To say sorry, I've made other plans?

[Snowchoc]

I asked a man to an event re a mutual interest. Not really a date, but just the two of us when usually we'd go as a group. Other friends weren't available this time.

Anyway 3 days ago he said he "should" be able to go. I replied OK then is that confirmed , 8pm? He hadsn't replied. I hate it when people keep their options open and I don't know if I have plans or not!

The event is tomorrow, I'm not chasing him up. If he does come back I'm going to say sorry, you didn't get back to me, I've made other plans and take my son out to dinner.

AIBU or would you expect me to still be free, as it was my original invitation?

The 'should' be able to make it was him telling you that he isn't going to come. He left the door open and he intends to slip out.

Your direct response to take him at his word and firm up plans (obtuse, but good for you) has scuppered his cowardly retreat. Now he doesn't know what to say.

So now you know, he's oily and a flake. Sack off the plans if you really don't want to go alone and never make an arrangement with this guy again.

Yes, that's what I think too.

As it happens one of the other (also male) friends has just had his original plans cancelled and could come, which probably makes the the trip more appealing to flaky friend, but now the idea of dinner with DS appeals more....

Is this the gig?

Tbh, I'd go anyway. If he comes, great, if not, you'll get talking to other people and have a good night anyway.

You've only asked him in a friend capacity and not on a date or even as a close friend so I'd see it as being more flexible/casual anyway.

If you going is dependent on him going, he might not realise this.

The 'should' be able to make it was him telling you that he isn't going to come. He left the door open and he intends to slip out

I wouldn't necessarily see it like that.

I wouldn't say I should be able to go to something if I already knew I wasn't going to. Why would someone do that? When it's easy enough to say, thanks for the invite but I have other plans that night?

It's the sort of thing I'd say if I was thinking I wanted to go and there was no logistical reason why I couldn't but I knew I had a heavy work week or lots to do in the daytime before hand and might not feel up to a night out afterwards.

In that case, go out and enjoy an evening with your DS.

now the idea of dinner with DS appeals more....

In that case, do this instead! If he gets in touch tomorrow, you can just tell him your plans have changed.

I hate it when people say ‘should’. At least they ought to back up why it’s a should and not a yes or no (child been ill, not sure if they’ll be better type ‘should’ is fine). Keeping your options ‘should’ is not fine.

It's a cop out of saying a direct " no" to you. Yanbu. I don't like flaky people. If I say I'll do something, I'll do it. I might say that I might be able to make it if I'm unsure if I can or not, but I would always give plenty of notice for the other person to make other plans. I wouldn't ask him again and I'd stick to the plans with your son.

This is why I talk to people rather than sending messages back and forth!

This might sound like a daft question, but why don’t you go anyway, if it’s something you’re interested in ? Could it be that he thinks the arrangement is casual and is expecting to see you there ?

Perfectly reasonable. You've offered him an opportunity and he's failed to take it. You're not his mum and he's not a chld: you don't need to do the reminding/coaxing thing. He's keeping his options open in case something/ someone better comes up. What does that tell you?

If you were thinking that he might be relationship material (I don't assume that you are) then he's ruled himself out already. You want to have someone say 'Yes, that'd be great' and then contact you for confirmation that you're still up for it. He has shown you no enthusiasm so don't feel any obligation to give him a second chance.

It's 2024 and women are not only allowed out on their own without a man, but can go almost anywhere on their own if they choose.

OP, have you thought about taking your son to this event or is it not his cup of tea?

He's actually someone long term single and miserable about it, which is unappealing in itself, but I can see why.

I actually go to loads if things on my own and love it. I've been for meals, shows, cinema, drinks and I holiday on my own. I could do this on my own if I wanted to, but I don't. No son, doesn't want to go.

I really don’t understand threads like these. Just ask him if he’s going or not. What exactly are you hoping to achieve by not doing this? You seem to have turned it into a whole game-playing scenario that it clearly isn’t in your head. He might just be a bit of a prick, but you’re coming across as a bit of a nutcase by reading so much into it and then going one step further by creating a bloody thread on here 😂😂😂

I usually reply ‘should’ to an invitation I plan to accept. I don’t like giving a firm yes in case something comes up like sickness and I can’t go. I would have replied to your next message though, so I get why you’re annoyed. At this stage, I would stop waiting for him, cancel the event and go out with my son.

Can you go with your son - would he enjoy it? If so go along with him so you don't miss out and if the man turns up he does.
I agree you should not keep your evening free to accommodate him being flakey!

The lady doth protest too much.
😉.

I think be honest with him? Ask him, guys are always last minute with plans. It's annoying he hasn't fully committed to your plans but don't be petty about it. Either double check if he's coming or message him to say since he hasn't replied you made plans with your son.

Why really are women expected to carry the mental load for all the men in their life aren’t they?

Flakey people are always last minute with plans. There, I fixed it for you. Men don’t get a free pass on being crappy communicators by virtue of having a penis.

I don't think it's true anyway, in my core social group, the two most dependable people (except me 😆) , the ones who always confirm (or decline) first are men. Most of the women are pretty good to tbh but there is one other man and one woman who don't like to commit ahead of time. Which is OK(ish) when you're going as a group...

I'd now be texting him to say, 'As you didn't confirm with me that you were able to come I've made other plans now and so won't be going on Friday. Cheers'.

I would firmly close that door and spend the evening with my son. Flaky Fred has missed his chance.

Why not just make other plans as this probably won't happen and in the unlikely event he should get back to you wanting to come then ignore his message.
Do you want a relationship to form with someone who doesn't answer texts?
Most relationships end through lack of communication, this isn't going anywhere fast.

I think your original response wasn't really appropriate - his first response was a solid "maybe" and a more appropriate response would have been, "great, let me know by Wednesday as if you're not coming I'll make other plans"

But as you did respond as you did, I think I'd probably message him again saying something like, "hey, can you confirm you're in or not? If not, I'm going to head off for dinner with DS and we want to make a reservation".

YANBU. I would take that as 'if nothing better turns up' and quash it.