Arguments over dinner, it's always somebody else's fault with him.

[SparkleSmash]

We did our weekly food shop at Tesco on Monday. I got a roast chicken and rosemary parmenter potatoes with it for a mini 'roast' in the week + 5 or so other meals. We then nipped to Iceland afterwards where I saw some loaded potatoe skins and suggested we could make our own at some point in the week.

DP is cooking this evening as I have a stinking migraine. A roast he says. I go into the kitchen to see him scooping potatoe out of the skins. Confused, I ask what he's making. A roast he says. With cheese and bacon loaded potato skins.

I ask why he's doing that instead of using the rosemary & garlic parmenter potatos.

He then tells me that I said we are having loaded potato skins with the roast chicken when I never said any such thing. I suggest he must have misunderstood as that's not the case, he digs his heels in and insists that I did. He will not be budged. I know I didn't say that as it's not something I'd generally pair with a roast chicken.

Admittedly I'm getting slightly annoyed at this point as its a running theme. If he ever makes a mistake, which we all do and is no big deal, he never owns it and always passes it off as somebody else's fault. Every time. That is what has annoyed me, not the simple mistake.

I said it doesn't matter now we'll eat it regardless. He throws the potato's in the bin, still insisting that I said it.

I wish I could say this is an isolated thing but it isn't. The man is completely unprepared to own his mistakes whether something insignificant like this or something more important. It's always somebody else's fault.

We haven't been getting on very well lately and as you might have guessed there are deeper problems, but am I the unreasonable one here?

Fantastic video! Thanks for posting.

He's cooking. Be grateful.

And honestly, if you did have a stinking migraine you really wouldn't be up to going into the kitchen to look at what was cooking and then find fault with it.

Migraine puts me in my bed, needing to lie very still in a dark room or I'll vomit and collapse. I can't see or speak. You're clearly up to quarrelling with your DH and then posting about it on Mumsnet.

Be honest and call it a 'slight headache'.

*I ask what he's making. A roast he says. With cheese and bacon loaded potato skins.

I ask why he's doing that instead of using the rosemary & garlic parmenter potatos.*

He answered the simple question nicely. Then OP persisted with a loaded question implying his answer was the wrong answer & wrong potatoes.

Surprised by the responses on this thread. I get exactly what you mean.

It's a minor misunderstanding - you thought he was going to do the rosemary potatoes; he understood you to mean you planned for the loaded skins. It is enormously more restful in a relationship if it's sometimes his turn to say 'oh! Gosh, totally didn't get that from you when we were shopping, oops!' rather than a childish strop. It doesn't matter which potatoes he does, of course, and it's not unreasonable for him to have a different memory of the shopping trip than you do. But frankly, if my partner had a migraine I would probably just go with 'oops, we miscommunicated there, never mind' or 'actually, I thought this was what you wanted and I thought it sounded nice, so that's what I'm doing'. I would not throw stuff in the bin.

I understand this to be part of the ordinary 'oil on the squeaky wheel' kind of communication that makes a relationship work.

This may seem like missing the point of the thread but if you genuinely had a migraine the last thing you'd be doing is posting about potatoes on MN.

Which tells me that you've probably got a headache but are prone to dramatics...does it really matter which potatoes he cooked

Sorry, I don't think I understand your response.

My reading of the situation is that if OPs DH does something different to how OP does it, he's questioned and has to justify why to her. And no doubt the incorrect response will get him a tongue lashing. So he's become defensive and started to try to justify things that were perfectly fine in the first place and shouldn't have been questioned in the first place.

I'm not sure if you're agreeing with my interpretation or disagreeing with it.

FWIW, as I said, I'm more like OP and my DH more like her DH. And I have learnt that it's not OK to enforce "my" way of doing things on him. His judgements and decisions are equally as valid as mine. When I was constantly questioning (even though I thought it was benign) DH became quite anxious because he felt he was letting me down and doing things "wrong". But they weren't "wrong", just different.

It is very clear from OPs wording that she thinks her DH is "wrong" because he doesn't do things how she would. He's not. He's probably walking on eggshells wondering what he's going to be pulled up for next. So, yes, that will make him defensive and feel like he has to justify everything.

Yes precisely. I mean if there was some kind of emergency that meant you had to look at a screen then you would, but not to post about potatoes 😂

You have misunderstood.

It wasn't me who was annoyed about him being home late it was him.

He came in stressing about it, moaning, saying he isn't going to have enough time to eat and get much sleep before work, he was royally pissed off about how little time he had left before work and was blaming that on the fact DS wanted soup.

My point was that it was daft to wait until late afternoon to take the kids on a day out when he knew he had work shortly and wanted X amount of time to eat and sleep before he went.

It wasn't DS' fault that his dad spontaneously decided to go for a long afternoon out when he had work that night.

It didn't bother me what time he got home. At all. It bothered me that he was blaming DS when it was his own fault for not managing his time better.

I think a few posters maybe need to read up on what a migraine can be like: https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/brain-nerves-and-spinal-cord/migraine/#:~:text=migraine%20aura%20without%20headache%2C%20also,are%20experienced%2C%20without%20a%20headache

Migraine is not a synonym for a bad headache; it can have different forms.

The food wouldn’t bother me,the never admitting he was wrong would!I had an ex that never apologised for any mistake he EVER made,god it wears you down.To say I was delighted when we split up is an understatement.

So rather than sympathising with your DH who is tired and running late (which I'm sure he didn't intend to do) "Oh well, DH never mind, plough on through today and we'll have an early night tomorrow", you decided to call him daft and tell him it was all his own fault and what did he expect. And of course, you would have done things so much better than that.

Sometimes it's not about being right or being wrong, it's about being a supportive empathetic partner.

Even from your posts on here, OP, I can tell you are never, ever wrong and never, ever make a mistake. Must be exhausting to live with.

(And if DS did want soup, then that will have made them later than DH anticipated. Entirely possible he left at the correct time to get home at a reasonable hour, but he simply didn't happen to mindread that DS would want soup.)

At the point of going into the kitchen I had just woken up after spending an hour and half in bed, knocked out, after taking sumitriptan. I felt considerably better than I had all day.

I have a diagnosis of chronic migraine and have approximately 25 out of 30 days of migraine per month. I'm on a regime of propanolol, nortryptiline and medical botox which is administered at the hospital (under the NHS) every 4 months.

I had brain surgery in October for a seperate but serious condition, which has made the migraines worse if anything.

Now I've said that, I'm sure people will recognise who I am and some will recall the extent of the problems I've had with DP.

Please do not patronise patronise people or assume you know more their health than they do. I fucking WISH all I had to deal with was a slight headache.

DS wanted soup at home which had absolutely no baring on the amount of time they were out.

I'm hiding the thread I should have known better than posting here. Thank you to those of you who get it, and those who don't but managed to put that across without being an arse about it.

OP I am sorry you are not getting much support on here.

I understand what you are saying. It must be absolutely infuriating to live with someone who can never be in the wrong and never admit their own mistakes.

Unfortunately, this is not a character trait he will be able to change, even if he wanted to change it would take so many years of hard work on his part, and I strongly suspect he will never admit the need to change himself.

Your only two choice are to either find a way to live with it, or to leave him.

You've got a stinking migraine so get off your screen? Stop telling others how to cook?

Oh grow up, you've given plenty of insults back.

(And yes, you did complain about the potatoes...)

In terms of not admitting to their own mistakes I'd say they're well suited at one thing at least!

OK, I don't understand how soup at home made them get home later.

Can you explain why your DH thought that DS requesting soup cut down on his available time?

Because getting home at 7.30 when needing to be at work for 9 seems absolutely fine to me. Presumably dinner (soup or otherwise) was ready when they got home? So plenty of time to eat then an hour or so nap.

Is it something like DS wanting home cooked soup (rather than or in addition to what was already prepped) meant that dinner was later than planned? In which case I can see his point. Otherwise it makes no sense.

On the off chance you are still reading OP, I do understand.

It's hard to fully explain what it's like when it's the straw that breaks the camels back.

I do know what you mean, my dad was like this. If his deodorant ran out, it was my mam's fault for not knowing it had ran out, or if he slightly burnt something for tea, it was the oven's fault. He wasn't nasty, he wasn't abusive etc, but he just didn't see anything as his fault.

I'd trust him to cook a nice meal of his choice. You should have been lying down in a dark room if you had a migraine not checking up on his cooking!

Oh my lord the parmamtier blimmin potatoes can be eaten with an omelette or Kiev later in the week. They won't go to waste!

Everything is always somebody else's fault

This is the real problem and point of the thread imho.

My ex was like this! To the point it was a bit of a known thing/running joke among family and friends. The Die Hard quote "She's heard me say I love you a thousand times. She never heard me say I'm sorry" often referenced drove me nuts!

It could also be an example of weaponised incompetence

Yep I thought that too. Is it mostly you that cooks op? Does he pull his weight/do his share of both chores and mental load?

was he frightened of his DPs and punished if he made a mistake so he hides it? If he can't "own" any mistake because he's frightened of a particular outcome how does he manage mistakes at work - or is everyone else wrong except him?

Could be that

Could be plain narcissism

In my exes case it was cos he was the youngest kid and the older ones were always blamed for his mistakes, his parents babied him, his eldest brother no longer speaks to him at all partly because of this.

I saw the public transport delay story and also fail to see how that was his fault either? Do you also blame him for the train strikes? Public transport is unreliable and often delayed but no one looks at the customers and goes “it’s your mistake, you should have left earlier”

Because he KNEW he had a late work shift and already knows public transport can be hit and miss yet still chose a last min lengthy day trip

said he'd been reading up about something called "Peter pan syndrome" which he felt he could relate to.

Yep! My ex all over. Maddening! They can never take even constructive criticism and massively over react

He wasn’t late leaving, he left when he wanted to.

Except it resulted in additional stress for him inc less time to sleep before his shift which he took out on the children who had NO choice or responsibility in the matter

I feel like your DP's fan club is commenting here.

Right? I've been away a while what's happened to mn? Influx of cool wives or men posing as such? Geez

OMG people it’s not about the bloody potatoes!

This!

And a million Italians cried out then were silent

This is clearly not about the dinner but as you say his total unwillingness to ever accept he's wrong!

Throwing the potatoes out was him effectively throwing a tantrum! Pathetic!!

MrsTerryPratchett excellent video long time no see eh?

Oh - and everyone experiences migraine differently! Shocker

“Everything is always somebody else's fault”

-This is the real problem and point of the thread imho-. Graphista

I rather think that the point of the thread is that everything not to plan must be a mistake which is always the DH’s fault and OP is fed up that he doesn’t agree.

The examples of mistakes are such non-issues when posters generally choose the biggest and best for their examples.

Cooking loaded potato skins - not a mistake. There is no blame or fault to assign. DH doesn’t need to admit he “misunderstood” anything.

Getting home later than planned when public transport is used- not a mistake, but a regular expected occurrence. DH doesn’t need to be told he is daft and made a mistake by not leaving earlier.

OP can’t even come up with a decent example of a real mistake.

I can’t see what he did wrong

he was cooking a nice meal, just slightly different from what YOU wanted, the wrong kind of potato.., sorry but that is a ridiculous thing to pick and argue about

it sounds like you are angry with him, and only you know why (I am sure there is a valid reason 😁😬) but surely it is not about the wrong potatoes…