Arguments over dinner, it's always somebody else's fault with him.

[SparkleSmash]

We did our weekly food shop at Tesco on Monday. I got a roast chicken and rosemary parmenter potatoes with it for a mini 'roast' in the week + 5 or so other meals. We then nipped to Iceland afterwards where I saw some loaded potatoe skins and suggested we could make our own at some point in the week.

DP is cooking this evening as I have a stinking migraine. A roast he says. I go into the kitchen to see him scooping potatoe out of the skins. Confused, I ask what he's making. A roast he says. With cheese and bacon loaded potato skins.

I ask why he's doing that instead of using the rosemary & garlic parmenter potatos.

He then tells me that I said we are having loaded potato skins with the roast chicken when I never said any such thing. I suggest he must have misunderstood as that's not the case, he digs his heels in and insists that I did. He will not be budged. I know I didn't say that as it's not something I'd generally pair with a roast chicken.

Admittedly I'm getting slightly annoyed at this point as its a running theme. If he ever makes a mistake, which we all do and is no big deal, he never owns it and always passes it off as somebody else's fault. Every time. That is what has annoyed me, not the simple mistake.

I said it doesn't matter now we'll eat it regardless. He throws the potato's in the bin, still insisting that I said it.

I wish I could say this is an isolated thing but it isn't. The man is completely unprepared to own his mistakes whether something insignificant like this or something more important. It's always somebody else's fault.

We haven't been getting on very well lately and as you might have guessed there are deeper problems, but am I the unreasonable one here?

If someone else is cooking, I would leave them to it rather than question why they aren’t doing what I would have done.

Only you know if the other events happening show that there is more to it.

If someone was cooking for me I will just appreciate it!

Fair comment. I enquired as I was confused about what we were having.

I'll take that.

Oh god who cares what kind of potato you have with your chicken? If you have a migraine just chill!

I would have said it once and let him.crack on with it. The chat about lies etc could have waited. Shame the potatoes went in the bin.

This sort of thing pisses me off. He's used up two meals in one, and now you're left with random potatoes that don't go with anything else, but aren't a meal on their own.

Presumably he doesn't care about these logistics because he's done "his share" of the cooking for the week, and you'll sort out the rest of the week 🙄

I’m not sure he has made a mistake? He’s just doing a different type of potato to the one you would have done.

Imagine this from his POV. ‘I’m cooking for DW, doing loaded potatoes which I know she likes because we talked about it a few days ago. She’s telling me I’ve done it wrong though because she would have done rosemary ones’.

Chalk it up to migraine grumpiness and move on.

I'll keep my beak out of the kitchen next time. I probably should have just left him to it.

I think with the general state of the relationship at the minute I'm a bit sensitive to anything that highlights one of the problems that we have.

Edited to add, I made it clear I was going to eat the loaded potato skins. He didn't need to bin them. I wouldn't have wasted the food.

I don't think the OP cares much about the potato incident I think it's just being used as a example on how her DP never takes responsibility for his fuck up and it's everyone's fault bar his.

My OH when cooking I stay well clear, we get random portions, you're lucky you didn't get pilau rice 😂

But how has her DP fucked up? He’s cooking roast chicken with potatoes, sounds good to me

My husband will swear that he told me something when I'm sure he hasn't. He did it again today. I do tune out sometimes though especially if he's on a moaning mission

Have to agree with other posters, just leave whoever is cooking to do the cooking. Especially when it’s already “in progress” AKA too late to divert to a different plan. I’d probably have my back up a bit as well if DH started questioning why I was making a different type of potato for tea and I’d be telling him he should go to a restaurant for a meal if he wants to make requests🤣

As for the example you gave about the dinner potatoes, does it really matter what potatoes went with what? You would have used the roast potatoes but you were down with a migraine and someone else was in charge of dinner. Hubby can cook what he likes.

As to the, never-acknowledging-a-mistake, this seems like an entirely different problem than the example. What does he say when you bring it up?

Maybe the fact he accused her of saying she told him what potatoes to have when she clearly knew she didn't.

Oh honestly. If you have a stinking migraine, just let it drop. It is potatoes.

And I know that isn't the point, but I would suggest winding yourself up and looking at a screen won't help with that.

This is exactly it.

We had similar just two days ago. I worked until 4 and he had the kids. He was due into work at 9pm having had Monday night off.

I let him know I was heading home just before 4 at which point he decided he was going to take the kids out somewhere miles away after sitting indoors all day.

He got back late (doesn't drive so had to use multiple modes of public transport) which meant he ate late and didn't get as much sleep before work.

Of course all of that was the kids fault. It couldn't possibly he that he made a bad choice by waiting until late afternoon to go out, could it?

Everything is always somebody else's fault. It drives me mad.

Same!

I mean, at the end of the day, it's only tatties

I disagree with most here and aswell as the bigger issue the potato thing would really piss me off
There is a meal plan, he’s gone completely off it now you have not one but two random meals or, most likely, the parmentier potatoes will have to go in the bin as the rest of the week is planned and they now have no place, what a waste!
It also shows that he just doesn’t listen when you speak

It could also be an example of weaponised incompetence- if you’re not there to make the meals you get completely made up random shite, especially if in future he won’t do it because he “always does it wrong” 🙄

Yeah I’d be pissed off too

Potato Potahtoh

I’m echoing what some are saying in that the potato’s aren’t the problem it’s deeper than that. I’d have a light hearted chat with him later after all has settled and tell him the potatoes weren’t the issue and explain your feelings. I’ve been in a similar situation where my ex just would not accept fault at any level. Pretty frustrating. Pretty narcissistic…

Throwing the potatoes away was completely unreasonable of him regardless, what a waste. He threw a tantrum because you pointed out he had misunderstood you.

I disagree about the other potatoes being wasted. Just chuck them in the freezer until next roast or rejig your meals to match no big deal.

I relate to the being oversensitive though. Dh and I have started a clean slate recently. We had a rough few years, renovations, babies, redundancies and he responded with stress and anger and I responded with passivity which made things really upsetting for me and really frustrating for him.

The kids are older now and we have made the conscious decision to be less reactive too each other and it's made a massive difference. Sex life is better, both are happier we are talking about our retirement together.

Obviously this is dependent on him being reflective enough and conscious of his behaviour. How would he react if you told him everything you have said on here?

How was he parented - was he frightened of his DPs and punished if he made a mistake so he hides it? If he can't "own" any mistake because he's frightened of a particular outcome how does he manage mistakes at work - or is everyone else wrong except him?

Your relationship sounds like a nightmare.