To say sorry, I've made other plans?

[Snowchoc]

I asked a man to an event re a mutual interest. Not really a date, but just the two of us when usually we'd go as a group. Other friends weren't available this time.

Anyway 3 days ago he said he "should" be able to go. I replied OK then is that confirmed , 8pm? He hadsn't replied. I hate it when people keep their options open and I don't know if I have plans or not!

The event is tomorrow, I'm not chasing him up. If he does come back I'm going to say sorry, you didn't get back to me, I've made other plans and take my son out to dinner.

AIBU or would you expect me to still be free, as it was my original invitation?

I know. He's kind of on the fringes of our group, which frankly is all made up of people who've got no one else. But that's not as bad as it sounds, we're a bit like Friends 😆

From time to time one of us brings another in, maybe after a divorce or someone who's recently moved to the area. The group has been a godsend to me during a difficult time and as well as wanting someone to go out with this weekend, I thought it might be good for him, as last time I saw him he spent a lot of time telling me how lonely he is, so I thought he'd jump at the chance tbh.

Anyway lesson learned, I won't make any more effort for him or try and bring him into the group.

To hell with him, OP. You don't owe him anything. If he doesn't respect you and your time enough to give a straight answer and not keep you hanging, he's not worth it.

YANBU!

Perhaps give yourself a deadline and if you don't hear from him by then, let him know that as he hasn't responded/confirmed, you've made other plans. And leave it at that.

As you say, you won't bother to include him in future.

No,go to dinner with your ds.
He didn't confirm he was definitely going so I'd just do your own thing.

If I get any ‘should’ replies from friends then I reply let’s arrange a day that they can definitely do and then forget about the original date. I can’t be doing with not knowing what my plans are.

YANBU even if it is a miscommunication like pp said where should means yes rather than maybe, people should just speak clearly and mean what they say.

I wouldn't be making any space in my life for someone who hasn't learnt to say what they mean.

Your response would annoy me to be honest, I occasionally say 'should' instead of definitely because if something did come up and there's even a slim chance I may have to cancel (work, family or child issue), I wouldn't want you to think it was an absolute definite and be let down. OR if I had to arrange something to be able to come, like childcare or move work around, I would say 'should' instead of definitely, and then when I'd put arrangements in place I'd say definitely.

So 'should' to me means 'yes, assuming I can make arrangement, and unless something unforseen comes up', I would normally go on to confirm for definite as soon as I knew for definite though.

So if you then replied, that's confirmed then? 8pm? and tried to get me to say definitely, without giving me time to make arrangements, when I've literally just said I should be able to, I'd think you were being ridiculous and pushy.

He clearly didn't mean a firm yes anyway , or he'd have replied to my second message.

I'm surprised how many people think this is an OK way to treat friends.

No. If I need to know by a certain date I will make that clear.
Sometimes (say just for a casual lunch time walk) I'll keep it open - I'm going for a walk whether they join me or not.

For more organised things, or if I just want to know what's what then I'll say "please can you let me know by Tuesday".

Do you think it's OK to have your friends keep their diaries clear for you in case you have something more important to do?

What Hatty said.

This

Your response would annoy me to be honest, I occasionally say 'should' instead of definitely because if something did come up and there's even a slim chance I may have to cancel (work, family or child issue), I wouldn't want you to think it was an absolute definite and be let down

Would you then be put out if you messaged to firm up the plans and the person had made other plans in the interim or would you find that fair enough?

As I said upthread, it's not to teach anyone a lesson, it's because I want to do something with my Friday night and if it's not going to be that I'll arrange something else.

of course not, that's why I say 'should' to begin with, I then go away and make sure I definitely can, THEN I come back and say I definitely can, I would hate to let you down as a friend or lead you down the garden path by being too flippant.

I bloody HATE it when people say yes to something then at the last minute bail and let you down, I am not one of those people, but I sometimes need a little bit of time to make sure that is possible.

If someone came straight back and said I need you to confirm immediately, I'd probably just say no. I've got too many commitments to just leave it to chance, especially if it's something I wanted to do as I'd actively rearrange things to make it happen if I could.

I think you were pushy, you could have said something like, 'no problem, could you let me know for definite by tomorrow though otherwise I'll probably make other plans for that night'

"I should be able to make it" is shit and I'd have replied immediately "well can you let me know for sure ASAP so I can find someone else to take your ticket or make other plans"

I was only asking for confirmation 4 days beforehand.

Depends how long it was left, and how much notice before the event, I normally need a few hours to make sure I'm covered and free to go before I give a definite, as I make a point to not let people down once I've confirmed something. So if with a couple of hours I came back to confirm and they said 'well I've made other plans now' and there was still plenty of time before the event, I'd think they were being arsey.

If I left it till the eleventh hour before I said yes or no, I'd think 'fair enough' as I had kept them hanging.. I personally wouldn't do that though, I'd know within an hour or two if I could make it.

If someone MADE me say yes or no before I'd had chance to double check I'd just say no.

So had he agreed to go prior to that then? What did he say when you asked him originally?

No, he never said more than "should".

Evening of Day 1 I asked
Morning of day 2 he said "should"
Afternoon of day 2 I asked if it was confirmed. I've heard nothing since.
Today is day 4
Tomorrow is the event.

Have you checked if the other man who is now free can go? If so, could the two of you go anyway and if flaky man joins you, that's fine and if no, also fine.

If you'd prefer to do something with your son, do that. But if you can go to this thing you enjoy with one or both male friends, you could take your son out for dinner or lunch later on in the weekend.

The thing about your post that would really annoy me, is that furtive assumption men make that if you invite them to do something you must be in hot pursuit of their penis. How little they know.

@sandyhappypeople that sounds reasonable. Thank you, I always like hearing how other people's thought processes work about this stuff.

I like this. I wouldn’t go with him now because I’m a brat and I don’t like people not meeting me half way on the enthusiasm.

I’d say ‘was just about to respond to a Friday invitation and realise we’d left attending X a bit up in the air! Given that we hadn’t firmed anything up - I hope you dont mind if I go ahead with it. Look forward to seeing you at insert communal interest sometime soon’

Ah gotcha, sorry, from your OP it reads that you replied to him straight away to get him to confirm, (which would have seemed pushy IMO) but if he said 'should' in the morning in response to your originally invitation and you waited till the afternoon and asked him if it was a definite and he's ignored you since then then I would 100% make other plans, he's had plenty of time to firm up his plans and give you the green light.

He's obviously not really keen or he feels it would be too awkward just the two of you, or he may be one of those who can't think of a good way to say no without potentially offending you, so may think if he doesn't give you a firm answer you'll just stop asking, either way it's not the sort of person I'd be going out of my way to make plans with.

Make the plans you want to and just reply to him when (if?) he contacts you.

as he hasn’t confirmed with you then I would send a message saying: Hope you are well. I’m not sure if you were planning to come as you haven’t confirmed. Anyway, change of plan and I’m not going.

I hate it when people do this to me too: usually it’s a maybe and then they assume the plan is still there for them.

good to be assertive and take control of the situation.