To say sorry, I've made other plans?

[Snowchoc]

I asked a man to an event re a mutual interest. Not really a date, but just the two of us when usually we'd go as a group. Other friends weren't available this time.

Anyway 3 days ago he said he "should" be able to go. I replied OK then is that confirmed , 8pm? He hadsn't replied. I hate it when people keep their options open and I don't know if I have plans or not!

The event is tomorrow, I'm not chasing him up. If he does come back I'm going to say sorry, you didn't get back to me, I've made other plans and take my son out to dinner.

AIBU or would you expect me to still be free, as it was my original invitation?

It's a bit weird to plan something literally to teach someone a lesson. If you don't think he's into you then don't talk to him anymore, and be honest about your reasons.

I absolutely hate this OP, I’m totally with you. I wouldn’t make plans with him again.

Does he know that there’s only 2 of you going, so that your attendance is entirely dependent on him? If he is aware of this then yes he is rude and I’d make other plans

Yes, he does. I possibly also what's making him reticent, which could be nerves or could be horror at the idea 🤣

BIL writes should. I read it as a maybe. DH reads it as yes.

Could be a miscommunication

It's not to teach him a lesson, it's because if I'm free I'll arrange something else to do on a Friday night.

Anyway 3 days ago he said he "should" be able to go. I replied OK then is that confirmed , 8pm?

He has probably stepped back because you took a should to mean confirmed

If someone said to me they should be able to go I would have replied 'ok just let me know' - I would have perhaps added 'by X day so I can replan if you can't manage' depending on circumstances.

I'm not about cutting off my nose though.

If you do say you’d made other plans because he didn’t get back to you, it will probably make it sound like it was a date, as opposed to you were wanted to go there anyway and thought you’d ask him casually

I don't see it as cutting off my nose, more valuing myself/my time. If he doesn't want to come that fine, but I need to know so I can do something else with the time, if he's not coming.

Am I supposed to stay in on a Friday night just in case he decides he hasn't got a better offer? I don't see how that helps me.

YANBU and I wouldn’t be asking him to anything else, even as part of a group what he has done is rude

It depends whether by doing this you are actually going to miss out on going to the event which presumably is your preferred option.

YANBU - he can’t expect people to plan their lives around his wishy washy communication. I would get on with your plans with your son.

If have liked to go, but DS is good company and we don't get many evenings when we're both free, so that will be good too. TBH if I'd realised DS was free, I might not have asked friend in the first place.

Your last text ended with a ?. He never responded so I would take it that it is absolutely not definite and make other plans.

I think he has backed off / changed his mind but can't be bothered letting you know.

If he does come back on the assumption you are still meeting up I would just say "you didn't respond to my last text regarding a time so I have made other plans. Maybe another time."

Don't let anyone keep you dangling, it shows a lack of consideration and respect.

I'm also wondering if he's nervous that's it's a date,rather than a casual meet up because you are going anyway. Go with your plan and it sounds that you going hinged on him going with you. If you are in danger of ending up with nothing to do, then check, with him, or tell him you aren't going. You don't gameplay with mates.

I’d take the “should” as non-committal

Well, would your son be interested in going to the event with you? Why is going alone not possible, if this is an interest of yours?

Is that not what he's doing, game playing?

He knows it's not a date, he might not like the idea of being alone with me, but he definitely knows I don't have designs on him.

No he wouldn't and I could go alone, but I don't want to.

I don’t understand why you said “ok is that confirmed, 8pm” in response to his non committal response. I would have said something like ok let me know.

This. He didn’t commit x

Yes and then I don't know if I have plans or not, which is what I wanted to avoid.

Just send him a message saying “hey, I just want to check if we are on for Friday as I have been invited somewhere else and don’t want to turn that down if you can’t make it”

Do people really just hang around waiting for friends to commit until the last minute? Is that a normal way to live?

Just message him saying "Hello, just thought I'd see if you wanted to go tomorrow to X event or not? Can you let me know ASAP as my son is around that evening and has asked if I'd like to do something, so I need to know if I'm free or not! Thanks!"