a physical disability and all attend mainstream school. It’s about additional care needs. providing care and extra supervision a child without that disability wouldn’t need counts.
hopefully mortgage rates will come down during the year before your fixed rate is up. We used London and country, hopefully you will be able to find a reasonable rate.

I really hope things get easier for you and you find a way to not let it continue to upset you so much because it won’t make it any better but just make your mental health worse and ruin your enjoyment of what you do have. Easier said than done of course.

I think she's just rude and doesn't want to listen to anything unless it screams 'you're a victim'. If she's in a caring role in the NHS, then I sincerely pity the public.

I get it. You're angry and bitter, and need a rant. And I do feel for you. However, what you need is an action plan.

When you have calmed down a bit, maybe address your problems rather than just venting about them. There are options available to you which you either haven't explored, or have simply ignored.

• I can't believe that anyone doesn't prioritise putting money into an NHS pension. You are simply throwing their matched contributions bit down the drainhole every month. So you somehow have to make the money to be able to do this.
• Look into DLA properly
• Read a bit of Martin Lewis and do a proper budget. See where you can save. Maybe repeat your post on there as there will be people with loads of experience of cutting costs and living on a small budget
• Learn some DIY skills, or see if you can swap skills with a friend or neighbour
• Investigate additional income streams (there are plenty out there for small money coming in)
• (maybe) stop accepting that you are at the top of your payscale, and start thinking about the next career move

I'm sure all this comes across as being an annoying twat, but it's meant in a good spirit, and will help you not to sink further into your slough of despond. Good luck!

Strange to be SO hung up on missing out on an inheritance ( and how many people are handed a life changing sum so early ??) and yet seemingly unaware that you might be entitled to DLA for your children !

Can’t help with the inheritance problems I’m afraid as I’m nc with my own family. I do understand the angriness though, there was a tiny property bought to be mine when i was a young child, very complicated childhood which I’m not going into but I had even been in the property. I get to being an adult and have a baby, we are homeless at this point, and now get told the property no longer exists. So that’s the sort of help i have had.

You could try fitting a new bath yourself. You don’t need to retile at all if you get the measurements exactly right. You just put it in place, get the taps right which you already have add some grout between bath and tiles. New baths are not much money at all.

We’ve had to do everything in our house ourselves or will be doing it ourselves.

if you can’t do it yourself buy the bath, correct measurements, then find a handyman to just fit it as described. Will take under two hours and not cost much at all.

There have been loads of inheritance threads and my parents wont give me stuff from adults recently and I'm aware it's half term, but this is wild.

So 10/20? years ago your grandmother said you'd get a quarter of the house, but didn't write a will so it went to her son (standard). He spent it on himself (since it's his money now) and OP went non contact so she's not spoken to him and he's not met their kids (which she also seems to be angry about despite going no contact). OP has also somehow decided that DH's remaining parent also owed them something and them carrying on with their life and remarrying without ringfencing an inheritance for them is a huge slight.
There was a thread recently where an adult child was whinging that her alive parents were living their lives and upsizing their house without giving her a deposit. The core issue seems to be that people are making plans with other people's money.

child with SEN in mainstream school here, they got DLA award for 5 years. it has nothing to do with parents income just child’s needs.

It sounds like you’re being eaten by bitterness and the issue is the relationship with your father.

I think you need to take control over your own finances instead of relying on inheritances.

If you and your husband are in full time employment I’m not sure why you are so skint?

Well you’re wrong there.

I’ve just read your rude replies to people, I’m not surprised your dad gave you nothing, you really just got what you deserved.

So sorry OP, sounds awful - no wonder you are pissed off. Things you might be able to do, to make it less bad;

• Work in a private hospital, where pay is better.
• Change career for a few years, to something better paid or less stressful.
• Go on antidepressants, so you at least feel less terrible, even if the unfair circumstances stay the same.
• Pay less of your energy bills, at least until your children are a bit older.
• Know that almost everyone is in the same boat re cost of living crisis at least.

None of these are great but after x amount of years of tories, you might find the less-than-ideal actually makes life more bearable x

Wow, I would be so bitter as well, that's awful behaviour from your father and father in law and his girlfriend. No wonder you are bitter, I'm so sorry.

OP You need to put in claims for DLA at the very least, your children could be entitled to £233 between them per month on the very lowest rate and that's with no mobility.

It sounds like this could make a massive positive difference to their lives. Please also ask their school to apply for EHCPs for them or you can apply yourself to get them some extra help in education, these last until they are 25 so well into further education.

Please also look into working tax credits/universal credit and use a calculator to see what you may be able to claim.

Can i also suggest going on the credit crunch threads here they are so full of brilliant advice and they are very helpful and not judgy.

I’ve only read your posts OP so not sure if this has been suggested already but with regards to your kitchen cupboard doors.

you should be able to peel off the laminate coating and then repaint them. I know paint costs money but it may help to at least have the kitchen looking a bit better
Paint cupboards

Right - so you relied pretty much on 'free' money and now you're so angry you've messed up your own life so much that you've stopped your children having a relationship with their grandfather. Bloody hell, the sense of entitlement is mind-boggling. So you'll not only live in a horrible house, you'll also let yourself stew in your own bitterness. Your poor kids!

Of course you are reasonable to feel resentful. Your lives are stressful and anxiety inducing. You've clearly had your fill.

Just read your update about DLA. My friend gets the full amount for her son and he attends mainstream school. He's super bright and super active. You should definitely apply. She doesn't even need the money. Its a nice top up, so you should definitely apply for it.

Honestly you are coming across as totally and utterly entitled here. I understand why you're getting a hard time. I think it's fine to be disappointed the inheritance didn't pan out but you need to move on. It doesn't sound like you get on with any of your family now so I'd move somewhere cheaper and start again . Lots of people never get a penny of inheritance and don't live it poverty. You shouldn't let this define your life. There will be ways to improve your situation .