To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

If the OP and her husband have both been to university to train in professional roles and now work in the NHS as stated, I am assuming they are both in clinical roles. Most clinical roles start at Band 5, the top spine point of which is £35.5k (full time). Some roles will automatically progress to Band 6 after an NQ period but if theirs aren’t roles that do that then they are likely on a combined income of maybe 58-65k given the OP works slightly less than full time. More if they have roles that elevate to Band 6 after a set period.

DLA is not means tested. It’s worth looking into at least?

I understand that you feel angry op but you need to let this rage and bitterness go.

It can't be having a good effect on your kids.

A lot of people struggle now because housing costs are so high. If you bought more than 10/15 years ago, it's gone up loads since and even two professionals can struggle, there's not much left over for anything else. The rent on my house would be over 3 times my mortgage. With a 25% deposit, it would be more than the rent. It's all down to luck and timing, not judgement! So I can see how OP is struggling, even though I'm not in that position myself. I wish people would have more empathy on here. How is the SE function if all the keyworkers move out due to the cost of living? And having two children with SEN is draining, I wish people would have more sympathy.

I think inheritance can never be certain until it's in your bank account. But it's natural to wonder and hope.
I think you sound rich in terms of loved ones and work. Our homes didn't look as shabby before social media and property porn TV. What's strange is you may look back on this time as a precious one later in your life . There are different kinds of wealthy I've known so many very unhappy and lonely rich people. But I understand how unfair it feels.

Stepmothers are well known for swerving the money away from the children of the former wives.

We got burned by my stepmother leaving most of our father's estate to her daughters. But we have been philosophical about it as she cared for him in his final years so he didn't need to go into a home (she was a nurse) so it hurt but there was justice in it to an extent.
I wish you well for how you see your life. I have worked hard with myself to see the cup as half full rather than half empty. Comparison is the thief of joy is very true. All the best to you for this tough time x

Soooo…. I’d probably start with stopping blaming your DF and your late GM for the state your life is in now. Plenty of people who succeed in life without inheritance. You’re just looking for something to blame your misfortune on.

then… well, if you have a good profession I’d probably start thinking of how to get to the top in your field and get paid more. Maybe switch fields, companies.

You need to focus on what you can control.

Your grandmother was not wrong to trust her son, she should have been able to trust him. There's no point being angry with her.

There is a point in being angry with your father. He stole from you. But let go of being angry that he doesn't know his grandchildren. Isn't that what you chose? Unless you'd happily let him pop round for a coffee and an introduction, you may as well let that go. At least you know he won't be able to take advantage of them.

Apply for DLA. DLA is absolutely for children in mainstream school, it sounds like your children definitely qualify. Look for guidance on filling in the forms from a local charity or professional to avoid being refused the first time because you didn't use the right wording.

OP, DLA has 3 support need levels - low, mid, high and 2 mobility levels.

It's based on need, not diagnosis. If your children need more than an hours support than children the same age during the day, and/or additional support at night, then it's worth applying.

Call the line and ask for an application pack. Whilst waiting for it to come, keep a diary of everything you do for them eg if one child is 10 and could normally be expected to brush their own teeth, but you have to get the toothbrush, put toothpaste on it, spend 5 minutes cajoling your child to let you brush their teeth, then another 5 minutes calming them down because the sensory impact of toothbrushing is so awful etc. Note every little thing.

For mobility, they may be able to walk fine but have no sense of direction or danger, would walk out into the road. Or are too anxious to get public transport. Or don't have the executive functioning skills to work out how to catch the right train or what to do if there's a delay. Have situational mutism so won't ask for directions or help.

The current wait times from application being received to a decision is 18-20 weeks so start now. If you get an award, it will be backdated to the date on the application form.

OP just a few notes from reading only your comments (I can tell by your replies you must be getting a tough time from some, I'm sorry about that).

DLA. It's not reliant on if you work or not. It's not reliant on if your kiddies are at mainstream school or not. So it's definitely worth looking into for each child. Cerebra and Contact are both organisations that have really good help guides for filling in the child DLA forms. Often as parents our everyday becomes normal and we don't realise how much we do for our DC to help them, that their peers may not need help with. Hopefully you may find one or both of them is entitled to it, even if it's at a low rate it may help.

Universal credit. You may earn too much as a couple to claim any UC but I'd advise you put in a claim to double check. Or use the UC calculators, there are a couple of good ones online if you Google it.

The bath: is there a "timebank" in your area? If there is, maybe you could offer a time trade for work done? Offering something simple like babysitting or cleaning in exchange for someone removing the old bath and fitting a new one.

I'd seen a post on FB the other day, B&Q were selling their bathroom display suites/items for a tiny fraction of the price of new.

Or put a plea out in local FB groups, if anyone is having a bathroom refit and having a useable bath taken out please can they consider you as you are in real need of one.

There's a FB group called DIY on a budget. Lots of people in there have stripped the coverings off their old kitchen cupboard doors and then either sanded and painted them, or recovered them. Might be worth a look as a way to at least give them a cosmetic makeover while funds are tight.

I hope things get better for you.
It's hard to both be working and money being so tight.

Also, my child went to a mainstream school. I had zero chance of him coping in childcare, so I completely understand that it's just not possible for some Sen kiddos.

OP, I can understand your bitterness. And, yes, of course, inheritance is never guaranteed and some people will never receive anything (my cousin inherited only debts when her DF died…) — but to be promised something and then not get it is galling. And for both you and your DH to have been shafted is doubly galling. I would be bitter too. I think you already know, though, that the bitterness will ultimately hurt no one other than you. It won’t change anything. It will just eat you up. The only thing you can change here is your mindset. (Far, far easier said than done, of course.) I wish I had some good advice on how to let go of anger and bitterness, but I’m afraid I don’t. I do think you need to try to find a way to make your peace — somehow — with what’s happened though. For your sake. And your DCs.

Where do you live? Could you not sell up and move to an area where you’d get more for your money with a house, and the same pay if NHS?

Did you just post to vent OP?

I understand if you did but people are trying to help and snapping at them is not helpful if you want suggestions.

I have been in a situation where I was angry and bitter but I had to let those feelings go. I found coping strategies when they did arise but for my own mental health I had to let go. I hope you can do the same.

I’m so sorry. I am in a very similar situation - tiny terrace house, no hallway etc, mortgage just gone up. In loads of debt to top it off.

I have never had any chance of inheritance. My dad has gone with one of those equity release schemes so they can enjoy cruises and the like. So no inheritance there.

My dad had an affair when I was 9 and so my mum moved us in with someone who fancied her from work rather than fighting my dad for us to stay in the flat until I was 18 as she would legally have been able to. She was ill informed. The guy from work was abusive and so we were homeless for 10 years. My mum works now and has a small Council flat so there will be no inheritance either way.

My dad fiddled his income and assets so he paid £5 a week maintenance for me! And he rang up the day I hit 18 to ask when the payment would stop.

I get that you are Upset at what could have been. But please try and imagine the money is just gone and it was never there. Yes be angry at your dad, he sounds awful. But you truly need to let it go. Get therapy if you need to. I’ve had some free sessions with my local NHS service and it helped. But I too have been very angry at many adults in my life and now I’m a parent I really see what was wrong. And just try and be better myself.

I actually feel great pride in the fact I have a mortgage and despite my tiny house crumbling at the edges it’s way more than my mum had. So just try and focus on the positive though I know it’s hard. Big hugs

I haven't had time to read all responses but have you tried to access a resource like lightning reach or turn2us to see what support you might be entitles to or might be accessible to you via the government or occupational welfare?

OP, I think you need to find out how to give yourself closure. Does your father know how you feel? Realise what he's done and the impact it's had? Given you don't have a relationship anyway, maybe venting to him will help you move on.

Could one of you find another occupation too, or maybe work in the private sector if that's an option?

Would a major relocation to somewhere cheaper help?

So many people struggle and there isn't the right support there, but there is always a way through, even if it's very difficult. It's hard to navigate that when you're dealing with all these feelings, so finding a way to put them aside will probably help you in more than expected.

💕

Hi Op. It’s shit, it really is and you have every right to be bitter but for your own peace of mind you’ve got to let this go. The money is gone. Your grandmother could and should have made a will and your dad aka Scattercash, was thinking with his knob. I’ve seen it happen often enough.
However, I’m not going to suggest DIY or budgeting tipis, you’ve had plenty of them already. But take another look at DLA for your kids, it does get paid to kids in mainstream school. My gdd 8 gets it, she has Type1 diabetes, her mum also gets carers allowance.
Obviously it all depends on circumstances but it’s worth taking another look at it.

OP - a key priority has to be some counselling for you to help,you,let go of this all encompassing and obsessive vitriol and resentment. Many of us come from dysfunctional families where things have gone shit or where wills weren't made/non binding assurances not acted on/ things are not fair - but you have to let go of that as it will drive you into the ground.

counselling won't help the CoL financial situation but the rampant bitterness needs to be tamed.

Agree with both of you. OP is not interested in any advice that involves anything but inheritance. There are so many great tips on this thread. Hopefully some posters here at least can use the advice given. It's sad though so many ways to get help but all shot down.

You mentioned you live in the south East? I'm guessing the house prices are crippling?

OP I'd look at relocating. Your nhs, your jobs can be done anywhere in UK.

Sounds incredibly tough OP, I’m sorry your father was so selfish. It really does hammer home the importance of a will.

Hope things improve for you xx

I thought working couples weren't entitled to benefits.
Don't tell me I've made that up.

Something like 38 % of universal credit claimants are in work. I'm not sure how that breaks down in terms of couples/ single parents but yes, there are benefits for people who work. The pity of it is that they need this. It's all very well people on MN, who are often very privileged, banging on about personal responsibility but the system is broken. The fact that so many people who work need benefits just to get by shows this. Capitalism doesn't really work, not for most people. It's just the privileged people at the top who really get the most out of it, then they convince everyone else that if it's not working for them, it's their fault and if they just worked harder, or relocated, or did more hours, or ate fewer avocados, then they too would be living the high life.

Anyway OP, I do agree that you need to find a way to let go of the bitterness and resentfulness, as it will only damage you and then your DH and DC. It won't affect the people you're bitter about. It is hard, I know, when you're just that bit short. It makes everything more expensive. Cheap, second hand cars cost more in the long run, because they need more upkeep and repair but if you don't have a wodge of cash behind you, they're all you can afford. The same goes for most things - it's the Vimes boot theory of socio-economics.

With regard to the bath, putty repair kits are your friend. Work really well and cost very little. As for the car, I'd talk to a mechanic about whether it's better to spend on that car or put the money towards a different one. Otherwise in 12 months time you may find yourself in exactly the same position with it. Before you buy a car, use the govt MOT look up. Look for cars with clean MOTs. Don't touch anything with rust or anything that suggests it's not been looked after. Normal wear and tear is fine, advisories repeated year after year show it's not been looked after.

Things are tough for a lot of people but you have actually got a lot going for you. I'd focus on that.

A lesson to all of us ladies out there, do not trust your husband's/son's to consider equality when it comes to family wealth/resource sharing.

I'm going to get shot down here but it happens again and again, men prioritise themselves and the women in their lives over children (I guess they enjoy the provider glow/appreciation they receive). It may be my personal experience but I don't hear about women doing the same.

If you have a property (and other assets) make a will, leave it in trust to your children because as much as you think your husband prioritises your children as much as you do, that priority will slide when he meets a new girlfriend and possibly even has a second family. Don't assume; make it legal.

I would add to this, get proper legal advice when making your will.
Remember that a marriage invalidates an existing will. So if your parent embarks on a second marriage for whatever reason - widowed or divorced - their existing will is null and void. If they don't make a new will, the second spouse will get everything if your parent dies.
This happens so frequently. It happened 3 times in my own family and I see it all the time on here.
If you get divorced, make sure you change your life insurance and pension beneficiaries too, if you don't want your ex to get them.

It's understandable to become dispirited and overwhelmed by things large and small until everything seems hopeless but that's a state of feeling and not wholly real; in reality it's not as bad as you think.

For instance, you don't need to worry and despair about not getting a mortgage over 70. You can easily get one by changing from the one you have to one that goes up to 80 or 85 or even no upper age limit, subject to income and affordability. This could either be with your current lender or another one. I took out one up to 80 some years ago when they were fairly rare but now there are loads more lenders doing them and they are not such an unusual and limited thing. So please don't worry unnecessarily.

For carpets and household items you can get items that cost nothing from joining one of those schemes such as Freegle. It costs nothing to join. Also people throw out perfectly good kitchen doors and even ovens and other kitchen equipment in skips when building extensions or even just updating their kitchen.

As far as baths and holes go, there are specialist bath doctors who can fill, repair and resurface baths so it is not a big expense comparable to having to rip out and replace a suite and redo tiling, floors or even the whole bathroom.

Unrepaired things nag at you and drag you down into a state of powerless hopelessness but dealing with them rewards you with a huge psychological uplift and morale boost, even in difficult times.