Page 4 | To say sorry, I've made other plans?

Snowchoc · 2024-02-15T10:29:34+00:00

I asked a man to an event re a mutual interest. Not really a date, but just the two of us when usually we'd go as a group. Other friends weren't available this time. Anyway 3 days ago he said he "should" be able to go. I replied OK then is that confirmed , 8pm? He hadsn't replied. I hate it when people keep their options open and I don't know if I have plans or not! The event is tomorrow, I'm not chasing him up. If he does come back I'm going to say sorry, you didn't get back to me, I've made other plans and take my son out to dinner. AIBU or would you expect me to still be free, as it was my original invitation?

Idontjetwashthefucker · 15/02/2024 15:24

I wouldn't send him a message, he hasn't bothered confirming or otherwise so I'd take that as a no, he isn't coming. Don't chase him, go out with your son instead

mondaytosunday · 15/02/2024 15:43

Hate this kind of thing. I'd shoot him another message saying 'haven't heard back from you so I've made other plans'. And next time you make arrangements with anyone, say 'I need to know by X date and time'.
I have a friend who does this 'can I let you know on the day' thing and I'm like, no, if you can't go I want the opportunity to ask someone else (who can commit and isn't waiting for a better offer).

OdinsHorse · 15/02/2024 15:48

mightydolphin · 15/02/2024 10:34

It's a bit weird to plan something literally to teach someone a lesson. If you don't think he's into you then don't talk to him anymore, and be honest about your reasons.

Am i missing something "It's a bit weird to plan something literally to teach someone a lesson" ?

slore · 15/02/2024 16:10

OP, he is annoying, but you are planning to play a childish game in response.

Just say to him "I need confirmation from you by XXX time today, otherwise I'll assume it's cancelled".

There's no need to leave him to assume it's still going on, when it could have just been an innocent miscommunication on his part.

OooScotland · 15/02/2024 16:13

Sounds as if he’s backing off because its just the two of you and he thinks you might be into him. (My DH used to think every woman who passed the time of day was into him 🙄)

The ‘should’ thing would drive me batty. I’d just cancel if I were you, and don’t give a reason, he won’t cop on to anything you say to try and explain that as he didn’t get back to you etc etc.

And don’t arrange anything with him again unless you’re certain there’ll be a few others going.

IncompleteSenten · 15/02/2024 16:15

I hate not being absolutely sure of plans. People can be so vague and it's infuriating. A good way I've found to handle it is to say ok, let me know either way by X day.

Then it's crystal clear and if they don't confirm by the day then I assume they aren't coming. Plus you get to say I asked you to confirm by X day and you didn't so I assumed you weren't going to make it. I'm not available any more 🤷

AGoingConcern · 15/02/2024 16:22

I hate that too, but I also understand that people have different planning styles and often get busy and forget to respond or are unsure in certain social situations, so I communicate directly.

"Hey, just checking in on our convo from yesterday. Are we confirmed for the concert on Saturday? If not I'll go ahead and make other plans. Let me know tonight either way please."

"I never heard back from you about Saturday so I went ahead and made other plans. Have a great weekend."

Waiting around for the chance to gleefully snub him is childish.

clpsmum · 15/02/2024 16:34

@Snowchoc in that case I'd text him asap to either confirm or cancel. Give him a time frame. Even better phone him and ask him

Idontjetwashthefucker · 15/02/2024 16:55

slore · 15/02/2024 16:10

OP, he is annoying, but you are planning to play a childish game in response.

Just say to him "I need confirmation from you by XXX time today, otherwise I'll assume it's cancelled".

There's no need to leave him to assume it's still going on, when it could have just been an innocent miscommunication on his part.

Not seeing where OP is playing childish games?

asdunno · 15/02/2024 17:10

I'd firstly decide if I still want to go myself

If I did I would message-

Hi are you still ok for tomorrow?

If I heard nothing I'd assume not. And confirm with ds.

If I didn't really want to go I would message-

Hi somethings come up so I'm not free tomorrow. See you soon

slore · 15/02/2024 17:23

Idontjetwashthefucker · 15/02/2024 16:55

Not seeing where OP is playing childish games?

Show quote history

Knowingly waiting to see if it was a miscommunication and he still thinks it's happening, just so she can say no, I've made other plans now.

She can fix this today.

SweetBirdsong · 15/02/2024 17:24

I am with you @Snowchoc Just say 'sorry I have made other plans now. You didn't message for several days so I assumed you couldn't make it.' I HATE HATE HATE being fucked around. Just tell me straight, yes or no, and tell me soon please... Within a day if possible! I do have a life, and other friends, and family, and a job! (Although it is flexible WFH hours I am still busy and still have to do a certain amount of hours in a week.) Don't jerk me around for days on end. As you say, it feels like they're waiting for something 'better' to come along.

I have a 'friend' who I have known for quite a long time - 25-ish years, and it's always me who gets in touch with her, and tbh I am sick of it. (Been this way for about 7-8 years.) Before Christmas, (on 1st December,) I messaged her and said 'hey, are you up for meeting for a coffee and a chat soon?'

She messaged back THREE days later, (on the 4th of Dec,) and said 'I need to look at my diary/work days and let you know.' She works in a job that has differing shifts, and they get their shift rota in advance that they're working the following month. I thought why the F didn't you look first and let me know when you wanted to meet, instead of just messaging me - THREE DAYS after I messaged you - to say 'I'll let you know?'

I said 'OK cool. I can make it any weekday in December, (w/c 4th December, w/c 11th December, and wc 18th December,) as I am only busy on the weekends and a few of the evenings... Let me know soon if you can.' (I WFH and have very flexible hours so can pretty much meet any time most of the time!)

It was another FOUR days before she messaged me with a suggested date. So 7 days in total to get a fucking answer!) Normally I would fire her another message if she didn't get back to me within 2-3 days, but I thought 'fuck it, let her contact me. It's always me!' And I regretted saying 'I am free (during the weekdays) all month up to the Christmas weekend,' and wished I had said ' I am free AT THE MOMENT! But may not be for long...'

I wanted to plan a couple of things, like appointments, and things with my DC, DH, and another friend, and because she hasn't answered me, I didn't know what date she wanted to meet, and was worried about double-booking. As I said, I wish I had said 'I am available these days at the moment!'

As I said, I hate these 'I'll let you know' fuckers who piss you about, and make you wait and wait, and keep you hanging. It's so rude. I have decided I am not contacting her again now, and am going to wait for her. If she is interested in maintaining contact, she will contact me. Right now though, I CBA. I met her 19th December, and had a quick coffee and a chat, and haven't heard from her since.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 15/02/2024 17:37

Christmaslights21 · 15/02/2024 10:36

I absolutely hate this OP, I’m totally with you. I wouldn’t make plans with him again.

This! I would make other plans in this case.

even if my plans were going to the gym and spending the rest of my evening on the sofa with a book or Netflix.

But that’s simply because I hate this kind of behaviour.

hottchocolate · 15/02/2024 17:40

I think you're perfectly within your rights to make other plans but I suspect you want to make a point (which I get)

sandyhappypeople · 15/02/2024 17:52

SweetBirdsong · 15/02/2024 17:24

I am with you @Snowchoc Just say 'sorry I have made other plans now. You didn't message for several days so I assumed you couldn't make it.' I HATE HATE HATE being fucked around. Just tell me straight, yes or no, and tell me soon please... Within a day if possible! I do have a life, and other friends, and family, and a job! (Although it is flexible WFH hours I am still busy and still have to do a certain amount of hours in a week.) Don't jerk me around for days on end. As you say, it feels like they're waiting for something 'better' to come along.

I have a 'friend' who I have known for quite a long time - 25-ish years, and it's always me who gets in touch with her, and tbh I am sick of it. (Been this way for about 7-8 years.) Before Christmas, (on 1st December,) I messaged her and said 'hey, are you up for meeting for a coffee and a chat soon?'

She messaged back THREE days later, (on the 4th of Dec,) and said 'I need to look at my diary/work days and let you know.' She works in a job that has differing shifts, and they get their shift rota in advance that they're working the following month. I thought why the F didn't you look first and let me know when you wanted to meet, instead of just messaging me - THREE DAYS after I messaged you - to say 'I'll let you know?'

I said 'OK cool. I can make it any weekday in December, (w/c 4th December, w/c 11th December, and wc 18th December,) as I am only busy on the weekends and a few of the evenings... Let me know soon if you can.' (I WFH and have very flexible hours so can pretty much meet any time most of the time!)

It was another FOUR days before she messaged me with a suggested date. So 7 days in total to get a fucking answer!) Normally I would fire her another message if she didn't get back to me within 2-3 days, but I thought 'fuck it, let her contact me. It's always me!' And I regretted saying 'I am free (during the weekdays) all month up to the Christmas weekend,' and wished I had said ' I am free AT THE MOMENT! But may not be for long...'

I wanted to plan a couple of things, like appointments, and things with my DC, DH, and another friend, and because she hasn't answered me, I didn't know what date she wanted to meet, and was worried about double-booking. As I said, I wish I had said 'I am available these days at the moment!'

As I said, I hate these 'I'll let you know' fuckers who piss you about, and make you wait and wait, and keep you hanging. It's so rude. I have decided I am not contacting her again now, and am going to wait for her. If she is interested in maintaining contact, she will contact me. Right now though, I CBA. I met her 19th December, and had a quick coffee and a chat, and haven't heard from her since.

Edited

I think part of the reason you were so annoyed is that you put all your future plans on hold for her, you should have just made any plans you wanted to make and if her plans (when she finally got back to you) did coincide with new plans you’d just say so!

I’ve been there before and it is so frustrating, I now no longer put ANY plans on hold for flaky people, they need to get in quick or tough, it’s a much easier way to live your life.. if you work round them you will ALWAYS be disappointed!

AGoingConcern · 15/02/2024 17:53

I wanted to plan a couple of things, like appointments, and things with my DC, DH, and another friend, and because she hasn't answered me, I didn't know what date she wanted to meet, and was worried about double-booking. As I said, I wish I had said 'I am available these days at the moment!'

I'm someone who prefers concrete plans, but my frustration level with people like this friend dropped dramatically when I realized that by and large they aren't actually expecting you to leave your schedule open indefinitely. They're comfortable with schedules and plans changing and don't see "I'm free during the week next month" as you offering a firm commitment to stay available. So just schedule what you need to schedule, and if they come back a week later and say "hey let's do lunch tuesday" you can say "I made an appointment for Tuesday, what about Wednesday?"

It's not my favorite planning style and I find myself gravitating towards friends more similar than me on that front, but I've stopped resenting people who just approach planning differently.

RockyRogue1001 · 15/02/2024 18:10

Is it deeply sad that I want to know how this ends?

Noseybookworm · 15/02/2024 18:13

I would text him and say that as you haven't heard back from him to confirm, you've made other plans and leave it at that. That way, he can't say that you didn't let him know!

Cakeandcardio · 15/02/2024 19:21

Snowchoc · 15/02/2024 10:53

Do people really just hang around waiting for friends to commit until the last minute? Is that a normal way to live?

Well no. He knows by now whether he can make it or not. He's being very weird so I would just plan a nice night with your son and if he gets in contact say sorry but you made other plans as he didn't get back to you. Maybe he will realise he's been a dick. Your time is aa valuable as his.

SweetBirdsong · 15/02/2024 20:37

@AGoingConcern

I'm someone who prefers concrete plans, but my frustration level with people like this friend dropped dramatically when I realized that by and large they aren't actually expecting you to leave your schedule open indefinitely. They're comfortable with schedules and plans changing and don't see "I'm free during the week next month" as you offering a firm commitment to stay available. So just schedule what you need to schedule, and if they come back a week later and say "hey let's do lunch tuesday" you can say "I made an appointment for Tuesday, what about Wednesday?"

It's not my favorite planning style and I find myself gravitating towards friends more similar than me on that front, but I've stopped resenting people who just approach planning differently.

Yeah I guess I need to try to change my ways a little bit, and not get so annoyed, as yeah she may not care much if I say 'no I can't make that date now.' (Well she shouldn't get annoyed, if she takes a week to get back to me with a date to meet!!!)

But anyway, next time, I will be saying 'I am available all month - except weekends and evenings - at the moment!'

Also, the thing is, with this particular friend; if she had come back after 7 days and said 'what about the 19th,' and I had said 'well I have made plans now, what about the 20th or 18th,' she would have taken potentially 4-7 days to get back to me again! Causing the same kind of problem as before! Me worried about planning something for those 2 dates now in case she says yes the 20th then! (Or 18th!) So I would feel compelled/obliged to keep the dates free. And in the end she would often come back and say 'sorry I can't make it til January now! I could only make the 19th!'

Thinking about it, she is such hard work to try and pin down to a date, and she takes so long to respond, and never messages me first, and hasn't been in touch for 2 months, that I am wondering now if she is even arsed. I am feeling like I'm not to be honest.

.

SweetBirdsong · 15/02/2024 20:37

@sandyhappypeople

I think part of the reason you were so annoyed 'sweetbirdsong' is that you put all your future plans on hold for her. You should have just made any plans you wanted to make and if her plans (when she finally got back to you) did coincide with new plans you’d just say so!

I’ve been there before and it is so frustrating, I now no longer put ANY plans on hold for flaky people, they need to get in quick or tough, it’s a much easier way to live your life.. if you work round them you will ALWAYS be disappointed!

Yes very true! Like I said, I made the mistake of not saying 'I am available all month except weekends and evenings, at the moment. But if you take a little while to get back to me, that could change. Hope to hear from you soon ...'

(I should have said that - or something like that!)

.

TheBerry · 16/02/2024 17:25

Snowchoc · 15/02/2024 10:48

Is that not what he's doing, game playing?

He knows it's not a date, he might not like the idea of being alone with me, but he definitely knows I don't have designs on him.

Show quote history

He’s not game playing, no. He’s being a bit flaky / noncommittal, maybe because he’s nervous like you said or because he’s someone who’s bad at knowing how be direct (not that that’s an excuse), but he’s not necessarily playing games at all.

beanii · 16/02/2024 17:38

Snowchoc · 15/02/2024 10:39

It's not to teach him a lesson, it's because if I'm free I'll arrange something else to do on a Friday night.

Show quote history

But the way you worded it sounds like you're going to say you're taking your son out to spite him 🤔

beanii · 16/02/2024 17:40

To me you sound petty.

Yes it's annoying BUT it takes 2 seconds to message and say 'still ok for tomorrow, it's just I have another offer' - not exactly hard 🤷‍♀️

GreyCarpet · 16/02/2024 17:49

beanii · 16/02/2024 17:40

To me you sound petty.

Yes it's annoying BUT it takes 2 seconds to message and say 'still ok for tomorrow, it's just I have another offer' - not exactly hard 🤷‍♀️

But she's already sent him the details amd he hasn't replied.

At this point, there is no plan just a suggestion. If he doesn't want people to make alternative plans he needs to reply.