AIBU to quietly drop an old friend for this or being too harsh?

[Lackinginpatience]

I’m not sure how relevant this is but don’t want to drip feed so I’ll start by saying this is a man who I was in a relationship with on and off from fifteen to twenty one but nothing like that since I met my husband. We’ve mostly kept in touch as we still get on well and have many mutual friends, only by online messaging though as I have moved out of the area.

We dropped out of contact for a few years as his wife didn’t like him to message female friends which is fair enough but he’s now divorced so got in touch to catch up. All good, been nice to talk but the way he goes about messaging is driving me mad and I’m about ready to just quietly stop talking to him.

He does this weird thing where he’ll send a chatty message and I’ll reply and it just gets left unread, sometimes for a day but sometimes weeks, then he’ll message back like there’s no time delay and do it again to anything I reply. It basically makes me feel I’m an inconvenience he has to eventually reply to but he’s the one who reached out to me. I know I’m going to get an avalanche of people saying this sounds like playground bullshit and they’re right, so I just feel like stepping away from the whole friendship. But he’s never been like this in the past and I am aware he’s been having a tough time with getting divorced, having to move in with his parents and navigating shared custody with his child time so maybe I’m being a bit harsh.

We’ve known each other for almost twenty five years so would be a shame to stop talking but maybe better for my blood pressure as I feel I’m getting too old for this kinda thing 😅

So he’s going through a tough time getting divorced and trying to manage co parenting. And even though you understand this and he hasn’t historically behaved like this, you still think he’s being unreasonable for not replying to you in as timely fashion as you’d like?

I can’t even begin to explain how unbelievably unreasonable you’re being. Perhaps you should step back because you aren’t a good friend.

Wondering if his name begins with S

Y a b vvvvvv u

Do you think he's just looking for support or do you think it's more than, is that the problem?

I agree with @SwingTheMonkey he's going through a hard time and you're thinking of dropping a long standing friend because he doesn't message you back on your timeframe. Are you sure you see him as just a friend? You sound desperate for his attention. Maybe it would be best to drop him he deserve better friends.

Why are you actually annoyed by this? If he's only a friend be a friend back, he's obviously got a lot on his plate.
If you're not getting anything out of this messaging relationship and you dont want to communicate like this then let it dissolve

I have to disagree with the previous responses - I wouldn't bother to respond after the first few times he pulled that shit.

I have a friend who does exactly this. He is a single parent, stressful job, mental health challenges. Sometimes he needs quiet in the evenings to decompress, sometimes he is so tired he doesn't have the energy to engage with another person. It has nothing to do with me and what he thinks about me. Your friend sounds just like him. Stop taking it personally. His friendly messages show that he likes you, you are his friend. He just doesn't have the capacity to be available for you all the time.

yeah a few hours even a day I would excuse if he's having a tough time but weeks is not OK
I'd not drop him straight away, just respond minimally and see what happens

Yes I'm also surprised by the replies he's being a PITA

I think people are missing the point. He's the one initiating contact, then ignoring her when she replies.

I agree with you OP. Extremely annoying. Regardless the reasons, if the friendship isn't adding value to your life, you're entitled to walk away from it.

Don't text. Texting is instant for some people but for others it's like email - reply when you have caught your breath. I hate feeling under duress to reply within moments and sometimes take days. It in no way reflects on how much I like or respect the texter, but on what is occupying my time and mind.

Meet him for a drink or a coffee every few weeks. Arrange by phone or email.

Is this such a big deal? Why is it winding you up so much? My best friend is like this. She texts me all enthusiastically, I reply straight away. She responds 10 hours later, I reply again, she takes a week to respond. It’s a bit frustrating, but meh. If you were romantically involved I can see why it’s annoying, but if you don’t live near him and your not making actual plans, why does it matter if it takes 2 mins or 2 weeks to reply?

I get why people are saying I’m being shitty and expecting him to reply to my timeframe but honestly it’s not that, I just don’t get why he sends me a message to just ignore it. If I message him or anyone else I don’t expect an instant reply or anything. It’s just getting a bit weird, especially as some days he’ll be messaging all day. None of these messages are anything groundbreaking which makes it so odd.

Why would you care so much how long he takes to respond to your messages? It sounds like you are talking about a current sexual partner in some bits of your OP.

Try to reframe it as he is not "ignoring" you, he is just overwhelmed and doesn't have capacity right now, but he will get back to you when he can.

This is if you only want a friendship with him. If you want or think you are creating a closer romantic bond with him, then yeah, I would expect a much quicker reply.

@Moveoverdarlin @BobbyBiscuits I don’t really know why it winds me up. I don’t care how long he takes as such as it seems a bit pointless to message me only to ignore the reply. This has been going on a year now so I’m getting a bit bored of it too I guess.

Well my take on this is if you are bored of it can't be bothered then drop the friendship.
If you care and want to remain friends then either speak to them about it or just accept it and manage your expectations.
It's not difficult

@Lackinginpatience I can see your point. But that's what some people are like, its their 'normal'. take it or leave it. If they usually messaged within seconds then stopped it would be a bit weird. But if that's their usual communication style they are just busy, chill, old school...

Nah, I can’t be arsed with folk like this.

@sonjadog Definitely nothing romantic, I’m happily married with a child. We’re better friends than we were romantic partners.

I have a SEN child at home which he knows so I’m often busy and stressed, it does irk me that I take the time to answer him and he can’t do the same. I do think why initiate the conversation in the first place?

Why don’t you just say it to him?

”you text me and when I reply it takes you days or weeks to read my message - what is that about? It’s making me feel shit. Is there some reason you’re doing this”

But someone has to stop messaging first? Sounds like he sends you a catch up message. You reply. End of. He’s not initiating a conversation, he’s just reaching out with his news and asking for yours. You can reply whenever you like. He reads it, you both go on with your lives. Do you ever send him a catch up text first?

This wouldn’t bother me at all. But I’m a bit like that with messaging too.

@BobbyBiscuits Some days he’s very much message back in seconds kinda person and can be very full on for days or even weeks at a time so it’s a bit jarring when suddenly you reply and he disappears for a day or two. It’s often in the middle of a conversation he started.