To feel angry, bitter and resentful

[StillAtDusk]

I admit I'm feeling really sorry for myself.
But I can't help it.
DH and I are really struggling financially. We live in a tiny semi-detached house with our 2 DC. Our house has no hallway, front door goes straight into lounge, kitchen 7ft x 10ft, 3rd bedroom (DD room) 6 ft x 9ft. Bought an old 2nd hand car last year after my other 2nd hand car died. Now this one has failed it's MOT miserably and we haven't got the money to pay for the amount of work it needs. Probably can't afford to go on holiday this year. Our kitchen unit doors are broken, our oven is broken, our bath is broken with a hole in it, we need new radiators, we need new carpets because they're all old and threadbare, but we can't afford to replace any of these things and our house is an embarrassing state. We both work, DH 50 hours a week, me 30hrs a week, we are both in professional occupations that we spent years training for after both going to Uni.
Every week I worry about money. And our fixed term mortgage expires later this year and I actually feel physically sick at the thought of how much it's going to go up by as we have no money left at the end of each month as it is, and our mortgage term is up to the age of 70 so we won't be able to extend it as a way of keeping repayments manageable.
I'm angry and bitter and resentful because our life didn't need to be like this.
When I was a teenager, my grandmother repeatedly stated to me, to my DF and DM, and to her sisters, that when she died, I was to be given a quarter of the sale of her house. I so clearly remember her telling me I would inherit a quarter, and I remember family meetings round the table with her stipulating this to my DF (her son) and telling him he must ensure I received a quarter of the sale upon her death. My grandmother adored me all my life. But she never left a will. And after she died, her house was sold and my DF ploughed all of the inheritance into buying a new kitchen, new bathroom and a loft conversion in his girlfriend's house and spent the rest on holidays with her. They're not married and her house is in her name as she bought it before they met. So DF effectively ploughed hundreds of thousands of pounds into her house, he lives there with her, has done for 30 years, but he'll never have any financial claim on it and I never, ever saw a penny of the quarter my grandmother asked him to give me.
I'm angry with my beloved grandmother for trusting that her wishes would be carried out and not leaving an actual will.
I'm beyond angry with my DF and I no longer speak to him as a result. And as a result of me not speaking to him, my DC have never even met him, which I'm also angry and bitter about.
When I was 6, after my parents divorced because my DF had a affair, my DM got engaged and we moved to a new home with my stepfather. They had a baby. Within a year, my stepfather was dead. My DM was unable to financially maintain the mortgage, so we lost our new home and went into rented accommodation. My DM has remained single and in a rented home ever since, as she's never been able to afford to buy a home by herself.
My DH's mother died and DH's father inherited the house. His DM owned her house outright in her own name before she met and married DH's father. Within months of her death, DH's father sold the house, their beautiful family home, banked the money (no mortgage so got all of the sale) moved in with a new woman into her home, married her, then a year later he died and his new wife inherited all of his money from the sale of the family home. The naivity in me thought, surely she'll give DH some money, in recognition of the fact this money she's inherited has come from the sale of his family home which his mother owned outright. But no. She used the whole lot to buy a lovely new home for her and her children. DH never saw a penny of any inheritance. If he had, we wouldn't be living in the tremendously hard up circumstances we are now.
So DH and I are where we are. Struggling to death financially and finding life really hard.
And I'm so angry, it's eating me up.

Actually, the core issue is that most people can no longer afford a decent quality of living, without winning or inheriting a large sum. So whereas before it was "It will be a bonus if we do inherit, maybe we'll go on holiday" to "My house is falling apart and I can't afford decent food without an inheritance". Of course it's up to people what they do with their own money. But it's natural to feel frustrated when the divide between the rich and poor is getting bigger all the time, and this sort of thing literally "brings it home".

OP my parents are very wealthy multimillionaires who own commercial properties worth millions. I chose to marry my DH who was from a poor family though he is a higher rate taxpayer now. We live in London where it is difficult to buy without cash help from family though we were lucky to live rent free with his mum for 3 years which enabled us to save a deposit for a very small 2 bed flat in London for £392k.

We do not struggle but even if we couldn't afford to repair the boiler, i don't think my parents would help. They would say they figured it out themselves so why cant I. So i definitely wouldn't be expecting an inheritance or any help from them even though they could probably transfer a couple of hundred thousand to me and not notice that its gone.. In a sense they are helping me because I know that my DH married me for me, not for my parent's money.

I kinda agree with them in a way, i would rather be poor and stand on my own two feet than spend my whole life relying on handouts from parents whether they are dead or alive when I am an adult.

Sadly I don't think many of us can rely on inheritances, we just have to get on as best as we can.

The situation is shit and I absolutely see why you’re angry and frustrated. It’s a shame that your family haven’t shared with you. However if nothing can be changed channel that anger into building a better paying career for you. Earn it all yourself as a “fuck you” to those who’ve take the piss. It’s not easy I know but can you take any further qualifications, change companies to get promotion. Good luck

Err no, the core issue is that they are mentally spending other people's money. The amount of. money you bring in yourself is your reality and you should live accordingly. Inheritance, lottery wins, finding a stash of cash in your attic are nice things to happen but you really dont budget for them. You should live within your means. Want more, make more.

"The family home" is rather a slippery concept isn't it? Growing up in a house does not automatically entitle you to a chunk of the equity.

Yes. Not using the NHS pension scheme is literally throwing money away. Moving to a cheaper area would solve a lot of issues.

Sadly they are tales as old as time and I don't blame you for feeling so bitter 💐

OP, use the turntous calculator. Research DLA.

The only advice I can give is to start paying into your NHS pension if possible. Every person I know (women with children) who never paid in has ALWAYS regretted it.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable to have expected your DF to fulfil his mother's wishes and pass on the 1/4 promised. I know people say don't rely on inheritance ect but when your on your arse you can't help think what if, and who doesn't think its a bit crappy if their own parents don't put them before a new spouse.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it and I worry its going to keep eating away at you.

Of course it's possible to earn decent incomes and feel poor because bills have risen for everyone and mortgage payments are different for everyone. Our fixed term end in 5 months and I'm absolutely dreading it.

I'm sorry I can't offer anymore advise but I would look into DLA. There are different levels and if your children are SEN, especially if you have diagnosis they will very likely be approved. Although which level of DLA will depend on their needs. I work with children and dual income families and children in mainstream school can still claim.

You absolutely can get DLA. We do for my SEN child in mainstream school

The idea of including inheritance into my family financial planning is just odd to me and many other others with working class or immigrant (the poorer ones) roots. It’s not nice to effectively be disinherited but equally, why would you feel this entitled and angry about not receiving money that is not legally yours? Make your own life. Live within your current means and/or expand those means.

Dont know if this would plug the hole in.the bath.. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Endhokn-Porcelain-Fiberglass-Pedestal-Scratches/dp/B09WMMXKM9/ref=asc_df_B09WMMXKM9/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=606746778188&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8159259079622123570&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006553&hvtargid=pla-1722316209344&psc=1&mcid=3ccb2365c94536e9b6caa0de41bd7288

I understand your frustration, life is shit sometimes. And it’s hard watching others thrive when you feel there’s been a level of injustice. But use that passion to make change. Just some ideas;

• Can you set up a Vinted and sell any items? Perhaps next time you go into a charity shop, see if there’s anything there that looks like you can upsell on Vinted
• Surveys and quizzes. Prolific is a good website where you can earn money from partaking in surveys. Each survey is worth a different amount, but easily gives you a fiver here and there. That could help buy your bread and milk for a few days. Also “yougov” is good. Each survey is worth a little bit, then over time you collect points and when you have X amount (can’t remember how much) but you’re able to withdraw £50.
• Free spins and games on gambling sites (obviously do not do this is you are prone to wanting to gamble your own money!) but a lot of sites like William Hill, Bet365, Ladbroke etc, have free games and offer free spins on slot machines, paying out real money that you can withdraw.
• Pet sitting. Sign yourself up on the available apps, and you could earn yourself some money going to someone’s house (locally) to feed and water their pets whilst they’re away.
• piggy bank? Sounds daft but just chucking spare change in there whenever you find it in your pockets can accumulate!

• Take part in market research. They can be in-person or virtual, and you’ll get paid for your time. Look up “Respondent” or “Take Part in Research”
• Actually talking of research, I’ve known people to take part in flu research etc. Some pay thousands for your time. Obviously a risk is attached to it and they explain it fully, but you could also be given the placebo 🤷🏻‍♀️
• Airtime rewards. It’s an app that, when you link your bank cards to it, if/when you shop at certain shops (places such as Argos, Aldi, Boots etc) it gives you free cashback that you can put against your phone bill. I’ve earned £17 off my phone bill from it, and not from going out of my way, I just do what I usually do.
• Can you set up a Chase bank account? They offer 1% cashback on purchases every month, so you could earn up to £15 extra a month. That could go towards a new coat on Vinted, for example
• In fact, talking of bank accounts. Have you seen which banks are offering an incentive to switch? Nationwide had one recently where they offered £200 cash to switch. All you had to do is ensure there were at least 3 (or 4, can’t remember) direct debits on the bank account you’re switching from. Then soon enough, a free £200 will land in your new Nationwide account. I don’t think they’re doing it at the moment but other banks offer similar so take a look

If you have instagram, follow some savings accounts like “themoneyferret” and “savingmoneybish” and “helpsavemoney”.

Hope any of that can help you guys out. Turn your frustration into power ❤️xx

Your responses are so angry. People are trying to help you but you’re just blasting them. Sometimes we just have to accept that maybe our circumstances are our own doing. I’d be more sympathetic if you were more nuanced and tempered in your answers.

Not read full thread, just OPs replies. Do you know what I'd feel bitter too. I expect families to look out for each other. The thought of my son struggling to buy a winter coat as an adult breaks my heart. I have a will. I'm only 34. But you can never be too careful.

I promise you can get DLA when they're in mainstream, it's based on care needs. There's threads on here and pages on Facebook, also Contact website is helpful.

I'm a single parent, no mortgage and I'm on 37k before tax. DS gets Middle rate dla and I get a top up of universal credit as There's a higher payment for disabled child and carer elements.

A DLA claim can take up to 20 weeks, the money is backdated. At this point you could look at UC too. entitledto.co.uk is good just add your circumstances as though both kids get DLA and it will give you an idea.

When you do have the spare money (whether dla or whatever) look on vinted for any clothes needed. I got DS a lovely winter coat for £7 including delivery. Brand new, would have cost 4x that in shops.
Also ebay or marketplace would be a good shout for a bath.
Look online incase there's a quick/cheap fix for kitchen cupboards.

And I'll add, just hang on. It's not always going to be this bad. You must have a lot going on. And it's shit just now.

School is irrelevant. DLA is based on the child’s needs, nothing else. Its free to apply so you might as well.

OP, you have a right to feel bitter, you were both let down by parents or grandparents who did not make a will and leave anything to you. But it happened and you have to deal with it. I would recommend getting some counselling so that you can come to terms with what happened and move on, or you will never be happy.

The anger and bitterness is pouring out of you and you are attacking anyone who dares to question you or offer advice.

Also take on board some of the suggestions here about looking into DLA and doing a proper budget, looking at other jobs etc.

People are trying to help you so stop being so aggressive towards everyone. You can't change what has happened so you have to deal with it and find a way to sort your problems out. Put your energy into that.

You say that you probably cant afford to go on holiday this year so it sounds like you have been going on holiday ? Sometimes you have to sacrifice things like holidays to get something else that you want. When my friends bought a bigger house, they didn't have a holiday for 3 years so that they could afford to do the stuff that they wanted to do to the house.

It's got nothing to do with the above. For starters OP doesn't rent. She has a "tiny" house with a low rate mortgage and two professional incomes.

And I say this confidently, because I am a mother to a disabled child, plus pre school twins, about to purchase a sickeningly (not in a good way) expensive house, in the SE.

Am I unable to purchase a coat? No. Am I incapable of researching eligibility and how to apply for DLA (whilst ironically shouting at other posters they know nothing about raising SEN children?) No. Am I on a professional wage? No. Do we have twin nursery bills? Yes. And yet by some miracle, we can pay for a takeaway and our upcoming mortgage.

OP yells at anyone asking where on earth her double professional income is going, as she paints the picture of a frugal life with only a tiny house to pay for on a low rate. She knows where it's going. We don't. But it's going somewhere she doesn't want to admit because she knows everyone will point out this is the cause of her problem, and she created that. She only wants to hear that a rogue inheritance that was verbally mentioned when she was a teenager, never formalised, and never materialised, is why she can't afford her current lifestyle.

The disappointment ( rage) at blighted expectations reads like a Victorian novel. It is annoying for the person who was relying on things said in childhood but it’s not at all productive to hang on to ‘what if’s ‘ .

We sat down with a financial advisor provided as a perk by my company. When he asked about potential inheritances to be taken into account my DH said his mother would live forever, her favourite game was playing off her 4 sons and she was quite likely to leave it all to the metaphorical cats home. My mother had less to leave and all of the proceeds from her house were earmarked for potential care. They both did live a long time, their time in care was relatively short so we did both receive something - would rather have had my mother for a few more years, though.

I had had a childhood of my grandmother bemoaning the way her brother had cheated her and her sister out considerable bequest and the money she did have being mismanaged by trustees and saw the way money, time and emotional energy got wasted trying to fight it legally. The only people who benefitted from that were the lawyers.

I get people talking about CoL and expensive mortgage and rents.

However, Op and her husband must bring in at least 4k per month. But potentially, a lot more.

Even on a tiny 2 bed, the mortgage at a current low rate can’t be more than 2k. Leaving 2k plus for everything else. And I would guess won’t be 2k.

Op seems unable to have googled how to repair a bath. Or looked for somewhere to have a coat repaired or heard of Vinted or FB marketplace or charity shops

Theres definitely huge holes in the story.

Op is in a privileged position, compared to many, because her household earns enough to have some options.

It’s shit about the inheritance. But the full story isn’t here. Op doesn’t want to share it to get maximum sympathy. That’s fine. But going into such detail about how poor she is was designed to attract sympathy but also was always going to attract people trying to help.

On reading the rest of OP posts so far - I see she is refusing to say what their joint income is- even told one poster it was none of their business
Why put up a post detailing a lost inheritance and detailing how you can't afford to repair your car or buy a coat ( FYI you get one for under a fiver in a charity shop ) and not tell readers how much you earn? Surely there is akey piece of info missing there.

I get that you're angry but you seem to be cutting your nose off to spite your face. Being angry won't change it, it won't give you any money.

The list of things wrong with your house is a list that most people in normal houses have. You just need to work through your list in the most affordable way you can manage.
Bath: bath repair kit on Amazon.
Kitchen cupboards: you need to take the doors off, fill the screw holes then re-attach doors when filler is dry. Or - get rid of the doors and use a bit of material to make curtains.
Radiators: bleed them then paint them (you don't need radiator paint).
Carpets: rip them up, paint the floorboards and search for used washable rugs on Fbook.
You can get a coat for £1 in a jumble sale or boot sale. You don't have to be a martyr about a coat, there's no promise for having the worst coat.

You have to cut your coat according to your cloth.
None of the things above cost much money, just time.
Mumsnet is a great resource for advice on managing your money but people can't give targeted advice unless you post your rough income/out goings.
I am a single parent on one wage with two children with no family support. It's hard to manage but I have to just get on with it, my house isn't in great shape but I just continue to patch it up as best I can. All of my furniture is second hand, I have no carpets and a kitchen I made myself. It's not going to win any awards but it's cosy, homely and filled with the thing me and my DC like.

@StillAtDusk I understand why you feel so cheated.
Your Grandmother was extremely unwise not to write a Will, as you know.

So often with men a new 'wife' comes along and she and her children benefit as is the case with your dad.

Inheritance is basically ''Free money'' -unearned.
I have seen it make colossal differences in people's lives- They buy a new house, expensive cars, flying business class across the world on the result of some distant relation's wise past purchases of land and property.

At least your children will have property to inherit..currently still a good investment.
{Unless you need to go into care home, that is...}

I don't blame you for feeling aggrieved.

Your Grandmother could so easily have written you into her will..for the sake of a few hundreds.

Maybe that's what put her off? - people are silly about Wills, they don't like writing them as it reminds them of their own mortality.

I need to update mine, though.... the expense is the off-putting thing, but if it spares the recipient/s hassle, well worth it.

@breadandroses92 Even if you don't expect handouts - how do you not expect to inherit unless they've explicitly written you out of their wills considering the amount of money/assets/wealth you say they're worth?

There have been many people in the business and show biz world who have left their children nothing, Anita Roddick is the one who first comes to mind, Tony Curtis and apparently Sting has not put his offspring in his will.