“You can’t possibly have a baby in that flat”

[Mellowpink]

DH and I are in our late 30s and finally decided to start trying for a baby before it’s too late. Mentioned this to my sister, expecting excitement, but she had a totally different reaction. We live in Zone 3 SW London in a 2 bed 3rd floor flat. It's an old building, so no lift, just steep stairs. And our second "bedroom" is more like a box room, currently my home office.

My sister insists it's too dangerous and cramped to raise a child here. I said I’m sure we could make it work, but she says I just don't get it as I'm not a parent yet. We've thought about moving, but staying close to central London for work is a must as we are hybrid workers. We looked at houses in Surrey but prices seem to be crazy, and with interest rates, we'd be paying a more just to inconvenience ourselves by being further out.

Am I crazy to think we can handle raising a baby here?

I think it’s fine and normal in the U.K. nowadays. However it’s worth noting just in case it’s of any relevance that it’s easier to get a mortgage as a couple without dc and easier to move without dc in case you might eventually want to be in a house and might make it a possibility before having any.

i lived in a semi with paperthin walls when i had first dc and it was a mega pain shushing dc alllll the time to prevent neighbours having a tantrum. I’m now in a detached house having moved miles from London to do so and dc just a noisy but no more shhhh shhhh stfu 😂 so much less stressful but obviously not everyone can move.

A studio flat? I’m not of the ilk who think you need a 6 figure salary and mansion to have children. But not even having a room for them to sleep in so you don’t have to creep around them and can get on with things? The buggy, all their stuff being piled into one room with yours? That really would be hell!

Honestly, TTC first. There's no guarantees. If you are fortunate, you can always look to move in the future. I've always thought it must be heart breaking if you buy the big house and garden in the suburbs, then having fertility issues.

I did it. Third floor, no lift, was having to get pregnancies over and done with before able to have major surgery to correct my severely curved and twisted spine so both pregnancies were high risk due to my deformities.
Just get the baby safely away in the flat and then do the rest, and it was before online food shopping was as it is now, I think maybe Iceland did it but not anywhere else.
I can’t even remember it being a problem! It was just life, that’s where we could afford to live so that’s where we brought up our babies and we were happy about it. My kids have fond memories of the place.

I type this sitting in my fucking massive 5 bedroom house so looking back, would it have been easier, obviously yes. But I couldn’t have that then and I certainly wasn’t going to let a few flights of stairs stop me from having a family!

It's OK if you are well. But you could find yourself housebound if there's any issues during pregnancy or after birth. As said, there are in between choices. My youngest GC has dyspraxia and hypermobility, so pramuse doesn't necessarily end at two. I agree with not delaying ttc and perhaps get your hormones checked.

My aunt brought up her baby in a tiny apartment in Paris, 4th floor and no lift. She did have a car and parking outside so would
leave the pram base in the car and carry the top part up with the baby in. At times she struggled but she was alone, her main issue was carrying food shopping up but you have a partner to help.

Have the baby and if it doesn’t work reassess the living conditions. Good luck.

Oh god honestly if there was ever a first world reaction to having a kid, that's it. People have kids living on rubbish dumps, it' might not be ideal, but it can work. You'll be fine OP. Your sister needs a reality check for most of the world!

Probably shit for your downstairs neighbours, too.

I know, right? Same in Berlin where I lived for a while (and surely also in many other places).

It's perfectly fine and workable, as pp have said. You'll manage.
Not everyone has the luxury of a house to raise a child in!

My friend had her baby in 3rd floor flat, was quite a big flat so space wasn’t so much of an issue but what she did to combat the pram issue was leave pram in boot of car and just carry baby up the stairs in carrier and then just in arms as they got bigger. Not sure if you have a car but if so that might work.

I'm not a parent and I agree with your sister. It sounds hellish. Massively impractical. You're going to be lugging things up and down until the end of time, and there's so such thing as nipping round the block to settle to sleep. You're going to be exhausted.

When they're a toddler and want to walk up/down all the stairs it's going to take you 2 hours to get out of the door or be a tantrum every time.

I had my banyin a small 2 bed flat with no lift. It was absolutely fine. Loads of people have children in small flats.

TBH I’d try and move at least to a ground floor/1st floor flat/maisonette if not a house before you have a baby. It’s no fun carting a baby, pram and shopping up 3 flights of stairs. Especially when wrangling a toddler later on.

It’s certainly doable in theory but not something I’d do out of choice. We had a toddler in a 2nd floor flat with no lift for about 6 months and it was a bloody nightmare. Neighbours underneath constantly complaining every time DC cried was horrible as well. Made me really depressed and was probably one of the worst periods in my life. I’d lived in flats pre DC with no issue.

The relief of being able to walk out the front door onto the street (and having a garden again) was unbelievable when we moved back into a house!

People draw on their own experiences, your situation sounds like hell to me but plenty of the parents on this thread disagree. Personally in your late 30s I’d invest time and energy into TTC, where you live is a conversation for another day.

I would say wherever you live and whatever you do, please don’t get a pram where the baby carrier clips into it, they’re not good for small babies at all.

Who do you think you are? She lives in a 2 bed flat in London - what kind of “environment” is it you think this baby is going to be subjected to?

What an obnoxious, elitist attitude you clearly have. Your opinion on how people should live is not fact. Your home is not everyone’s ideal. You are just a snob.

Honestly OP, if you listen to some replies here, you’ll change your mind about having a baby full stop, even if you live in a six bed detached! 😂 And I did NOT have a unicorn baby.

Yep, I said upthread - loads of snobbery and assumptions being made about us who live in flats.

We've raised my DD in a flat, she's 14 now! Her bedroom is quite big but other than that no difference to your situation. It was more important for us to continue living in the area we live in than move to a house in the sticks. No harm has been done to my daughter, and all her friends live in flats too (west end of Glasgow). At the risk of sounding like a snob, the suburban, new build lifestyle is not the environment I'd choose.

Hush!

I feel a bit stressed at the steep stairs, I sort of worry you'll feel trapped up there and not get out much

Have you a car to leave the buggy in ? That might be easier than going up and down

Of course you're not crazy. People told me we would have to move when we had our second son.

If they broadened their minds they would see how silly they sound.

I'm sure you're already aware that not having easy access to a garden and being 3 floors up is going to present challenges.

Won't you be gadding about London having lots of fun all the time anyway? 😀

Are you mad? So many provincial pearl clutches on this thread 😅

@Mellowpink We had one baby in one bedroom flat, two in a two and then three in a 3 bed house- so always shared. As babies and toddlers it was fantastic- choice of clinics, playgrounds, toddler groups. I would leave the buggy in the car or at the bottom of the stairs and used a sling. Eventually a dog pushed us into leafy suburbia (zone 2)and now they've all left home, we're itching to get back to central London. London schools are very good and you've got options.

It's not ideal but I wouldn't delay TTC over this.

We didn't use a pram for the first 6 months of DD's life btw. Just the sling.

Hi
I was in a very similar position with my first
2 bed flat in SW London. 3 rd floor flat no lift.
Once in the flat it was all absolutely fine no issue at all.
The buggy is the issue- we had a bin store cupboard outside- we cleaned it up put a lock on door and kept the buggy in there with bin just outside. Worked fine if a bit annoying when trying to move sleeping baby!

Is something like that an option?

However I will say being on mat leave in SW London with thriving NCT groups, play groups, buggy walks on the commons, trips into central London was a total joy and one of the happiest times for me!

We did feel the need to move when we had our second as getting a 2 year old and newborn up the stairs alone was very hard- but we moved right out and bought a 3 bed house with garden for the same value as our flat.

So I say stick it out and try to think of plans for buggies / slings etc - good luck