AIBU to quietly drop an old friend for this or being too harsh?

[Lackinginpatience]

I’m not sure how relevant this is but don’t want to drip feed so I’ll start by saying this is a man who I was in a relationship with on and off from fifteen to twenty one but nothing like that since I met my husband. We’ve mostly kept in touch as we still get on well and have many mutual friends, only by online messaging though as I have moved out of the area.

We dropped out of contact for a few years as his wife didn’t like him to message female friends which is fair enough but he’s now divorced so got in touch to catch up. All good, been nice to talk but the way he goes about messaging is driving me mad and I’m about ready to just quietly stop talking to him.

He does this weird thing where he’ll send a chatty message and I’ll reply and it just gets left unread, sometimes for a day but sometimes weeks, then he’ll message back like there’s no time delay and do it again to anything I reply. It basically makes me feel I’m an inconvenience he has to eventually reply to but he’s the one who reached out to me. I know I’m going to get an avalanche of people saying this sounds like playground bullshit and they’re right, so I just feel like stepping away from the whole friendship. But he’s never been like this in the past and I am aware he’s been having a tough time with getting divorced, having to move in with his parents and navigating shared custody with his child time so maybe I’m being a bit harsh.

We’ve known each other for almost twenty five years so would be a shame to stop talking but maybe better for my blood pressure as I feel I’m getting too old for this kinda thing 😅

@NevergonnagiveHughup I did mention it a few months ago and he said how supportive I’ve been during the divorce and how much he likes our chats and that he’d just been a bit busy so I felt bad. Which is why I feel bad not answering even though I’m half thinking, he won’t reply to this…

@Honeypickle its not like that, he’ll send something that needs a reply, for eg: he’ll ask if we had a good Christmas, I’ll answer and ask how was yours etc and get nothing back until the next day if. It’s not every time obviously but enough that it’s annoying me. I’ve actually stopped messaging him to see how he’s doing as the reply time makes me feel am bothering him but happy to chat when he’s free if that makes sense.

Why don't you just ask him and then decide whether to drop him or not based on his reply?

I think you just need to manage your expectations. I wouldn’t drop him given what you’ve said. He’s likely stressed and busy with things.

"I've noticed you've not replied a few times after striking up a conversation. I'm just wondering how you're doing? You must be having a tough time at the moment"

This might be nothing to do with, but I think I have been guilty of this with a good friend until recently.

She always uses Messenger, but I have been unable to figure out how to set it to notify me when she messages. So sometimes I have inadvertently left her hanging for several days as I haven't remembered to check Messenger.

Eventually, it occured to me to ask if she had WhatsApp, she did, and now voila! I never miss a message and can reply quickly.

I am not keeping up well with technology😂

@DelilahsHaven We talk on his preferred messaging platform that he uses for everyone so not that, he just has zero problem leaving a message unread until it suits him.

@PeggySooo I’ve tried bringing it up a couple of times but he always makes me feel like I’m the one with the problem and no one else would care if he didn’t reply. Although having posted here, he may be right about that.

Either accept it for what it is and don't get annoyed by it or drop the friendship. Some of my friends are like this and it used to really bug me but now my expectations are lowered it doesn't bother me and I know it's not personal

Gently OP I think you are being unreasonable to take it personally, it’s probably how he is with everyone. This is how I and all my friends message.. people are busy and don’t want to be glued to their phones all day. I message back when I have time/remember/have the headspace to give it the proper attention. I also don’t expect immediate responses from anyone unless it’s time sensitive. If I wanted to have a real time conversation I would phone.

@ru53 But would you take the time to message something that generally requires some kind of response then just ignore that message totally for an unspecified amount of time? I just find it odd, if I’m too busy, not in the mood to chat or whatever I don’t tend to pick up my phone and message anyone.

Yes I see what you mean, but is it possible he’s busy but has just had a spare moment and thought ‘oh I must message lackinginpatience’ then forgets to respond?

Your best bet is probably to ask. And despite what I said before you’re allowed to find it irritating and allowed to tell him that.

This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. Plenty of people would find it perfectly normal. People have really different expectations and etiquettes around this sort of thing, and yours is just different to his.

Clearly it makes you angry though, so if you think it’s worth ending such a long friendship over, then of course you’re completely entitled to do that. I think perhaps that if this is enough to make you consider ditching him as a friend, you probably aren’t really that close anyway. Especially if you weren’t really in contact for a long time because of his wife’s feelings. Maybe you’ve just drifted apart? Either way, while the messaging thing seems like a non-issue to me, it obviously isn’t to you, and if your contact with this friend is causing you more annoyance than pleasure then you’re not obliged to continue it.

I’m with you on this one OP. He’s starting conversations with you and being all chatty and seeking out replies from you and then ignores for a week? Yea I’d not be replying anymore tbh. We’re all busy etc but that’s just really rude

He may be in overwhelm, I don’t know. If it was a good friend I’d ring him and try to have a proper conversation.

I actually stopped contact with a friend for exactly this reason last year. It just wasn’t working for me as a mode of communication. I told him why I was doing it, and he promised reform, but I had had enough, fond though I am of him. Definitely the right thing to do in my case.

I have a female friend who was doing that and I was getting really fed up with her, I was even thinking of ending the friendship until one day she went into a bit more detail in one of her texts and said that she was having a really hard time at work…. I felt bad as I thought she was just being a lousy friend but actually she just had a lot going on….. I think just accept this is the way he is and don’t get wound up by it

I haven't read all the responses. O.P., when he responds after a gap, don't you ask things like - "you've been quiet, is everything ok?" or are you letting the previous chat continue uninterrupted? If the latter, you might be causing your own frustration a little.

@Sletty This is my feeling about it.

@Laureatus To be honest I don’t no, purely because he made me feel I was being unreasonable and uptight to even comment on it. He just says he’s busy and doesn’t seem to grasp he doesn’t need to contact me while he’s busy, I’m fine with only chatting when he has time or something to talk about.

Im not sure if this classed as a drip feed but I do have quite bad social anxiety (he does know this as I was much worse when we were a couple) so I do question if it’s me who is just too impatient. Saying that if I message him I have zero expectations of when he should reply, I just really get annoyed by him starting a conversation then disappearing.
I probably shouldn’t have framed by AIBU as dumping him as a friend, I was fairly peeved when I posted as he’d sent me some pics of something he was doing on Saturday, I made time to reply and my message is still sat there unread. So was kind of the last straw.

Yep. I’ve got one who will text to get you to reply. You reply then it’s left on unread for hours. It’s almost like testing the water or reeling you in then ignoring you to get the upper hand then be all smug (you have to know the character really). Fuck off and leave me alone. I’m doing fine without you x

Absolutely ^

@DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats I’m trying not to go into our past relationship too much as I don’t want it to sound like I’m trying to demonise him so people will agree with me but this is just what it feels like and he does have form for it. He can be very entertaining and a good friend but he does play silly games sometimes.

Hi OP, I'm going through a very similar scenario with a long time (female) friend of mine. I've noticed the same thing over the last year or so that she will either leave me unread or just not reply for several weeks and then pick back up when she's ready to engage and the cycle starts all over again.
Most recently she texted me last week to suggest meeting up which we haven't done since last summer (she always says how busy she is so we can't meet...) . I replied that evening with some suggestions and she still hasn't read it. She's busy as she is starting a new job and has 2 small kids but we are all busy, I work full time with a small child and a commute.
Anyway I just wanted to empathise with you and it's helpful to know I'm not alone in being hurt and annoyed by this type of behaviour.
I think when my friend eventually responds to me I will ask her what is going on with the delayed responses and see if there is something else going on.

Stop responding to his texts promptly, leave it a week or so, maybe then he will understand what it is like

I think it’s rude to take so long to reply, a text only takes a minute or sometime less

@Lilypad121 Thanks for this, it’s nice to know it’s not just me who is annoyed by this behaviour. Sorry you’re experiencing it too. Thankfully we’re geographically so far apart that meet ups are not possible. I don’t think there’s anything going on deeper than he’s busy and possibly enjoying the thought that I’m hanging on his response.

@BlueGrey1 I did actually do this when he first started doing it as I took it at face value and didn’t want to bother him when he’s busy and he suddenly got very attentive for a lack of other word. If I don’t answer him at all he will send a new message to start another conversation a lot sooner than he does if I had responded, which just makes me think, why didn’t you just take that few minutes to reply to the last one then naturally end the conversation there?

I really hate how much I’m over thinking this, I just wanted to have a bit of a catch up every so often, where as now it’s as weird and intense as when we were in our teens and twenties. I think I just need to take a step back as it’s not a fun friendship anymore.

I'm intrigued by the responses about his motives, accusations of game-playing or trying to keep the OP dangling - do you assume this regardless of who it is, or is it based on specific experience of people who act like that?

Because I can be a frequent messager one day and then struggle to respond for a week at other times and it's nothing to do with gameplaying or enjoying it, just that I'm poorly organised and bad at keeping track of whether I've replied or not!