AIBU to quietly drop an old friend for this or being too harsh?

[Lackinginpatience]

I’m not sure how relevant this is but don’t want to drip feed so I’ll start by saying this is a man who I was in a relationship with on and off from fifteen to twenty one but nothing like that since I met my husband. We’ve mostly kept in touch as we still get on well and have many mutual friends, only by online messaging though as I have moved out of the area.

We dropped out of contact for a few years as his wife didn’t like him to message female friends which is fair enough but he’s now divorced so got in touch to catch up. All good, been nice to talk but the way he goes about messaging is driving me mad and I’m about ready to just quietly stop talking to him.

He does this weird thing where he’ll send a chatty message and I’ll reply and it just gets left unread, sometimes for a day but sometimes weeks, then he’ll message back like there’s no time delay and do it again to anything I reply. It basically makes me feel I’m an inconvenience he has to eventually reply to but he’s the one who reached out to me. I know I’m going to get an avalanche of people saying this sounds like playground bullshit and they’re right, so I just feel like stepping away from the whole friendship. But he’s never been like this in the past and I am aware he’s been having a tough time with getting divorced, having to move in with his parents and navigating shared custody with his child time so maybe I’m being a bit harsh.

We’ve known each other for almost twenty five years so would be a shame to stop talking but maybe better for my blood pressure as I feel I’m getting too old for this kinda thing 😅

I agree you are being totally unreasonable.
But if you do not value the friendship and would ditch someone over this, go ahead.

Indeed, I suspect it might be deliberate at worst or inconsiderate at best .

OP, I would reduce contact with him.

He was happy enough not to contact you for years when his wife wasn’t keen on it. He has other friends.

I had a childhood ex who used to pull that crap. I now only talk to him once or twice a year

Personally I couldn't be arsed with someone who didn't bother to keep in touch just because he was married, regardless of the text response issues.

@Easipeelerie Well I get that but it’s never urgent when he messages me in the first instance either so why bother if he doesn’t want to talk. If he gets a spare half hour to chat every few months that’s fine, I don’t need the weird sporadic messages he never answers is all.

@sounds sounds really similar. I thought it was unlikely to be boredom as he is busy but that sort of makes it even weirder. He’s wasting his own time and annoying me for no reason. He’s not the type to ever give you a straight answer to anything so I doubt he’ll explain his reasoning to me, he’ll probably get annoyed I’m not playing ball by answering as much.

Yes, this wouldn’t work for me, either — I would have very little patience with being viewed as some kind of Occasion of Temptation in someone else’s marriage.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 @Notsoslim He did apologise for dropping out of contact when I pointed it how crappy that was of him. I did take the apology to be genuine but who knows.

He did make a comment a few weeks back that I was punishing him as I didn’t respond to him

Just saw this, OP the fact this was the conclusion he jumped to regarding you taking a while to respond shows he knows exactly what he’s doing to you.

If he was just “treating it like email” as some pp are keen to claim, he would allow you to “treat it like email” too without passing comment. If he doesn’t think you should be bothered, why is he bothered? Anyone who treats you differently from the way they expect to be treated by you are one to watch.

I’m amazed some pp can’t see the difference between this situation given your and the more usual situation of a friend who is just generally rubbish at texting but doesn’t mind you taking a long time to reply back.

The fact that he dropped you when he was married and is still talking you for granted when you’re still there for him after it fell apart is very telling.

He doesn’t value your friendships nor respect you. Don’t forget it he was still married you may not have heard from him again.

It’s not doing your mental health any good at the moment by the sounds of it so perhaps it’s time for you to take a break from him and go low contact at the very least.

@Lackinginpatience Re. apology that’s all very well but actions speak louder than words. He’s not that sorry, he just wanted to regain access to you.

EDITED TO ADD : do you know for certain his wife didn’t want him talking to you or could he just not be bothered keeping up with his female friendships once he got married? I’ve known men to use this as an excuse for not keeping up with both male and female friendships. “It was the wife” 🙄

I hate that hot and cold thing myself. But I think in life we could do with as many friends as possible and old friends are lovely to have later in life. So I would just try not to mind and probably message less immediately myself.

I really try to match someone’s level of intensity these days. If they don’t reply for a month then that’s the way we do it!

@Notsoslim You’re right about not being in contact if he was still married I should probably keep that in mind. My social anxiety is fairly bad and I don’t have many friends where I live now so I do really appreciate the friends I’ve had for a long time, but maybe I need to stop clinging to ones that don’t really work well anymore.

And reading the rest d your messages, it does sound like he is game playing. Trust your instincts. You know him and we all don’t.

I would keep him at a bit of an arm’s length. I’ve done this with friends who treat me in this way. It’s fine - you can get to a level where you are comfortable.

A friend who treats you this way especially with knowing your history with anxiety is probably not a good friend in the long term.

It can be hard to let go of old ties, but an old friend is not necessarily a good friend. Quality over quantity as they say .

Perhaps it’s time to relegate him from friend status to old acquaintance that you contact very occasionally status.

And realistically speaking he may re-marry or get into a serious relationship and cut ties again.

@Notsoslim As far as I’ve heard from mutual friends who still live in that area she wasn’t happy about seeing some old messages from me that he’d kept on his phone so I guess it’s conceivable she did ban him from talking to me.

ah fair enough so at least he’s not lying about that @Notsoslim

What are your expectations? Do you secretly fancy him/have a crush? I have a male friend (ex bf) where we reconnected after many years and email each other. It’s normal for one of us to email them not get a reply for a few months. He has his life and I have mine and we’re just old friends who catch up via email every so often. Zero expectations.

@willWillSmithsmith I didn’t have any expectations really, it was just nice to catch up but now it’s all a bit intense and weird. Definitely no secret crushes on my side although I do think getting divorced has made him a bit nostalgic for our youth and sorry about some stuff that happened in the past though.

I think perhaps sometimes he needs to feel connected to someone, so he texts you, then you text back. Then he gets reassurance from that and doesn’t need anything else. So he doesn’t text further. He even potentially feels an obligation to text back once you’ve texted (even more since you’ve mentioned it annoys you), which makes replying less appealing, so he leaves your messages unread (tho really he read them and just didn’t click on them).

I have had one of these (also a bloke, also recently single) and as friendships go it’s incredibly unsatisfying. You get absolutely nothing from it.

I think you don’t have to dump him as a friend but you can maybe not be that person for him? Just don’t connect IYSWIM? Be vague and aloof via text but then normal in person.

Reading your updates it sounds like he's playing mind games tbh.

I'd just dial it back and not bother rushing to respond. When you do, keep it brief and to the point - answer his question but don't ask him any.

I can't believe people think you're being unreasonable!
To me it sounds like he's messaging you when he's bored and alone, and maybe when he's out dating or busy then he doesn't have the time to reply!
I do question what is the point of the friendship if you never meet and you probably feel a little dread when the message comes in due to his circumstances, but why don't you leave it a week or two to reply? And then stop replying altogether. You're hardly dropping a dear friend in his hour of need, you note that you haven't spoken for years prior to the divorce!

I can be forgetful replying to texts, and I don't open them until I know I have the time and concentration to reply so I'm wuite chilled if other people don't reply to me right away (and my friends know I'm not a reliable back and forth texter).

But this feels like something different. I think he gets a boost from you replying and only reaches out for that and when he's alone and bored. I'd just send a thumbs up or something when he texts, so you've replied but your reply doesn't require a response. If he calls you out just say you've been super busy lately which I'm sure he can understand.

You didn't speak for years and it seems like he was happy to leave your friendship by the way side then so I'd personally not have leapt into this wholeheartedly anyway.

Keep it low contact and low key going forward is my advice. Don't reach out to him and when he reaches out to you try not to extend conversation. He's using you and playing games. Which given you're happily married and busy you just don't really need do you.

Sounds like my days of internet dating many years ago when they text when they have no one else to text, someone else comes along for them so they drop you then they are bored again so text again. I appreciate in your eyes you are friends but it’s still similar behaviour.

I hate texting and WhatsApp. I’m also living quite a stressful life. I do exactly the same as him. I don’t reply instantly, often it’s a few days or a week or two. It doesn’t mean I think less of the person I’m messaging, I’m just a bit overwhelmed

Well don't answer so quickly next time or try to match his haphazard style or just leave it. How important is he to you?

For me, unless messages are about making arrangements to meet, it's quite normal to stop answering after a while. Sometimes I feel a bit miffed if someone does this to me but I'm likely doing it to them too and not realising.

They aren't like conversations in person where firstly there's an obligation to continue whether you want to or not, and secondly it's much easier to read their intent / mood / body language etc.

In my experience (husband, son) men just dont reply to texts or messages. Women will give a thumbs up or ok to show they've read and understand but men just don't see the need.

i'd maybe just mention in your next message that it annoys you that it takes so long for him to respond that its driving you crazy, you should be able to tell something like that without fear of ending a friendship, and if it does then it's not much of a friendship then! i have 'friends' like that and it is infuriating as it seems like they can't be bothered (in her case they are just rude) but maybe he is struggling with everything thats going on........ just ask?

Thanks to everyone suggesting I make myself less available, this is what I’m going to do going forward.

@Catwench It’s funny as when we were actually dating he was not like this at all, wasn’t the type to leave you hanging. I guess that’s why I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt that it’s just down to being busy.

@Fetaa As I’ve said I have zero expectations on when he replies if I message him, I totally get that he will be busy. I just find him contacting me then ignoring the reply baffling and really annoying. I could understand it happening once in a while as yeah life happens and maybe something has come up between messaging and my reply but he’s doing it so often now it’s odd.

@LouLomumoftwo I’ve mentioned it annoys me a few times and he just says he’s busy, when I suggested that if he’s so busy he’s no time to reply he doesn’t need to be sending me chatty messages every few days he just says how much he likes chatting with me and I start questioning if its just me not getting social cues right or maybe being too impatient etc.