To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

The other thing to consider, of course, is that we don't know the time elapsed between Grandma telling a teenage OP she would get 1/4 of her house, and Grandma actually passing.

Maybe ten years? Less? More? In that time, OP doesn't know that Grandma spoke to her son about the potential inheritance set up, and changed her mind. Didn't inform OP because it's rather the awkward conversation, and that was that. It's a hell of a lot of weight for OP to put such great expectation on what Granny said to a teenager.

On the basis the son/OPs dad had been living with his partner since OP was 6, perhaps he voiced to his mother that he didn't want the money to go to OP as she'd potentially give some to her mother to get out of rented accommodation. Perhaps Grandma was not keen on the idea ex DIL would get any share of the money. Maybe Grandma didn't want the conflict and simply said to her son, fine I'll leave it your decision to make.

Dad's been with his partner in excess 30yrs and OP still calls her "the new gf". It doesn't sound like there was good blood between OP's mum and OP's Dad/Dad's family.

Again though, this is all by the by, as it's got nothing to do with OP's current financial problems.

OP wants to be the victim and blame everyone else, I have met a few people like this. Unfortunately it's a mindset, hopefully she sees it now and will choose to think differently if only for the sake of her children. The negativity in that household must be toxic

I am 31. My parents are healthy and in their early 60s. I expect them to live to their 90s. A lot can happen in 30 years and also what is the point of thinking about money that I could potentially inherit in 30 years time. We have no inheritance tax in my home country but that can also change.

The commercial properties (offices and two pubs) are owned jointly with a business partner 50/50 so in a sense things could happen.

I have seen the few million dollars
in their one of their bank accounts but they live in a country wheere healthcare is not free but subsidized up to 60% for their income, think that could easily be spent or people can make bad investment decisions . I guess the family home (worth around £4 million and mortgage free ) but my dad ofen speaks of downsizing so it could go the same way as the cash.

My sister and I are the only heirs but neither of us are counting on it. We are both intent on making our own money. When we were kids our parents often spoke of giving the money to anyone but us so we would understand the value of money.

You seem to blaming an awful lot on other people’s actions. If you were round the table with your parents and gran when she issued instruction re house and then your parents split when you were six you have an excellent memory if you actually recall any of this conversation - you were at bloody infants’ school! The fact is no-one was obliged to leave you or your husband anything in their will or to make any financial gifts. Who is to say you would have invested the money in property had you been given some earlier in life? You may have frittered it away on luxuries in your youth, who knows?

Granted, it’s a bit crap some of your relatives were greedy but that is just how people are - crazy when it comes to money - just look at your own attitude - consumed by bitterness.

Some people do get a significant leg up due to inherited wealth, it’s not fair it’s just a fact.

I don’t know where you live or how you manage your budget but a combined income of £80k is better than most. The fact you cannot manage even small household repairs on this income is staggering to me, snd suggests you may be servicing a lot of debt, or are a bit spendthrift. Perhaps you should do a proper detailed analysis of your outgoings and overhaul things radically. maybe then you can get over your bitterness about what was never yours in the first place.

Lmao at this blatant humblebrag. What a weird flex considering the thread you’re posting in.

OP, I understand your frustration. It’s all terribly unfair, and your anger is justified. However, I agree with the PPs that you need to let this go for the sake of your own mental health and happiness.

How is it a humble brag when I am also saying its none of my money. It's like saying I know someone with a lot of money but it also has nothing to do with me. My point is none of us are entitled to any inheritance. I could very well get no inheritance.

I live in London where most properties in my area are bought with family money and I had to buy without so of course that was harder. But that doesn't mean that just because someone is born into x family they are automatically entitled to x money.

It’s a blatant humblebrag because if you were ever in serious financial difficulty (which you’ve made very clear you are not), your parents would almost certainly help you. Or are you suggesting your multimillionaire parents would see you go homeless first?

Honestly. 🙄

Cmon now. Why would you detail your parents wealth like that. Many many people could co this, instead they read the room.

It’s not even humble. It’s a straight out brag. Which many of us could do in our own right, but bragging bout your parents wealth. Blimey. That’s cringe,

I have lived on 30p meals as a 22 year old newly wed (budget 30p per person) We were relying on DH's meagre student loan. Dh was doing his masters and we were relying on student loan money. Thankfully didn't last long as we came back to London soon after and got jobs..

It never occurred to me to ask for help because I was an adult and it was my responsibility to figure it out.

Oh good, the hits keep coming! Tell us more about how you’ve played at being working class.

You have to be one of the least self-aware people I’ve encountered on here.

This.

I'm so sorry Op, it sounds utterly miserable and I'd be bitter too.

However, don't let it eat you up. You're the only one suffering. I don't know what the answer is, but don't let this shadow any good in your life.

Er.... She's not bragging. It's strange that's what you interpret despite what is written.

It seems pretty clear she is drawing similarities to OP, in that an inheritance might seem likely at one point, but there are many many mitigating factors that then lead to there being no inheritance at all.

She's only stating her own situation to further example how you shouldn't rely on inheritance.

Exactly and I only said multimillion to make it clear that it's not the kind of inheritance likely to be eroded completely by care costs. But wealth is rarely simple, assets can lose value or there may be business partners involved.

In fact if the inheritance is in the hundreds of thousands, really best not to rely on it given the NHS is failing and many elderly people may opt for private medical treatment

It never occurred to me to ask for help because I was an adult and it was my responsibility to figure it out.

Bingo. Same.

@breadandroses92 I'm in a similar situation. V wealthy parents. Inheritance? Probable. Guaranteed? Hell no. DH and I live and plan our lives and finances as if we will receive nothing. Anything above that is a bonus.

And yes, I have had times when I've had no money and eaten super noodle sandwiches for a week. And exactly the same as you, it didn't even occur to me to ask them to bail me out because I was an adult and it was my responsibility to figure it out. And I did. Life isn't about relying on handouts/inheritance.

Absolutely agree - your life is yours to make of it what you can by yourself or with a partner if you're committed to making a life together.

My mother was 'done out' of land worth millions that her father intended to leave to her via a sleight of hand by her brother. I asked her how she could stand not being angry about it, and she said she reflected on how she had 6 fantastic kids who were all independent and doing ok, and that was reward enough. It might sound cheesy but really, if you have a loving partner and children and a stable home then count your blessings and make the most of it and don't plan your future happiness around a random comment by an elderly relative.

What's done is done. Being angry wont change anything but will eventually make you ill and or destroy you. I feel so sorry for you all but try and break this down into bits and deal with a bit at a time. And do stack up the good bits , there are some you know. Understand fully. Take care of each other.

It sounds awful but also slightly unbelievable as two professionals are working 80 hours a week and can’t afford to buy a new coat, fix essential items.
you are going to need to give breakdown of ins and outs for any constructive help.

you are going to need to give breakdown of ins and outs for any constructive help

Sadly OP doesn't want constructive help. She wants to wallow and rage against everything. Until she decides to stop doing that nothing will change.

I understand why you’re frustrated, I would be too. It must feel very unfair.

But as a single mum of 2, who also went to uni and works full time, I wonder why you’re struggling with 2 incomes coming in. As you’re professionals who went to uni I would guess you’re not earning minimum wage. There’s too many unknowns here. How much are you earning? Are your outgoings more than you can afford? How much is your mortgage/house value? Could you move to a cheaper area?

Unfortunately this happens when people don’t make a will.

I would try to claim DLA. I did for my daughter and she didn’t attend special school but she needed more care than other children her age. If you are successful it will help towards their needs.

@StillAtDusk your children regardless if they are in mainstream school are entitled to DLA/PIP. My son who is now 21 was awarded it when he was 5 he is autistic and he was in mainstream school. Also look into see if your children can claim the higher mobility area of DLA as you may qualify for a mobility car. We do and it’s made our lives so much better. We have been where you are and trust me things will get better x

My husband and I both come from working class families so no inheritances. Never expected it, not resentful. We worked hard, made some money, saved and are ok. We don’t have expectations of a posh house. We’re happy. Most people don’t inherit much and often not until their 60s if it’s from parents. Remember it’s their money - they can do what they want with it!

@breadandroses92 Thank you for answering my question - not sure why that got a few backs up. Whether you've always held the view you have about your situation or whether you've 'grown' into it - I think you have a great attitude about it. I can't say the same of myself, I imagine I'd be very bitter not least because to be born into extreme wealth is incredibly rare, it's exactly what people consider being born 'lucky', yet to never get the chance to enjoy the luxuries it brings seems so futile. Generational wealth is predicated on maintaining the wealth of the lineage, so to speak - if it's curtains because you 'need to learn the value of money' I'd be furious with my parents. But it sounds like you made a life with greater value.

I think you both need to change your jobs. You work in the NHS, poorly paid. Go and work privately. Idk what your dh does, but he needs to work privately as well if he can. There's no point shedding tears over what's happened in the past. You can't change it now, so just draw a line or you're going to make yourself ill.