Arguments over dinner, it's always somebody else's fault with him.

[SparkleSmash]

We did our weekly food shop at Tesco on Monday. I got a roast chicken and rosemary parmenter potatoes with it for a mini 'roast' in the week + 5 or so other meals. We then nipped to Iceland afterwards where I saw some loaded potatoe skins and suggested we could make our own at some point in the week.

DP is cooking this evening as I have a stinking migraine. A roast he says. I go into the kitchen to see him scooping potatoe out of the skins. Confused, I ask what he's making. A roast he says. With cheese and bacon loaded potato skins.

I ask why he's doing that instead of using the rosemary & garlic parmenter potatos.

He then tells me that I said we are having loaded potato skins with the roast chicken when I never said any such thing. I suggest he must have misunderstood as that's not the case, he digs his heels in and insists that I did. He will not be budged. I know I didn't say that as it's not something I'd generally pair with a roast chicken.

Admittedly I'm getting slightly annoyed at this point as its a running theme. If he ever makes a mistake, which we all do and is no big deal, he never owns it and always passes it off as somebody else's fault. Every time. That is what has annoyed me, not the simple mistake.

I said it doesn't matter now we'll eat it regardless. He throws the potato's in the bin, still insisting that I said it.

I wish I could say this is an isolated thing but it isn't. The man is completely unprepared to own his mistakes whether something insignificant like this or something more important. It's always somebody else's fault.

We haven't been getting on very well lately and as you might have guessed there are deeper problems, but am I the unreasonable one here?

So, he had a strop and threw perfectly good food in the bin? And people are answering that you are unreasonable. I really don’t get it.

I hear you @SparkleSmash it’s not about the damn potatoes or being late back. Sounds utterly exhausting.

I can't believe people think it's ok to serve loaded potatoes with a roast. Wtaf.

That aside I completely understand why you are so angry about this trait - i have similar and it makes you feel like their mother. Everything just happens them it's not their fault and they couldn't help it as they didn't plan for something to go wrong it's pleading with six year old when often it's you that's drawn the short straw.

Also it means you're never on an even keel when someone is faultless you can't mention anything without it turning into massive so either end up ignoring/minimises/laughing off issues
Which leads to resentment as nothing ever been resolved and you cant have normal reactions. I've being disappointed you didn't get a meal your wanted, as a one off fine if it's everytime you and your feelings become less important in the relationship, so it's no longer a partnership.

It doesn't sound like things are going to change and if you can't live with and find it unattractive I'd leave if you can. Hope you are ok.

Otherwise it makes no sense.

That’s the issue. She’s explained it several times.

Her husband had poor time management and took his son out much later than was ideal for his schedule. Then he got back only 90 minutes before work and was upset and stroppy about it because he wanted time to eat and relax before work. Instead of blaming himself, who is the only person to blame, he projected his blame onto his 6 year-old and claimed that it was the child’s fault that he had gotten back late and didn’t have the amount of time he wanted.

It doesn’t make any sense because he is twisting himself into pretzels to never be at fault for anything. That’s the problem. Same thing with him lying to OP’s face over and over about her own words. He will make himself ridiculous before he admits responsibility. That’s why she’s so fed up.

But he got home at 7.30, which is plenty of time to eat and relax before work. Doesn't seem anything wrong with DH's time management - sounds just about perfect TBH, almost like he planned it!

Only really a problem if food wasn't ready and was going to take a while on return, whereas one would assume that it would be ready to serve pretty much when they got back. So 7.30-7.45=eating, 7.45-8.45= resting/nap, 8.45 head off to work. Only a problem if food not ready for 7.30 (which would be a reasonable expectation since the other parent finished work at 4 and had 3.5 hours free time to prepare dinner whilst children were with DH).

So I guess the question is, did DS's insistence on soup alter the timings for dinner , leaving DH with less resting time, meaning that it was indeed DS wanting soup that was the problem? Because on the face of it, getting home at 7.30 to eat then rest before going to work at 9 seems absolutely fine.

He sounds completely unorganised or time blind.

YANBU.

I like potato skins, not with roast though. He should have enough about him to know what to make. Based on what you normally make, the shopping picked out or what makes sense.

When our DC were little, liked to be up and out early. They were up very early and it made sense for their routine. Oh would regularly fart around until after 2pm. We decided to take turns taking the DC out on our own, the other person had a break. I took them out early, OH slept in and had brunch. The next week he took them out and I would read, what a film or whatever.

Even my procrastinating Oh would not take the DC out at 4pm when they had to go to work at 9pm. Never mind food and sleep for himself, what about the DC? No point in your oh being annoyed with anyone else. He sounds insufferable.

Im glad im single.

I totally get it OP. I had this with my DH and in the end it totally got me down - always stupid excuses. Not so much the issue itself, but the need to lie/make up crap.

One example I recall was when I said to him that he had left the fridge door open all night. In response, he said that “someone had moved the food around, so that it made the door come open”. I mean come on!

Now all I was looking for was an acknowledgment in the hope that he didn’t do it again. It wasn’t anything major after all.

It made me more mad that he lied an excuse than the original issue. (This was one of many btw).

Anyway I had a massive meltdown a few years back and told him - how he can never take responsibility or say sorry and now he only does it occasionally.

I think it was his natural “go to” response and I do think it stemmed from his childhood. I used to joke in our early days that he had a book of a thousand excuses and I used to tell him his song was “it wasn’t me” but after a few years, it wasn’t funny any more.

You must tell him OP how it affects you or you will end up splitting.

My DH does blame my DD for things too but now she is a teen, she calls him out on it. It’s a bit sad really as I can see she doesn’t totally respect him at times.

Good luck 💐

I think there are PPs on this thread who have never encountered someone who will never, ever, admit that anything is their fault.

We had a girl at our hobby group. Every meeting she would tell us all the things that had gone wrong at her Saturday job, at college (why she hadn't got an A for a piece of work was a favourite), with her friends. As part of her telling us she always managed to say it was someone else's fault. She made me want to scream when she started because I knew (we all did) what was coming.

For those saying that it isn't the DH's fault it's all down to OP being controlling/micromanaging - you never met 'Terri' (not her real name of course).

I can't believe people think it's ok to serve loaded potatoes with a roast. Wtaf.

He’d only cooked the chicken - chicken & loaded potato skins, what’s the problem with that?

I just think a lot of people don’t see cooking a different type of potato and being a bit rushed once getting home before work as ‘mistakes’ and the OP keeps saying he never admits he’s wrong but doesn’t have any better examples to give.

Bizarrely, if OP had posted an AIBU saying “lighthearted but loaded cheese and bacon potato skins don’t go on a roast” everyone would have been replying that the correct potatoes on a roast dinner is a serious, life or death manner. But clearly something about the OP rubbed people up the wrong way so now it’s “oh, of course that’s fine with roast chicken even though it sounds revolting, and normally ‘meal planning’ is the Mumsnet answer to everything, but not today, because we’re feeling contrary!”

Of course it’s not about the potatoes. Do you actually want to stay in this relationship, OP?

@SparkleSmash if you're still reading, I don't think you are coming across badly. It's not about what he made for dinner, it's the blaming you for his lack of attention to the meal plan and insistence that you made the choice and not him. And the petulance of throwing good food in the bin!
I'd also be irritated if my husband chose not to leave himself enough time and then blamed a 6 year old for it. I don't see how it's your job to pour oil on troubled waters at this point - your responsibility is to your child, who is getting unfairly blamed for a choice that a grown adult made.

And you don't need to be especially grateful for the cooking either - it's just a chore that both adults in the house share. I'm sure you do your share too.

I can't tell you if this is fixable. Maybe getting some marriage counselling could help you both. I don't know the background to this. I think you need some kind of intervention though because refusal to ever accept responsibility for anything is annoying AF and most people would find that impossible to live with. Maybe outside help can unpick that.

Yes but HE DIDN'T THINK THAT and he blamed everyone else for decisions he made even senseless ones like we are late home because ds wanted to eat soup AT HOME therfore it's HIS FAULT we are late home.....on no planet does that make sense

Without the OP explaining whether DS's insistence on soup at home either made them later leaving than DH had planned or made dinner later than DH would reasonably have expected it's hard to tell if DS wanting soup is what left DH short of time or not.

If DS insisting on soup did alter the timings, then yes, it isn't DH's fault, it is because of DS. (Not that I would say it's a "fault" issue, it's just one of those things). If DS insisting on soup didn't alter the timings in any way, then I can't see why DH is bringing it up? Maybe as a PP says, I'm just lucky enough not to have met anyone who would blame a completely unrelated incident, and therefore I am assuming that DS wanting soup did indeed have an impact either directly or as a knock on effect on timings in one way or another.

OP does seem insistent on fault and blame on her DH. Sometimes things just don't pan out as planned, but there's no fault and no blame. Sometimes people just want their partner's support and empathy when they find themselves in a less than ideal situation. Not everything has to be about fault and blame.

this 100%. I swear to god people on mumsnet post some of the most obtuse comments I have ever seen on the internet.

Of course it isn't about the fucking potatoes, though throwing out food instead of just like not being a big baby is ridiculous.

It would drive me crazy too if my OH was constantly telling me I was wrong and never taking responsibility for his own decisions. Men get away with so much that women never could.

The DS is 6! Whether he eats soup at home at 3pm is still the DH's responsibility!
If I wanted to go out, I'd make sure my kids were fed in good time or I'd buy them something when we were out, what with me being the adult and in charge.
There is no situation in which the 6 year old is at fault.

edited for typo

But I don't think this is an issue where anyone is at fault. It just is what it is. We've all dealt with children who derail things and make us later than planned. It's not a fault issue, it's just a life issue. We sometimes put our children's wants first, and it can come at a time/convenience cost to us.

OP is insistent that there is blame and her DH is at fault.

He's presumably just saying that DS wanted soup, so they ended up running later than planned. "We were later than planned because DS wanted soup" isn't blame. It's just a fact (assuming it did lead directly, or indirectly to them being late).

There is no fault. Not on DH. Not on DS. It's just one of those things. Life works out like that sometimes.

However, equally, her DH was, not unreasonably, not happy that he ended up pressed for time. I suspect he was looking for support and empathy, not blame and a tongue lashing.

I think there's a very unhealthy dynamic in this relationship. Too much blame, not enough support. It quite possibly works both ways.

But the dh blamed the child, which put OPs back up. Wouldn't most people, if faced with some unplanned for event, that was going to significantly reduce time for food and rest before work, just go out another day instead? Not do it anyway and then blame the kid?

I'm sure you're right that he wanted sympathy but if he had a habit of gaslighting the OP about things she said/didn't say, I can see why that empathy would be hard to come by.

I do also agree that this is an unhealthy dynamic and they need relationship counselling or to go their separate ways. Once contempt creeps in, it's very hard to go back from that.

I’m aghast at some at some of the posts.

In no way does it appear that OP has been nagging. Just inquiring why there was a deviation from the plan. I’m the meal planner in our house and if I told DH to make butter chicken and naan then saw him making chips I’d also politely ask about the change.

Chucking away the potatoes was a bit passive aggressive. Escalation in fact.

Mumsnet’s default is to always blame the Op.

No one likes an interfering nag but there’s no reason to assume this of Op.

If Op had posted a reverse. Posters would have been lambasting her for not following the plan.

Mumsnet is filled with people who assume the worst and enjoy kicking a person when they are down.

I know it's a old trope to chuck out but he does sound very much like my adhd husband and kids.
Processes info badly then has complete inner panic when confronted that they got it wrong then will swear blind the sky is red even though its blue 😳

I suppose the point posters are making though is that neither of the things the OP has mentioned are really what most people would call a “mistake”. Not everything has to be a big drama of fault and blame.

Questioning the kind of potato being made for a meal and then doubling down and asking for a reason why, and ruling that as a mistake, is nagging really and it’s quite petty. So yeah, chucking the potatoes away is a petty response to a petty comment. But everyone has those moments sometimes of “okay fine, if you’re going to winge at me for doing it I just won’t bother”! EVERYBODY is guilty of having those moments sometimes, although none of us would be proud of them.

It also just all depends on the state a relationship is in at the time. If you’re in a happy and pleasant relationship then you politely asking why he’s making chips probably would be no big deal, of course not, in fact it might even be meal time chat! BUT as OP has said, the relationship isn’t in a great place anyway, she quite obviously holds a lot of contempt towards him, so in THAT context, and when going in with the attitude of “you’ve made a mistake”, you can’t argue thats in any way the same as politely asking a question in a happy relationship.