AIBU to quietly drop an old friend for this or being too harsh?

[Lackinginpatience]

I’m not sure how relevant this is but don’t want to drip feed so I’ll start by saying this is a man who I was in a relationship with on and off from fifteen to twenty one but nothing like that since I met my husband. We’ve mostly kept in touch as we still get on well and have many mutual friends, only by online messaging though as I have moved out of the area.

We dropped out of contact for a few years as his wife didn’t like him to message female friends which is fair enough but he’s now divorced so got in touch to catch up. All good, been nice to talk but the way he goes about messaging is driving me mad and I’m about ready to just quietly stop talking to him.

He does this weird thing where he’ll send a chatty message and I’ll reply and it just gets left unread, sometimes for a day but sometimes weeks, then he’ll message back like there’s no time delay and do it again to anything I reply. It basically makes me feel I’m an inconvenience he has to eventually reply to but he’s the one who reached out to me. I know I’m going to get an avalanche of people saying this sounds like playground bullshit and they’re right, so I just feel like stepping away from the whole friendship. But he’s never been like this in the past and I am aware he’s been having a tough time with getting divorced, having to move in with his parents and navigating shared custody with his child time so maybe I’m being a bit harsh.

We’ve known each other for almost twenty five years so would be a shame to stop talking but maybe better for my blood pressure as I feel I’m getting too old for this kinda thing 😅

My response was based on a specific person who acts like that x

@DysmalRadius It’s based on specific experience for me. I have plenty of friends where we go through more chatty times or months with nothing much to say, I don’t think they’re deliberately leaving me dangling. Saying that no one else would leave the message the unread, reading it and being too busy to answer or forgetting about it is usually fairly obvious.

I think I was like him - I took messaging to be just like email. I had no idea that there were people who attached a whole different set of conventions to messaging until someone pointed it out.

But you shouldn't assume that he's being weird or difficult because of this. He may just have a different mindset about messaging. He's obviously going through a difficult time so couldn't you just assume that, when you message this particular friend, he may treat it as an email.

Isn't that how messaging works? Damn!

It seems like you are overthinking it to me too. A conversation can just as well take place over days - that's the good thing about text messages rather than phones! He could well have read the message but on a device like a watch that doesn't show it, or in a preview, and just hasn't got round to responding yet. I don't see why that would be strange, to start a conversation when you're thinking about someone and wanting to say hello, but not want to spend time off and on all day texting back and forth. It doesn't smack of game-playing or him deliberately leaving you dangling or anything else, unless there are other signs of that. It just seems like a different way of using text messages than you're used to.

It could be anxiety - but I take your point about his background of playing games. (Edited because I didn't read OPs posts properly)

@yossell I kind of get what you’re saying but my problem is I’ve known him for years and this is not how he usually responds to messages. It’s a recent thing and I can’t really understand why he’s started doing it. I don’t think it’s so hard for him to think I don’t have time to reply to her so I won’t message right now? If I do message him I don’t expect an immediate response so I suppose I already do treat it as email 🤔

I must admit, I treat text messages like an email, it would not occur to me that they needed to be answered straight away. There would be a continuous dialogue with everyone if you were supposed to do that. I don’t get this at all.

@LameBorzoi It’s me who has social anxiety 😅 So yes I’m definitely overthinking it. In my defence he often will have days where he’ll text on and off the whole day which is why the sudden disappearing act after he’s messaged me is annoying. For example we won’t talk for a week or two and out of the blue he’ll message so I answer then he leaves that message unread. I'd rather he just contact me if he wants to chat and have told him that but he doesn’t listen.

@Lackinginpatience

If friendships become a source of stress or anxiety to me I usually back right off or drop them, they are just not worth it to me as friendships in my opinion should really do the exact opposite

When he eventually replies does he respond to anything you've said?
You could be too busy to reply for a few weeks yourself?

@Etincelle He literally just keeps the conversation going but one sentence at a time and a day or longer between each response which I just find so weird. It’s mostly mundane chit chat and to me not worth the effort of going back after a day or so but if I don’t reply he doesn’t seem happy. He did make a comment a few weeks back that I was punishing him as I didn’t respond to him. I didn’t point out I was away that weekend at my parents and he just ignored that and went quiet for a week. Just sick of that kind of thing really.

@BlueGrey1 Thats my opinion but I do feel bad as he has had a rough time and it’s a longstanding friendship. I think I’ll just be less available going forward.

I’ve ignored in the past and the game player has turned up at my house. It’s ok for them to do it but not you. Irritates the life out of me. I know this person isn’t busy. They just want the upper hand. Not much of a friend tbh. Just someone I’ve known a long time x

Yeah, that would really annoy me too to be honest.

You are a convenient option for hm. Don’t make him a priority.

Yeah it's annoying. People who think it's not presumably would be ok with people irl starting to talk to you then walking away as you answer because that is metaphorically what is happening. They are engaging with you then removing themselves from the interaction. It's not normal social behaviour online or in person. Starting a conversation is asking you to open up a social channel. Disappearing leaves you hanging. It's uncomfortable and odd .
A few hours or the next day is normal. Days or weeks later is breadcrumbing

I do this to other people sometimes. I genuinely don't mean to, but sometimes I'll go on my phone and see a message from a few days ago that I'd meant to reply to but didn't.

I run a business, have a family, have stresses in my life, and sometimes things get in the way. That doesn't mean I value my friends any less, and I would hope they wouldn't want to drop me for it.

@tutttutt It’s the message equivalent of someone bounding up you all chatty and asking how are you, what you up to, have you seen this etc etc then turning around and walking away without listening to the answer. Leaves me thinking why did he bother messaging if he didn’t have any interest in my reply.

@pikkumyy77 Thats a good point, historically I have always been there when he’s clicked his fingers so the expectation that I’ll drop everything to reply to him but he doesn’t need to bother in return is there.

@ManchesterLu I’ve zero problem with that, I don’t always have to time to answer people either. I just don’t like that he starts a conversation about unimportant stuff then ignores the reply, if he’s that busy he doesn’t need to be messaging me if that makes sense. It would be different if I was the one reaching out to him and he wasn’t responding, I’d just assume he’s too busy to get back to me.

You seem to watch a reason to ditch him, so just do it if you can't be bothered with him.

lots of people have said that it's normal for them to respond in this way and it's nothing personal, but you won't accept that this is a possibility for him. It's not bounding up to someone and turning away; to many of us, it's more like writing a letter than can be read and responded to at leisure - opening a line of communication but not an instant back and forth chat. Just saying that they're thinking of you, here's some random news and chit chat, let you know they care, give you whatever time you might want to process it and reply, and same in reverse. Just because you respond instantly doesn't mean they were intending for it to be an instant two-way conversation. People just use texting and messages differently to each other, and if you don't want to be friends with him because you can't get over the fact he does this, then it sounds like he doesn't matter much to you anyway. Or if you have other reasons that you don't want to stay friends, and want to use this as your excuse to pull away, do it, but it could be that you are losing a friend over something that you have blown up in your mind to mean all sorts of things that might be a surprise to him. If you want to keep him as a friend and like other things about him, then why not accept that it isn't personal and is just something about the way he (and many other people) might use messages.

I'd send someone a chit chatty message as a way of being friendly and showing I was thinking of them ,but it wouldn't mean I was up for a chit chat then and there or at any particular time - it's just a friendly message! I don't mind if the other person takes a few days to reply, and I might do the same - it's what I like about texts.

@Leafbuds I’m not hellbent on cutting contact or anything, if I was I would have done it instead of asking for peoples opinions.
I have accepted what people have said, I fully get he’s busy and can’t always reply but I don’t appreciate being made to be some weirdly demanding person who’s expecting instant replies when I really don’t. The fact he makes comments about me giving him the silent treatment when I’m too busy to answer suggest he doesn’t like being left hanging himself.
It is good to know that its common for people to send chatty messages to be friendly with no expectation of a reply, I do feel I am being rude if I don’t reply to him so I can stop worrying about that at least.

I do appreciate the differing views on what’s acceptable communication, it’s given me something to think about while I’m stuck on the sofa full of cold.

Going forward I think I’ll just treat him as someone who more than likely won’t respond to messages and decide if I want to answer based on that. Will definitely call him out on the passive aggressive comments he makes when he doesn’t get a quick enough response from me, he can’t have it both ways.

That's bloody infuriating OP. And it IS rude and disrespectful. I had this with a now ex friend - she'd message something mundane ' How are you'etc and I'd reply and ask a question in response, but then crickets! It would be weeks of silence and the whole charade would then start again. I came to the conclusion she didn't value me or my time and wasn't particularly interested in having a friendship, I was just another contact in her phonebook for when she was bored.

He just sounds human. It’s not urgent to contact you so he’ll do if when it’s in his mind to.